A/N (Oneturtledove): If you have no idea what you're reading, bookmark this and go read "We Weren't Crazy" by me and "Love Like Crazy" by Piper Maru Duchovny. For those of you who do know these stories, this takes place right before the girls get pregnant with the boys. And I can't think of anything else to say.

The house was quiet as she laid on the couch, watching the TV Guide channel scroll by. It was a gloomy day to match her gloomy attitude and gloomy health and she couldn't imagine a time when she would ever want to get up off this couch. The thought would have depressed her if she wasn't already depressed, and the reality of that only went to depress her further.

She hated the downswings like this, with all she had in her she wished them away. They always crept up and jumped on her when she least expected it, when everything was going right and there was no reason to feel like this. It made it harder to hide this way, not that she was allowed to hide much anymore. And not that she necessarily felt like she needed to hide or that she resented not being able to.

The thoughts were adding to her headache and she sighed, taking a drink of the now tepid tea that Adam had brought her before he left. He'd brushed her hair back from her forehead, locked his eyes with hers and asked her once more if she was absolutely certain that she didn't want to go with him and Colton to the science museum. She'd just nodded sadly, desperately wanting to go and join in the fun, but knowing that the doldrums were going to make her miss out. She just couldn't get it together, and she hated that. She hated watching them leave without her, but she couldn't force herself to follow them. She felt like a failure and was just starting another round of feeling sorry for herself when there was a knock on the door.

"Hey Under the Weather Girl," Austin greeted, closing the door behind her. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," Lindsay answered gently, sitting up a little.

"You don't look okay. What's wrong?"

"I just don't feel good," she half-lied, looking away.

"Linds. What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Something."

Austin sighed as she perched on the edge of the chair across from her, "I know you, Lindsay. I know you too well to ever believe that it's okay or normal for you to be laying here in the dark, not taking care of yourself or your family, and crying and getting snot all over your sleeve because you ran out of tissues. Will you tell me what's going on? I'm not blind, something is up."

"No, nothing," Lindsay corrected, crossing her arms.

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not! Nothing's going on."

She ran a hand through her messy curls in anguish, "I'm worried about you Lindsay."

"Well, gee," Lindsay snapped; she was growing tired of people walking on eggshells around her, trying to protect her from things they couldn't even comprehend, "thanks for pulling your head out of the clouds long enough to think of little ol' me."

"How did I become the bad guy here?"

"You're accusing me of lying to you!"

"You are lying to me. I can see that something's going on and you just don't want to tell me. And I don't know why, I tell you everything."

"Oh whatever."

"Don't whatever me, Lindsay Ross. You won't tell me what's wrong and I just don't get it. You've got the perfect husband, the perfect son. Your family is the frickin' Waltons. You've got a job and a roof over your head. Friends and people who love you. And still here you sit, unable to even get out of bed. You have everything anyone could ever ask for and more and I just don't get how you still can't get out of bed."

"Maybe I just don't want to tell you," Lindsay shouted finally, pounding her fist on the couch in exasperation. "Maybe you've never listened to me before and it's a wasted effort so I gave up. I never promised to tell you everything anyway, so I don't know what you're so upset about."

"I never listen to you?"

"No! You nod your head and then change the subject and that's it. I can't just pretend like everything is okay if I know you don't care, so I don't give you a chance."

"You think I don't care? Well I do. Maybe you're just so cold and closed off to everyone else that you don't see that. You hide behind whatever it is that happened to you and you never let anyone in too close because you're scared. Well that hurts, Lindsay. It hurts to try and be there for someone and try to love them and know that they don't need you or want you around. It hurts to hear someone say that they love you and deep down you know it's not true because they're probably just not capable of it."

"You think that's how I am? No Austin, that is you to a T."

"Me? I let you in, Lindsay. I told you things I have never told anyone else. I cried in front of you when I've only ever cried in front of Danny. I stuck by you and supported you even when it hurt. Even when you didn't tell me you were pregnant for so long. I was still there. I've never hidden anything from you. I have always trusted you. And now it turns out you absolutely don't trust me. At all. What is that all about? What did I do that was so wrong that makes you hate me?"

"Stop it! Stop turning this around on you! It's always about you and how you hurt because you're the squeaky wheel and heaven forbid you ever rise above what happened."

"I can't do this anymore," Austin said, jumping up from the chair, everything suddenly becoming too much. The world suddenly felt like it was amplified by a million decibels, her chest heaving as she tried to catch a deep breath.

"Yeah, just walk away when things don't go how you planned."

She raced for the door, slamming it behind her in a feeble attempt to block out the yelling she had never been able to handle.

Lindsay wanted to throw a last word in, but she was seething too much to think of anything. She sank back on the couch, regretting her parting words even as she had said them. She knew that was the worst thing she could say, but they tumbled out before she could stop them. The depression did that sometimes, made her act before thinking, made her hurt people that she loved. She hurt too though, badly. No one had ever said something like that to her, something so correct and pointed and exactly what she feared about herself that it made her nauseous. Her hands shaking with hurt and rage, she jumped off of the couch and ran into the bathroom, letting herself actually get sick. She'd never had a fight like this. Sure, there had been blow outs with people before, even with Adam. But those relationships were salvageable. Those things she could fix. But this, with Austin, she was almost completely certain that "I can't do this anymore" wasn't just meant for the here and now.

The brisk winter air of New York City hit Austin like a ton of bricks. She breathed deeply for a few moments before racing over to the trashcan on the corner and heaving up her lunch. Lindsay's words whirred around in her head as she tried to catch up with how a friendly concern had so quickly devolved into a fight. The words stung more painfully than any hit she had ever taken.

Cold was seeping through her light jacket as she pulled up her hood and stuffed her hands in her pocket. Tears prickling at her emerald eyes, she began the three mile walk home. She suddenly didn't feel deserving of the warmth that a taxi or subway could offer but rather lost herself in the numbness of brittle cold. The truth in Lindsay's words ate at her stomach lining – she was a selfish person and demanded more work than most people were willing to give. There was a reason that Lindsay was her first real friend not forged from circumstances or time but rather of two hearts that needed each other finding one another. She wasn't good with people. She hurt them and they hurt her. No one stuck around forever. That's all there was to it.

Tears fell freely as she walked, her walls rising up ever so quickly to protect her far too fragile heart. She replayed Lindsay's words over and over like a broken record. "You never listen... I know you don't care..."

But she did care. For the first time in almost fifteen years she allowed herself to care about someone who wasn't her daughters, her husband, or her partner. She cared for Lindsay and knew that something was seriously wrong. Part of her wanted to turn around and force the issue but pride kept her walking on. She was angry and hurt, knowing full well if she turned around now the fight would escalate even further and she didn't want to get tore down anymore.

Everyone leaves, she reminded herself as she kicked a stray piece of exhaust colored ice down the sidewalk – a small victory emerging when it shattered against a tree. Andrew had left, her grandparents had left, every friend she had tried to make in middle school had left. She wasn't worth staying around for, she wasn't worth the risk. Maybe she needed to warn Danny that she would inevitably screw things up with him too and he should go ahead and leave.

Her body was shaking from sobs and bitter cold as she climbed the stairs to the apartment building. She let herself into the apartment, her knees wobbling at the sight of Danny curled up with a sleeping Isabeth next to him on the couch and Sarah resting on his chest. He moved toward her the second she entered his line of vision. "Austin? What's wrong? What happened?"

"I screwed it up," she sniffled. "I pushed too hard and she started yelling and I couldn't stand there one second more while she screamed, so I left. And it hurts to breathe and I don't want to think. I ruined it. I ruined my one real friendship. I suck. God, do I suck. I make everything worse."

"Stop," Danny cupped her jaw. "You know there's something wrong with Montana and whatever she said I'm sure she didn't mean it."

"But she did," Austin cried. "And she's right. I'm selfish and I never paid attention before and I just suck."

"C'mere."

He shifted Sarah to one arm and pulled her to him with the other, letting her pour her hurt into him.

"But I no want a nap," Colton whined as the door opened.

"Well it's naptime," Adam answered quietly. "I'm going to take a nap too."

"And mama?"

"Yeah, mama too."

"She always sleepy daddy."

"I know, bud."

Lindsay turned her face into the pillow as she listened to the conversation, feeling like she had failed in everything. She couldn't be a mother because she couldn't even get herself moving. She couldn't be a wife because Adam spent so much time helping her that she never helped him. She couldn't be a friend because she was too scared and defensive to let anyone in. They got close and she snapped or her depression snapped and it was never the same again. And now the one person who never deserved any of that had just bore the full brunt of it.

"Hey, Sweet Potato Pie," Adam said, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "Feeling any better?"

She shook her head, unable to say anything, and he crawled over her, laying down next to her and drawing her into his arms.

"What happened?"

"I'm horrible."

"No you're not."

She sniffled and he pushed her hair back from her face, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"Yes I am, Adam. Austin came over here and she was just checking on me and it turned into this fight and I said things… Adam I said things that she should never have heard."

"What do you mean, sweetie?" he asked, finding her hand and kissing her fingertips.

"She told me I was cold and I never let anyone in."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is. But I don't want it to be. And she said it, so I shot it back at her and eventually she left and I," she gulped, holding back a new batch of tears. "I said she was just walking away because things weren't going the way she wanted. I brought that up, Adam. The one thing I know she's so sensitive about, the one thing she still feels like she failed at, and I equated her to everyone that's ever left her. She should never want to talk to me again. I'm horrible."

He wrapped his arms around her and she cried softly. It wasn't even about her anymore, she was just hurting for her friend. She could take words, no matter how they were delivered, but every time she closed her eyes, she saw that look of betrayal on Austin's face, the one that said "I'm outta here." She'd never hurt someone so badly before.

"Linds, honey, it's gonna be okay."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is. I understand how badly you're both hurt but you'll get through this. You're not going to give up on her, are you?"

"I will if she wants me to."

"Lindsay Ross, you will not. You know that. She's your best friend and you love her. It's going to be alright."

"I wish it was that simple."

"Mama," Isabeth danced around the living room in her princess pajamas to the Grace Potter song that was floating softly from the speakers, "We see Colt 'n Indy 'morrow?"

Austin's voice caught in her throat as she realized that she would have to tell her daughter that she couldn't see her best friend. "Not tomorrow, sweetheart."

"But we see Colt 'n Indy!" Isabeth protested as she stopped dancing to stomp her feet defiantly. "Twoday! We see Colt 'n Indy on Twodays!"

"I know we do..." Austin picked up the little girl and stood to walk around the living room. "Isabeth, I'm sorry we can't see Colton and Lindsay tomorrow but we'll find something else to do."

"BUT WHY!" Isabeth wailed and fought against her mother's hold. "Isa want Colt!"

"Isabeth Grace," Austin's voice was firm but soft as she held on tightly through the temper tantrum. "I know you want to see Colton and mommy is very sorry but you won't be seeing him tomorrow. I promise I'll make it up to you."

"NO!" Isabeth screamed in Austin's face. "MY COLT!"

The little girl fought hard against her arms as she kicked and screamed. Austin sunk to the living room floor as the tantrum continued knowing that Isabeth would eventually cry herself out. The little fists slammed against her arms and chest as she slammed her heels down against the carpeted floor. Austin wrapped herself carefully around her daughter to keep her from hurting herself.

"Isabeth listen to mommy. I know you're upset and that you want to see your friend but you need to calm down now. It's almost bed time and you're going to wake Sarah up if you don't quit screaming."

"Mommy," Isabeth whimpered as the tears slowed and her breathing hiccupped. "Want Colt."

"I know," Austin stood again and scooped the little girl up. "Why don't we take a bubble bath and calm down, okay?"

"Bath?" her brows furrowed. "But bedtime?"

"You can stay up a little later tonight," Austin explained as she kissed her daughter's forehead. "Tomorrow Mama will think up something fun to do, okay?"

"Otay, Mama," Isabeth relented as Austin helped her out of her pajamas into a super bubbly bubble bath.

Austin sat beside the bathtub and pressed a cool wash cloth to Isabeth's swollen eyes. They stayed in the bath for a long time; Austin making foam beards for Isa and listening to her daughter's stories as she babbled about her bubble castle and the people who lived there. When the water had grown cold and the sniffles had abated, she carefully rinsed the child off and helped her into a clean set of pajamas. Isa clung to her mother's neck as they left the room. "Time for bed."

"Stay Mama?" Isabeth asked and patted her mother's face, "No seeps!"

"It's late," Austin explained as they entered the girls' room. Isa let out an aggravated growl as Austin tucked her into the toddler bed, "I know you're sleepy, Isabeth Grace. So it's time to close your eyes and go to dreamland."

"Mama."

"Not working, Kid." Austin gave a small half-smile as she kissed the little girl's hair, "I love you with every beat of my heart, Isabeth Grace Messer."

"Love Mama," Isabeth countered and placed her hands on Austin's cheeks, squishing them until her lips were puckered and kissed them. "Ni'night."

"Good night."

She turned on the night light before checking on Sarah and slipping out the door. The dimly lit end table called her like a siren to the shore and she picked up the house phone with little hesitation. She flopped on the couch and pulled her feet under her as Elvis jumped up beside her. She dialed the newly familiar number and waited forever for the recipient to pick up.

"Bonasera."

"Stella," Her emotions got the best of her and tears began to fall.

She heard the urgent shuffling of papers and office chairs, "Austin? What's wrong?"

"Lindsay and I had a fight," The tears fell freely and she swiped at them with the sleeve of her thermal shirt, "a really, really, really bad fight."

"Oh, Kiddo," Stella's voice was soft and wrapped around her like a warm hug, "Tell me what happened."

"She's been in a real bad funk lately," Austin managed through the tears, "Adam asked me to go over and talk to her today... I don't know what I did or what I said but suddenly it was a fight. I got mad at her for not getting up off the couch and living her life and she..." She paused as a sob racked her chest, "She said that I don't listen and that I'm all about myself... There was some yelling and you know how I get when there's yelling.. so I left. And as I was leaving she told me that I was a leaver..."

"Austin..."

"She was right," Hyperventilation was on the horizon as she tried to talk around the sobs, "I'm no better than them, Stella... Everything I never wanted to be I've some how turned into. I really am a Hawthorne. A real freaking screw up who runs off everyone. No wonder you left for New Orleans."

"Austin Grace Messer," Stella's voice was uncharacteristically sharp, "Listen to me. You are not like your family, Austin. I'm sure that Lindsay didn't mean what she said and, you hear this, I did not leave New York because of you. I left because it was what I needed to do. I left New York, Austin, I didn't leave you."

"It just hurts, Stella," Austin pulled her knees to her chest and clenched the phone until her knuckles turned white, "I know that it's not right but it doesn't make me not think those things... all those horrible things that I've believed about myself and my best friend hurls them at me."

"I know," She could almost see Stella fiddling with her pen as she tried to balance her work and calming her down, "Listen, Austin, Lindsay's been through some real dark stuff and she hasn't necessarily gotten over all of it. Chances are that she's in a really dark place right now and took it out on you."

"What happened to her?" She asked as she pulled at her pajama pants, "You have to know... I'm sure that Mac told you."

"It's not my story to tell, Austin," Stella sighed, "just give her a chance to come around. Don't shove her out because you're feeling hurt right now. Like you said, she's your best friend and you will get past this. She's gonna come to you and she's gonna be sorry and you need to forgive her for it."

"But... if she's my best friend why won't she trust me with this?"

She heard the telltale drum of a pen tapping against the hardwood desk, "Have you ever told her about your Dad and Andy? Have you ever really told her all of it?"

"Well," Austin hesitated, "no."

"You've got to give a little to get a little," She explained, "You've got to tell her the truth if you expect her to do the same."

"Yeah," Austin sniffled, "can I just be mad for awhile?"

"I think that's acceptable," Stella agreed as Austin heard Sarah's cries over the baby monitor, "That Sarah?"

"She must need her diaper changed, it's the only time she ever cries," Austin explained, "I've gotta go."

"Give the girls some cuddles for Grandma."

"I will."

Stella's voice was soft as she quickly added, "I love you, Austin. Be safe."

"I love you too." Austin replied as she hung up.

When she got to Sarah's crib the little girl was red faced and Isabeth's head was burrowed beneath her pillow in protest. Austin picked up the little girl and checked her diaper that was still dry. Quickly she left the room with the crying baby in hopes that Isabeth wouldn't be awaken by the offensive noises. She bounced the little girl as they walked, "What's goin' on Sarah Claire? You wake up wanting to be mad?"

The blond haired six month old was beginning to calm down at the sound of her voice, "My Sarah Claire... you knew Mama was upset, huh? I'm sorry that you had to feel it. I love you so much and I never ever want you to feel hurt."

She bounced her daughter for a few more moments before turning on her Grace Potter and the Nocturnals CD again. The funky jazz beats of Low Road filled the living room as Austin began a slow swaying dance around the coffee table as Sarah gummed on her hair. She sung along softly as they danced, "But it's a low, low road, you've gotta roll down before you find your way my friend, and it's a high, high hill you have to climb up before you get to the top again."

That's how Danny found them almost an hour later as the song had circled around again when he came in. Sarah was asleep with her head in the crook of Austin's neck as she danced in circles. Danny walked over to them and wrapped his arms around both of them as he dropped a kiss to both of their heads before joining them in their dancing. His blue eyes found her green ones and they talked without saying a word; he saw her walls being built back up and, with the most loving look he could muster, he pleaded with her to let him in.