Amongst Dead Crows & High Wolves, a Mass Effect inspired story,

Rated T-M

Chapter One: A Lone Wolf

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Summary: After losing Shepard, Garrus loses himself to his own dark thoughts and self-imposed solitude. With the Turian Hierarchy in disarray after the end of the war, the job of Primarch looms over his head. For Garrus, this is either the end of everything or the beginning of something new, and for the first time, he'll have to make the decision alone.

Notes: All credit goes to Bioware. I claim nothing from writing this story. I managed to get an incredible Beta-Reader, Littleleotas, I believe she has a Ao3, and it Vexhen on Tumblr, go check her out! Full credit to her, she is an amazing writer and she helped me make this chapter what it is. I could never thank her enough and I could never have done it without her!

Garrus was entirely alone.

Void of all feeling from the shock of his loss, suddenly he found himself engulfed in rage, rage against the unfairness of losing her, rage against the galaxy for thinking it needed her more than he did.

He found himself feeling vulnerable for the first time in his life. Without her, he had no courage to speak of. He might have done some amazing things in his time but they had all came down to Shepherd somehow. His time on Omega, it all happened because he had lost her, and then when he had found her again she changed him, not because she meant to but because that's what she brought out in him.

Courage, bravery, leadership… and so with that he changed his whole outlook on life. She had helped him in ways he could never thank her enough for. Helping him with Sidonis, convincing him to let the once pathetic man live. She had told him to be patient with him and after some convincing, for once Garrus listened. He was doubtful and rightly so. However with time Shepard once again proved to him that she had been right.

Reports soon came in confirming that Sidonis had given his life on Palaven saving his family and many others from a Reaper. Just after the war, and all the reports about his heroic rescue, Grunt confirmed it personally, having been on Palaven with the Aralakh Company at the time, and Garrus trusted him. Grunt felt Sidonis had been part of his team, if just for that short time on Palaven, and was saddened by his loss. Feeling for the young Krogan, Garrus decided Sidonis had repaid his betrayal. Forgiveness was still a long way off but he was grateful for his family, despite their distance.

For his service, Sidonis was to be given a medal of Palaven honour, which was rare in the Turian military, for he had done what he was supposed to do in that situation. But unknown to everyone else, Garrus had personally asked Primarch Victus to give Sidonis the medal, so people would remember what he had done for the people of Palaven. Shocked, the Primarch refused at first, for he personally wanted Garrus to have it for his service to the entire galaxy, for saving him personally and his men, but Vakarian still pushed and eventually Victus gave in.

Garrus was now to give a speech and give the medal to Sidonis's next of kin in two weeks' time. And even though Primarch Victus had died in the final battle on Earth, Garrus would still honour that promise to him, as he was a friend.

Dr. Heart-Saleon was another, when he had first told Shepard about him, he hadn't expected her to even take notice, never had he thought she would actually help him. She had more important things to be worrying about. Despite that, she did help him a great deal with the enquiry. And then just like that she had found him.

What had taken him and C-Sec years had taken her about two days. He was amazed at how good she was. No wonder she was a Spectre. Shepard was damn impressive! And after all that, when he finally had the slimy bastard in his sights, she wouldn't let him do it. To say he was pissed was an understatement and he tried to persuade her that if they let him go, he would just get away with his crimes. However, she gently pushed his suggestion aside, telling him they were going to take him in, send him to the military, interrogate him and he would then serve his time.

"How will we know what he's done if we kill him? Think, Garrus."

He then remembered telling the Salarian how lucky he was that his Commander was here. But he spat sarcastically and pulled out his gun, running for the door. Then Shepard shot him. Just like that.

"What was the point of that?" Garrus had said indignantly. Nevertheless, Shepard was calm and explained.

"You can't predict how people will react, Garrus. But you can control how you will respond. In the end, that's what really matters." He had hesitated then, knowing that she was right. She just smiled as he thanked her.

After that, Shepard and everything she did was incredible to him. She was his role-model and she knew it.

She even came to visit him more often and he took notice. He remembered seeing Alenko's and T'soni's looks of disbelief in the canteen and Ashley's disapproval down in the hold. Even Tali took notice. None of them spoke a word, of course, but Wrex did and, by the Spirits, he didn't even hesitate.

But thinking back on it, Garrus was grateful to have the old Krogan around back then and even now. They might not have gotten along at first, far from it. And yet, he now considered him among the greatest of his friends, the ones he could not live without, and when it came to Shepard, he meant that literally. She had been his lover, his best friend, his guide… and though her own life was spiralling out of control, she still found the time to help him with all his other worldly personal issues, and he just wished he had thanked her more. With time and her help, he grew into someone with responsibility, someone in whom others placed their trust.

Unofficially he was the Normandy's second-in-command. Officially he was an expert Reaper Advisor and Primarch Victus's right hand man. He had been honoured, but some days it was all too much. And it showed. Shepard noticed, and tried her best to help him, but back then it was him always trying his best to help her…

"Garrus, you're doing too much. You're gonna give!" Two days after she had said that he had collapsed. Right in front of Wrex, of all people. He took the piss afterwards, but that was expected, and Victus tried his best to work as independently as possible to relieve some of Garrus's stress, but it never worked out that way. Shepard didn't leave his side if she could help it, never saying she had told him so. When he had first collapsed, she had been in a frenzy, but as soon as she knew he was going to be okay, she calmed. She did her best by him, for they looked after each other.

"We're a team, Garrus," she had said and he just smiled in his Turian way and replied the best way he knew how.

"We are in this until the end, you and me." Pulling her close then he had felt like there was no war, it was just the two of them. But like always, moments like this were short-lived and never happened often enough.

Now he was on his own and he just didn't know where to start. The others, they had tried to be as supportive as they could, and his father… Spirits, he had actually hugged Garrus without a word. Now Garrus thought about it, it might have had something to do with the fact that he had broken down right in front of his father... From exhaustion or pure terror, he did not know. But for the first time in his life his father was actually there for him.

Another thing Shepard had done for him, it would seem. But without her there with him… he was lost, alone and, truthfully, afraid. He was no longer what she had made him out to be.

Some were calling him the "Hero of Palaven" and that bothered him more than anything else. He was no hero, not in his mind. She was the hero. She was his heroine, his beautiful and wonderful lady. Tough but kind and ever so thoughtful. With a touch like silk.

He sat upon his bed – their bed with a drink gripped firmly in his left hand. His first thought was it might lessen the pain deep within his chest. But the more he thought about it the less perfect that thought became.

It was a strong Turian whiskey—triple. He had always liked his drinks strong but tonight it was as strong as it possibly could be. A strong drink had never failed to comfort him before, but still, he would have preferred the comfort of her touch over any drink. And yet there was no point in wasting a good drink, was there? So he kept it gripped tightly in his hand.

With a frustrated sigh and a heavy heart he tried to forget what was causing his pain, if only for a moment. He sighed again, but this time it was less strained, he was trying to forget the hole in his heart, as if that were possible.

Garrus refused to forget her. Though he knew the trauma was weighing him down, killing him even, which was nothing compared to the guilt ripping him apart from the inside. The truth was he was afraid of getting help for it might mean forgetting her altogether. He didn't want to forget anything of Shepard, but that would require him to live with everything they had been through together. From Sovereign and his Geth to the Reaper War itself… and just to add even more to the mass of stress he felt, he would have to live that life without her, and the thought of that almost killed his heart outright.

But if that pain was the price to pay to remember her touch, her voice, the joy that she still somehow brought him, then so be it. His bond with her was eternal, for Turians mated for life and he had chosen her as his. He didn't care what his family thought and he certainly didn't care what any human thought either. But there was one exception: his father. When it came to his dad-he did care-a great deal. He had worried night after night about what his father might think. It wasn't a demand, nor was it necessary. It was just one of the most important things to him since the day he had learned to walk. All he had ever wanted was for his father to be proud of him. He had to work his ass off for everything he got, and yet it still wasn't enough. To Garrus, until recently, it would seem that he just wasn't good enough for his father. And yet, when it came to Shepard, he was. He had been all she had ever wanted. Her words-not his. She would make a point by telling him how proud she was, but never too often. She had said she didn't want him getting too cocky, but it meant the world and it showed him she cared and acknowledged him enough to notice. It was more than his family had ever done for him. With his mother dead and his father rarely noticing him, before Shepard came back he was at his lowest. Then out of nowhere she came back to him, and he had never felt such happiness or relief… and now she was gone for good and he was back to where he began. At his lowest. But there had to be a breaking point and Garrus was approaching it. Fast.

"I can't do this without you, Garrus." He remembered her five fingered hands intertwined his his three fingered ones. He hummed and pulled her forehead against his gently.

"Of course you could. Just not as stylishly of course!" She had giggled at his response.

Her giggle echoed within his mind. She would never leave him and in one way he was thankful for just that. That little memory. On the other hand, he hated her absence. His loneliness... Still, he refused the treatment he had been offered, and his father had been less than happy about it.

And yet, he found it almost impossible to be who he used to be. The one who had been by Shepard's side through it all… The Turian she had fallen for, the Turian who had asked her if she wanted to be a one of a kind Turian woman. The question he had been proud to ask. Garrus didn't feel like the one who asked her that question anymore, and he simply couldn't cope with that loss looming over him as well. For she was the one who had given him a new meaning on life, and when she died, a part of him left with her, never to be seen again. Because of her he felt so alive, like nothing could go wrong, like he was the man for her.

Now that feeling was all but a memory, of the good times.

"Just like old times." He almost laughed at the little line he often spoke of after her return from the dead. But it wasn't "just like old times" anymore. It was far from it and he wished for nothing more than to be who he was in those times with her.

There was now an empty void where his heart used to be. A void no one could fill but Shepard.

But that was the one thing she couldn't do. She had given him so many wonderful memories… and yet, it could never be enough. Shepard was gone. Dead. K.I.A. The recovery reports had come in just over a month or so ago and confirmed everyone's suspicions. However, there had been no body, just blood. Too much blood for anyone to survive and there was no sign of her. At first she was M.I.A, and there was still hope, but after weeks of searching, it was called off, to Garrus's disbelief and anger. But he would have to face facts… there simply wasn't enough people and resources to keep looking, and the evidence all pointed to one thing:

Shepard had given her life for everyone, and that included him. Garrus knew she would have thought she was doing him a favour, giving him another life. He didn't think she understood he didn't want one without her. But he had never wanted her to give her life for anybody. She had already done so much… for so many people and all he had done was stand by and—

No.

Thinking like that wasn't going to help and it certainly wasn't going to bring her back… He loved her dearly and had never wanted her to go. But…

At least you got to tell her you loved her–-

Too fucking late.

He knew deep down she would have done it anyway, given her life for the good of everyone else, no matter how many times he told her how much he loved her. It was like her to think of what the galaxy needed first, not what she wanted, not what he wanted. She never had his selfishness that he wished she had.

With that thought, Garrus fought the guilt deep within himself. That thought brought a wave of guilt crashing down on him. It gripped his heart and twisted hard.

It's not fair!

The anger boiled, and even the memory of her couldn't calm his already overworked mind to relax. The real her wasn't there to hold him tight and so his muscles ached and his plates pushed against his fragile skin underneath them. He growled in pain, pain of the body and pain of the mind. Clutching the glass even harder, so much so it almost cracked under the pressure of his gloved hand. Taking notice before it smashed, Garrus released his grip. He tried to calm himself, but it didn't work and his mind still raced and his body still ached.

Growling more out of frustration now, he thought about himself for a while. Him with her, just the two of them…

All he had wanted was for her to be his wife, his lover, his soul mate… Maybe that was too much to ask for, but he had wanted it all so much. He still did. But that was impossible now.

Garrus held his head down in shame.

Maybe I could have saved her—No.

Shepard had done what she thought was right for everyone, including him. That's who she was—selfless and kind—and that's why he had loved her in the first place; that's who he had fallen in love with. And though he mourned her, he knew what she had done was brave and he knew he would never have the heart to change her mind once it was set. She was so brave and he was so proud to be hers.

And even though she was gone, he was still so proud… still so in love he could barely stand it.

"Spirits help me," he whispered into his whiskey before downing the glass. He shivered at the strong taste as he swallowed but shook it off.

Standing, he stretched his aching muscles and walked over to Shepard's old desk, setting down his glass he glanced at the photo of them laughing together on the Citadel.

Vakarian forced a smile at the memories she had held so dear to her heart, and he was just glad he had been counted among them. He smiled fondly, seeing himself through her eyes. She had been such a bright star, and he was glad just to have been at her side as long as she'd let him. He missed her terribly, wanting nothing more than to be by her side again. But he knew he would never hear the end of it from her if he did anything stupid. So there he stayed, waiting for the day he could embrace her once again. So he kept going, just for her.

If he remembered correctly, he'd owe her a drink when he finally caught up with her at that bar. His gaze moved to the portrait of her, in uniform, standing at attention. The Commander, as she was, at her best.

"Get me through today, won't you?" There was, of course, no answer. Sighing, he put the photo back down. He looked away and turned around, half-expecting to see her standing behind him. But the realisation hit him; Shepard wasn't coming back this time.

Not this time…

"I still love you," and with that, he left her cabin for the final time.

As the door closed behind him, he couldn't help but look back one last time. Her door was locked, just as he had ordered. As soon as he set foot outside her cabin it would stay exactly how she would have left it.

Placing a hand on the door, he whispered, "I always will" before heading towards the elevator. He had always known this day might come, sooner or later, and yet he still wasn't prepared. For his heart still broke in two and his soul still died. As the metal doors shut and all the memories came flooding back, Garrus had time to say his goodbyes. He said it slowly, not wanting it… but of course the truth was, no matter how hard it was for him to bear, that she was gone forever.

"Goodbye, my love." He sighed, closing his eyes tight, the only thing missing from his grief were the tears that should have been there. "I doubt I'll live long without you… so I may see you soon." He could have sworn a smile formed at the thought, just because it would mean seeing her again. He breathed in then, trapping his thoughts well into the back of his mind.