AN: This story is dedicated to Tancredi75 and Egoofy34. Thank you for your friendship and great memories. I hope there is more to come.
The sky was orange-yellowish mixed with bright blue and completed with white puffy clouds. It was beautiful and looked warm and peaceful. It was not warm though, at the height the plane was gliding through the air the temperature is freezing cold.
The team was scattered over the jet. Rossi reading in the front. Luke and Stephen were engaged in deep conversation while Tara was napping and then there was Reid with Emily Prentiss playing chess. Emily Prentiss, the new BAU chief. Emily Prentiss her closest friend. Emily Prentiss the person who made her life miserable.
JJ ran her finger down the small jet window letting the cold surface cool her skin. The clouds were seemingly slowly moving in front of her eyes, but she didn't pay attention to them. She was in deep thoughts about how her life ended up in a mess like this. About how the return of Emily Prentiss was the best thing that happened to the unit, but the worse what could have happened to her.
She loved Emily Prentiss as her friend who lived across the ocean in a land far away. She loved the Skype sessions, she loved the scrabble games and she loved the gift packages for Henry´s birthday. Also, she loved the short visits and girl nights. But she really hated to see Emily Prentiss on a daily basis. Having her constantly in front of her eyes, hearing that god damn voice and watching her bossing everyone around is a torture.
Jennifer Jareau was finally over special supervisory agent Emily Prentiss. It took her years of hard work to accept the fact that Emily was happy to see her with Will. That it was Emily who told her to, "Go for it!". It was the brunette who helped her to solve her years-long turmoil when she had no idea about how to sort her feelings out. Because a good girl from Pennsylvania doesn't get a crush on her female co-worker. Never mention that this so-called good girl doesn't fall in love with the mentioned female co-worker in love even if she is in a relationship with a man.
But that is what happened. JJ was a mess, she felt an incredible pull towards Emily Prentiss and had no idea what that meant or how to deal with it. But then Emily pushed towards Will and her problem was solved. At least that is what she thought. But being in a relationship and later even having Henry didn't stop her from falling for the older woman. Her crush slowly but surely transformed into something much deeper and something beyond understanding.
They went through a lot. They went through a lot personally, separately and together too. Life was finally getting good. They have settled into a comfortable routine. Emily was far away, she had her life and her boyfriend and so did she. There were Will and Henry, the team. All was good. Until the day it went all out the window. Derek left, Hotch left and Emily was back. She was back. She was back and in charge. She was back, she was in charge and she was messing up JJ´s life again. She hated it. She hated Emily Prentiss, she hated the coffee Emily brought her every morning, she hated her pantsuits, she hated Emily´s kevlar vest and she hated Emily´s gaze on her.
Those chocolate brown eyes following her everywhere were exactly the reason why she thought that her crush might be reciprocated. That lingering gaze and soft touches were what drove her mad and turned her world upside down those years ago. It was the way Emily whispered "Jennifer" what kept her awake so many nights. Emily Prentiss being always there when she needed her with a cocky smile was the reason why it took her so long to fight her feelings.
Emily Prentiss is the reason why she is the way she is. She is the reason for where she is, she is the reason for everything. It is solemnly her fault that JJ is sitting alone drawing circles on the window. She is responsible for the mess in JJ´s head. JJ didn't have a good night sleep since her return. She couldn't rest, she couldn't relax, all she could do was functioning on instinct. Do routine tasks, live her everyday life in some sort of haze and hoping that one day Emily decides to leave again.
But lately, there was one thought taking seed in her mind. Fight. She should fight for her happiness. Life is too short, they were reminded of it every day. Maybe she should take Emily´s words again and go for it. Would it be so bad? Is that a selfish thing to do? What would that mean? How would that change her, how would it change their life? Would it be worth it? Should she fight more to keep her life with Will? What would be best for the kids? JJ had to suppress a loud laugh. She is going most definitely crazy. She is thinking about how would her life look like without Will. How would her life look like if she could pursue Emily Prentiss? She is thinking about a lot of crazy things while the woman her thoughts are circling around is in love and happy.
Emily Prentiss never wanted her and never will. That is the only thing she should be focusing on. Jennifer Jareau must learn how to be around Emily without being a mess. There must be a way to live happily with Emily around. Surely this numb pain in her chest would go away. Acceptance is her motto from now on. That is the only way she can live her life fully and happily. She has to accept that Emily never wanted her, she must accept that it was all in her head, she must accept that her love is not required. She must accept that everything happens for a reason. She must accept that Emily is happy without her. She must accept that her life is not a fairy tale. She must settle, she must make the best of it.
JJ yawned and then rolled down the car window few inches. She needed some fresh air. Gripping the steering wheel more tightly she quickly checked the mirror. The boys were thank god quiet. Michael was playing with his favorite stuffed toy. A red teddy bear, he was not willing to get it out of his hand since he got it. Henry was watching something on his tablet. JJ smiled, he looks so grown up lately. Her parents will be so excited to have them for few days. They got Friday off and because Will was away on a case she decided to make a trip home.
Henry chuckled in the back seat, this happened a lot lately. He had his tablet attached to his hand these days and always writing something. JJ made a mental note to ask Garcia to look into it. She had his laptop, tablet, and phone "child proofed", some features blocked and she regularly checked up on him. But one can't be cautious enough.
- What is so funny? –she asked him.
- Nothing.
-There must be something if you are laughing. Who is that?
-Nobody.
JJ smiled at him in the mirror.
-Come on, who is that nobody?
The boy squirmed under his mother´s glare.
- Sophie.
- Sophie? Who is Sophie?
- You know, Sophie from my class.
- The brunette with long hair?
Henry nodded and turned his attention back to the tablet. JJ decided to push it.
- So, is she your girlfriend or what?
- She is not.
- But you like her, don´t you?
-Mom!
The boy yelled and blushed making his mother giggle. Time flies by so quickly. Kids grow up, people change, life goes on and one day we realize that the things we wanted to do "tomorrow" or the day after that is not feasible anymore, that our dreams and hopes slipped between our fingers. JJ let out the breath she had no idea she was holding and focused on the road. This weekend off is a blessing, she really needs a little break and relaxes.
Sandy Jareau was happily surprised to see her daughter and grandchildren. After hugging them so tightly that they were out of breath and had slight blue shade she led them into the house.
The house became quiet as the kids with their grandfather took the dog for a walk. The older from the Jareau women intently watched the young one. JJ was making coffee. She filled up the filter without thinking her movements automatic. Sandy knows that her daughter is drinking too much coffee but she also knows that there is no point to even bring it up. Her daughter is working crazy hours, coffee is probably the only thing keeping her up sometimes. No wonder she is addicted to it. Watching her filling up a mug, sitting down at the table and staring into the blank space was something that concerned her much more than the amount of coffee her daughter drinks.
- What is going on with you? – the older woman asked as she sat down across her daughter.
- What do you mean?
- You look tired or, - Sandy Jareau looked at her daughter and tried to choose her words wisely, - depressed.
JJ´s eyebrows shot up.
-Are you serious?
The old woman just nodded and kept staring at her daughter. She hoped that Jennifer will finally tell her what is going on as the last few times she was at home it was really noticeable that she is stressed.
- I´m good, all is good. – JJ said lowering her head and looking into her cup.
- Enough is enough Jennifer, it is the damn time we talked about this!
- Mom! – the blonde jumped in her seat hearing the cursing.
- Something is going on and you have to tell me! Let me help you! I won't let you hide and suffer alone. – at this point the older Jareau had tears in her eyes, mistakes of the past coming back to haunt her. - Please. – She all but begged. JJ rubbed her forehead in discomfort. There is no way she can talk about this, hell, she even doesn't want to acknowledge it.
- It is complicated.
- We have as much time as you need Jennifer.
- I don´t even know myself, mom. – she said quietly. – It is just all messed up.
- Is it work or Will? – Sandy sat down, pulling the chair out across her daughter. – I know you can't talk about the work, but maybe you can go around it.
- It is not exactly work, but not exactly Will. – she sighed – He is a good man, mom. A good father.
Sandy nodded, yes he was, but now it is obvious he is not as good as it seems. Statements like this are followed by big "but´s".
- I have a good life, mom. I do. Couldn't ask for more, I´m blessed. – she moved the cup away and started drawing patterns on the table with her finger.
- But you are not happy, are you?
- I´m not unhappy either. What I am is ungrateful. I have no reason to complain.
- You want to be happy, that is not a crime.
JJ shook her head.
- Thinking of throwing away what I have is ungrateful. A lot of people would do anything to have what I have. I can´t…
- You can´t waste your life, that is what you can´t. Listen to me, whatever bothers you this much is important enough to take steps to solve it. Whatever that is and whatever steps those might be. We live just once, there is no time to waste or to be sad. I´m your mother and I´m telling you to do whatever it takes to be happy.
- I can´t do that, can´t do that to Will, to the kids or to myself.
-Are we talking about leaving Will?
JJ nodded.
-Why? I mean, why you think about leaving him.
- I don't think about leaving him, mom. I would never. – JJ let out a long sigh. Blue eyes swelled with tears. The bag is open there is no point to keep the cat inside. Not when it wants out anyway. - But there is someone I´m in love with for years and I feel guilty. – Long suppressed tears rolled down her cheek. - I mean, I have never. – JJ swallowed a sob and continued with a shaky voice. - I have never cheated on him. That person even doesn´t know I have feelings for them. It´s just, - taking a calming breath she looked into her mother´s eyes, - what I feel is so different from what I feel for Will. It is painful, all-consuming, annoying and so beautiful. – She smiled sadly and wiped her tears. -I can´t destroy our family for someone who doesn't want me.
-How do you know that? Did you tell them?
JJ shook her head.
- No, but they are in a relationship.
- She is not married JJ.
JJ´s eyes went wide, but yes, it was obvious at this point. The woman sitting across her is her mother and not a fool.
- No, she is not.
Sandy smiled.
- You are and that doesn´t stop you from loving her. – Glimpses of previous, years old, conversations came back from her memories. It all made sense know. All those "Emily said this…" and "Emily said that…Emily got hurt again…Emily cooks the best pork chop…Emily, Emily, Emily…". She smiled again and reached out her hand. When JJ placed hers into it Sandy squeezed it smiling. – You always had this shiny glow when talking about her. – Squeezing tighter, offering some strength she continued. – And you lost it when she died. You have changed that day. I should have known.
JJ shook her head.
- No mom, please don't blame yourself. The whole thing is so complicated and hard. I really don't want to add guilt for making you feel bad and blame yourself for it as well.
- Alright. – the older woman nodded. – I won't, but you have to promise me to tell her.
- I can't. She doesn't feel the same way. It would ruin our friendship. But I will talk to Will. He deserves someone who really loves him. It's not fair for me to use him this way as a safety blanket.
- Why do you think she doesn't feel the same way if you never told her?
- I just know mom, she is not interested. – JJ lifted her blue eyes to look at her mother. – If she were, would you be alright with that?
Sandy Jareau squeezed her daughters hand one more time before leaning back in her chair.
- What can I say, Jennifer? You married a good man, you have two beautiful children and yet you are not happy. Actually, you are really down, so what can I say? That you should stay miserable? Hell no! I lost one daughter already. I have never seen it coming and I never helped. If she would have come after me, I would have told her the same I´m telling you to know. Go for it, Jennifer! Be happy! Or at least fight for it. It would be the best for everyone, for Will and the kids too.
JJ felt a lump forming in her throat and a second after she was choking on gut-wrenching sobs. Go for it. The weight of the words fell on her shoulders and she had to support her head which was falling under heavy emotions. The gate was open and she finally let out all the sorrow pent up in her soul. Labored breathing and soft calming words echoed between white kitchen walls as Sandy Jareau comforted her daughter.
Later that night, JJ threw her robe on the chair in the corner of the room and slowly got under the covers. She nestled into the pillow and let out a long breath. It was a hard day. When coming here she never expected this day to turn out like this. She wasn't supposed to have the deepest and hardest conversation with her mom today. She was supposed to help her cook and drink coffee on the porch. They should have gone for a walk with the boys. Saturday afternoon was meant for laughter and relax and yet, here she was.
Curled up under the covers, tears ready to spill out again in the darkness of her childhood room. It couldn't be so easy as her mom implied. It´s not like she can go and just divorce Will and confess her feelings to Emily. There won't be a happy ending. No living happily ever after. There must be a way out of this mess for sure. The outcome even can be happy in some way, but surely it will be far away from fairy tale happy ending.
Two weeks passed since her trip home. Two weeks since her life-changing talk with her mom and two weeks since nothing changed. Coming back to work and facing Emily haven´t changed anything. It didn't give her courage or helped her to sort out her mind. Her feelings were sorted alright, there was no question about what she felt or wanted. But well, that was clearly more than ten years ago. The days passed and JJ had no clue what to do, what should her next step be.
She had no peace at home because of Will. She felt bad looking at him, sharing one room with him. Guilt was eating her up. During a decade she was lying not just to herself but to him as well. It was no fair. She avoided going home and stayed almost every day in the office. Working overtime was not really the best option either if you consider that the unit chief did that too.
Yeah. Staying in late nights meant that JJ did not alone have to watch Emily all day but most of the evening too. It was excruciating - painful and sweet. JJ knew it can't continue like this but it was a big decision and she wanted to be sure that she is going to do the right thing. So, she threw herself into work. She was wearing herself out trying to ease the pressure on her feelings and brain with the extra workload. It was working - she was able to keep herself occupied and also it kept her messy thoughts in check. Until that call.
They were working on a case involving a bunch of arms dealers with possible terrorist involvement. The BAU worked together with the NSA and despite the usual interagency rivalry, everything went as smoothly as it could. BAU was responsible for interrogations and geographical profiling while NSA brought the intel. It worked. Their hard work was rewarded with a location and a phone call giving them green light for the operation. JJ strapped her kevlar on and after checking her gun she walked out of the office. Rossi waved at her from the other side of the room. She was walking towards him when Emily Prentiss strutted out from the briefing room talking with the swat agent in charge. Her black hair was in a ponytail with a black t-shirt under the kevlar and black jeans. JJ felt her heart racing and she had to swallow a huge gulp of air. Emily led them to the parking lot and they got into the cars. JJ went with Rossi. Opening the passenger door she glanced one more time towards Prentiss. The older woman was getting into the car laughing at something Luke said. JJ had strange feeling in her stomach. She had no idea if it was due to her years-long pent-up feelings or the incoming raid.
Bullets were flying all over the place. It was crazy and JJ wanted to duck and doesn't stand up until its quiet again but she couldn't do that. Taking a deep breath she leaned out from her cover and shot three-round aiming at the guy across the room hiding behind a tall stack of boxes. She saw as Luke moved more to the right and started firing. Emily was moving in the other direction with two swat agents behind her.
The raid didn't go the way they wanted. Very quickly it turned into a crazy shootout. Their intel was not accurate and there were more suspects on the premises than they thought. JJ saw Rossi move in too and Luke firing from behind a car. The warehouse turned into a war zone.
JJ moved out from her cover to take another round of shots. In the same moment, she heard Luke screaming Emily´s name. JJ glanced that way still firing and saw how Emily´s body jerked after taking a hit. The scream froze in JJ´s throat. She felt like someone would inject ice into her veins. Emily staggered backward after taking another hit. Her knees buckled and she fell down. JJ ducked back. "No, this is not happening." – she thought taking deep breaths and to try to keep her tears at bay. "No, no, no!" – she bit her lip as in her mind she saw Emily hitting the ground. She has to get to her. Taking few steps from behind the boxes she was firing at the guy hiding behind the stairs when she heard Rossi yelling at her to duck. She dived behind the truck on her left what brought her into one line with Emily who was lying few yards from her not moving.
JJ couldn't tear away from her eyes from the brunette's body. The young blonde was about to lose it. Her body and mind were having a strong reaction to the realization that she has lost Emily – again. Her heart was pumping wildly while she stopped breathing. Her brain was on overload. It was searching and remembering memories she shared with Emily. The whole mix of emotions was running through her veins. She screwed it up! Again! Why? Why is this happening to her? Why she has to lose Emily over and over again? Why she can't forget all those little moments they had? Why? Why?
Pain in her chest was unbearable. JJ was trying to put herself together this is not the time or place for this. She can't afford to fall apart now, not yet. She will have to stand up and finished this as soon as possible. She was about to do that when she realized that the firing stopped. There was little commotion and she heard few "clears" and "suspect downs" before she heard Reid screaming Emily´s name. Everyone stopped. Suddenly there was dead quiet. Luke was watching from afar. Reid just appeared next to him. He stopped and just watched not daring to go closer. JJ saw how Rossi, who was the closest to her, approached Emily´s body and leaned over it. She heard a short laugh and saw how he extended his hand and helped Emily on her feet. JJ closed her eyes and exhaled the air she was holding with a sigh of relief. The vest caught the hit. Thank God! JJ felt her body go limp and she leaned against the truck. After catching her breath she turned her head to see how Reid and Luke hugged Emily tightly as they laughed with relief. JJ stood up and after catching Emily´s eyes for a second she walked out of the warehouse – she needed air.
At the end, the outcome was better than it looked during the shootout. Emily was hit but the vest saved her, one of the swat members got hit in his arm but it was just a scratch. The bullet grazed him. Three of the suspects were dead, four wounded and two captured without harm. Could have been worse. What counts is that they were able to find the warehouse and seize the weapons. There is a big chance to get some information on the terrorist group they are involved with too. They did a good job, the raid was a success. People were walking up and down. Medics were working on the injured and the swat was securing the building and the weapons.
JJ watched how Emily poked into the hole on her vest left by the bullet and said something to Luke with a smile. As they both laughed JJ felt her anger rise. She stepped closer and growled.
- You are the fucking unit chief Emily. What the hell were you thinking?
Luke raised his eyebrows and rather quickly stepped away. Feeling it was not his place to get mixed into this.
- What was that JJ? – Emily asked. JJ rolled her eyes in response. - I hope that this was the first and the last time you spoke to me in this manner in public. – Emily said her eyes looking at the blonde with confusion. JJ rolled her eyes again and this time she added an angry head shake and walked away.
It took more than an hour to finish all formalities on the scene. The crime scene unit already started working, statements were taken and the team was free to go. Emily approached the black SUV, opening the passenger door. She looked at Rossi who was already buckled in.
- Dave, would you mind to go with Luke and Reid?
Rossi nodded.
- Of course. – He said unbuckling his belt and stepping out. He had no idea what was going on but Emily had her no-nonsense look on. That look is notorious. He can ask questions later not now.
- Jareau! You come with me. – Emily yelled at the blonde woman making her way to the other car. JJ gave her a nasty look and it must have been Rossi´s hand on her shoulder and gentle shove what made her move without causing a scene.
The car was silently sliding on the road. They left the village, what actually was just seven houses, silo, and a water tower. Ten minutes of a silent drive led them into the woods. It will take them another thirty minutes to get past it and another twenty to the city. Plenty of time for a very much needed even if uncomfortable talk. Emily noticed that there was something odd about JJ´s behavior lately. The young blonde became distant and clearly anxious.
- What is going on? – she asked the blonde.
- Nothing.
- Come on, tell me.
- I said nothing.
- There must be something JJ because you know better.
JJ gave out an angry chuckle.
- I know better? You should have known better for Christ sake.
Emily pulled off the road and stopped the SUV. Turning towards the younger woman instantly with a surprised face. JJ was obviously angry and quite not herself.
- What the hell JJ?!
JJ was looking in front of herself taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself down but she knew it was in vain. This is it, it´s over. Flood of emotions hit her hard.
- Why did you do it? – she asked but not waiting for the answer she stepped out of the car leaving a very confused Emily Prentiss watching behind her. JJ walked few yards away and started kicking the dirt under her feet. With her hands on her hips, she started shaking her head in anger. She was losing control and she knew it. The door on the car slammed and JJ lifted her head to see the older woman walking around the car.
- Why Emily, why did you do it?!
- What JJ? - Emily had no idea what she was talking about. She was standing there her chest heaving with deep breaths and pure confusion on her face.
- Why did you send me after him? – JJ asked with stone cold voice. - You told me to go for it. – Her heart was racing. She pointed her finger at Emily. - You told me to go for it! – she spat out angrily. - And then you died! You fucking died Emily! You were gone. – tears were swelling up in JJ´s sky blue eyes. – You were gone. – she whispered. - Then you came back. – JJ looked into Emily´s brown eyes and smiled sadly. - And then you were gone again. Left me and went to London! – she said with a loud strong voice almost screaming while walking to Emily stopping just a few steps from her. - You are messing with my life, with my head and today?! You almost died again! – JJ stepped closer and pushed stunned Emily backward. – I can´t take it anymore! – JJ grabbed Emily by her kevlar and pressed her against the SUV. – I´m done watching you dying! – she said while tightly squeezing the kevlar under her hands as their bodies collided and before Emily blinked she was being kissed. JJ´s lips were hungrily sucking on her lips and her tongue slipped into Emily´s mouth as soon as she parted them a little bit. The kiss was passionate and needy. Jennifer Jareau poured all her anger and emotion into the kiss she was waiting on for so long. Her tongue greedily swiped around Emily´s mouth.
When Emily finally kissed her back and lifted her hands to get a hold of the blonde´s hips - JJ backed away. Cursing loudly she turned and walked few steps away getting some space to think and mostly cool off. The consequence of her actions hitting her hard.
Emily couldn´t move, she was stunned. She licked her lips and gulped still feeling the blonde´s tongue in her mouth. „What the hell, just happened?" – she was watching the blonde pacing and throwing angry glances at her. JJ just kissed her like there is no tomorrow and yet still looking like she wants to kill her. Emily Prentiss was yanked out of her shock by a loud noise of her compartments falling to the ground. Every box she had tucked away in her mind with JJ´s name on it flew out and broke. They were lying open now and making a mess in her soul.
- You have no right to yell at me. – Emily stated coldly. - You can be angry, you can be upset and you can feel sorry for yourself. But you can´t blame it all on me! – her voice was becoming louder and angrier. "How does she dare!" – she thought all the pain from previous years coming to surface. - I watched you get married and watched you give a family to someone else. Stake into gut hurt less! – she said her shoulders dropping as she focused her eyes on the blonde standing few feet before her.
This stand off lasted more than a minute. Both of them trying to catch their breaths and clean their minds at least little bit.
- You are right. I don't know how many times I have to lose you to finally have the guts to tell you. – JJ stopped just one foot away from Emily and looked deeply into her eyes. - I love you. I love you so much and for so long that I don't remember not loving you. – she said with low but firm voice.
Emily stopped breathing. JJ´s words hit her hard and freed stream of tears down her cheeks. It was unreal. She has never expected to hear these words from the woman she loved the past ten years. The only person she ever loved so deeply that it was soaked into every cell in her body. She lifted her hands cupping JJ´s cheeks as a soft sob escaped her lips. The blonde wrapped her arms around her waist pulling the older woman close. Her hands trying to find space below Emily´s vest desperate to feel her body and not the hard kevlar even if she was infinitely grateful for it.
They were standing there just holding each other and gazing into each other´s eyes. Both, the brown and the blue one, were full of love. Finally not hidden or disguised but very clear and shining. They leaned in and their lips met again. This time it was soft and gentle. They enjoyed the soft pressing and the feel of their lips brushing against each other before deepening the kiss. None of them dared to moan or move. They were afraid breaking the magic, so they just hold each other tightly while their mouths and tongues tried expressing what was in their hearts.
They were kissing for long minutes before JJ reluctantly pulled away.
- What now? – she asked. Her question loaded. They have families, duties it won't be easy.
- I don't know but I´m not letting you go. – Emily said her voice extra husky making JJ shiver and smile as two strong arms strengthened their grip on her.
Nothing mattered anymore. Everything faded away. Every problem, obstacle, and possible issue. Everything was gone. It was just them left. Two of them against the world from now on until forever.