I know, the last thing you guys want is another venting piece. I'm sorry. I had to write this.
What have I done? Sure, when we had our big fight, there was no blood, but words were said. Words, that no one can take back. I deserve it. Everything that I've been called, everything that was said, I deserve. I don't even know why I'm asking for his forgiveness. Logan has no reason, none at all, to forgive me. I'm such a goddamn coward. I can't even face him. I have a reason for it, but still. I am a fucking coward. He's my best friend. And I can't fucking face him.
Sure, I've got a valid reason. But, it's still pathetic. Goddamn pathetic. I know, that when I confront him, insults will fly. And insults, they remind me of my parents. I can't….I just….it's too much for me to handle. But, Logan doesn't see it that way. I know that he thinks I'm a coward. I don't blame him. Not. One. Bit. He has every right to hate me for the rest of his life.
All I want is for us to make up. For things to go back to the way they were. Logan…I need him. I need him so much, it's not even funny. He's the reason I'm here, writing this. Otherwise, I'd be rotting in Hell. Which is where I should be.
Logan was my first friend ever. And, I mean, ever. My brother introduced me to all my current friends, I never made friends on my own. Logan, was different. He was my first friend, the first person, who actually loved me for who I was, not who I pretended to be. He taught me so much. How to gain confidence in myself, how to defend myself, and stand up for myself, and finally, not to care what others think of me. I know that I'm a mess, a broken mess, and he loves me just the way I am.
Logan….he means so much more to me, than anyone will ever know. I just wish that he would see how sorry I am. How much I regret everything. I'd die for him. I'd do anything for him. If he told me to jump off a cliff, I'd go look up the name of the nearest cliff, and prepare myself to jump off it.
I don't really have many dreams in life. I know I won't become anything. Logan will be. He'll become an amazing doctor, or whatever he wants to be. Football player, singer, anything. He's amazing. I'm nothing, honestly. What college would want a guy like me? My dream is to become a singer. Or a doctor. Both of them…I have no shot.
I hate myself. Honestly, I've never liked me. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm just….wrong in so many ways. All I feel like doing is taking away this pain. There's two ways that my pain could be relieved. One. Logan takes my sorry ass back. Or, I become friends with my razor. Wait. I promised Logan. I can't cut. I can't bring myself to do it. I can't break the promise I made to him. What am I supposed to do? Kendall and Carlos are not part of this. I'm not asking them for help. This is something I need to do on my own. I need to face Logan. I just don't know how.
Would it be fair to say that I can't? I can't bring myself to face my best friend, after what I've done. I need to do it, though. If I want to make up with him, this is something I have to do. Just…how? I don't know how this is all going to work out. All I know, is that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. My name's James Diamond, and I'm living in regret.
Logan Mitchell…I'm so so so sorry for whatever I've done to you. I don't think at all, you could say. I'm working on it. I'm doing my best. I need you, Logan. So much. You're the reason I'm sitting here, right now. If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead. I hope you can see how sorry I am. I know that this isn't the same as talking. Trust me, I'm going to talk to you in person, but this is just a taste of my feelings. You have every right to hate me for the rest of your life. You're amazing. You don't need someone like me. I'm just so sorry, Loges. Know that. I don't really have much else to say, I think I've said all I can, for now. Love from your brother…I hope.
Guys, I'm sorry for writing so many venting pieces. Writing's my way of expressing my feelings, you know? There's someone special, whom I really want to read this, so…yeah. Anyways, I'll start updating stuff, I promise. Smashed'll probably be this weekend. I'm not really sure about anything else. So…yeah, that's all for now.
XO ~Neha