The Lord chugged down his coffee like an addict. He already missed Hawaii and the white and bountiful pages that glared at him on his desk were just inducing the worst headache. He had the usual routine of assessing the new list of creepypastas and was Jeeves ever so right- this new lot were appalling. It would be a goldmine to find one,new,decent pasta. Some of their names were just downright questionable: Jerk the Killer,Morbidly-Obese-White-Man,Kawaii girl,Big-Chested the Killer,The Killer and the list got worse as he descended it. Every time he saw each name,he slumped from his chair like thick goo. Soon enough his body was an awkward position on the floor and his head hung as limp as a ragdoll on the edge of his chair. He looked like a drunk.
There was a knock on the door.
"Arruagh!"
The door creaked open and his assistant,Jeeves,entered. "My Lord?" His eyes filled with worry.
"Auuuuuuu!"
"Do I need to call an ambulance,sir?"
"Yeeeeeeooooooooooo!"
Jeeves,with reluctance,nudged his Lord to sit properly on his seat. "Please,sir. You can do it."
"Jeeves,I can't take it. All these crappypastas...my head...my handiwork..." Zalgo stared at the ceiling with his tongue out.
"I know,sir. I'm here for you- the sooner you throw them in the bin,the better."
"But there's such a big pile!" Zalgo gestured.
"Well,my Lord,perhaps it would be better to get out and take your keys?" Jeeves shuffled his pocket.
Zalgo's head snapped up and turned towards Jeeves like a robot. "Keys?"
"Yes,my Lord. Today is Tuesday."
Zalgo cried in anguish,snatched the keys and slumped to his limousine.
The sun brightly shone like a summer's day,the sky an everlasting blue,wispy clouds scattered across the blue canvas and birds sang and chirped at maximum volume. He read the sign above the doors:
'WELCOME TO THE HELL HOTEL'
Oddly enough,there was no commissionaire to greet the guests. Or a doorman for that matter. Here he was,Lord and ruler of all creepypastas and he had to open doors. How much germs are on these handles anyway?! He kicked the door in and it landed with a thud. "Kneel before me!"
Across the small lobby and behind the desk stood Slenderman. His blank face rose from the lodge book. "I'm afraid I run the show here,do you think you have rights or something?"
Zalgo stood there,he blinked with his bottom lip protruded. He tip-toed over and squinted his eyes at Slender's name badge. 'Hello my name is Slenderman the scariest creepypasta ever and the good-for-nothing manager.' Zalgo raised his eyebrow at Slender.
Slender twiddled his fingers. "Yes,so you'll be working as a receptionist,there are two chefs in the kitchen on the right and the maid is around somewhere. Now if you'll excuse me,I've been up since 8 in the morning." Slender walked to the lift.
"But it's only-"
Slender was away.
"12 in the afternoon." Zalgo sighed and sat down on the chair. He stared at the open book. He grumbled and opened one of the drawers to see a notebook,a smile crept up and he opened it. It was filled with information about the guests. Eyeless Jack requested that a 'sacrifice' were to be left at the kitchen door in a black bag and the kitchen should be abandoned from 11pm to 6am every night. The Rake requested that a chainsaw should be resupplied promptly when it 'mysteriously' breaks down after 'sharpening' tools. Smile Dog requested that the finest bitches be delivered at his door at his beck and call.
He heard a high-pitched voice clear their throat and he looked up. There stood Trenderman with a hand on his hip like a chav. Behind him was Sexual Offenderman playing with his jammed zipper. Zalgo turned the book towards them. "Sign your names here and I'll show you to your rooms."
"I want the penthouse." Trender said.
Offender tugged the zipper upwards.
Zalgo handed Trender a pen. "Okay but you need to si-"
"Why won't you give me the penthouse?"
Offender flung his hips forward and started thrusting rhythmically with his tugs.
Zalgo sighed. "I understand,but-"
"I will complain if you won't give me the penthouse."
Offender ripped the zipper off and his trousers fell to the floor. Zalgo and Trender stared at him expressionlessly. Offender gasped and jogged to the lift in panic but the trousers around his ankles slowed him. He tripped and rolled into the lift. He slammed the button numerous times and at that moment before the crack of the doors closed- his trench coat opened.
Zalgo signed Trender in and took him up to the penthouse. The room was a bright white,able to blind people on a sunny day. Zalgo put on his shades. "Press this button here if you need anything." He went back to reception in the lobby. Before he could sit down another guest entered through the double doors. It was Slender's three proxies.
"Hi,we're here to check in." Masky waved while Hoodie clung onto his arm like an over-protective wife. Ticci-Toby was spasming out so much he started shaking his jazz hands.
"Whatever,sign your names and I'll show you to your rooms."
Masky hurriedly signed them and they made their way to the lift. Before Zalgo stepped into it the phone rang. He noticed Hoodie shaking like he was having a convulsion. Zalgo growled and yanked onto his hood and hem of his hoodie and threw him into the lift making a huge crack in the wall. Masky was frozen still and Ticci-Toby started shaking his legs like he was doing the hokey pokey. The doors slid to a close and up they went.
Zalgo begrudgingly lifted the phone. "H-"
"I've been trying to reach you all day!" Trender's voice screeched over the phone. "I need some of your finest cutlery specialities and make it snappy!" He hung up.
Zalgo hissed and went into the kitchen. His mouth dropped open- there was a fire! The flame was ablaze and consumed the entirety of the 3 stoves. Black smoke engulfed the kitchen like a thick fog. Jeff and Jane were having a knife fight. Jeff was on top of the counters and Jane was using a chef's hat as a shield. "What are you butt lickers doing!?" Zalgo screeched. "And what happened to the smoke alarm?!"
"Oh,we took the battery out of that shit." Jeff smiled and continued fighting Jane. He grabbed a stack of plates as Jane ran across the room. He threw each one like a Frisbee and each one shattered loud enough to send a ring through Zalgo's ears. Jane grabbed dining knives and threw back at him. Zalgo roared and ripped the fire extinguisher off the wall and fired the contents at the flames like he was holding a machine gun. He roared like a lion and Jeff and Jane stared at him.
Once order was restored he shot a look at them. "Go to your rooms,I'll be taking over." Jeff ran out with Jane following closely. He took a raw chicken out of the fridge and stormed up to the penthouse. He kicked the door open and Trender jumped. "Here,eat your slop." Zalgo threw it at him.
"I can't eat this! I bet it tastes like pee!" Trender waved the chicken in his face.
"Well,maybe it's because I did piss on it." The doors closed as he heard Trender scream and turn on the taps at full blast. Back in the lobby he saw Ben wearing a full maid's outfit. They caught each other's gaze in one awkward motion. Ben fumbled with his mop. "I hear cross-dressing is mostly socially acceptable?"
Zalgo didn't reply.
Ben turned as red as a tomato. "Hey! Slender made me wore this 'cause I wear a tunic!" He put his stuff away in the closet. "Oh yeah,there's been a couple of complaints and I need to bring you up to someone's room." Ben gestured for him to follow.
Up on the 6th floor,they entered a room where the pastas had all gathered around. Jane,Jeff,Eyeless Jack and Laughing Jack,Toby,Masky,Hoodie,Trender,Slender,Splendor,Rake and Bob. From the room they surrounded,he could hear: "Hoo-boy that's some good stuff!" "Yeeowzeers!" "Haha,oh-oh,yeah,mmhmm!"
Zalgo pounded his fist on the door. "Sir,you cannot whack off in this hotel. Other people live here,you know." He sounded like Willy Wonka with his monotone voice.
Ben came up beside him. "Haha,yeah!" Ben kicked the door. It loosened from its hinges and it fell flat. There was a thud and a silence. Offender's DNA rifle was as straight as a stick. Everyone screamed. Eyeless Jack bolted on all fours,Ben's face screwed up like he ate a lemon,Splendor fell on his knees and yelled, "WHY!?" to the ceiling,Trender fainted,Rake and Bob ran into each other and knocked themselves out,Hoodie crawled into a corner and sang a lullaby,Slender teleported away,Masky and Toby ran into the wall,Zalgo ran through the wall creating a hole,Jeff and Jane leaped out the window,Laughing Jack's nose fell off and Offender slipped on the water and shower curtains and landed with a crash.
Zalgo slid down the banisters like a racer,his cloak flew in the wind. Once out the lobby,he ripped open the limousine door and drove off leaving a puff of exhaust in his way. He dialled Jeeves. "Quick,call a psychiatrist and have ready some homemade cookies. Oh,and call me an animal shelter and have them send me kittens."
Well hey,decided I'd do a sequel. In fact I'll think I'll make this a series and do all the days of the week.