Disclaimer: obviously I don't own Bleach. If I did I wouldn't be here writing about it, I'd be re-writing it to my own, twisted ideas.

A/N: ok I really love Bleach but I'm rather upset with the outcome of the Espada…SO, lets' just pretend they didn't all die and that there is some actual feeling hidden within Ulquiorra…anyways this is my first official Bleach story and I hope for some good feed-back so I can improve and stir the emotions (whether they be violent or fluffy) within my readers XD btw this is a diary, regardless of what Ulqui-chan would have to say about it, that he kept in his time in Hueco Mundo. It recounts his events throughout his time spent there and even gives insight into his feelings.

Me: so how DO you feel Ulqui-chan?

Ulqui-chan: …

Me: ignoring me huh?

Ulqui-chan: …

Me: right then onto the story!

Grimmjow: 'bout fucking time you fucking whore!

Me: is that really anyway to talk to me…?

Grimmjow: who said I was talking to you? I was talking to the pale freak over there that can't seem to figure out that only Kiss can wear eyeliner like that without coming across as gay!

Me: 0_0

Ulqui-chan: just because you're not ready to come out of the closet yet doesn't mean you get to bash other people, trash. Besides, nearly every guy in that band turned out to be insane, bi, or gay. One even does a Coke commercial. Desperate much?

Me & Grimmjow: HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT SPOKE! AND DISSED KISS! X_x (died of blunt force trauma to the brain; I wonder who…?)

Random guy: alright on with the story!

Chapter 1: the betrayal.

Ulqui-chan's POV~

-Flashback-

I sat on the roof, the cold breeze of the night air rushing along the empty plains of Hueco Mundo, caressed my face. Everything was calm, nothing stirred or fought or broke things unnecessarily in a struggle for meaningless power and dominance, and for once, I felt as if everything was right where it should be. Grimmjow, a close combatant of mine for many months, was probably in his room, blaring Screamo and sleeping heavily or having crazy animal sex with god-knows-who. Even inside my head, everything was clear and focused on the task at hand. Aizen had asked me to keep a record of my feelings, thoughts, and occurrences during my time left here. He has given me a small black book, with a red silk ribbon to keep one's place, and my name neatly engraved in the bottom right hand corner on the back page. The pages were small, light gray in color, and carefully lined so the author could clearly see his or her boundaries as they wrote. I was unsure at the time whether my master had asked any other Espada to track their recent happenings but my efforts to find out proved fruitless and I was left to question my masters motives, which in all likelihood, would prove to be my downfall.

I can't remember what else I felt that night as I resigned to my dark purple and black bedroom, the moonlight coming in through to large open window opposite the door. I might have felt lonely, depressed, or even curious as to what my first entry might hold. But being the obedient slave I was, I sat down at my dark brown mahogany desk, picked up my old raven feather pen and uncorking a bottle of black ink, opened to the first page and began wracking my brain for answers, as the feather wrote wavelike on the soft paper below.

-Flashback End-

1/7/07

Dear,-well whatever your formally known as.

I have the pleasure to inform you that today was the first day in nearly two weeks that I have not broken into a quarrel with Grimmjow. I'm not entirely sure where he was today but seeing as I managed to miss him all evening as well, I feel rather fortunate. The man NEVER shuts up. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze until he stops fighting in and slips peacefully away into the darkness, though these thoughts have been deemed slightly disturbing according to Ichimaru-sama and he is still debating whether to tell Aizen-sama or help me do it because, frankly, nobody but Nnoitra can stand him. I think the Sexta and Espada Quinco may be having an affair…

Due to lack of evidence, I have yet to prove this theory, though I know it is correct. I'm not entirely sure Arrancar have sexual preferences beyond looks and attitude, meaning, I don't believe the gender really matters. I myself have been sexually aroused by both male and female alike and find no difference in the sex between them, though I must say there is a complex technique to both. Males, for instance, an area I am most familiar with, prefer or rather demand a rough, brutal time in bed, often involving blood and varying amounts of pain and bondage. Woman, however, liked to be pleased with a more gentle touch, more caressing and soothing to hide their fear of pain and underlying insecurities. I will, in any event, fuck either.

Seeing as both Nnoitra and Grimmjow are both very aggressive and masculine, I have no doubt they must, at some point, have been drawn to each other for a night of crazy, animalistic satisfaction, much like that of two leatherback turtles that hump one another to gain the answer to their craving, in which one must submit to the other, otherwise called "the determining of the Uke and the Seme". Seeing as I can imagine neither Grimmjow nor Nnoitra submitting to one another as the position of Uke, I am left with the gap in my theory. Therein lies the problem of the week. I wonder what I would be…? Surely not Uke to Nnoitra but possibly to Grimmjow. His demeanor is quite overpowering at times.

Anyways, I have a meeting to attend at 9:30 pm sharp and I have no intention of being late. I shall conclude this entry with a charming farewell and a kiss from me to you ;)

Sincerely, Ulquiorra Cifer.

A/N: I know this chapter was a little...tight assed…but I can vogue for Ulqui-chan that after he gets comfortable and has more time to adjust, he'll start opening up to new things ;) I promise the next chapter will be longer and shit but some feedback would be nice if u'd pweaseeeeee!

Me: so what u think Ulqui-chan?

Ulqui-chan: …'

Me: is that so?

Ulqui-chan: it was very…insightful.

Grimmjow: HAHA FUCKING SERVES YOU RIGHT BITCH! AIZENS'S GONNA FUCK YOU LIKE I FUCKED NEL!

Everyone else: 0_0

Me: isn't that child rape…?

Grimmjow: not if she likes it you dumb fucks.

Me: Nel…?

Nel (kid form): i…I don't member nuffin but I woke up next to him one mownin…he towld me he gave me a lollipop and I got rewwy tired and fewl asweep.

Me: so u did rape her…..

Grimmjow: NO she came into my room screaming 'bout getting some motherfucking puppy and then she ran into the wall and hit her head. I left her there and went to leave and next thing I know she went all hot chick on my ass and begged me to take her! The lollipop was a metaphor hehehehe~ I got kinda pissed when she screamed Ichigo's name so I knocked her over the head to shut her up and then she's a little girl again…but I still finished.

Me: excuse me officer but this man raped a little girl…and beat her up when she tried to scream for help.

*Grimmjow goes to jail for child rape and the abuse of a minor* THE END.