When she met people who asked about her past, she always spoke as if Jax was dead. She never actually claimed he was, but her tone always indicated that he was someone without a future to live out. Joshua was the only one who knew the truth; not because she felt comfortable enough to confide in him, but because he had thoroughly researched Jax after he turned up in her background check. She wasn't looking for sympathy, but simply the ability to move on in a way that the finality of death offered. It wasn't until she began to plan her way back to Charming after her father's passing that she allowed herself to stop living the lie. By then, Kohn had her so isolated, there was no to keep up the lie for.
Day by day, she allowed herself to chip away at the lie she perpetuated for so many years until she found herself imagining what it would be like when she went back go Charming, back to where Jax was. She had no doubt he was still there. If her intuition didn't convince her, the regular Google searches she did on him did. Over the years, she read about him, about SAMCRO, about Charming. She read every article she could get her hands on about anything connected to her past. She quickly learned to constantly clear her browser history when she did these searches for fear of Joshua's reactions if he found out. He only saw once and his resulting outburst had him screaming inches from her face. It was enough to scare her into being more careful, but not enough to cause her to quit.
Every time she read of his arrests, her reaction depended on the day she was having. Good days meant that she made the right choice; she got out, made something of herself, and wasn't sucked into the Charming cesspool. Bad days meant she questioned everything she'd done and what she thought she wanted because all that sounded right was going home to be with Jax. It didn't matter what kind of day she was having when she read his wedding announcement that she was sure Gemma had put together. Every time she stumbled across that in her searches, she felt a little sick, a little jealous, and felt the hole in her heart so acutely that she wondered if she was destined to love only him for the rest of her life.
The more she imagined the reunion waiting for her and Jax when she arrived in Charming, the more she began to rationalize it. There would be no picking up where they left off. He was married now, presumably happily, and had no use for a high school sweetheart who broke his heart. In fact, it was more likely he hated her for what she had done and was much happier with someone who fit solidly in his world.
As the day of her return drew closer, she became convinced that her stay in Charming would be both temporary and uneventful. She had rationalized away any desire Jax may have to see her and figured that anyone else who might care about her return would either side with Jax or had forgotten about the girl once labeled merely as the daughter of the town drunk. Just as she no longer had any stake in Charming, Charming had no stake in her.
Two days before her departure from Chicago, her boss called her at home sometime after dinner and a glass or two of wine. "I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to respond right away. I want you to really consider this," he had said. She was being offered an opportunity at St. Thomas in Charming. An opportunity that would do great things for her career. An opportunity that would extend her stay in Charming and wreck havoc on all of her personal rationalizations. She listened to her boss and promised she'd have an answer by the time she arrived in Charming two days later. She wanted the decision made before the town, and the people in it, had the chance to influence her choice. Could she survive in a town that threatened to swallow her and face the people she'd estranged herself from for the sake of her career?
Her plane landed two days later and she called her boss. She'd be staying. She'd have to grow up and handle her personal problems. The offer from St. Thomas provided two very important things she could not pass up: an advancement of her career and an escape from the nightmare Joshua wouldn't let her wake up from. Still, she tried to internally downplay any and all reunions from people in her past. She was determined to act cordial with anyone who approached her. She had put on a face and perpetuated half truths for years. she was confident now in her ability to do the same in Charming.
Because of this confidence, she wasn't prepared for her reaction when she saw Jackson walking down that hospital hallway. She simultaneously felt like crying, running to him, and avoiding him. Instead, she put on her most professional face, talked shop, and desperately tried not to melt at the smile he flashed her way. So far, her front was holding strong. As long as she was here in the hospital, she'd be fine. Outside, remaining cordial would be hard. But the decision was the right one. Never before had she let Jackson affect her career. She was about to start now.