Written for a request on LiveJournal [Ritsu/Soubi, Ritsu's thoughts the day he hands Soubi over to Seimei and realises he's been tricked.]
He stands at the window and watches the two boys (boys?) walk down the path towards the tangle of trees. Well, he thinks, and as the shorter one leads the taller one into the shadows he turns away from the glass and surveys his office. It seems a little… odd, to him, that Soubi was here and here and here and he was sitting on that chair not five minutes ago and he was leaning against that wall, shaking, sliding to the floor and shaking, and now he is not. Now, he is gone.
Perhaps – and he frowns because this is unlike him, to question himself in this way and to lose confidence, but the thought is there pre-formed and there's no stopping it now – was it my pride that caused me to lose him? He leans against the desk and the sharp solidity against his hip anchors him. Lose him, he thinks, there is no 'lose him'. He never intended Soubi to be his, did he? –did he?
He doesn't like it, this uncertainty. It is alien and unwelcome, so he decides to busy himself with the mundane. He opens his laptop and sits, but he can't keep still – he is seeing the boy everywhere. With a clatter he rises, opens the cabinet drawer and pulls out the whip, runs it over his fingers, savours its harsh coils against his palm. It soothes him.
He doesn't know how long he sits there, leaning back in his chair, passing the whip lazily through his fingers, staring through half-closed eyes at the butterflies on the wall and not – not thinking.
At last he decides he should visit one of the lessons, stand straight-backed behind the class and intimidate the students and the teacher. That way – surely he will feel better. He passes the chair Soubi had been sitting in before he left with Seimei, and Ritsu is not a romantic but maybe if he was he would brush his fingers across the seat and pretend he could still feel Soubi's warmth.
The whip he leaves in the cabinet drawer, locked. He won't be needing it again.