Chapter 1: Big Boy Little Boy

Big boy, it's hell being unwell

You know you're stuck where you fell

I know you're mad, you're on a warpath

But you don't want to bury more friends

Drops of sweat slowly slid down his face dropping onto his collarbone as James shuddered into his satin sheets. 5:45 AM the clock on his bed side table blinked, shedding a pale blue light in the room he shared with Carlos.

Humidity was heavy in the air like rain and permeated the whole room, the scent strong and sharp. There was no way to escape the summer heat, even at night, especially since Bitters refused to repair the ac. So James had awoken in the middle of the night, his sleep shattered and wet dream interrupted.

He bit his lip, trying to hold back a moan that threatened to wake up his younger friend. Carlos lay on top of his blankets, nude besides a pair of tight blue boxer briefs hugging his hips and his head lying in a small puddle of drool.

James would have laughed or checked him out but tonight was about Kendall. Well this night and every other for a month now. He was past childish things like late night erections, or so he thought, but his mind went wild with thoughts of Kendall.

Tugging on his black and gold hair, rubbing against his waist, forcing himself deep inside his best friend, James could control it during the day but it ate him at night. So that's how he found himself now.

Tank top above his head, sweat pants pulled past his thighs, left hand twisting a nipple, and his right stroking up and down his thick cut eight inches while paying special attention to the head. Thrusting upward into his fist, body rising off the bed, James imagined it was Kendall's mouth worshiping his length. He couldn't help but let out a low groan at the thought.

James turned over and positioned his body as if he were doing a one handed pushup, with his right hand still wrapped tightly around himself, and started to grind slowly into his sheets while doing pushups. The grunts and groans came freely now while he made the best of his situation.

If he were going to get off it might as well be while working out. Everything he seemed to do now was to push his self harder, to reach that next level, and just maybe Kendall would raise a thick eyebrow and ask if he'd been "working out" while wearing that perfect crooked smile.

A lot of the things James had done actually ended up being simple ways to get the lanky teen to notice him. Like accidentally knocking him into the pool or forgetting to knock on the bathroom door. Yet, these days Kendall had been way too enamored by his new love interest Jo to notice him. None of the guys could go a day without hearing how sweet, funny, cute and perfect she was.

In actuality she was all of those things and probably more and James fucking hated it. The four best friends had known each other since middle school but Kendall and he went back to grade school. And somehow that blonde bitch had ruined a friendship dynamic older than her and Kendall's "relationship."

James didn't truly have any ill will towards the girl but she was in the way and he needed her gone more than anything. He shook his head and tried to get her out of his mind, less he lose his erection or his focus. With one last pushup he was at 80 and while it was a bit shy of the usual 100, he had never done them while stroking himself.

Getting up slowly, James made his way to the large vanity mirror on the door and watched as he rubbed a hand down his sweaty body. He loved the way his body lustfully thrust forward and how each rope of thick muscle moved on command. Yet he loathed his looks at the same time. Was he too ripped, not nearly toned enough? Was he desirable because of his personality or was he just another piece of meat? Did anyone truly see him for his personality or was he only "the face"

Everything began to crash together now, his want for Kendall, hatred for Jo, and self worth all boiled into one. James turned away from the mirror just as his balls tightened against his groin.

"Fuuuuuck!" He yelled into the silence of the night as he came. Ropes of thick come shot hot and white across the small room, hitting the opposite wall. James legs quivered before giving out and he hit the floor with a loud thud and doubled over in pain. The noise had startled Carlos who jumped out of bed and ran to his friend's side. Worry lined his face as he shook James trying to get him to stand.

"James! James, are you okay? What the hell just happened?" James tried to talk but the pain in his abdomen felt like razors licking up and down his body. Frantic, Carlos looked around the room to try and find what could have gone wrong when the smell hit him, sweat and sex. He stared down at James in confusion and when he saw the come pooling around his bare feet, it made sense.

"Di-did you just pass out trying to jerk," His sentence was cut short when James grabbed his shoulder tightly.

"Carlos, be quiet do you want everyone to hear you? Just get me to my bed and get me some water please?" Carlos nodded and half carried half drug him to his bed and laid him down awkwardly against his lap. The position along with the smell in the room started to affect the younger boy as James felt Carlos' hard on pressed against his back.

"Okay James I did what you wanted now tell me what happened."

"Dude I already told you that I don't want to talk about it can you just drop it already?"

James hadn't meant to scream but he was frustrated and his body still convulsed every while with pain. Besides how would he explain to his guy friend that he had been jacking off about Kendall?

"Listen, you don't have to give me full details. I don't need them but just tell me you're gonna be okay alright?"

"Yea, I was just working out that's all and I…over worked myself. It happens all the time; I'll be fine I promise."

Carlos stood up and grabbed the blankets off his bed before returning to James' bed. He pulled up a chair next to his bed and made himself a spot next to him. James raised an eyebrow but Carlos just smiled.

"You aren't passing out again on my watch okay? Don't even think about getting up to exercise anymore tonight. You're gonna kill yourself worrying about how you look and then none of the girls will care about how hot you are."

James rolled his eyes before pulling his sheets over himself.

"Carlos, did you just call me hot?"

"Did you just come all over yourself and nearly pass out?"

"Shut the fuck up!"

This time it was Carlos' time to chuckle to himself as he closed his eyes. James struggled to get to sleep for the first few minutes with how much he should tell his friend but shrugged it off. His mind was put at ease as he felt Carlos' breathing steady and as James smiled at the thought of Carlos watching him through the night, yet he wished it were someone tall blonde and handsome instead.

...

The bright LA sunlight sliced its way through the half opened blinds, pouring a Midas like brilliance around the room. Everything was kissed with a golden hue as flecks of dust danced in the bright beams and light fell onto James' face.

He groaned at the intrusion and tried to put his pillow over his face in a vain attempt to regain sleep. Usually he would have been awake and taking in the sunlight, ready to face whatever the day had for him.

But due to last night's events and an acute pain in his side, James didn't want anything but another hour of rest.

Yet he knew that there was too much planned for today to get away with it. Carlos had apparently left sometime earlier as he found the chair empty.

Making his way to the small shared bathroom, James struggled to stand upright as he felt his abdomen clench tight with pain. He made it in time to grip the white porcelain sink and stare into the mirror.

Shit would be an understatement if he described what he saw, stringy strands of hair clung to his forehead, dark circles hung under his eyes, and sweat caked his skin. He opened the medicine cabinet and found his pills, he took a handful before looking away.

Groaning, he took off his clothes and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water cascade down his body in rivulets. The pain slowly started to subside and James breathed a sigh of relief.

Whatever this was, it was starting to recede. After a quick shower, he made his way into the living room were Carlos and Katie sat enjoying an old episode of SpongeBob on the flat screen tv.

"Listen," Katie started. "The show doesn't have to make sense. It's just a kid's show for kicks and giggles."

Kendall rolled his eyes before returning to his cereal.

"And all I'm trying to say there is no possible way that two dudes could possibly raise a kid; I mean I don't care how gay the two are. It takes a woman to teach a baby how to do stuff."

At this point Logan had turned away from the kitchen counter and joined in the petty argument.

"Actually, it's been proven multiple times that two males can successfully raise a child. Besides you two are arguing about this when it's clearly not possible for there to be fire or a glass of water under the ocean."

Carlos burst into laughter as Patrick was hit in the head with a coconut and James chuckled. True Carlos was one of the youngest but sometimes he acted too much like a kid for his own good.

Mrs. Knight smiled as she handed him a plate of food that he quickly turned down. Even if his stomach wasn't turning summersaults, he knew better than to eat her cooking.

Kendall's mom was great at so many things, it just happened that cooking wasn't apart of them; most of the time it reduced their daily meals to anything she could microwave.

Mrs. Knight handed the food over to Logan who shot James a dirty look before she raised her voice.

"Kendall that's enough, everyone has their opinions and I won't have any arguing this morning. James, are you okay darling? You don't look to great."

Logan raised an eyebrow. "Yea, you usually eat something in the morning. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine; actually I'm more than fine. I'm pretty hot." James flashed a convincing smile when Carlos turned around.

"You were pretty hot last night, I mean in the temperature way, all passed out on the floor and-"

A loud crash interrupted his sentence as everyone turned to James who had shattered a plate against the bar. His breathing was fast and his face was a bright red as he rushed over the couch and tackled the younger boy.

With his fists around Carlos' throat and a fist raised in the air, James whispered so the others wouldn't hear.

"I thought you said you weren't going to tell anyone else? I thought I could fucking trust you!"

"James get off of him right this instant! Do you hear me?"

James didn't hear or see anything Mrs. Knight said but instead raised his fist higher. Before he could land a hit, Kendall threw a jab and hit him square in the jaw but James didn't bulge.

Logan rushed in and struggled to put some distance between the larger guys while Katie watched in shocked silence. Kendall hit the taller boy again but this time he moved and the guys struggled to get Carlos on his feet.

Everyone stared as James stood; he looked nothing like himself, chest heaving and eyes a deep shade of crimson. Carlos was near tears, confusion and anger strewn across his face.

"Dude what the hell was that? I was just going to say that we worked out last night! What the fuck is your problem!"

"Carlos, do not talk like that my Mom and Katie are in the room!"

"Oh, so he can fucking attack me and everyone takes his side?"

"Listen man, it's not like that-"

"Everyone stop! Now I don't know what just happened but James I don't want you in the house if you're going to have another outburst like. Katie, come help me clean up the glass. Kendall, go handle Carlos. Logan I know it's a lot but will you take James outside for a while please?"

The group separated, listening to her orders as James stood in the middle of the room, the rage he had just experienced leaving his face. Logan walked up to him and placed an arm around his shoulder and walked him to the park.

They found a bench and sat for a while in silence before Logan spoke.

"James, I'm not sure what's going on with you but you can't go around treating your friends like this. You're acting like a little kid."

He opened his mouth to speak but instead gagged and vomited into the bushes. Why had he acted that way towards Carlos?

He had always trusted his friends before and none of them had betrayed him before. This anger had been different though; it had rushed over him in waves and taken over his very being.

Logan rubbed his back and pushed a hand through his hair.

"You know we have rehearsal for our summer tour in an hour and unless you talk to me, I doubt Gustavo will let you in after your fit."

James sighed before speaking; trying to collect his words and arrange them in a way Logan would understand just enough to leave him alone.

No one else could know about him nearly passing out and if they did, he would end up having to talk about Kendall.

"I've been…really stressed lately and it gets kinda hard to keep in. It's not a big deal or anything just,"

"James you do realize you could have seriously hurt Carlos back there. What happens next time you get mad? Are you going to try and hit me, or Katie, maybe Kendall? There's more going on than just a little stress."

"Damn it Logan! Can't you just leave me alone? Stop trying to psycho analyze me like I'm one of your stupid college books okay?"

"I don't think you realize that I just want to help and you're being defensive and a complete jerk."

The words stung as they sunk in. Logan wasn't the type to raise his voice or even curse but what he said usually stuck and it left James feeling foolish.

"After rehearsals okay?"

Logan looked as if he wanted to say more but left it alone.

"Alright, but I'm watching you okay?"

The tension in the Rocque Records was thicker than it had been while the guys had fought over the "Oh Song" and the "Yea Song." Logan and James stood to one side while Kendall and Carlos were on the other throughout the rehearsal.

Even Gustavo, who was easy at breaking up many countless fights between them, decided it was best to leave it alone. Kelly had suggested that they all take breaks and perhaps that would calm them down but to no avail.

They had both decided that canceling early would be the best idea.

So James found himself lounging next to the pool to calm down and avoid Logan when he felt a hand on the back of his neck. Camille smiled and sat down next to him, two smoothies in her hand.

"Hey! You looked like you could use some cheering up." She handed him the drink and sipped her own.

"So you've been stalking me, got me a sugar filled drink I don't need, and though it would cheer me up?" He said with a smile.

"Actually, I was running some errands for the executive producer of New Town High because I was planning on getting a part. But I saw you looking all pitiful and decided you needed it more than him. Really though, what's got you down?"

James rolled his eyes and at the same time they both spoke. "Boy drama,"

Camille had been the only person he trusted with his sexuality. Soon after their accidental kiss, James explained that he hadn't been interested in her and that he was trying to see if he could have chemistry with a girl.

She had even tried to help him buy getting him with the Annie girl from the beach but none of it seemed to work. Every relationship seemed to fizzle after a day or so and Kendall remained the only thing on his mind.

But even she didn't know about his crush.

"I kind of, well, attacked Carlos today. And before you say anything I was just really upset I didn't mean it."

"You know, maybe if you had someone to take that aggression out on besides your friends, you would be a happier person."

"Camille, a guy isn't the answer to every problem I have. I think this is a bit more than sexual frustration."

"Think about it though, why do you think Kendall is so relaxed all the time? We have got to find you someone."

James just sighed and let her rant. He knew she meant well but her constant obsession with love could be a bit over bearing.

Regardless, he liked her just the way she was and unlike other girls at Palmwoods, he enjoyed her company just as much as his guy friends.

"Okay then, find me someone love guru. I'm not sure if I can trust you seeing as how you lost Logan."

"Hey that was mutual! Besides, this is about you not me. How about Jett? He's pretty, has a great body, and Jo says he may not be as straight as he looks."

"Are you kidding me? If I ever came out to the guys with him on my arm they would laugh me out of BTR."

"Okay well, Guitar Dude is high out of his mind half the day and hitting on girls the other half. How about one of the guys?"

James choked and spat out his smoothie, spraying blue all over an unsuspecting pedestrian that walked by.

"Why would I go out with one of them? We're all super close friends; wouldn't that just be weird and awkward? None of them are even bi or anything like that."

"You never know, you're hiding your sexuality from them so they could be too!"

"He isn't even like that Camille so drop it!"

She jumped up in excitement as James' slip of the tongue spilled more than he thought.

"It can't be Carlos because I could see that one happening. You two are just so alike that you would complement each other. It's not Logan. Even though he's charming, smart, and funny he isn't your type. Not straight forward enough. I bet its Kendall isn't it?"

James groaned and grabbed her so no one would hear.

"Will you keep it quiet? I don't want the whole place to hear! Why would you even guess him anyway? Don't tell me it's that obvious!"

Camille's eyes grew wide as she stared into the distance.

"It just makes sense, James a troubled teen torn between his feelings and friendship for a boy that may not even love him! It's a tale of drama and passion! Death and betrayal as one boy goes to the ends of the earth for the one he loves only to-"

He covered her mouth before she could utter another word.

"Don't put us into one of your fantasy movies! People end up getting hurt and not getting what they want is stories like that. Now I have to go talk to Logan so can you please keep this to yourself?"

Camille motioned as if she were zipping her lips.

"We have to talk about this though, okay?"

He nodded but with no real intention of keeping his promise.

The late afternoon found James in the room that Kendall and Logan shared as he waited for his brunette friend to show up. Well at least that's what he told himself but the truth was, the house was empty and he loved laying in Kendall's bed.

Everything about it reminded him of the lanky teen, from the bright green plaid sheets, its messy but neat look, and the way it smelled like him.

That room was quite different from his, where his was covered in dirty clothes, hair products, and food wrappers, the other two kept it relatively clean.

There was a small desk with books, a guitar in the corner with sheet music, and a few chairs for company. James held the blanket to his face and breathed in the scent when he heard a quiet knock on the door.

His face became a bright pink as he looked at Logan. But the other boy just raised an eyebrow and sat down at the desk.

"So are you ready to talk everything now? Or am I interrupting something?"

He pulled the blanket from his face and shook his head.

"You're not, but I don't think I want to talk about this whole Carlos thing anymore. Can we just drop it?"

"James, I don't want to talk about Carlos, this morning, or any of that. I want to talk about you. You've been acting strange for about a month now and I just want to know what's going on."

Logan stood and headed out the door and waved to James.

"Wait, where are we going?"

"For a ride. Or do you want to be here when everyone else comes in?"

He shot off the bed and followed Logan to the red convertible car that was parked outside. Even though all the other guys could drive, everyone felt most comfortable with Logan behind the wheel.

He started the car and the lyrics to Boyfriend started blaring on the radio. They both laughed, no one was really used to hearing their voices on the radio just yet and it still felt like a shock.

It didn't feel like they were big pop stars but they were shinning none the less. Heading down the highway in silence, James decided to speak up first.

"Carlos found me on the floor the other night and I didn't want anyone to know. I've been sick lately. Abdominal pains, fatigue-"

"And random mood swings I know. I've been looking up the symptoms and it isn't really normal but it could be a number of things. That's why we're going to the hospital and don't you try and protest it."

James kept his mouth shut as they drove up to LA Medical. It took them nearly an hour to be admitted to see someone and another thirty minutes before a doctor came but eventually James the doctor.

His name was Dr. Buchanan, a man in his middle thirties with jet black hair that was peppered with grey. He was built for a doctor, as James pointed out and Logan quickly quieted him.

The man had been nice through all the procedures and came back after twenty minutes of running tests.

"Well, Mr. Maslow I would like you to know that the results came back and it isn't as severe as we first thought. If you would have waited about a week later, things might have turned out worse."

"Can you just tell me what's wrong already?"

"Ever impatient I see, James do you by chance use any steroids?"

He could feel his face grow warm as he looked at the ground and answered the question.

"Yea I do, what's this have to do with anything?"

"Mr. Maslow, your liver was near the edge of failing which explains the pains you've been having. The amount at which you were taking them may also cause changes in your psyche, producing a stearoid rage."

"Now you're a growing teen and you're body is producing enough of its own testosterone. Adding anything to that will have severe consequences as you can see. I suggest that you stop taking them and in a week you should see things going back to normal."

They left the hospital in complete silence, Logan's face clearly confused and disgruntled. James started to say something but each time his words fell short. Yet, he felt like he should say something in order to smooth over the situation.

"Logan, I can explain…"

"Why would you do something like this James? You know your health means so much to us, not just for the band but because we care so much about you."

"Yea but-"

"Did you even hear the doctor? One more week and your liver could have failed. Then what? It isn't going to matter how you look if you die James."

"What do you want me to say Logan? That I have fucking low self esteem? That I try so hard to look nice that I need a little extra help?"

"But why James?"

"Because I'm gay okay? And all I want to do is impress Kendall; I just want him to notice me. So maybe one day he won't be with that blonde slut and he'll be with me instead.

I've wanted to be his for so long now and I know he doesn't want me back. So I do stupid shit so he'll give me a minute of his attention."

The sentence was hurried; James tried to push the words out before he choked. He had no idea how Logan would have reacted but he couldn't take it back now.

The car returned to its previous state of silence. This time Logan was the first one to speak.

"James, I..I had no idea. Why didn't you tell anyone sooner?"

"Dude, we're in a successful pop band. Besides, we're best friends. Do you know how that would just mess up everything?"

"But you've got to know that we would all love you no matter what though. We aren't just friends, we're brothers and if you like guys then it doesn't change anything. Even if you like Kendall."

Logan stopped the car in front of 2J and wrapped his arms around his friend. James returned the hug and pressed himself closer to the younger boy.

"James, you don't have to handle this on your own. We love you and we'll help you get through everything. But you should go apologize to Carlos okay? I'll be out here if you need me."

As they sat in the delicate embrace of the night, James almost believed everything would be okay. Maybe being gay wouldn't be that hard. Liking Kendall could be managed too with time. He could feel part of his burden lifting away.

After a while James made his way back inside the house. Carlos was playing a mindless video game while Kendall sat at the bar working on homework.

"Is there enough room for another player?"

"Yea, if you don't try and fucking kill me again."

"Carlos, I'm sorry I really am. I know I acted like a jerk but I wasn't myself. Can you forgive me?"

"I already did." He said with a smile.

At this point Kendall looked up.

"We were wondering what had you so strung out so we snooped a little bit after Carlos told me that you were having weird pains. Found your steroids."

"And after rehearsal, Kendall figured Logan should take you to the doctor and me and Logan both agreed. Just don't hulk out on me again though."

James was shocked at how smooth the conversation had gone. But that was how most things went with them, mad one moment and perfectly okay the next.

He sat down next to Carlos and picked up a controller and started playing. Maybe he should have been upset that they went through his things or that they had all planned the doctor visit.

Yet, he wasn't surprised that Kendall had led the whole thing and come up with the plan. His heart beat a bit faster and James could feel color under his cheeks.

The dirty blonde had thought of him. And that was enough to get him through the day.

I decided that the first chapter wasn't long enough and it kind of confused things so I put the first and second one together. I think the story makes more sense this way.

You know with every cruel word that you utter

That you bury yourself even deeper every day

Oh, little boy there's enough love in this circle

You can shackle yourself or be free from this pain