"Oh, son of a bitch." Dean said, walking to his favorite seat. But this time, he noticed, it's taken. Great.
Apparently, the boy sat at the little library cubicle heard him because he quickly looked up from, what is presumably, his geometry homework and gives him a quizzical look. "Can I help you?"
"Oh," he replies. "It's nothing. It's just that I usually here."
"That can't be."
"Why not?"
"Because I always sit here."
"Well, I've never seen you around." Dean concludes.
"I'm sure you can just go sit with your friends." He offers.
"I'm new here."
"So?"
"So, I don't have any friends."
"Your girlfriend, then."
"No girlfriend," they mutually pause. "What did you say your name was?"
"I didn't," he replies.
"Then what is it?"
"Castiel. And yours?"
"Dean."
"So you're Dean!" Castiel exclaims. "I heard some girls talking about you earlier. Based on what they were saying, I don't think you'll be having any trouble in the girlfriend department."
A librarian shushes them.
"Yeah, girls aren't really my cup of tea." Dean says. "Or, at least, I think." He adds.
"Is that right?" Castiel said incredulously.
"Yeah. Why?" Dean defends.
"You don't seem much like the type." He says at full-volume.
"To drink tea?"
"To be gay."
"Dude!" Dean chastises, voice squeaking. "I haven't, like, you know... well."
"You haven't had sex with a man?"
"No!" He interjects. "Well, I haven't, but that's not what I'm... well... I'd like to just take it one step at a time, please."
"Have you kissed a man?"
"No."
"Have you even come out?"
"Not really."
"Well, who have you told?" Castiel asks.
"You."
"Why am I the first person to know?"
"I guess I just need somebody to tell me whether it's okay or not."
"It's perfectly okay."
"And what makes you an expert?"
"Probably all the kisses I've had with men."
Dean's eyes open wide and the librarian kicks them out.
…
"So, you too then?" Dean asks as they walk around their school's somewhat spacious campus.
"Me 'too', what?"
"The whole... being gay thing."
"You make it sound like a disease." Castiel laughs.
"Is it not?"
"Of course not. There've been studies done to show it's genetic." He pauses. "It's like your green eyes. It's nothing you can control. Not really, anyways. You can wear colored contacts, but they're fake, uncomfortable, and it just feels wrong when you're wearing them. It's not a disease, it's like a predetermined color. Ours just so happen to be rainbow."
"So- uh- how did you know you were gay?" Dean asks. "If you don't mind me asking." He quickly adds.
"I figure it's the same as knowing you're straight, but with more of a stigma. I always knew, really. It's not like I feel some kind of repulsion toward female genitalia, like they say in the movies. It's just void of any meaning. There's only an emotional connection with men. I could be with women, I suppose, it'd just make for a very sad version of me. I could see myself sleeping with a woman much easier than I could see myself falling in love with one. With men, it's easy to see both. I'm lucky to be able to fall in love at all. I'm not going to be picky with gender preferences."
Dean stops their exchange for a moment.
"Would you go on a date with me?" Dean spits out.
"What?"
"What?" Dean repeats, embarrassed.
"Did you just ask to go on a date with me?" Castiel looks beyond shocked.
"Maybe."
"Why?" Castiel asks. "Why would you want to go on a date with me?"
"Because you're cute, and funny, and-"
"And this is an experiment."
"I never said that."
"Please correct me if I'm wrong."
Dean says nothing.
"Fine, whatever. Sure."
"What?" He asks, genuinely.
"I'll go on a date with you. I don't care."
"Can I pick you up at eight tonight?"
"Tonight?" He clarifies.
"Does that not work for you?" Dean asks, worriedly.
"No, that's fine."
"Okay. Here, give me your hand."
"Why?"
"I'm just gonna write my number down. Text me your address."
The pen felt strange on his palm.
"So, I guess I'll see you tonight, uh- Cas."
"Cas?" He wondered aloud.
"Hey, we're going on a date. Might as well get acquainted, right?"
"Right." he sounds disappointed.
Dean walks to his car, he doesn't know why he didn't just go home earlier.
…
Dean has gone on his fair share of dates before. Only problem is, all of those dates have been with girls. Same with the sex. The apathetic, boring sex. He supposes that's how he knew he was gay. It felt good in the moment, sure, but he was always left feeling empty, and used. Every time, he'd have sex , when he felt bad afterwards, he'd simply fill the space with more sex. He was left feeling meaningless, just as Cas had said, and he fully understood the other boy's reasoning.
He didn't understand how to act. He didn't know what to wear, what they should do, where they should go. Would it be like hanging out with a guy, or should he treat Cas the same way he'd treat a girl? The clothes, he quickly decided, would be best casually formal. Now, that would be all well and good if he actually knew what that meant. He quickly put on a button-down shirt reserved for the few weddings he'd gone to in his lifetime. But that was too nice, he decided. To compensate, he slipped on a pair of sweatpants he'd often wear while watching the game and eating pizza. They looked weird together, but hey, no one could say it wasn't casually formal.
He grabbed some money and drove to the destination Cas had texted to him.
...
Cas is anxiously waiting on the stoop of his small porch wearing freshly-ironed khakis and a stained blue tee-shirt. They inspect each other's appearance and Dean laughs, Cas smiles a bit and continues to look terrified, he rushes into the car.
"Hey, Cas."
"Hello, Dean."
…
They see a movie, a quintessential action flick. Dean fought the instinct to see a romantic comedy, figuring that it would be a stint on both of their manhoods. They pretty much kept to themselves throughout the movie, Dean felt too uncomfortable to start anything, and Cas was visibly holding back. Why: Dean wasn't exactly sure.
With little-to-no coaxing necessary, Dean drove Cas back to his own house, parked the Impala in the driveway, and brought him to his bedroom. No one in Dean's family seemed to care.
Dean quickly flicked on the light switch and sat down on his bed. The feel of the comforter was a welcomed familiarity in the new situation. Cas looked unsure of what to do next.
"You can- you can sit down if you'd like." Dean stutters, patting the side of the bed.
He sits without thinking.
"Cas, are you-" He's cut off with lips on his.
Dean's eyes remain open, he struggles to focus them on something. His hands stay cemented by his sides, his lips too shocked to press back.
Finally, he closes his eyes and he begins to feel more comfortable.
Cas abruptly stops. "No, that's not how you do it. I'm not a girl."
"I know."
"You can be rougher. It's a give-and-take. I can handle it, just do it." He says, face inching closer to Dean's.
Dean pushes his lips harder to Cas' and moans.
"Come on. I can take it." Cas says against Dean's lips.
Dean begins to nibble on Cas' bottom lip, and Cas laughs bitterly, deepening the kiss.
Their tongues move together in a way that Dean's not used to. It's too much, too fast. It's not unpleasant, it's just a foreign slide that he doesn't understand. He pulls away, and Cas' hand moves from his neck to the small of his back, resting on the waistband of his sweatpants and beginning to venture downwards.
"Woah there, buddy." Dean says, non-intimidatingly. He takes Cas' resting hand with his own and movies it to the side of the mattress.
"What? What did I do wrong?" Cas asks, eyes widening.
"No, nothing. It's just- you're going a little fast."
"'A little fast'? Oh, what the fuck?" Cas says, not violently so, simply frustrated. He pulls his hand back and stands up.
"Cas? Are you okay?"
"No! No, I'm not okay!"
"What's wrong?"
"I thought- I thought I was doing this right."
"Haven't you done this before?" Dean asks, carefully.
"No."
"What?"
"No, I've never done this before! I've never been on a date, I've never kissed someone, no one but you even knows that I'm gay! I thought that this was how it worked. Go on a date, kiss, fuck. Where did I go wrong?"
"It's not that simple, Cas."
"Clearly it's not, or else maybe someone would have wanted to have sex with me by now! But no, no one ever has. I'm completely alone, Dean! And I thought, maybe, just maybe, that you were interested. Obviously that was just wishful thinking. What, am I just that unappealing? Am I that gross that no one could ever be interested? No, I'm fucking sick of it. Apparently I was too stupid to see that you're just a confused little boy. You can't just take advantage of people like that!" He walks toward the door. "I'm going to go."
"Cas, wait!"
"What do you want?!"
"You know what? You're just taking advantage of me too!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"The only reason you went on this date with me, the only reason you kissed me, is so that you could feel attractive. And if you think that the only way to know you're attractive is for people to have sex with you, then you're wrong. You want to know if you're attractive? I'll tell you. I'll tell you over and over again until you get it into your thick skull. You're gorgeous, Cas! You are attractive. I don't care what anyone else has made you think, or made you feel, but trust me now. Clearly, we've both hurt each other tonight. Clearly, we've both lied to each other for one reason or another, but this... this is nothing if not pure, unadulterated honesty. You are appealing, and I am interested. But not like this. If this is what it's gonna be like, then this is a bad idea for both of us. You said that you knew you were interested in men because you could see yourself falling in love with one, but that's not going to happen if this is how you treat you relationships. Cas, I'd like to give this a chance, confused little boy and all. I am fascinated by you. By all of you. By the confident person I saw earlier today, and especially by the person I see now. I want to get to know all of you, and if sex comes later, so be it. I'm interested, Cas, I'm so interested that I want more than just this."
Cas stepped forward and closed the gap between them. What Dean expected to be a kiss was instead a tight embrace, his arms around Cas' neck, and Cas' head nuzzling into his shoulder. He felt the boy in his arms begin to shake, crying.
"I'm so sorry, Dean. I'm so, so sorry."
"Shh," he started. "Don't apologize. You don't have to apologize."
"But I do. I have so many reasons that I have to. None of this was fair. Not to you, and not to me. I took your first kiss with a man, and my first kiss with... with anyone, and I made it pointless. I'd never kissed anyone before. I'm sorry."
"Oh, Cas." Dean put a hand on the back of Cas' head, and began to play with his hair. "It's gonna be okay. You're going to be okay."
"I'm so sorry."
They paused, Cas violently shaking, and Dean holding him close.
"You said no one had ever kissed you before, right?" Dean asks.
"Yes." Cas wiped his tears on Dean's shirt.
"Well I think that's an injustice." Dean says. "I simply must see to it that, that is fixed. And that leads me to ask the following question: May I be the first to kiss you properly? Not like before. Like you deserve to be kissed."
"And how is that?" Cas asks, moving his forehead to touch Dean's.
"I'd love to demonstrate." He says, looking to Cas' lips. "May I?"
"Is this a do-over?" Cas whispers into the heavy air.
"Only if you want it to be."
"Please." Their noses bumped, and their mouths hovered just above each other's. "Please." He repeats.
Dean slowly moves his lips to Cas', pressing so lightly that it's almost intangible. Their earlier embrace holds, Dean's hand playing in his hair, Cas' arms around Dean's waist. Cas holds on harder, trying to ground himself. He whimpers. Cas' tongue attempts to separate Dean's, but to no avail. Before Cas can feel rejected, Dean's hand tightens on Cas' neck, not painfully so, simply holding him steady and comfortable. Telling him that he wasn't leaving. Dean presses his lips harder to Cas', and more tears threaten to escape from his closed eyes.
Dean pulls away, sighing as he does so. Cas' eyes open, and immediately release two tears. Dean watches a bit of their downward trajectory before stopping each of them with his lips, first the left side, then the right. He kisses both of his cheeks over and over, before moving back to his lips, now holding Cas' head in his hands, delicately.
Dean laughed and pressed their lips back together.
Cas smiles.
They're just two scared teenagers who, together, have all the fearlessness they need.
They both fall and lay in the bed together. Sleep catches them almost immediately, their bodies inseparably intwined in each other.