FORGIVEN
Time passed without him being aware of it. One moment Severus had been sweating in the scorching midday sun and the next night had fallen and it had grown cool. Time meant nothing to him now – he couldn't care less about being caught out of his dormitory after hours. What did stupid, childish things such as detentions and house points matter now? He had lost her. He had lost the girl he loved and it was all his fault. One word, one damned slip of the tongue and he had destroyed everything. Mudblood. Once upon a time the word had sounded clever to him. It had been empowering and with it, it had been all too easy to impress his fellow Slytherins. Now, too late, he realized how pathetic it was, and he couldn't bear the accursed sound.
Trees waved in the breeze. A bird swooped across the surface of the lake before disappearing again. Somewhere, an owl hooted. Severus buried his face into his arms and let out a wrenched sob. It took all of his effort not to burst into tears once again; his eyes were already red and sore. For the past 3 years he had been completely stoical, refusing to shed a tear, ever since that day when Dumbledore had told him that his mother was dead. Now he felt that he would never stop. The memories of that night were still overpowering, but he couldn't even remember his grief being even half as intense as this. It felt like it would kill him.
What was wrong with him? Severus longed to be normal. To have friends and to be happy. Not to be bullied and hated by everyone. Was that really so much to ask? And now Lily, his precious Lily, the only thing which made his life bearable was gone...
'Severus?' The voice came to him as if from a dream. He looked up from his arms and across the lake, not daring to turn around, should he find that he was actually still alone. 'Are you alright?'
Slowly, dreamlike, he twisted around. 'Lily,' He said breathlessly, throat constricting as he spoke. She looked like an angel garbed in a school uniform. Her hair fell lustrous around her shoulders and her emerald eyes glinted in her wand light. She was smiling slightly. When she was two feet away from where he sat she paused. 'What-'
'I had to see you.' Her voice. Severus didn't think that anything could sound nearly as sweet. The thought of never hearing it again was sickening.
As he watched she closed the distance and sat down beside him, stretching her legs out on the grass. 'I can't stop thinking about yesterday.' Although he gazed attentively at her, Lily reserved her stare for the lake as she spoke. 'Mary said that i should forget you. She doesn't think you're good enough for me." There was no emotion in her voice, leaving him only able to guess at what she thought of Mary's sentiments.
'I'm not,' said Severus quickly. He wanted nothing more than to hold her. 'I'm no one. You're-' He stopped, feeling heat rush to his cheeks, and looked down at his lap.
'Why do you always put yourself down?' Now she looked at him, their positions reversed. 'You're talented. You're intelligent.' Even now, after everything that had happened, she was still being kind to him.
'I'm stupid." He muttered. He was glad that his hair had swung forward to hide his face. The darkness should disguise his glowing cheeks, but he preferred the extra screen from her gaze.
'No,' Lily insisted firmly and placed a friendly hand on his leg, caused Severus to shiver slightly at the touch. 'You're the best in the year at potions and defence against the dark arts.'
'So? If i was really so clever then how could i have thought that they were right?'
'Who?' she asked, confused.
'Mulciber. Avery. I was stupid enough to believe what they said about you."
There was a heavy pause, and then lily said 'And what did they say?'
'That you were scum. That you're a-' He choked on the hated word, unable to say it again. He didn't need to, Lily had sensed his meaning.
'And-' the hope in her voice was evident. 'You don't believe it?'
'No!' He exclaimed, head snapping round to look at her in earnest. 'How can i? You're kind, you're clever,' and then he quietly added 'You're beautiful.'
'How can i trust you? The lot of you, you can't wait to join You-Know-Who.'
'No!' Yes. He had. He had wanted it more than anything. The respect, the wealth, the power. All of his dreams had been focused around taking the mark and joining the dark lord. Was he prepared to give it all up? 'I don't want them. I don't care about Avery and Mulciber. I don't care about You-Know-Who!'
'Really?' The pressure of her hand on his leg increased, as Lily moved towards him, eyes now shining.
'Yes. I care about you. That's all.' His heart was pounding frantically but he knew that he was doing the right thing. She was all the mattered. Her smile. 'Look, i won't hang about with them anymore, not if you don't want me to.'
'You'd do that for me?'
Do it. Just do it! Severus grabbed the hand that rested on his leg and held it in both of his; hardly believing that he was daring to do it. 'I'd die for you.'
Her laugh was melodic and she tilted her head back, showing the curve of her neck, 'You never cease to surprise me.'
'Lily...' Severus swallowed, and stared into her eyes solemnly. 'Lily, I'm-'
'I know, Sev.' Lily smiled and placed her free hand on his. 'I forgive you.'