Historical Note: This is a departure for me, as it is based in the Marvel Comics universe. Believe it or not, The Spanker was an actual Marvel character, although I believe he only appeared in one issue (Howard the Duck Treasury Edition 1976). I've embellished his origin a bit, and given him kind of super powers, but otherwise this is the character.
Weird hey? The work of the phenomenal Steve Gerber RIP.
Anyway, this is written largely for comedic effect; the lack of any jokes is purely because I don't write comedy well.
Oh, and I think it's a three part story.
The Saga of the Spanker
Part One : The coming of the Spanker
I am the Watcher; I come from a species that watches over the Universe, and its many races. We compile the knowledge of the ages.
We do not interfere; we merely watch.
I have my post on the dead satellite that orbits the third planet of the star known as Sol. The inhabitants below call if the Moon.
My name is Uatu.
But this is not my story; it cannot be, as I only watch.
This is the story of a strange individual (and the Earth has many of these; one country, for instance, managed to elect the halfwit son of a previous leader, twice, although the first time he wasn't really elected, although that is another story entirely) who called himself The Spanker.
This is the story of how he came to be, his brief but unforgettable career, and his inevitable downfall. It is a story that took place in a strange decade known as the 1970's, a time of awful fashions, poor comic books and both tortuous and terrific music.
I will tell you the story in the Spanker's own words, and it starts like this:-
I came from a family of educators; I attended the private prep school at which my father taught, and his ideas of student discipline were beaten into me from an early age.
After leaving school I attended a decent college, and completed my teacher training. For 4 years I taught at an exclusive girl's prep school, and when most of the staff were removed and then jailed as the result of a white slave trading ring being exposed, I was unexpectedly appointed principal.
This was a shock to me as I was not popular amongst either the remaining staff or the pupils. I was, in those days, a timid man, given to private pursuits. Away from class I was most happy quietly watching birds, and I never went anywhere without my binoculars. I had purchased a special belt, with slots for my lenses, a pouch of bird food and a twitcher's notebook.
The day that I moved into the Principal's office was the day that changed my life. Well, I suppose it's true to say that the night changed my life rather more.
I had only been seated in my office, behind my really impressive oak desk, for several minutes when my intercom buzzed. At first I didn't realise what it was, and actually I ignored it.
The horrid noise persisted, and I noticed a flashing light on the silver box on my desk. I pushed the button below it, and my secretary's voice issued forth. She was an intimidating woman in her later forties; she wore horn-rimmed glasses on the end of her nose, and dressed in the most severe of tweed suits.
"Principal Riddick, I have a student for you. A Miss Gates."
I leaned into the intercom. "Why is she here?"
Miss Davies' voice became confidential; it also took on an almost salacious quality.
"She's been referred for punishment, Principal. She was caught smoking on school grounds, and was abusive when confronted."
"Oh, I see. And what would the usual punishment be?"
"She should be paddled, Principal. Should I get the punishment book for you? I keep it in my desk."
"I don't think that will be necessary. Send her in; I'll speak with her."
Miss Davies became insistent.
"But Principal DeBurke always paddled students for smoking. It is in the rules."
"Still, I'm sure we can find a more appropriate punishment. Send her in; I'll have a chat with her."
It was not that I had a problem with corporal punishment, as such. My father had been a big supporter of it, and I had witnessed at first hand the zeal with which he employed it. I just couldn't see myself ordering a nearly adult girl to bend over, while I smacked her bottom!
It was beyond me.
Without further comment from Miss Davies the door to my office swung open, and through it strode Miss Gates.
She was the type of student I hated most; a confident young woman. She wore a letter pullover, with a short red skirt, and red ankle booties. As she entered she tossed her long blond hair, and frankly leered at me, with a huge smile on her face.
"So, Riddick, you got dumped with this job. And your cronies caught me. Let me guess. Over the desk for 5 with the paddle, eh? Shall I lie here?" She indicated the edge of my desk, and swept some papers that lay there onto the floor.
Under pressure I stammer; I had managed not be intimidated by Miss Davies on the intercom but this brassy youngster was far too much in person.
"N N N N N No. That's o o o okay."
"D D D Don't sweat it." She cruelly mimicked. If ever a student needed a paddling it was this one. I just couldn't do it.
"S s s s shall we just s s s say you made a mistake this time? Y y y y you won't d d d do it again."
"Hey baby, if that's okay with you its fine by me. See ya around, dickless." With which she retraced her steps from the office, leaving me impotent in her wake.
By the end of the day word of my feeble approach to student discipline had already made its way around campus, and as I left for my rooms I was accosted by several girls who made lewd suggestions to me.
I slunk past them, and headed for the peace of my bed.
Sleep however eluded me; I lay in bed, tossing and turning, disgusted with my weakness. I imagined my father spinning in his grave. That was the high point of my evening, and I very nearly got out of bed to telephone him for advice, although I knew his contempt would be withering.
It was the early hours of the morning before I finally fell into a disturbed sleep; in it, I seemed to sink deep and heavy into the darkest dream. It was like a bottomless chasm, and I screamed and screamed, but received no assistance.
Suddenly there was light; I found myself in a great hall, with finely shined marble tiles underfoot. Something drew me to walk its length, and I passed through a garden of statues. Each statue was of a stern figure apparently about to punish some miscreant; they all flourished switches, canes, birches, slippers and paddles.
It was a monument to the Gods of school discipline.
I passed through this temple, and continued down this terrible hall; it was like the longest walk to the principal's office ever. As I walked I actually felt my buttocks begin to tense, as though I were to be beaten.
After an eternity of increasingly fearful walking I saw, in the distance, a throne. I continued my epic quest to reach it, forced on by the unspoken belief that to fail would incur the worst paddling ever!
Finally I arrived at my goal. In front of me was an ordinary straight backed chair, and in it sat a quite unassuming figure, arms crossed, and on his lap a large wooden paddle.
"I" the figure intoned, in a voice like thunder at dawn "am the God of Spankers everywhere. I watch over those who have nobly taken it upon themselves to correct the wrongs of their fellows." His voice dropped to almost a whisper "I also protect those perverted bastards who just like spanking bare butts. Hey. It's a job."
"You have become before me because you are a failure. By rights I should take down your trousers" and here I noticed that I was wearing my work suit rather than the pyjamas I slept in "and paddle you soundly.
"However, you have caught me on a good day. And I have heard the prayers of your father, one of my finest acolytes, that you might find the strength to punish others.
"So what I'll do is this; henceforth any female creature that you instruct to bend over, or to place herself over you knee, will obey you. Doesn't matter who they are. And further, when you've finished paddling them, they will be incapable of doing anything for 10 minutes, other than holding and rubbing their rear.
"One last thing; this will make you my avatar on Earth. To ensure that you never fail in your duty I will imbue you with the confidence to face any woman. Never again will we have a repeat of today's disgraceful events. You will employ your natural desire to beat a woman's butt, and you will punish all who stray from the path of righteousness." His voice had risen to a mighty crescendo, and he had grown red in the face.
I felt my newly acquired confidence flow through me, like the water from a burst dam.
"Hey boss, you know you're shouting, don't you? I'm only down here."
"Oh, damnit it. Can't help the shouting. I get worked up."
"Sure do. My ears ache. Anyway, so now I'm your rep on Earth. You want me to go forth and spank, yeah?"
"I do. One word of caution; your confidence will be great, but only women will fall to your powers. You work in a girl's school; that should work out nicely."
From nowhere a tornado arose, catching me up in its twisty tale, and carrying me up, up up, to ascend to my bed, where I slept, entwined with the sheets. In my hand I clutched an ornately carved wooden paddle, a parting gift from the God of Spankers.