A lot of time has passed since my parents died and what can I say...I'm still not okay. Part of me beliefs that I'll never be okay again. People around me expect me to get a grip on myself again...for god's sake my parents are dead! I know I'm not the only one who lost her parents my older sister did too and so did my twin brother but one was pretending that she was okay and the other one becoming a stoner, I don't think that they are copying that well too. Sometimes I played with the thought of just following into Jer's footsteps and just numbing the pain.
But I'm not sure if I could handle Elena's temper. Though I'm sure that I couldn't handle her being angry with me...i nearly lost her too...
Imagine that, me and Jer being the only once that were left behind. A depressed teen girl and a stoner teen boy as her brother. Sounds like fun right?...
Today we have to go back to school. I don't feel ready for it. I hope that the majority of them forgot about what happened to me and my siblings. I hope that I can pretend to start over again.
It's the only way I guess...
I shut my diary close and let out a deep sigh. Elena was right, it helps to write into it...
I buried it into the depths of my school bag and stood up off the ground.
IT became something like a routine for me. Wake up, get ready and go to the cemetery to visit my parents and sit down and write. It was strange I know but...it feels like I would miss out something.
I felt like I had to be there the whole day...to be with them. I just missed them so much. I dusted my pants off and started to walk into the direction of the school. Normally I would get a drive with Tyler Lockwood, we were about to become a thing but since my parents died I distanced myself from him. Today must have been a bummer for him too since I told him that I would get there myself. Though I just wanted to visit my parents once again.
I walked down the street and with every step my heart felt heavier. Maybe I should just stop coming and really get a grip on myself, because it pained me all the time leaving them here in this godforsaken place.
When I finally reached the school I saw Bonnie's car outside already. Bonnie was the best friend of my sister Elena and her ride to school for today.
I rushed inside feeling relieved upon the students outside of their classrooms. I was really taking my time back there. I thought that I was late the first day already.
I walked down the corridor ignoring the faces that turned towards me. Maybe I was just imagining it, making it worse...that would mean that I went official crazy.
"Hey, Willa!" I heard suddenly someone calling out to me. I turned around seeing none other than Tyler jogging up to me.
Without waiting for a response he embraced me in a hug: "Hey." He said once more sounding more soothing now.
"Nice to see you." He said as he parted.
"Yeah...listen I'm sorry that I..." Before I could even apologize for avoiding him in the past months he interrupted me.
"No, don't, it's alright. You're back. So, what do you think? Maybe we could hang out again and get you onto other thoughts or something..."
He was nervous. I actually never saw him this nervous. He was fidgeting with his hands, which he nearly never did.
I couldn't help myself but to giggle which made him even more uncomfortable: "Yeah sure. Distraction is good I guess..."
He sighed out in relief and a huge grin spread all over his face: "Awesome! How about the grill? You in? Today?"
Normally I would avoid the Grill. Too many people that were all too happy. Grinning and laughing and expecting you to do the same. It was hard for me to do so, knowing that my parents were deep down under the earth, buried...
But he was right. I should distract myself. I should go out again and start to laugh again even though it was hard. And...hey it's Tyler. He always brought a smile onto my face.
"Sounds good." I told him with a grin and his grin spread even wider, if that was even possible.
"Great, I'll get you alright?"
I nodded again suddenly feeling like it was a bad idea. Maybe it was too early...
what if I'll ruin it? What if I'll stand there and do absolutely nothing and ruin it for everyone else because I'm too boring or getting the others depressed with my depression?
I grinned anyways, trying to hide my concerns which actually worked as he leaned in and gave me a quick kiss onto my cheek and jogged off to his best friend Matt. Matt was Elena's boyfriend...no scratch that, he was her ex. This is how Tyler and I met.
I turned around seeing beside my locker a grinning Bonnie with a grinning Elena beside her: "What?"
I asked them annoyed.
"You and Taylor...will you two ever get together? I mean like really together?" Bonnie asked with a mocking undertone. I knew what she meant. It wasn't that Taylor and I didn't had occasions in which we discussed it. He asked me many times if I would become his girlfriend, but I chickened out. Why can't it be like this? Why do we have to have this bonding shit, so everyone could know that we two are a thing. Why does it have to be so damn real? It's just...it's perfect how it is now...
"Well, he asked me many times but...it's just so...the thought of a relationship...it's so.." Elena finished my sentence since I couldn't find the words to describe it.
"Willa has a problem with commitment..."
I interrupted her with a gasp: "No, Elena!" She chuckled along with Bonnie.
"But seriously Willa, maybe you do. You still remember our two Barbies we had? You could never decide which of them you'll take and we had to switch them like every week."
"Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that Barbies and relationships are something different."
Bonnie laughed at us as she continued to observe.
"Hey guys, what's so funny?" My best friend suddenly joined us. Jade was my childhood friend. Even though Elena grew up with her as well, she never had such a bond towards Jade as she had towards Bonnie. Jeremy as my twin however saw Jade as a best friend too. I guess it's the age difference which usually is never an issue.
"They say that I have commitment issues." I told her.
"Well, you do." This made Bonnie and Elena laugh even more.
"No, I don't! It's just something totally different being in a relationship. I want to be 100% sure and that's everything."
"Willa, you and Tyler are since...forever something in the middle. He is still putting up with your shit. If he's not 100% worth it than no one is."
Elena answered...and she was right. Maybe...i should just give it a try? I'll not marry him anyway, it's just a relationship no big deal right? Just us, kissing in public and holding hands and hugging and touchy touchy...uuugh!
"I think about it." I wanted this conversation to end and this was the best way to do so.
Elena only rolled her eyes with a grin as if she was saying 'Typical Willa getting out of her awkward situation' while the other two were giggling along.
"Hi Girls!" an annoying voice approached us. None other than Caroline Forbes, the sheriffs daughter.
"Oh my god Willa, Elena! How are you guys? It's so good to see you."
Yeah of course she was the one to ask us. What to answer...like hey, yeah our parents died so we are depressed and we would like to go home to cry and communicate with no one?
"Thanks, Caroline, We're fine." Elena answered as if she were on rehearsal. I guess she got used to saying the same thing over and over again just like I did.
Caroline patted my shoulder showing that she indeed cared but in her own Caroline way.
Elena however tried to look busy with her locker which was beside mine.
"Have you seen Matt yet?" She asked Elena. Yeah give it to Caroline to make the situation even more awkward than it already was.
"They broke up, Caroline." Bonnie answered for Elena, seeing as Elena only was able to shake her head.
Elena gave me small glance telling me how annoyed she was with Caroline already.
"I know that. But they can still talk." Caroline answered with a slight edge to it. I can imagine that she felt offended that Bonnie thought her being so heartless.
"He was at his Dad's all summer." Elena answered as if she was ashamed. Well, Matt probably was at his Dad's because of the break up I guess.
"So what's the status? Friends, cordial, awkward at best?" Caroline continued to ask.
For getting it more awkward Matt came waltzing around the corner.
Matt was the typical handsome jock. He was well build, had blue eyes with blond hair, was even-tempered and held something gentle in his eyes. I liked him. He was always like a big brother to me. (Beside Jeremy of course)
"Hey guys..." He greeted us while his eyes went straight to Elena. She gave him a smile trying to show him that she still wanted to be on good terms with him.
"Hi, Matt." She tried to sound confident in greeting him but...it sounded more awkward than intended I guess.
"Good to see you. Later." He said in one breath and walked off.
"In case you missed it...you two are awkward at best." Caroline answered and she was right. This was one of the reasons I was scared of a relationship with Tyler. I couldn't handle such situations with him, besides that...he would react completely different than Matt. Matt was too nice to act out or be angry but Tyler...Tyler had a temper. I still remember when he acted out because a drunk guy tried to get into my pants, even though I could have handled it. I just had to walk away because that dude was so drunk, he couldn't have followed me. I was about to get away when Tyler came and broke in one swift move the nose of this drunk dude. The thing was...he wanted to hurt him more. Thanks god he listened to me and we walked off. The party was ruined though...
"Guys, I'm off to the toilette." I announced. Classes would start soon and I hated to ask in the middle of a class. It pulled the attention of the whole class towards me making me nervous because I know that I will trip or do something stupid.
"You want me to come too?" Jade asked and I flashed her a smirk.
"Yeah sure, in case I find the chamber and get attacked by a giant snake..."
The girls laughed it off and I went alone off.
To be honest...I needed to get away for a second. I loved our friends but currently, they were suffocating me. It's like they expected me and Elena to be all normal again. The more I thought about Tyler the more I thought that it was a bad idea to go to the grill with him.
The bad thing was that I couldn't ditch him any longer. I liked him and even though I was afraid to become his girlfriend, I felt like I should just fall into it and give him a chance at least.
Maybe it's what I needed now. Maybe I just needed to have a new life and not fall back into my old life.
I washed my hands and looked into the mirror for a second to see if I smutched the mascara somewhere but everything was still acceptable (Considering I never truly wore make up). I dried my hands off and walked out of the toilets but found myself bumping into someone making my school back drop and all the things scatter onto the floor.
"Shit!" I swore and got down to gather the things together, hastily putting it back into my bag. The person in which I bumped into knelt down as well helping me.
"It's okay, you don't have to help, I'm sorry..."
"It's the least I can do. It was my fault." It was a dudes voice and I looked up for the first time to see in whom I bumped into. It was a freaking handsome dude. He had golden-brown hair, styled up giving him a rebellious look. His eyes were green brown as he held a shy smile: "I'm Stefan." He held out the few things he gathered.
I took them slowly with a shy smile: "I'm Willa." We stood up and looked at each other. It was kind of awkward considering that I was a rather shy girl (around boys). It took Tyler decades to get this shyness out of me (around him at least).
"You're new, right?" I asked him trying to break the awkwardness.
"Yeah, busted. New and lost. I can't find the Administration Office." He chuckled a bit making me grin.
"Come on then, new guy. I'll get you there."
"Only if you don't have something else to do. I don't want to bother you." He was way too sweet!
I had to prevent myself from laughing out loud and chuckled instead: "Nonsense. I wouldn't have offered it in the first place if I didn't had time."
I turned around and started to lead the way: "So, what brought you here?"
He glanced towards me with a smile before he answered: "Long story to be honest..."
"isn't it always." I told him with a knowing smile.
He nodded with an amused smile: "Keeping it mysterious." He said while he chuckled and I chuckled along.
"New guy and mysterious...congrats you're about to become homecoming king."
We chuckled a bit again before I came to an halt right before the office while he nearly walked off. A bit confused he turned around and looked at me...didn't he see the sign above the open door?
"The Office." I told him with a grin while pointing over the door to the shield that hung above it.
He soon realized his error and chuckled again: "Yeah, sorry. So? See you later probably?"
I mustered him a bit. Maybe I would see him but not in class. He looked much older than 15...
"Maybe. Not in classes though I guess..."
"Why's that? We surely will have some together?"
"No offense but you look like my sisters age, 17? you'd probably be in her class."
He sunk his head in an amused way: "Bummer I thought I'll be having at least one friend in class." I patted his arm a bit: "Don't worry, my sister is a nice person. You'll befriend her for sure."
He nodded understandingly: "Well, till later I guess..."
"Yeah, later." And with that he walked into the office right before Elena, Bonnie and Caroline made their way towards me.
"don't tell me you already got to know him Wills?" Caroline asked me while pulling me towards her. Their stared at Stefan's back dreamily as he talked to the secretary.
"Well, he got lost and asked me to show him the way." Bonnie mockingly started to smirk: "Yeah, that's like the best cliche ever...show me the way..."
I just ignored it.
"I can only see his back." Bonnie continued.
"It's a hot back." typical Caroline went along with it.
"His name is Stefan." I finally announced seeing them being all over him with their eyes.
"What? You get to know his name already?" the blond friend said with a light gasp. Normally she would get all the information's and tell us. It must be a shock to her for me to know something about a guy that she didn't.
"I'm sensing Seattle. And he plays guitar." Bonnie continued with her observation.
"Since you're the only one who knows...how does his face look like?" Caroline asked me impatient because Stefan wouldn't turn around.
"Good I guess. He has something dreamy about him and he's very nice...like...nice...very nice." I looked at Elena seeing her suddenly look passed me with a sour expression. I followed her stare seeing Jeremy walking into the boys bathroom. He looked way out of it. I turned a knowing glance to Elena seeing her silently telling me to follow her.
She was about to walk into the boys bathroom when I held her arm: "Wait, maybe I should go?" I told her with a pleading stare. Well, Jer and she used to get along very well but since the death of our parents it kind of...crumbled. They were constantly at war and I was in the middle of it pretending to be the Swiss and being there for both of them when they needed me to be.
She sighed heavily before she nodded: "Alright, I'll wait here okay?"
I nodded and walked into the boys bathroom holding one hand above my eyes: "Okay guys, don't worry I'm not looking."
"Oh babe you can look whenever you want if I can look too." A disgusting dude announced making me cringe.
"What the hell, Willa!" I heard Jeremy's voice and immediately sunk my hand to see where it was coming from.
He looked at me perplexed that I even had the guts to go into the boys bathroom, before he turned around to one single dude who was standing beside us. He must have been the one who just called out for me to look...disgusting.
But the guy must have got the message and walked out, leaving me and Jer alone.
"Hey Jer." I started slowly.
"What are you doing here?"
"Well, I didn't see you this morning and wanted to see if you were okay but...you're surely stoned so I guess not."
He sighed heavily and looked towards the floor: "You won't tell Elena will you?"
He was down. He was so far down that I was scared that he'll fall deeper...what should I do? But then again...maybe I'm just as deep as he is and I'm not seeing it...maybe this is how he feels like. Like everyone is telling him that it went too far but for him it wasn't that bad?
"Look...she already saw you and is waiting outside right now. I prevented her from coming in."
He looked at me, a bit angry now because Elena was involved in this.
"The thing is Jer, I'm not over it too. I can't go back to how it was too...no matter how often Elena pretends that she is okay now, she feels the same way. But you know...she is trying for everyone and to be honest, I'm trying for her. At least I'm pretending. I'm not telling you to do it too, I'm just trying to tell you why she's mad right now and why she tries to get you off this shit and into the real thing again."
There was a short silence before he took a deep breath: "It's just...it's not about her Willa. They were our parents too. Why can't we grief in our own way?"
"I get it. I really do...but I get her too. She is not making this about her, she is making this about us. I think that she is currently putting herself and her grief into the background because she sees that we can't handle it..i mean come on, you became a stoner and I'm the graveyard girl that talks to her dead parents the whole day..."
He kept quite before he shook his head and looked at me: "I'm sorry, Willa but I'm not ready."
Well, shit. There was nothing more that I can do now...so I just nodded: "Alright. If you need someone I'm still there alright." He just nodded and went off leaving me in the boys bathroom behind. With a heavy sigh I decided to get out myself only to bump once again into someone.
"This is becoming our thing, huh?" I heard the all too familiar voice of Stefan.
I looked at him and just had to laugh a bit: "You okay, Willa?" A concerned Elena beside me asked me. She still held me steady as she prevented me from falling due to the bump in with Stefan.
"Yeah, by the way Stefan..." I turned towards Elena before I continued: "...That's my sister, Elena. She'll probably be in your classes." He stretched out a hand to greet her politely. I could see Elena blush as she shook it.
"Nice to meet you."
As I looked at them I realized that they were gawking at each other...weeeellll...there goes another script of Shakespeare.
"Is this the Men's room?" Stefan suddenly asked me with an amused grin.
I awkwardly laughed while Elena answered for me: "It's a long story. Our brother,...Willa's twin...we had to talk to him..."
"Yeah well I'm off guys, class is starting."
I announced trying to find the opportunity to leave them both alone. Maybe this will help Elena. It could be a fresh start for her even though I was not very fond of relationships but...maybe this was what we all needed right now.