Title: Happy Endings
Rating: T (just to be safe)
Pairing: 1x2x1, 3x4x3, 3x4x5
(yeah I think that's it.)
Categories: Parody…fusion…ummm…you'll
have to read to understand
Notes: In one of my many workshop
classes we had to read this wonderful story by Margaret Atwood called
Happy Endings. I liked it so I stole the form and ran away with it.
Any complaint that this isn't a story, join the debate. It's been
going for years.
Warnings: THIS IS A PARODY. No offense is meant
to any of the fics that might be inadvertently mentioned within this
piece. If you find your fic in here, that's okay, someone once said
that there's only three plots ever, so we all fit into some category.
Disclaimer: Don't Own Gundam Wing or Margaret Atwood, but I'd
sure as hell like to be her someday.
PLEASE READ THE WARNING BEFORE STARTING THIS FIC!
Operation Meteor starts.
Duo
and Heero meet on the docks.
They fight two wars together.
What happens next?
A.
Duo and Heero fall in love. They
discover that Heero isn't just a
weapon, but is human inside.
They help each other with their
nightmares. Eventually, they get
married. They go on vacations to
visit the other Gundam Pilots.
Both work stimulating and challenging
jobs at the Preventers
until they decide to retire and live off of all
the money they
accumulated hacking into Oz accounts. Eventually they
die, but
not until they live long lives together, recounting their
glory
days.
This is the end of the story.
B.
Duo and
Heero work as Preventers. Duo is in love with Heero, and has
been
since the war, but doesn't know how to tell his best friend and
partner of his feelings. On a mission, Duo is shot and badly
wounded.
When he wakes up in the hospital, Heero is beside his
bed and confesses
that he's been in love with Duo since that day
on the docks. A joke
is made about "love at first shot"
or "Cupid's bullet" and they both
laugh, even though
Duo somehow has broken ribs from a gun shot wound.
Duo
recovers quickly, he checks out of the hospital as
soon as
possible, and they create a fledgling relationship that all of
their
friends are happy about. Everything continues as in A.
C.
Relena has trapped Heero into a bodyguard job that he doesn't
want
because she's obsessed and keeps trying to seduce him. Heero
isn't in
love with Relena. He's in love with Duo, and wants to
tell Duo this,
but he's afraid that if he does, Relena will
become desperate and hurt
Duo or show up naked in his bed. Heero
is also afraid that Duo
doesn't like him the same way and/or is
straight and in love with
Hilde.
Heero stews away in
Sanq, all the while not knowing that Duo is
warding off advances
from Hilde, half of the men on L-2, entire
Sweepers crews, and
Howard. He enjoys working with Hilde, but decides
that he wants
more from life and goes to college, where he has to
defend his
virtue from half the campus. Duo is saving himself for
Heero, who
doesn't know that Duo's bi or gay or interested, because
Duo
thinks that Heero is straight and in love with Relena.
Then a
Preventers mission that requires their attention pops up and
they
both abandon their lives to take care of this "new threat to
peace." Somewhere in a stake-out, Duo mentions that Heero
must be
missing Relena. Heero replies that he doesn't at all, but
that Duo
must be missing his life at home. Duo complains about
all the people
hitting on him and says that most of the girls
aren't his type but
some of the boys are kind of cute. Heero
hopes that Duo might be
interested and hedges a few questions
about that issue. Getting
answers that he likes, Heero pounces
Duo and they have hot sex,
forgetting the mission that they were
sent on.
Everything continues as in A.
D.
All
of the boys are transported to an alternate dimension where they
don't remember anything about their prior lives as teenage
terrorists,
but they all seem to go to the same school and are
friends. Duo and
Heero have been friends since the womb and as
their hormones are
awakening, they become aware that they are
attracted to each other
even though they both have girlfriends,
Hilde and Relena respectively.
The plot follows a John Hughes
movie but with Duo as the Molly Ringwald
character, ending with
Duo and Heero at their prom together and some
kissing. The rest
continues as A.
E.
Duo and Heero fall in love and
into bed with each other, but they
notice that Trowa and Quatre
are beating around the same bush. They
devise a plan to get their
friends together, which includes locking
Trowa and Quatre into a
closet, ending in lots of sex for both couples
and two
simultaneous continuations of A.
F.
If you think this
is all too simple, create a new threat to peace, a
gun smuggling
band of drug lord terrorists running a sex slave ring,
which all
five boys are needed to take care of. Duo gets captures and
Heero
needs to rescue him. After the terrorist cell is destroyed,
they
all have hot kinky sex with each other, in a typical G-boy orgy
pile, until Duo and Heero express their feeling of lust and love
for
each other, leaving Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei to make a
threesome. Duo
and Heero end up leaving their lives behind,
living in one of Quatre's
mansions, and everyone works at WEI,
but now their all paired off
(except the 3x4x5 threesome). And
everything continues as in A.
G.
Life for the boys
starts like in A, only Duo finds out that he isn't
really a boy
at all, but some boy/girl crossbreed or an alien race
where there
are only males. Or Heero drinks a magic potion that
allows him to
become pregnant or become a girl. But the long and the
short of
it is: they are having a baby. And the one having the baby
becomes
girl-like, crying at cotton commercials and dish soap.
Then
the baby is born, and it is the joy of everyone's lives. The press
never catches wind of the story of the pregnant man and therefore
doesn't plaster their faces all across the news, except to note
that
two notorious Gundam Pilots have adopted a little baby and
are
creating a family in this new peace. It's a human interest
piece,
showing that even the most violent people have become
"normal" in this
pacifist era. The rest continues as in
A.
E.
If mundane sex bores you, then spice it up. Duo
and Heero are on a
Preventer mission that requires one of them to
dress like a girl.
After an argument over who wears the skirt,
with a comment about Duo's
hair and Heero's face, they flip a
coin and continue with their job.
It's a BDSM sex slave ring, so
whoever isn't in the dress is the
Master while the other plays
the part of the weepy slave.
There are many kinky lemon
scenes, with panties and various torture
type devices, butt
plugs, eggs, strap ons, and sex. They bust the
ring, but discover
that the Master/slave play is something they have
been missing
their whole lives and larch onto it with both hands, and
all
continues as in A (except with a full dungeon basement and
Gundaminium handcuffs in the bedroom.)
What this
boils down to is simple. All stories end the same way, no
matter
how you write it. No matter what the middle of the story is,
it
all ends the exact same way. Any other ending is false, not in a
bad
"Duo never tells a lie" way, but in a "doesn't tell the
whole story"
way, if not a sappy way.
The only real
ending to a story is this:
Everybody dies.
They pass on to
heaven or get reincarnated as even hotter guys from
another anime
series that have the same kind of love/hate
relationship, or
their souls drift off and join into some collective
consciousness,
al la Jung.
That is the real ending. But what are endings
anyway? It's just a
resolution. Beginnings are more interesting,
although most people
enjoy what happens in between the two. Those
are plots though, and
plots are as plots are; not really
something terribly important since
a plot is only the "what"
in a story. And all-in-all, the "whats" have
been answered.
So try telling me why now.