Being a god was tough, and being Kira was tougher because you had all of the responsibilities of god-dom without the whole immortality shtick. Thus realizing that defeat was inevitable and he would never be the god of the new world, Light had decided to retire from being Kira and shift his goals from saving humans from being killed by other humans to saving animals from being killed by humans, forming the first Japanese vegetarian society. This noble cause to which Light had assigned himself called itself PETA, or the Perfection, Education, and Truth Association, which for all intensive purposes he shortened to PETA because the longer title seemed to put people off for some reason. So far there were approximately seven inactive members in the whole country, and that was cheating because Light had counted himself and technically he still ate some traditional Japanese dishes like grilled fish because he was a shameless hypocrite.
Anyway, today was the ninth recruiting convention/strategic meeting for Light's vegetarian society, and he hoped tonight someone other than his mother and his girlfriend, Misa, would show up, because this time he was offering what all people wanted from a social event: free food! (And, of course, his glorious presence.) In fact, he had deviously spent his entire month's salary on an exquisite vegetarian banquet and flashing signs in order to lure in passersby, which may not have been very wise in the long-term, but hey, I never said Light had common sense, he just had an exceptionally high IQ.
As calculated, within minutes of opening the doors to the building Light had succeeded in his goal of luring in a curious civilian, but to his horror the first person to walk through the door was none other than the slouchy, baggy-eyed detective who had forced him to fold his hand and forgo taking over the world, such that Light's life had come to nothing much except for graduating from the most prestigious university in Japan, being hired by the police force immediately, being promoted to one of the law enforcement sector's most highest ranking positions within weeks, and meanwhile getting engaged to one of the most attractive, rich, and popular idols in Japan. Oh, the world was just too cruel.
"Light-kun," L greeted, scratching at his leg with one foot with the demeanor of a flamingo, assuming flamingos get itches on their legs and scratch themselves with one foot, which I think is at least as plausible as a notebook of death falling from the sky so we will say this metaphor makes complete and utter sense. Upon realizing he was still wearing his ratty tennis shoes and had just smeared mud all over his pants, L kicked them off and left them there in the middle of the floor as he hopped up onto one of the chairs Light had set up in a circle in the center of the room, thus smudging mud onto the upholstery as well. "As I am sure you have gathered by now, I have decided to join your vegetarian society."
"…Have you been stalking me again? You're worse than my fifteen and half ex-girlfriends," Light said, crossing his arms over his sweater-shirt as he looked down his nose at the detective. Now that L had dismissed all suspicions of him being Kira, at least officially, and either way he had no evidence to back it up, Light was free to act like an asshole around his arch-nemesis. This was rather refreshing, almost as much as a well-placed spritz of cologne and hairspray in the morning, but not quite.
"Half?" L questioned.
"Well, she turned out to be a he, but that just goes to show that my charm and beauty transcend all boundaries," Light explained, examining his nails because L was too ugly to look at, whereas even his cuticles were gorgeous. You just couldn't make this stuff up. "Anyway, I'm not Kira. I'm just Light, the god of… er, I mean the president of PETA, the Perfection, Education, and Truth Association of Japan."
"Maybe so… but judging by the large order of paint I have traced back to your bank account, I suspect that you intend to make a scene at this week's fur fashion show. That is also illegal," L said directly.
"Why would I do something like that? I'd have one of my minions do it in order to shift the responsibility onto someone else, Second and Third and Fourth etc. Kiras, duh," Light pointed out, too ashamed to admit the fact that it hadn't occurred to him to storm the fur fashion show; he had simply intended to redecorate since his home-life (and sex-life) with Misa was even more boring than watching paint dry. For dressing so outlandishly, she sure liked it vanilla.
As if reading his mind, L had developed a creepy pervert smile on his face, but actually it was because Light had just essentially confessed to being Kira and now maybe he had another excuse to chain him up and detain indefinitely him for 'questioning'. Yes, lots and lots of questioning… no one could play Trivial Pursuit quite like Light could. "Touché. In any case, you cannot deny me admittance to your cult, for I am vegetarian-curious and to turn me away would be discriminatory and therefore against the law."
Curses, foiled again. Light should have fought harder to pass that bill about discrimination against beautiful people instead of letting that crap about racism and sexism and so forth go through. Obviously women were inferior if Misa was anything to go by, and whatever race L happened to be from, the world could probably do without it because the blood pool was clearly contaminated. I mean just look at L, his eyes had to be some sort of genetic defect, and don't get me started on the hair – it was probably some mutant alien life form in and of itself.
"Then I guess I'll have to let you join," Light admitted reluctantly, after considering the situation and coming to the conclusion that L really would try to prosecute him for discrimination if he didn't play the detective's latest game. "Although you are not even a vegetarian, so I don't see why you are joining…"
"But I am a vegetarian," L responded, his wide eyes shifting sideways like a cat clock to look at Light. It was the kind of sight that gave children and ex-Kira suspects nightmares. "I only eat sugar, remember?"
"That doesn't count, that just means you're a carbivore like everybody else in the developed world. Plus, I've seen you eating glazed ham and pineapple chicken, two and four times respectively," the brunette recalled precisely. He still hadn't sat down, preferring to glare at L from his lofty position of approximately three feet above him, wondering how many fractions of an inch he could add onto his height if he stretched up onto his tiptoes a bit more.
"Semantics, Light-kun. I am for all intensive purposes a vegetarian," L said placidly, resting his chin on his arms as he looked up at the man standing beside him through non-existent eyelashes, and then he raised a non-existent eyebrow, "In any case, where is everyone?"
"Uhh… usually there's more people here," Light said, looking shiftily from side to side. "They should be coming any minute now…"
Four hours, three rounds of intensely competitive charades, two fist fights, and one dessert buffet later, Light and L were still the only ones there and it was time to close the PETA building for the evening.
"Well, I'll bring some friends with me next time," L said by way of farewell, looking not at Light but at the multitude PETA brochures he was holding between pinched fingers and as far away from his body as possible, as if they were dirty just by virtue of being associated with Light. Probably L was intending to add them to his 'why Light is a very, very bad boy' scrapbook when he got home. Scrapbookers were the source of all evil in this world, so it only made sense that L would be one.
"Me too," Light said immediately, then realized he didn't have any friends. But neither did L, so really he was just calling the other detective's bluff, right? "I'll introduce you to all of our regular members at the next meeting."
L nodded and left the building. As soon as he was out of sight, Light promptly fisted his hair with both hands, somehow simultaneously slamming a fist against the wall and glaring toward the camera as he began to laugh maniacally because he was a very sick person inside and after all laughter is the best medicine. You should try it sometime! "L… HA HAAHHAHAH! You think you've won, don't you? But I… I'm going to be the god… I mean, the animal rights advocate for a more humane and ethical society!"
"Um, I was wondering, could I have a brochure?" some random pedestrian who had wandered in asked, then backed away slowly as she realized that Light was cackling like the deranged serial killer that he was, not that Light noticed. He was too busy wondering who he could bring to the next meeting to recruit new members right now.
One sudden week later because I am too lazy to transition properly, PETA was reconvening for their tenth meeting. Light had called all of his high school and college classmates as well as his coworkers, but ultimately only his three bitch-slaves had shown up because most people thought Light was a pompous ass (or as Light rationalized, they were all secretly jealous of his good looks and intelligence), and so Light sat in a throne-like chair in the center of the PETA headquarters, arms and legs crossed as he waited for his arch-rival to arrive. Misa sat to his left, clinging to his arm like the parasite that she was, while Takada occupied the chair to his right, glaring at the other girl and undoubtedly plotting ways in which to murder her. Meanwhile Mikami knelt on the floor, bowing up and down worshipfully as he chanted, "God… God…"
"Mikami, I've told you a hundred times, don't call me that," Light ordered, sighing with frustration.
"Yes, God," Mikami said obediently, kissing Light's feet, then moving up to his ankles and beginning to lick them as Misa tried to kick his head away with her steeled-toed combat boots, not that the head trauma could make Mikami any weirder than he already was.
"Better yet, Mikami, just go sit over there where no one can see you and don't say anything unless instructed," Light directed, pointing to the corner. Mikami whined like a dog but did as told, sulking off to draw pictures on the wall with a crayon he found on the floor, starting with stick figures of himself and Light holding hands and skipping through a vegetarian paradise populated with kittens and bunnies.
It was then that L arrived, and to Light's great surprise, he was not alone. Three teenagers were with him, including an underage blond in a midriff-bearing leather vest, a redhead absorbed in his Game Boy, and a short boy in white pajamas, which made sense upon further consideration because L was a pedophile like that. The detective seated himself across from Light in the circle of chairs, the others following his lead, and Light cleared his throat to call everyone to order.
"Welcome to PETA's tenth weekly meeting, and thank you for joining me in my pursuit of the perfect vegetarian society," Light said with finesse. "Let's begin with introductions, such as your name and why you have decided to become a vegetarian, starting with myself of course and going around to the right. I am Light, and my hobbies include winning the national chess championship, earning a 4.1 GPA, being promoted at least three times a week – "
"Those aren't hobbies, Light-kun, that is simply bragging…" L interjected, sounding bored.
"Nobody asked for your negativity, L," Light countered rather negatively. "PETA only accepts the purest, gentlest humans into its ranks so get with the fucking program or get the fuck out. Asshole."
"Yeah, you pervert!" Misa supported with a statement which had no relevance as per usual.
"Ahem," Takada said in her best newscaster voice, turning the attention away from Misa with one graceful sweep of manicured fingers through well-groomed black bangs. "I am Kiyomi Takada. You may know me already as the Queen of To-Oh University or as Lady Takada of NHK News, not that I would ever refer to myself as that, of course." She gave a demure smile. "I'm not a vegetarian; actually, I am just here to get into Light's pants."
"Uhh, thank you, Kiyomi," Light said, checking to make sure his fly was zipped. You could never be too careful with these people.
It was silent for a long time but for the beeps and boops of a video game, until finally the blond boy sitting next to L elbowed the redhead to his left and he looked up from his game, saying shortly, "I'm Matt. I don't know why I'm here except that Mello dragged me along. Vegetarians are fucking dumb."
"Matt!" the blond reprimanded, elbowing him again with enough force to break a rib, which was probably why Matt sat hunched over to the extent that his arms were resting on his thighs, either that or he had even worse posture than L which was impressive in and of itself.
"I mean, I like Animal Crossing and Pokemon. Raising animals is just so much fun," Matt said with bland sarcasm, and the blond nodded, seemingly satisfied. Matt returned to his game as Mello crossed his arms over his chest, tilting his chin upward and smirking cockily at the circle of people surrounding him.
"The name's Mello, and don't forget it, because I am the best vegetarian ever. See that prematurely aged kid to my right, with the white hair? He is nowhere near as vegetarian as I am, that's for sure. I only eat chocolate. Chocolate is yummy…" Mello trailed off as his ADD got the better of him and he extracted a few chocolate bars, a gun, and a cruise ship from the magical depths of the front of his pants.
"I am L," was all L said, unimpressed by this display, although Misa and Takada wandered off into the cruise ship to get manicures and pedicures and possibly push each other off the ledge for sharks to eat, then they wandered back to PETA headquarters and sat down in their chairs by the time this sentence finished so that the introductions could continue.
"My name is Near, and it would not be inaccurate to state that I am a vegetarian…" the white-haired boy said, twirling his hair as he looked up thoughtfully, not meeting the eyes of the many people staring at him.
"What do you eat, anyway?" Matt said, confused.
"Yeah, what he said," Mello echoed, suddenly suspicious. Maybe Near was secretly taking brain steroids or something, either that or he really was a robot... whatever the case, it probably meant that Near was cheating to achieve the number one position at Wammy's House, and Mello was pissed.
"Oh, you know, the usual," Near said, taking a bag of Lego's out of his pajamas pocket and popping a few into his mouth. An awkward silence ensued, until Misa inevitably broke it a few moments later.
"Misa-Misa here," she greeted, waving both hands cutely in front of her. "I'm a vegetarian because I'm a model and I don't eat, period. I think the last time was about four, maybe five months ago? I just kind of photosynthesize and live off of Light. It's hard work to be this gorgeous and loveable, you know!" She looked to Light as if seeking his agreement, but he ignored her.
"Mikami, you may speak now," Light said, and Mikami crawled back into the circle from which he had been banished.
"I am Teru Mikami, a prosecutor and a firm supporter of justice of all kinds, including animal rights," Mikami said smoothly, suddenly looked quite refined as he adjusted his glasses and opened a briefcase, passing out business cards which everyone promptly threw away, excluding Near who ate the paper like his close genetic cousins the goats.
"So, does anyone have ideas for how we can expand PETA and take over the world… I mean, make the world a better place for animals?" Light questioned, but did not wait for anyone to answer because he liked listening to himself talk much better. "I was thinking we could assemble at the fur fashion show and protest their cruelty in a completely legal manner not involving paint."
"Actually, that was my idea, minus the legality," L interposed.
"Can you prove it?" was Light's counterargument.
"…No…" L said sulkily and did not speak anymore, opting instead to chew on his thumb.
"That's what I thought," Light answered, smug.
"Don't talk to L like that!" Mello screamed, pointing a gun at Light's head, which didn't bother Light as much as it should have because he had already been held at gunpoint on multiple occasions.
"Don't talk to Light like that!" Misa screamed right back, and the two blonds began to battle in the center of the ring, ripping and tugging at one another's hair until they realized that they were long lost identical twins and they moved off to the side of the room to hug and catch up. Matt, no longer having any relevance to Mello's life, was written out of this fanfic, and so was everyone else when I randomly decided to end this story because I had writer's block. The end.
A/N: Yeeeeah, that was random, I know. I might continue this eventually if I feel like it, but I wouldn't hold your breath because I am lazy like that. Drop me a review and I will love you forever. :D