A/N: I'm not too sure what this is, honestly. I've never tried a fic like this. Tony thinks about his relationship with Ziva and revisits in his mind some key moments with his partner while sitting at his desk on a quiet night. Enjoy. Tony/Ziva. Unbeta'd this time.
Here I am, sitting at my desk in the bullpen, fidgeting with a pen, staring at my partner. Ziva certainly is an intriguing woman. I look at her shining deep brown orbs and get lost in the sparkle. My relationship with Ziva is not something that's easy to classify. It was simpler a few years ago. After Somalia, things got complicated in a sense. Hell, things changed after Jenny died. On my watch. I still blame myself for it, but if anyone on the team knew this, they'd slap the shit out of me. We got over that fact a while ago, but my thoughts about guilt are never completely gone. Yeah, yeah. Back on topic. Our relationship is a complex one to say the least. We care for each other. Okay, that may be a bit of an understatement. I travelled half way around the world to save her. We've grown so close over the years, and our friendship has been tested by Somalia, and boundaries were tested in Paris. I'll get to that later. So, I'm sitting here looking at a magazine, trying to let the beauty of GSM distract me. But, somehow I can't stop looking at my partner. I mean how can I not? Ziva is pretty freaking hot. Her perfect body does things to me, let me tell you. But, it's not like that's abnormal or anything. I'm a guy. I'm allowed to let a hot woman turn me on. We all try our best to hide things that affect us, though.
I'm Italian. A DiNozzo. I'm great in the bedroom, and always take control. Sexually, that is. I always top, no matter what. I think it's an ego thing. I have a reputation to uphold. But, that's the thing with Ziva. She's the only woman who's affected me otherwise. Whenever a bomb or something goes off, Ziva will jump on top of me. It's a protection and Mossad reflex of hers. Whenever that happens, I can't help it, but my body reacts. That's normal though. What's not normal for me is for it to affect me that way when a woman is in control. The epitome of this realization for me happened in Israel. Ziva was really pissed at me, which she had a right to be, but I told her to let her anger out. Take a swing or two. She ended up pinning me to the ground with a gun sticking into my chest. I should have been angry at her or irritated or worried that she'd kill me, but I wasn't. The only think I could think about was about how her power was turning me on. It really shouldn't, but I can't help what my body likes.
And then, there's Paris. We kissed. After a long day, we went back to our hotel room to rest. Ziva said she'd take the couch, but in the end we decided we could share a bed. That way no one's backs would end up broken. It was normal until my womanly instincts took over. Used to have a woman in my bed, I wrapped my arms around Ziva's waist. I freaked out once I realized what was happening, but Ziva didn't turn around and kill me. I'm not sure what happened after that. Ziva turned around and buried her face in my chest. Things just escalated I guess. Now I see how it happened in Paris with Gibbs and Jenny. Next thing I knew, Ziva was on top of me, and I was making out with her. It all happened so fast. About halfway through undressing each other, we both froze. Our judgment finally cleared up. We decided that we could never turn back if we had sex and decided it was for the best not to as a spur of the moment thing. It was mutual, but I don't know. Now, I seem to be thinking more and more about our relationship.
It's not like that cliché where I automatically have a light bulb go off in my head and decide I'm in love with my partner. This isn't a cheesy 80's chick flick. Life doesn't work that way. Relationships don't happen like that. There's a lot at stake with this decision. I love Ziva, platonically; I have over the years, just like I love McGee, Gibbs, Abby, Ducky, and even Palmer. I would jump in front of a car to save them. But, I can't deny that I'm not attracted to her. There's something there. We have chemistry. I can't just let that go and never act on it. But there's so much at stake with our friendship, partnership, not just the relationship, that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to act on it one day. I just hope, whatever happens, is for the best for us. I want us to be happy. If that means flirting and joking around forever, then okay. I'd love to be with Ziva, sexually, romantically. It's just I don't know if I'd ever be able to forgive myself if I went for it and things ended badly.
"Tony, finished your report? McGee?" The woman across from him asked, pulling him out of his thoughts.
"Uh, yeah. Finished a while ago." Tony responded.
McGee, Tony, and Ziva all placed their reports on Gibbs' desk and headed into the elevator.
One day, Tony thought, one day.
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