Disclaimer: Nothing, not one person, place, or thing belongs to us. That should cover it.
Summary: Set inbetween Him and CWDP. Spike has a problem, wakes up Xander, who calls Buffy to come fix it. S/B fluffyness!
Authors: Tigerwolf & Tequila Sunrise
Title: Into The Closet
Author's Notes, Tigerwolf: Hey, guys. I know we're putting this out late, but we had a debate over whether or not to make this the first chapter of our next epic, or a short all to itself. After seeing Sleeper last night, we decided that the next epic will be an AU from the end of that ep, and not Him. So here's the short that we wrote nearly three weeks ago. Review, if you would be so kind. Thank you.
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Buffy was dreaming. She was sure of it. It had that surreal 'fuzzy around the edges' quality that her dreams sometimes did. She was talking to Dawn about the preservation, and recycling of... Dots candy?? And Dawn, in response, opened her mouth and rang. Waaaaait a minute. Rannng... Riiiiiing.... Then said, "Hi, you've reached Buffy and Dawn. We're not in right-"
"Ughhh..." Buffy rolled over and snatched up the phone. "Huh?"
"Buffy?", Xander's voice. Sounding frazzled and slightly worried. "Thank god... Listen, I've got a bit of a-" Muffled whimpering sound in the background, followed by a rhythmic thumping sound. "-bit of a problem, over here."
She wiped a hand over her face, forcing her mind from the Dots recycling process she had thought up. "What... What's up?"
More thumping sounds, and an almost wailing noise for a moment. "Uh.. It's Spike.. He's.. totally freaked out, and won't shut up! He won't even tell me what's going on. He just keeps moaning, and banging his head or fist on the wall." As if to illustrate the point, more sounds from the background. "God! He's nuts! I tried to give him some crackers, cause that helps me when I'm upset, and he SNAPPED at me! LITERALLY! As in, with FANGS!"
She groaned. "Ten minutes." Hung up the phone, and began dressing for her trek over there.
True to her word, a note to Dawn and ten minutes later had her knocking on Xander's apartment door.
The young man opened the door, wearing blue and black flannel jammas, his hair all messed up. "Thank god. I hope you brought a stake."
From within the apartment, there was a sound that seemed almost like a tortured dog, and more thumps.
Buffy gave him a cursory nod and went to the closet, and slid the door open. "Spike?"
In the darkness of the closet, two golden eyes glowed in the corner, and a low, threatening growl came from the same general area.
She put her hands on her still pajama-clad hips. "Stop that." Scolding tone. She moved closer in the dark to the golden eyes. "Will you tell me what's wrong?"
Growled again. Animalistic sound, pushed into the corner, away from her. Punched the wall suddenly, and snarled.
Xander moved to stand in the door. "He's been doing that for three hours, now. And he won't let me get close enough to see anything other than this." Shone a flashlight on the wall near the crouching vampire, lighting up a stain of fresh blood and the imprints of knuckles.
"Xander.... Why don't you... Just wait. Let me see what I can do, ok?"
"Want the flashlight?"
"Sure."
He handed her the small light, and, with one last glance over his shoulder, left the closet, calling back, "I have to be at work in five hours. Anything you have to do to get him to be quiet would be really good."
"On it," she called back to him. She advanced slowly, keeping the beam away from his face. "Spike... You were doing good."
Whimpering sound, and he pressed against the wall, as if he was trying to disappear into it. Soft, unsure growl.
"Spike.... Come on... There were no voices... It was better. A lot... Why don't you talk to me instead, ok?"
He licked his lips. "..they came back.." Very quiet, almost inauditable.
"Well, let's talk over them, ok?"
He shook his head. "Not-" Motioned around them, at the closet itself. "-here." Tapped his bumpy forehead. "*Here*. They all.. always come back... Show me.. what I did.." Sudden growl and punched the wall again, with his already bloodied and bruised knuckles.
She reached out, caught his fisted hand in an iron grip. "Stop it."
He flinched at her touch, and tried to jerk his hand back. "If I hurt, they don't call for it. Let me go!"
As he jerked back, she jerked forward. "No."
Growled. "Let. Go." He sounded so... vicious, but his eyes... his eyes said otherwise. Lost. Scared. Doing the only thing he knew to make the memories go away.
Her eyes softened, but her resolve was the same. "I can't, Spike..." Softly.
He looked at her, golden eyes glowing in the dim light that came in through the still partially open door. "..please.."
"We'll stop it another way."
Slowly, his fisted hand relaxed, prompting her to drop it. He licked his lips, and then ran his tongue over one of his fangs for a moment, was quiet. Contemplaitive. Just.. crouched there. Brought the other hand up to rub at his forehead. "I don't think there *is* another way," he said quietly, finally.
"We'll find one, ok? 'Cause this has to stop."
He shook his head, whimpering softly. "I tried! I tried to stop. And it worked, for awhile. I helped. I helped Xander, and I helped you. Even though I don't think you wanted my help, then..." Cocked his head, confused.
She shook her head. "Unexplained spell. But I'm glad you did."
Blinked, looked up. "I helped, then?"
"Yeah, you did."
He nodded a little, and brought one finger up to draw in the blood on the wall. Growled softly. "Coming back. They're coming back soon."
She made a protesting noise. Change the subject. "Dawnie has a gang at school. Just like me."
He looked up at her. "Still mad at me. She is, you know. I see it. I feel it. Everyone's mad at me for something."
"But they all want to help you still... We're all trying to help you."
"Why?" Whimpered, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. "I'm a horrible thing. You know that. You told me."
Oh... The guilt pounded at her chest as sure as his fist had the wall only minute ago. "I... Things are different now. Even the way people are."
Spike blinked, then closed his eyes tight, putting the heel of his hand against his forehead, as if he could push the voices out with pure strength. "I can't... I don't... Evil, disgusting thing. Beneath you. I'm beneath you..." Was rocking back and forth now, whimpering amid his words. "She said it first... Cecily.. But she's gone now, too... Felt it... You're here, but you said it... Deep inside... It hurts... Hurts..." Trailed off into a whimpering wail.
She moved closer to him, tears of guilt and sympathy welling up in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Some time during his rant, he'd finally lost the game face, but the whimpering didn't even get quieter. He pressed against the wall, unable to get any further away from her. "Don't touch me... I'll just... It'll.. Hurt you.. I'll hurt you again.. Go away!" A keening whimpering sound for punctuation.
"No. No." She reached out, shook him a little bit. "That's what was wrong last year. Everyone just left everyone else alone. We're not doing it again. *I'm* not doing that again. I will not walk away from you."
He froze. Looked at her. "..you.. won't?"
She shook her head, a small, sad smile at the corner of her lips at his helpless tone. "I won't."
"Promise?"
So lost, this new but old Spike. "I promise."
He blinked, started to move toward her, then pulled back. "I don't want to hurt you..."
"I don't want you to, either. I don't think you will."
He moved toward her again, then paused, blinked hard, and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. Quietly, "It was a nightmare..."
"What was a nightmare?"
A half shrug. "You asked, before. What started it. I had a nightmare." Kind of a sheepish tone. He felt kind of silly that a nightmare would get him punching the walls.
"It's gone now."
Tapped his forehead. "I have instant replay."
Her hand wrapped around his finger, and she pulled it down gently. "Only if you hit the button."
A half laugh. "I don't have buttons."
She gave him a smile. "See then? No worries."
Licked his lips, looking at where her hand held his finger. A sudden whimper. "What if I can't do it? What if they come back, and I have to go back down again... back down in the dark... I don't think I... I can't do that again.. I can't..." Whimpering got louder.
Her hand slid to hold his wrist gently. "You don't. You won't. See? You have a place. You and Xander."
A half snort. "He doesn't even like me. I don't like him, either."
"But... I don't always like Dawn. But it's her home, too."
He gave her a strange look. "Niblet's your sister. You don't have a choice. Family. Friends. That's the difference." Looked at the floor. "I don't even have one of those."
Buffy shrugged. "You wanna get down to it, neither do I. Dad? What Dad? Mom.. died. Dawn... she's a mystical embodiment of energy. But I do have a family. My friends. We're dysfunctional... but it's what we have."
"What *you* have," he said pointedly. "I'm a bug. An annoyance. Something that they wish would leave."
"Maybe they- we did. But we don't now. We need each other now. We don't want you to go. Neverminding Xander's bluster, if he really hadn't wanted you, you wouldn't be here."
A strangely hopeful look. "Do you think... I can have friends?"
"I think you already do."
Blinked at her, head cocked, doing a very good impression of a confused puppy.
"Me and Dawn. I mean, Dawn's upset, but... it's only because she cares so much."
"You? After what... After what I... almost..." Started to whimper again, blinking hard, looked down and away from her.
She fidgeted a moment. "We're different people now."
He was... shivering. Trembling, and still wouldn't look at her. "Not enough... I could still... I might.."
"No you won't."
Risked a glance up at her, still shivering. Looked back at the floor. "Wish I was so sure..."
Sympathy pulsed through her with every heartbeat. His eyes had shimmered with tears as he had glanced at her. Poor Spike. So unsure. So.. broken. But healing, just the same. "Spike..." Her voice full of her emotion. "I *know* that you won't."
Barely glancing at her, he moved closer, pausing when he was barely half a foot away. A quiet whimpering sound, nothing like the keening, high pitched version that he'd been doing earlier, was coming from deep in his throat, and one tear was making a track down his cheek. He wiped at it, violently. Said quietly, "You sound so certain."
She wiped his face slowly. "Because I am."
He trembled at her touch, and moved closer again, before his pride got in the way and made him pull back. Wanted nothing more than to be comforted, but wouldn't let himself seem weak. He already felt embarrassed enough by what she'd seen of him since he'd been back. Licked his lips. "You can go... I'll be okay, now.. Won't wake up Harris again."
She grinned. "That's hard to do in the first place." She smoothed a piece of his hair. "You sure?"
Trembled again, unable to gain complete control. Managed to tone it down to a small shudder. "Yeah.." Looked at the floor.
She sighed. "I'm so tired. I don't think I want to go home."
Glanced at her. "You can have my cot. I'm already on the floor." He didn't want to lock eyes with her. There was some part of him that was certain, that if he made eye contact, he was going to launch himself into her arms.
Shook her head. "Nah, I'll just grab his couch."
He nodded slowly. "Oh. Okay." Studied the wall.
She tilted his face towards her. "You're gonna be ok to sleep?"
He focused his eyes on her arm, rather than her face. "I should be up, anyway. It's night."
She used her free hand to direct his eyes to hers. "Spike..."
He bit his lip, hard. Closed his eyes. "Buffy, don't... I don't want.. I can't..."
"Look at me." Quiet entreaty.
He opened his eyes slowly, the trembling starting again as he looked at her. His muscles tightened, physically having to restrain himself from hugging her. His eyes glistened with unshed tears. This was what he hadn't wanted to happen.
He had never been able to refuse her requests. Why was he upset again? "Spike, I-"
He couldn't hold back from doing what he needed to do. With a quiet whimper, he leaned toward her, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her shoulder, snuffling quietly.
She sat still a moment, shocked. Spike had pretty much refused to touch her in any way at all since he had been back. Refrained even from looking her in the eye. Her arms went around him slowly, and she rocked back and forth gently.
He whimpered softly, shaking slightly, let her rock him, still crying silently on her shoulder. Every now and then, a quiet, "Sorry.." would slip out.
"Shhh... All right... It's all right."
Spike kept up that quiet whimpering, and didn't show any signs of releasing her any time soon. He was still sniffling, and nuzzling her shoulder a little, in between the muttered apologies.
Her hands slowly moved up his back, in small circles, patting here and there, like her mother had done when she was a little girl, having nightmares.
Slowly, the whimpering quieted, and a very quiet purr began. The shaking toned down to a very slight trembling.
Meanwhile, another set of eyes watched from the doorway of the closet. Xander stood there, watching the pair. He never would've admitted it, but he was a little worried about the vampire. Worried enough that he hadn't been able to get back to sleep. He told himself that he was just worried that Spike would attack Buffy again, but, if that was true... He couldn't rationalize the first aid kit that he held in his hand.
"There... there..." Buffy mumbled. "See? It's ok..."
Spike nuzzled her again, and his grip loosed around her slightly, in preparation to pull away. Maybe to go back into the corner.
Xander didn't know if he should clear his throat, alerting them to his presence, or should just keep silent until he thought they might need him. Chose the second option.
"Hey... Why don't you get in bed, now?," the Slayer said gently, soothingly, patting Spike's arm a little.
He pulled back from her a little way, and nodded slowly, moving toward the cot, his body language showing deep embarrassment. He'd just done what he'd been trying to avoid doing since he'd been back, and he felt... exposed. Wiped at his cheeks for a moment, trying to clear away the evidence of his breakdown.
She stayed on the floor, and wrapped her arms around her knees. "Spike?"
He glanced toward her, seeing Xander out of the corner of his eye, but not focusing on him long enough for an identification.
"Crying... it's ok to do. It... let's things out. It's when you don't let it out, that things get bad. I know."
He nodded, climbing slowly onto his cot. "I know... I just don't like it."
In the doorway, Xander shifted, and Spike truly noticed him for the first time, a small growl of suprise was his reaction.
Buffy stood, spinning to face the direction Spike sent the growl.
Xander held up one hand and the first aid kit. "I, uh.. Thought you guys might need this... Saw the blood on the wall earlier."
Spike cocked his head, the soft growl changing to a sound of confusion. Since when did Harris want to help him?
Buffy smiled at him. "Thanks. Bring it in. Join the party."
He looked at Spike nervously. "He's not gonna snap at me again, right? You calmed him down."
Spike just watched, his head still tilted to the side.
"He's fine, Xander."
"He's staring at me..."
"Yes, he has a mouth, too. If he speaks with it, will it unnerve you?"
A small chuckle from the vampire, and the young man. Xander sighed. "Only if it involves aiming his fangs at my arm again."
Spike shook his head. "No fangs."
Buffy nodded. "No fangs."
Xander nodded and came in slowly, sitting on the floor near Buffy and handing her the kit. "So.. What happened?"
Buffy shrugged. "Bad dreams. He feels better now."
Xander gave a small nod. "Oh." Looked at Spike. "You aren't going to do that again, right? Because I have enough sleepless nights as it is."
"I'll be sure to try not to." Slightly sarcastic.
A smile curved Buffy's lips at the slight glimpse of the Spike she had known. "Hands, Mr. Aggression."
He gave a half sigh, and held out one hand, bloodied knuckles up.
She opened the first aid kit on the bed, and cleaned his hands, not bothering with bandages, because they'd close within the hour, and they all knew it.
He cocked his head, watching her, acutely aware of Xander's presence in the room. Finally, he said quietly, "Well? Don't you have something to say, Harris?"
Xander looked up from his spot on the floor. "Like what? I already asked you not to keep me up again."
Spike was confused. Harris had seen him break down before, he was sure of it. So why wasn't he rubbing his nose in it? Oh. Must've been cause of Buffy. In reality, that was only part of the young man's reasons.
Xander had seen Spike like that only two other times. Once, at.. at the tower. And the other time had been the funeral. Just like then, something was deeply wrong with the vampire. But, unlike those times, Buffy was *here* to help him. What he'd witnessed a few moments earlier made him glad that he'd agreed to take the vampire in. Albeit grudgingly. What would he have done if he'd been alone in that horrible basement when one of those nightmares... No. Night*terrors* had hit him? He probably had been alone before, and it.. scared Xander. No one, debatably evil or not, should be alone when they're scared. Especially not *that* scared. He'd tried for the better part of three hours to get Spike to talk to him, to calm down. But he'd been unsuccessful. And now he knew why. Spike hadn't needed just anyone. He'd needed Buffy. And Xander was glad that he'd called her.
Buffy smoothed her thumbs over the already closing and now cleaned wounds. "Looking better already."
Spike gave a small nod. "Thank you, Buffy."
Xander pulled himself out of his inner musings and stood up. "Uh.. You know, since we're all up, how about food? I have some, I'm relatively sure."
"Mm... sounds good. You have to promise to let me sleep on your couch, though."
He nodded. "Oh yeah. Actually, I'm gonna have to go to work in... I am not wearing my watch. So I have no clue. I'm pretty certain that it's far too soon, though."
She nodded. "I've gotta be up at 6:30. I left a note for Dawn."
"Ah. Okay, then." He left the closet, heading for the apartment's small kitchen.
Spike just sat on the cot, watching blankly.
Buffy looked at him. "Aren't you coming?"
The vampire shrugged. "I'm supposed to stay in here."
"He just invited us to food. I'm hungry, and I want company. Move."
Yikes. A command. He got up before he even was able to think about it. Followed her out of the closet, blinking at the brighter lights and the sound of Xander rooting in the fridge.
"Whatcha got, Xan?"
"From the top? Milk. Old pizza. Cheese sticks. An apple, and two blood bags." Made a face. "I need to shop."
"Yes you do. Cheese sticks. Warm them puppies up."
He did as she asked, and, without even asking, warmed up a mug of blood, leaving it on the counter as he brought the cheese sticks into the 'living room' and flopped on the couch.
Spike moved through the kitchen slowly, getting his mug and leaning against the doorway.
"Spike!" Buffy called, without turning from her flop to the couch. Slapped the cushions beside her.
Xander gave her a little look for a moment, but shrugged and ate a cheese stick.
Spike moved slowly, settling down next to Buffy, with her between him and Xander, hugging one of the couch arms with the hand that wasn't clutching his mug.
She munched on one end of her cheese stick, and flipped on the TV. Handed one to Spike.
He looked at it for a moment, then at his mug, then noticed Xander watching him. Smirked for just an instant, before dunking the stick.
"Uuggh," Xander commented.
Buffy winced. "Ewwww...." Turned it to WE, Women's Entertainment. She hid a smile at seeing Spike willing to make Xander uncomfortable.
Spike, enjoying the attention, as well as the reactions, dunked the stick again, before sucking out the cheese. Noisily.
Xander fake gagged. "See what I have to live with?"
Buffy shuddered. "Yup." Crunched another stick.
Spike chuckled, very softly, and ate the rest of the stick the normal way, before downing the rest of his mug.
Buffy laughed, but in less than ten minutes, was dozing sitting up.
Xander was a step further, actually asleep, leaning sideways on his arm of the couch.
Spike, meanwhile, was watching the early morning news quietly, listening to the breathing of his companions.
Buffy put her legs on Xander's lap, and leaned her head against Spike's shoulder, a tiny snort escaping her as she slept.
Spike couldn't help the small smile that made it's way to his face. Even more so when one of the Slayer's hands came up and fisted in the shirt over his stomach. He was warm, and relaxed. And for the first time in... who knows how long, he felt.. safe.
Sleep must've been contagious. The feeling of Buffy's head on his shoulder, combined with his full stomach, relaxed feelings, and the soothing sound of the Slayer and Xander's breathing, Spike was doing his best to hold his eyes open. It wasn't long before the vampire had dozed off as well, his cheek resting atop Buffy's head.
It also wouldn't be long before the alarm clock in the bedroom went off, and the two humans had to go about their lives, but.. For right then, it was a rare, peaceful moment for all three of them. And, for a night that started out confusing and slightly scary, none of them could think of a better ending.
If they'd even been awake to do so.
Summary: Set inbetween Him and CWDP. Spike has a problem, wakes up Xander, who calls Buffy to come fix it. S/B fluffyness!
Authors: Tigerwolf & Tequila Sunrise
Title: Into The Closet
Author's Notes, Tigerwolf: Hey, guys. I know we're putting this out late, but we had a debate over whether or not to make this the first chapter of our next epic, or a short all to itself. After seeing Sleeper last night, we decided that the next epic will be an AU from the end of that ep, and not Him. So here's the short that we wrote nearly three weeks ago. Review, if you would be so kind. Thank you.
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Buffy was dreaming. She was sure of it. It had that surreal 'fuzzy around the edges' quality that her dreams sometimes did. She was talking to Dawn about the preservation, and recycling of... Dots candy?? And Dawn, in response, opened her mouth and rang. Waaaaait a minute. Rannng... Riiiiiing.... Then said, "Hi, you've reached Buffy and Dawn. We're not in right-"
"Ughhh..." Buffy rolled over and snatched up the phone. "Huh?"
"Buffy?", Xander's voice. Sounding frazzled and slightly worried. "Thank god... Listen, I've got a bit of a-" Muffled whimpering sound in the background, followed by a rhythmic thumping sound. "-bit of a problem, over here."
She wiped a hand over her face, forcing her mind from the Dots recycling process she had thought up. "What... What's up?"
More thumping sounds, and an almost wailing noise for a moment. "Uh.. It's Spike.. He's.. totally freaked out, and won't shut up! He won't even tell me what's going on. He just keeps moaning, and banging his head or fist on the wall." As if to illustrate the point, more sounds from the background. "God! He's nuts! I tried to give him some crackers, cause that helps me when I'm upset, and he SNAPPED at me! LITERALLY! As in, with FANGS!"
She groaned. "Ten minutes." Hung up the phone, and began dressing for her trek over there.
True to her word, a note to Dawn and ten minutes later had her knocking on Xander's apartment door.
The young man opened the door, wearing blue and black flannel jammas, his hair all messed up. "Thank god. I hope you brought a stake."
From within the apartment, there was a sound that seemed almost like a tortured dog, and more thumps.
Buffy gave him a cursory nod and went to the closet, and slid the door open. "Spike?"
In the darkness of the closet, two golden eyes glowed in the corner, and a low, threatening growl came from the same general area.
She put her hands on her still pajama-clad hips. "Stop that." Scolding tone. She moved closer in the dark to the golden eyes. "Will you tell me what's wrong?"
Growled again. Animalistic sound, pushed into the corner, away from her. Punched the wall suddenly, and snarled.
Xander moved to stand in the door. "He's been doing that for three hours, now. And he won't let me get close enough to see anything other than this." Shone a flashlight on the wall near the crouching vampire, lighting up a stain of fresh blood and the imprints of knuckles.
"Xander.... Why don't you... Just wait. Let me see what I can do, ok?"
"Want the flashlight?"
"Sure."
He handed her the small light, and, with one last glance over his shoulder, left the closet, calling back, "I have to be at work in five hours. Anything you have to do to get him to be quiet would be really good."
"On it," she called back to him. She advanced slowly, keeping the beam away from his face. "Spike... You were doing good."
Whimpering sound, and he pressed against the wall, as if he was trying to disappear into it. Soft, unsure growl.
"Spike.... Come on... There were no voices... It was better. A lot... Why don't you talk to me instead, ok?"
He licked his lips. "..they came back.." Very quiet, almost inauditable.
"Well, let's talk over them, ok?"
He shook his head. "Not-" Motioned around them, at the closet itself. "-here." Tapped his bumpy forehead. "*Here*. They all.. always come back... Show me.. what I did.." Sudden growl and punched the wall again, with his already bloodied and bruised knuckles.
She reached out, caught his fisted hand in an iron grip. "Stop it."
He flinched at her touch, and tried to jerk his hand back. "If I hurt, they don't call for it. Let me go!"
As he jerked back, she jerked forward. "No."
Growled. "Let. Go." He sounded so... vicious, but his eyes... his eyes said otherwise. Lost. Scared. Doing the only thing he knew to make the memories go away.
Her eyes softened, but her resolve was the same. "I can't, Spike..." Softly.
He looked at her, golden eyes glowing in the dim light that came in through the still partially open door. "..please.."
"We'll stop it another way."
Slowly, his fisted hand relaxed, prompting her to drop it. He licked his lips, and then ran his tongue over one of his fangs for a moment, was quiet. Contemplaitive. Just.. crouched there. Brought the other hand up to rub at his forehead. "I don't think there *is* another way," he said quietly, finally.
"We'll find one, ok? 'Cause this has to stop."
He shook his head, whimpering softly. "I tried! I tried to stop. And it worked, for awhile. I helped. I helped Xander, and I helped you. Even though I don't think you wanted my help, then..." Cocked his head, confused.
She shook her head. "Unexplained spell. But I'm glad you did."
Blinked, looked up. "I helped, then?"
"Yeah, you did."
He nodded a little, and brought one finger up to draw in the blood on the wall. Growled softly. "Coming back. They're coming back soon."
She made a protesting noise. Change the subject. "Dawnie has a gang at school. Just like me."
He looked up at her. "Still mad at me. She is, you know. I see it. I feel it. Everyone's mad at me for something."
"But they all want to help you still... We're all trying to help you."
"Why?" Whimpered, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. "I'm a horrible thing. You know that. You told me."
Oh... The guilt pounded at her chest as sure as his fist had the wall only minute ago. "I... Things are different now. Even the way people are."
Spike blinked, then closed his eyes tight, putting the heel of his hand against his forehead, as if he could push the voices out with pure strength. "I can't... I don't... Evil, disgusting thing. Beneath you. I'm beneath you..." Was rocking back and forth now, whimpering amid his words. "She said it first... Cecily.. But she's gone now, too... Felt it... You're here, but you said it... Deep inside... It hurts... Hurts..." Trailed off into a whimpering wail.
She moved closer to him, tears of guilt and sympathy welling up in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Some time during his rant, he'd finally lost the game face, but the whimpering didn't even get quieter. He pressed against the wall, unable to get any further away from her. "Don't touch me... I'll just... It'll.. Hurt you.. I'll hurt you again.. Go away!" A keening whimpering sound for punctuation.
"No. No." She reached out, shook him a little bit. "That's what was wrong last year. Everyone just left everyone else alone. We're not doing it again. *I'm* not doing that again. I will not walk away from you."
He froze. Looked at her. "..you.. won't?"
She shook her head, a small, sad smile at the corner of her lips at his helpless tone. "I won't."
"Promise?"
So lost, this new but old Spike. "I promise."
He blinked, started to move toward her, then pulled back. "I don't want to hurt you..."
"I don't want you to, either. I don't think you will."
He moved toward her again, then paused, blinked hard, and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. Quietly, "It was a nightmare..."
"What was a nightmare?"
A half shrug. "You asked, before. What started it. I had a nightmare." Kind of a sheepish tone. He felt kind of silly that a nightmare would get him punching the walls.
"It's gone now."
Tapped his forehead. "I have instant replay."
Her hand wrapped around his finger, and she pulled it down gently. "Only if you hit the button."
A half laugh. "I don't have buttons."
She gave him a smile. "See then? No worries."
Licked his lips, looking at where her hand held his finger. A sudden whimper. "What if I can't do it? What if they come back, and I have to go back down again... back down in the dark... I don't think I... I can't do that again.. I can't..." Whimpering got louder.
Her hand slid to hold his wrist gently. "You don't. You won't. See? You have a place. You and Xander."
A half snort. "He doesn't even like me. I don't like him, either."
"But... I don't always like Dawn. But it's her home, too."
He gave her a strange look. "Niblet's your sister. You don't have a choice. Family. Friends. That's the difference." Looked at the floor. "I don't even have one of those."
Buffy shrugged. "You wanna get down to it, neither do I. Dad? What Dad? Mom.. died. Dawn... she's a mystical embodiment of energy. But I do have a family. My friends. We're dysfunctional... but it's what we have."
"What *you* have," he said pointedly. "I'm a bug. An annoyance. Something that they wish would leave."
"Maybe they- we did. But we don't now. We need each other now. We don't want you to go. Neverminding Xander's bluster, if he really hadn't wanted you, you wouldn't be here."
A strangely hopeful look. "Do you think... I can have friends?"
"I think you already do."
Blinked at her, head cocked, doing a very good impression of a confused puppy.
"Me and Dawn. I mean, Dawn's upset, but... it's only because she cares so much."
"You? After what... After what I... almost..." Started to whimper again, blinking hard, looked down and away from her.
She fidgeted a moment. "We're different people now."
He was... shivering. Trembling, and still wouldn't look at her. "Not enough... I could still... I might.."
"No you won't."
Risked a glance up at her, still shivering. Looked back at the floor. "Wish I was so sure..."
Sympathy pulsed through her with every heartbeat. His eyes had shimmered with tears as he had glanced at her. Poor Spike. So unsure. So.. broken. But healing, just the same. "Spike..." Her voice full of her emotion. "I *know* that you won't."
Barely glancing at her, he moved closer, pausing when he was barely half a foot away. A quiet whimpering sound, nothing like the keening, high pitched version that he'd been doing earlier, was coming from deep in his throat, and one tear was making a track down his cheek. He wiped at it, violently. Said quietly, "You sound so certain."
She wiped his face slowly. "Because I am."
He trembled at her touch, and moved closer again, before his pride got in the way and made him pull back. Wanted nothing more than to be comforted, but wouldn't let himself seem weak. He already felt embarrassed enough by what she'd seen of him since he'd been back. Licked his lips. "You can go... I'll be okay, now.. Won't wake up Harris again."
She grinned. "That's hard to do in the first place." She smoothed a piece of his hair. "You sure?"
Trembled again, unable to gain complete control. Managed to tone it down to a small shudder. "Yeah.." Looked at the floor.
She sighed. "I'm so tired. I don't think I want to go home."
Glanced at her. "You can have my cot. I'm already on the floor." He didn't want to lock eyes with her. There was some part of him that was certain, that if he made eye contact, he was going to launch himself into her arms.
Shook her head. "Nah, I'll just grab his couch."
He nodded slowly. "Oh. Okay." Studied the wall.
She tilted his face towards her. "You're gonna be ok to sleep?"
He focused his eyes on her arm, rather than her face. "I should be up, anyway. It's night."
She used her free hand to direct his eyes to hers. "Spike..."
He bit his lip, hard. Closed his eyes. "Buffy, don't... I don't want.. I can't..."
"Look at me." Quiet entreaty.
He opened his eyes slowly, the trembling starting again as he looked at her. His muscles tightened, physically having to restrain himself from hugging her. His eyes glistened with unshed tears. This was what he hadn't wanted to happen.
He had never been able to refuse her requests. Why was he upset again? "Spike, I-"
He couldn't hold back from doing what he needed to do. With a quiet whimper, he leaned toward her, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her shoulder, snuffling quietly.
She sat still a moment, shocked. Spike had pretty much refused to touch her in any way at all since he had been back. Refrained even from looking her in the eye. Her arms went around him slowly, and she rocked back and forth gently.
He whimpered softly, shaking slightly, let her rock him, still crying silently on her shoulder. Every now and then, a quiet, "Sorry.." would slip out.
"Shhh... All right... It's all right."
Spike kept up that quiet whimpering, and didn't show any signs of releasing her any time soon. He was still sniffling, and nuzzling her shoulder a little, in between the muttered apologies.
Her hands slowly moved up his back, in small circles, patting here and there, like her mother had done when she was a little girl, having nightmares.
Slowly, the whimpering quieted, and a very quiet purr began. The shaking toned down to a very slight trembling.
Meanwhile, another set of eyes watched from the doorway of the closet. Xander stood there, watching the pair. He never would've admitted it, but he was a little worried about the vampire. Worried enough that he hadn't been able to get back to sleep. He told himself that he was just worried that Spike would attack Buffy again, but, if that was true... He couldn't rationalize the first aid kit that he held in his hand.
"There... there..." Buffy mumbled. "See? It's ok..."
Spike nuzzled her again, and his grip loosed around her slightly, in preparation to pull away. Maybe to go back into the corner.
Xander didn't know if he should clear his throat, alerting them to his presence, or should just keep silent until he thought they might need him. Chose the second option.
"Hey... Why don't you get in bed, now?," the Slayer said gently, soothingly, patting Spike's arm a little.
He pulled back from her a little way, and nodded slowly, moving toward the cot, his body language showing deep embarrassment. He'd just done what he'd been trying to avoid doing since he'd been back, and he felt... exposed. Wiped at his cheeks for a moment, trying to clear away the evidence of his breakdown.
She stayed on the floor, and wrapped her arms around her knees. "Spike?"
He glanced toward her, seeing Xander out of the corner of his eye, but not focusing on him long enough for an identification.
"Crying... it's ok to do. It... let's things out. It's when you don't let it out, that things get bad. I know."
He nodded, climbing slowly onto his cot. "I know... I just don't like it."
In the doorway, Xander shifted, and Spike truly noticed him for the first time, a small growl of suprise was his reaction.
Buffy stood, spinning to face the direction Spike sent the growl.
Xander held up one hand and the first aid kit. "I, uh.. Thought you guys might need this... Saw the blood on the wall earlier."
Spike cocked his head, the soft growl changing to a sound of confusion. Since when did Harris want to help him?
Buffy smiled at him. "Thanks. Bring it in. Join the party."
He looked at Spike nervously. "He's not gonna snap at me again, right? You calmed him down."
Spike just watched, his head still tilted to the side.
"He's fine, Xander."
"He's staring at me..."
"Yes, he has a mouth, too. If he speaks with it, will it unnerve you?"
A small chuckle from the vampire, and the young man. Xander sighed. "Only if it involves aiming his fangs at my arm again."
Spike shook his head. "No fangs."
Buffy nodded. "No fangs."
Xander nodded and came in slowly, sitting on the floor near Buffy and handing her the kit. "So.. What happened?"
Buffy shrugged. "Bad dreams. He feels better now."
Xander gave a small nod. "Oh." Looked at Spike. "You aren't going to do that again, right? Because I have enough sleepless nights as it is."
"I'll be sure to try not to." Slightly sarcastic.
A smile curved Buffy's lips at the slight glimpse of the Spike she had known. "Hands, Mr. Aggression."
He gave a half sigh, and held out one hand, bloodied knuckles up.
She opened the first aid kit on the bed, and cleaned his hands, not bothering with bandages, because they'd close within the hour, and they all knew it.
He cocked his head, watching her, acutely aware of Xander's presence in the room. Finally, he said quietly, "Well? Don't you have something to say, Harris?"
Xander looked up from his spot on the floor. "Like what? I already asked you not to keep me up again."
Spike was confused. Harris had seen him break down before, he was sure of it. So why wasn't he rubbing his nose in it? Oh. Must've been cause of Buffy. In reality, that was only part of the young man's reasons.
Xander had seen Spike like that only two other times. Once, at.. at the tower. And the other time had been the funeral. Just like then, something was deeply wrong with the vampire. But, unlike those times, Buffy was *here* to help him. What he'd witnessed a few moments earlier made him glad that he'd agreed to take the vampire in. Albeit grudgingly. What would he have done if he'd been alone in that horrible basement when one of those nightmares... No. Night*terrors* had hit him? He probably had been alone before, and it.. scared Xander. No one, debatably evil or not, should be alone when they're scared. Especially not *that* scared. He'd tried for the better part of three hours to get Spike to talk to him, to calm down. But he'd been unsuccessful. And now he knew why. Spike hadn't needed just anyone. He'd needed Buffy. And Xander was glad that he'd called her.
Buffy smoothed her thumbs over the already closing and now cleaned wounds. "Looking better already."
Spike gave a small nod. "Thank you, Buffy."
Xander pulled himself out of his inner musings and stood up. "Uh.. You know, since we're all up, how about food? I have some, I'm relatively sure."
"Mm... sounds good. You have to promise to let me sleep on your couch, though."
He nodded. "Oh yeah. Actually, I'm gonna have to go to work in... I am not wearing my watch. So I have no clue. I'm pretty certain that it's far too soon, though."
She nodded. "I've gotta be up at 6:30. I left a note for Dawn."
"Ah. Okay, then." He left the closet, heading for the apartment's small kitchen.
Spike just sat on the cot, watching blankly.
Buffy looked at him. "Aren't you coming?"
The vampire shrugged. "I'm supposed to stay in here."
"He just invited us to food. I'm hungry, and I want company. Move."
Yikes. A command. He got up before he even was able to think about it. Followed her out of the closet, blinking at the brighter lights and the sound of Xander rooting in the fridge.
"Whatcha got, Xan?"
"From the top? Milk. Old pizza. Cheese sticks. An apple, and two blood bags." Made a face. "I need to shop."
"Yes you do. Cheese sticks. Warm them puppies up."
He did as she asked, and, without even asking, warmed up a mug of blood, leaving it on the counter as he brought the cheese sticks into the 'living room' and flopped on the couch.
Spike moved through the kitchen slowly, getting his mug and leaning against the doorway.
"Spike!" Buffy called, without turning from her flop to the couch. Slapped the cushions beside her.
Xander gave her a little look for a moment, but shrugged and ate a cheese stick.
Spike moved slowly, settling down next to Buffy, with her between him and Xander, hugging one of the couch arms with the hand that wasn't clutching his mug.
She munched on one end of her cheese stick, and flipped on the TV. Handed one to Spike.
He looked at it for a moment, then at his mug, then noticed Xander watching him. Smirked for just an instant, before dunking the stick.
"Uuggh," Xander commented.
Buffy winced. "Ewwww...." Turned it to WE, Women's Entertainment. She hid a smile at seeing Spike willing to make Xander uncomfortable.
Spike, enjoying the attention, as well as the reactions, dunked the stick again, before sucking out the cheese. Noisily.
Xander fake gagged. "See what I have to live with?"
Buffy shuddered. "Yup." Crunched another stick.
Spike chuckled, very softly, and ate the rest of the stick the normal way, before downing the rest of his mug.
Buffy laughed, but in less than ten minutes, was dozing sitting up.
Xander was a step further, actually asleep, leaning sideways on his arm of the couch.
Spike, meanwhile, was watching the early morning news quietly, listening to the breathing of his companions.
Buffy put her legs on Xander's lap, and leaned her head against Spike's shoulder, a tiny snort escaping her as she slept.
Spike couldn't help the small smile that made it's way to his face. Even more so when one of the Slayer's hands came up and fisted in the shirt over his stomach. He was warm, and relaxed. And for the first time in... who knows how long, he felt.. safe.
Sleep must've been contagious. The feeling of Buffy's head on his shoulder, combined with his full stomach, relaxed feelings, and the soothing sound of the Slayer and Xander's breathing, Spike was doing his best to hold his eyes open. It wasn't long before the vampire had dozed off as well, his cheek resting atop Buffy's head.
It also wouldn't be long before the alarm clock in the bedroom went off, and the two humans had to go about their lives, but.. For right then, it was a rare, peaceful moment for all three of them. And, for a night that started out confusing and slightly scary, none of them could think of a better ending.
If they'd even been awake to do so.