Title: Selfish
Author: Salianne
Pairing: Shaun/Zach (from the movie Shelter)
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~2600
Summary: The day of the move to LA.
Disclaimer: Sadly - I don't own the boys - this is just for fun.
It was something he was not familiar with. For as long as he can remember – he's been the one who sacrificed. Jeannie always seemed to need so much. Even as a little kid, Jeannie was demanding and only thought of herself.
Now that she had a child of her own – it was like her world view only got smaller.
He just didn't get it.
But that was Jeannie and he loved her for no other reason than he was supposed to love her. She was his sister. And once Cody came into the world…well…what could he do – he was stuck with her whether he loved her or not so he might as well focus on the brotherly-love-part and try to make life with Jeannie as bearable as possible.
Mom would have expected nothing less from him, after all.
Mom.
These days he found himself wondering more and more often what the hell she was thinking when she married Dad. He was so out of her league.
Sort of like I'm out of Shaun's league?
He couldn't stop asking himself the question: What was Shaun thinking? Shaun is the shit and I'm just…not.
He tried to shake off the feeling of worthlessness and put another handful of his crap into a box.
Looking at the contents wasn't helpful.
Not in the least.
All of his stuff was…well…crap. It was either old or weathered or cheap. Most of his clothes were either splattered with paint or threadbare from salty air and over-use. He didn't own pants that didn't have holes in them. His shoes were…gross.
The nicest thing he owned was his wetsuit. Some things are worth the investment.
It was lost on him that Shaun felt the exact same way about him. Shaun knew that Zach…Zach AND Cody….were worth everything. It made no sense to him – none at all.
It had been so long since he felt loved – truly loved – for no other reason than because he existed. He wasn't sure how to accept it as real. In his whole life – it was only his mother who ever looked at him with eyes that melted him a little from the unconditional that was never far from the surface.
Until Shaun.
How was he supposed to wrap his head around that?
He wove the flaps of the box together and stacked it on top of the pile next to the front door of the tiny house that still felt like a prison he was escaping. Shaun appeared in the doorway to grab another load and smiled at him.
"Hey. You O.K.?" Shaun asked.
"Yeah." Shaun's never ending concern still left him feeling a little unbalanced. "Where's Codes?"
"He's busy trying to be like his favorite uncle." Shaun smiled before running his thumb across the stubble along his jaw. "He's in my truck drawing a picture of the house. He says he doesn't want to forget what it looks like."
"I'm his only uncle, you know…"
"That doesn't make you any less amazing in his eyes." Shaun tilted his head and grabbed a handful of short hair playfully. "Or mine."
God. He didn't know what to do with that. He nudged Shaun's chest with his palm and ducked his eyes shyly. "Shut up."
"I'll keep saying it until you believe it." Shaun pulled his head closer until their lips met in a soft kiss that promised so much more. "You about ready?"
He kept his eyes closed for a few second to let it all sink in. The feeling of Shaun's fingers wrapped around his head - the feeling of the lingering warmth on his lips from Shaun's kiss - the flavor of Shaun's breath and the way his voice left his chest aching a little – it was all just so much to absorb. When he finally opened his eyes he found himself looking into his lover's smirking face. "What?"
"Nothing." Shaun chuckled. "You want to grab those?" He pointed to the last two boxes before he picked up the two that were stacked on top of them and stepped toward the truck. "Let's go, Babe."
He picked up the boxes and turned to take one last look at the life he was leaving behind. This is it. He stepped out, closed and locked the beat-up door for the last time, and walked toward his future. Once he dropped his load into the back of the truck he turned to face Shaun. "Are you sure about this?"
"Zach..." Shaun sighed.
"I'm serious Shaun…" He interrupted. "…it's a lot of responsibility. I mean, it's not just me – it's Cody and Jeannie's no picnic and who knows what kind of trouble she'll find in Oregon. I don't even have a job and there's…"
"Zach."
"What!" He hated how loud it came out.
Before he could figure out a way to apologize for almost yelling he felt Shaun's arms snake around his waist. Once he allowed himself to be pulled into a full-body embrace he felt Shaun's words float across the shell of his ear. "Maybe I didn't make myself clear last night. I love you. I love Cody. And I'm sure."
He laughed more to relieve himself from the stress of his guilt. "You mean before Cody crawled into the bed between us and ruined the moment?"
"Hey!" Shaun spoke in a tone that was meant to be taken very seriously. "He didn't ruin anything. The poor kid was scared and sad. The little guy had just watched his Mom drive away and leave him behind. I was really happy that he felt comfortable enough with me to count on me to help make it better. Besides, we are going to have many, many, MANY moments."
This isn't real. "Promise?" He asked in a flirty way, hoping to break some of the tension he had created.
"Oh yeah." Shaun kissed him. A serious kiss this time. A kiss that reiterated that promise in no uncertain terms. "Now get your beautiful ass into that truck and let's go."
"I'm stopping to see my Dad, remember?" He asked with an edge – feeling like he had already asked for way too much for one day. "I'll just meet you at your place. Don't unload without me."
"Our place and I'll pick up dinner." Shaun said before giving him a final kiss and opening the door of his own truck. He had Cody's bed strapped to the roof and he tightened the ropes before he climbed in.
"Cody! Let's go say goodbye to Grampa." He said through Shaun's open door.
Cody looked up from the notebook he had borrowed from Shaun's backpack and almost whined. "I want to go with Shaun."
"Codes! We don't know when we'll see Grampa again – don't you want to say goodbye?"
"I want to go with Shaun." Cody sounded adamant.
He looked at Shaun. Shaun shrugged and smiled weakly. "You heard him."
"Fine." He sighed. He actually couldn't blame the kid for not feeling too much for the old man. It wasn't like his dad had made any effort to be even remotely kind. Just thinking about it made his eyes well up from the fact that Cody would never know how wonderful his grandmother was. "I'll catch up with you guys later."
~*~
It only took a few minutes to say goodbye. Between the meds and the general apathy that was just his father – there wasn't a lot to say. He told him that he was taking Cody to live in LA. He dad asked why and that's when he realized that Jeannie hadn't told their father what was going on. This left it up to him to tell the old man that BOTH of his children were moving away.
Bitch.
He reassured his father that he wouldn't be too far and he would come back to visit as often as possible.
His dad told him not to bother.
He wasn't surprised.
He swallowed hard before he told his dad about Shaun. He wasn't sure what to expect – except that he expected it to be bad.
"I warned your mother not to coddle you."
And that was it. He can't even look at me.
He walked away thinking that if he's gay because of his mother – then he was sure being gay was a really good thing to be.
Because before she died, his mother was the best thing in his life – the only good he ever had.
Until Cody.
And Shaun.
He drove fast.
~*~
When he pulled up to the apartment complex he checked his map-quest to make sure he put in the right address.
The place was spectacular.
It wasn't an apartment complex at all. It was a rather stunning complex of condos with a view of the ocean.
And Malibu wasn't exactly LA.
Shit.
He pulled into a parking space across from the open garage door that belonged to the condo he would be living in with Shaun. He noticed that Shaun's truck was already unloaded – including the twin bed that had been strapped to the roof. He closed his eyes and gripped the steering wheel until his fingers ached. How am I going to ever be able to afford this?
"Uncle Zach!!" Cody was obviously excited.
He opened his eyes right before Cody opened his door and grabbed his arm to pull him out of the truck. "Come see my room!!"
"Hey Buddy!" He tried to hide his panic-attack. "You already have your room set up?"
"I have a closet and a dresser and a desk!" Cody spoke fast. "And my bed has Batman sheets and TWO pillows!!"
"Really?" He looked up to see Shaun standing at the door of the garage with his hands in his pockets. "Where did you get all of that stuff, Codes?"
"Shaun said it's mine now!" Cody explained.
"He did?" He asked Cody but looked right at Shaun. "Where did Shaun get it?"
Cody pulled on his arm, "Come on!"
Cody pulled him though the garage and into a bright kitchen with marble counters and stainless steel appliances. The kitchen opened into a great room that was furnished with leather and rich woods. There was a fireplace and French doors that led to very large patio over-looking the ocean. He was pulled through this room too fast to take in any more of the details and into a hallway that led to three bedrooms. Cody's room was the last door on the left. The room was painted blue and was furnished with a matching oak bedroom suite that was designed with kids in mind. Everything was low profile and looked like it was easy to keep clean. His closet was huge and Cody had his own bathroom.
"Wow." He gasped. "Codes…this is…really…"
"Cool!!" Cody squealed.
"Yeah." He said and tried his best not to cry.
"Hey Cody, why don't you go hop into the bathtub. It's getting late." Shaun said from behind him. "I left bubble bath in there for you."
"Cool!" Cody said before he disappeared into the bathroom.
He felt Shaun's arms wrap around him before warm lips pressed against the back of his neck. "You look overwhelmed."
"God, Shaun…" His voice was shaky. "…I can't afford this."
"I was planning on living here anyway…"
He spun around in the circle of Shaun's arms. "It doesn't matter. I can't expect you to take care of me…of us…and I can't afford a place like this – not even with a roommate."
"I'm not your roommate." Shaun corrected.
"Shaun…"
"Please, Zach. Can we save this for later? Please?" Shaun kissed his nose. "I just want to enjoy our first night here. We'll figure it all out later. O.K.?"
"Can I make it bubbly?" Cody yelled from the bathroom.
"Just push the white button next to the faucet." Shaun yelled back.
He heard the distinct sound of Jacuzzi jets. He rolled his eyes. "You've got to be kidding me…"
"He was very excited about the bubble-maker in the bathtub." Shaun smirked.
He smacked his forehead into Shaun's chest. "Oh. My. God."
Shaun chuckled and squeezed him tighter. "Let's get you fed. Cody and I ate already."
~*~
A few hours later he found himself buried under cool sheets, surrounded by no less than ten down-pillows. The giant bed felt like a cloud and was perched in the center of a room that was mostly windows and looked out onto mostly ocean. It was the most amazing view he could have ever imagined and the moonlight that filled the room only made it more so.
He felt really tired. He closed his eyes and let himself feel the mixed up emotions he had been battling all day. It felt like he had stepped into an alternate universe.
Soon he felt Shaun crawling between the sheets, his warm body felt comforting as it wrapped around him. "He's asleep."
"I can't believe he fell asleep here. He hates new places."
"It doesn't feel like a new place to him." Shaun explained. "He said he likes having his own room."
He opened his eyes and looked into Shaun's. "He never liked his own room before."
Shaun smiled. "That should tell you something."
And in the way that only Shaun can – he nailed it.
It did tell him something. Cody felt safe. Safer than he had ever felt in his entire short life. And it was because of the man who was laying close enough to smell.
And he smells so fucking good.
"Do you think I'm selfish?" Because I feel really fucking selfish.
He wasn't sure how it was possible, but Shaun managed to get even closer. His body was halfway on top of him and the weight felt reassuring. He felt Shaun's fingers lightly brushing tears from his cheeks.
He hadn't realized he had started crying.
"You are the least selfish person I know." Shaun reassured him. "You're probably the kindest, most giving human being I've ever met in my life. You always were, Zach. You get that from your mother. You are the best of her. She would be so fucking proud of you."
He was really crying now.
"God, Zach. How can you not know?" Shaun said before kissing him. "I am so happy you're here. I am so happy Cody is here with you. I love you. I love Cody. Do you love me?"
He couldn't speak so he just nodded and cried and felt like an idiot.
Shaun just smiled and kissed him again. "Nothing else matters. We'll figure it all out. Together."
He swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded again.
Shaun positioned himself so there was no space between them. "Good. Now that we've settled that…"
Shaun nudged his nose into the space between his ear and shoulder and he very willingly bared himself for his lover. He felt Shaun's teeth graze the skin of his neck and shuddered. "I missed you so much. Missed this." Shaun said before sucking hard enough to leave a mark.
"God…"
"I'm going to be selfish now, Zach." Shaun whispered into his mouth before he began trailing hot, wet kisses down his chest.
As he felt the divine suction surrounding him, he wondered how he ever thought he could give this up. This man, this feeling, this life that he never in a million years imagined he would have.
Or deserved to have.
Shaun made him almost believe that it was O.K. to take refuge in the shelter of his love.
He still felt selfish – like he was taking so much more than he would ever be able to give…
…but he knew that he would never stop trying.