Update. This is't Jade. I'm just her friend. I'd just like to inform (to anyone whom this may concern) that you shouldn't be angry with her. She was having a really tough time and I guess I'm just so ignorant and stupid that I didn't realize how much she'd changed. I don't want to make this any more painful than this has to be, so I'm just going to say it. Jadelyn is no longer with us.
I'm reposting her stories so this can be a nice way to remember her. Because writing always seemed to make her really happy (what would I know anyway)...
-Mia
AN- Hello, all! This is Jade here! (If you read my Shake it Up story, NightShade, I am still feeling like butt because of my idiotic brother. ) Oh well. I hope you like this. It's inspired by 'Hate Me' by Blue October. It's a great song. The band in general is great! You should check 'em out. Especially Hate Me and She's My Ride Home because they are two of the most awesomely disturbing songs ever. Anyway, on with the story! (Read on, awesome people!)
Disclaimer: [Insert Witty Disclaimer Here] (I feel like butt, so I'm not making one up. Just assume that I am not a man named Dan Schneider in his 40s.)
Freddie POV
I have a problem. I know I do. And I'm accepting the fact that I'll most likely die because of it. So I just don't understand why she keeps trying to save me. I'm a lost cause. Even more so than before because I've finally pushed her away. At least I thought I had. It all started last Sunday night.
"Hey Fred-o. You okay?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
"Seriously. You've been acting weird."
"Just go away."
"No. I want to help you."
"Sam, just stay the fuck out of my life. You're not doing me any favors by getting involved in something as miserable as my life is. You'd just make it worse."
"You can't keep pushing people away! You had such a great future and now it's all going down the drain just because-"
"GO. THE FUCK. AWAY!"
"Not until you'll let me help you."
"I'D RATHER DIE OF MY SO-CALLED 'PROBLEM'."
She didn't say anything. She just turned and walked away. I'd done it. I've successfully pushed her away. Because it's what's good for her. She doesn't need some asshole like me dragging her down. I did the right thing… didn't I?
So why don't I feel any better about it?
I inwardly groan as I hear the answering machine beep for the millionth time today. In a moment of rage, I reached up to it from my position, crouched against the wall between the couch and the table, and I threw it as hard as I possibly can. There was a loud thud against the wall, but the answering machine still seemed to work.
"Hey Freddie… it's me… Sam. I know this might sound weird, but I just wanted to know if you were okay. Ya' know… if you took your meds and stuff. You kind of…scared me last night. You seemed nervous… and I- … it made me nervous. I just need to know that you're all there. Freddie… I… well… you know I love you, right? Please call me back. Just so I can be sure that you're okay? Well…. Bye I guess."
She had been leaving messages like this since the incident last week.
I took a glance at the now empty glass bottle…
before it was empty, it had vodka or whiskey or something of that sort in there.
But that doesn't matter.
What does matter is that I can still remember all the details of what I said to Sam yesterday.
And I don't want to remember.
I checked to see if anyone was watching before I swiped another large bottle off of my shelf, though I was the only one in the apartment.
Within the next few seconds, I had decided that just drinking away my pain wasn't going to do it.
Without voluntarily thinking about it, I smashed the empty bottle and found the sharpest shard I could find.
I glanced at my wrists, still scarred from last week.
I lift the shard to my hand, slitting open the largest vein I could find.
I smirked a bit at the sight of the blood gushing from the wound I created.
Maybe if I was gone, she'd realize how much better she could do…
Before I could finish that last thought, everything went black.
I woke up in a hospital, and there she was, crystal eyes brimming with tears. Her golden curls fell to her stomach when she sat.
Despite being an emotional wreck, she was still the most beautiful women I have ever seen.
I remember wishing she'd smile like she did, when things were the way they used to be.
I wish she had looked at me like I was the most disgusting thing she had ever laid eyes on.
Or even as if I had betrayed her and she wanted nothing to do with me ever again.
But she didn't.
The expression she gave me was one of sadness.
She just sat there, crying silently and holding my hand up to her face.
She sat like that for a while until she whispered something, her voice shaking. It was barely audible.
"How could you do this to me?"
Like she was crying over the fact that I would do this to myself.
And nothing had ever made me hate myself more than seeing her like that…
A wave of guilt washed over me as I remembered all the times she had held my head up late at night, when I was too drunk to even hold my head up. Up until last weekend (when the incident happened) I had been sober for three whole months, only because she had helped me. And I'm what keeps tearing us apart. Because I'm exactly what I promised myself that I'd never be. I always promise I'll never touch it again, but I keep going back. In a sick way, I almost want to thank her because while I was busy waging a war on myself, she was the one who took care of me. She stopped the fight. And the fact that she won't leave me disgusts me. I'm not worthy of any of it. I'm not worthy of the kindness she's shown me. I don't deserve all the second chances I've had. Above all, I don't deserve her.
Having her hate me used to be the thing I feared most. Back then I'd have done anything to prevent that, but now I crave it. I want her to hate me. I want her to hate me so badly that it almost hurts. I want her to hate me in ways hard to imagine. I want her to hate me because she's always been there for me even when I've abandoned her in her times of need. Because then she'll finally see what's good for her. The fact that she doesn't tortures me constantly.
I try to justify all the wrong things I've said and done to her in the past week. "She says that she loves me, just to throw it in my face." That one's complete bullshit. For some unknown reason, she loves me. And I love her with everything I have. I just have an extremely shitty way of showing it. Here's another one. "She forced me to compliment myself when it was way too hard to take." Now that's a shitty excuse. I come up with 'excuses' for my behavior when they really have nothing to do with it. I just want to figure out why the hell she'd continue to waste energy on me.
So I'll do what I've done since last weekend. I'll still sit here. And I'll wallow in self-pity while trying to find why she still supports me, though for the life of me, I can't think of any reasons.
Somewhere between the shitty excuses and the self-pity, I decided to take a walk. It was early, about two-thirty in the morning and I was fine until I passed it. Bushwell Plaza. I collapsed on the ground in front of it, sobbing. Because it was then when I realized that she was the one person who's been there for me through every single stupid decision I've made, no matter how wrong I was.
And of course, I had to go and fuck everything up.
I bury my face in my hands as someone walks past. They look down at me for a second in passing and I assume I don't know them until a few seconds later when they double back to take a second look.
I lift my head to look at the stranger and its…
"Sam?"
She looks torn between emotions, like she doesn't know whether to be glad or to slap me.
"Freddie."
Her eyes soften when she says my name.
"Sam…"
"Yeah?"
She sits about a foot away from me, not looking straight at me.
"You should hate me. I want you to."
I can't see her whole face since she won't look me straight in the face, but I can tell her expression is one of confusion. She doesn't speak, so I continue.
"You deserve someone better. Who you don't have to constantly watch. Who can do everything for you that I never did…"
She looks at me out of the corner of her eyes, still not looking directly at me.
"I don't know if I can hate you…"
Her voice is shaking and I can tell that she's almost in tears.
"This doesn't change anything, but I love you… just thought you should know."
I stand up and start my way towards the street.
"Where are you going?"
"Somewhere far away, where I'll never cross your mind."
"That's not possible. I'll think of you no matter how far away you are…"
She offers a sad half-smile.
I don't know how to respond to it, so I just keep walking. But then I realize that there's something that I need to do before I leave. I turned to Sam and cupped her face in my hand.
"You know you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen?"
And with that I put my lips against hers and you can tell that there's a sense of finality to it. That we're not going to do it again. It lasts about eleven seconds when I see a bright light on the right side of the street.
This is my chance.
I run out in front of the truck as fast as I can, before it could pass, and as I'm staring into the high-beams of the semi, I hear one last thing.
It's quiet in comparison to the truck, and the voice is trembling and possibly crying.
"I hate you, Freddie."
It hurts to hear her say it.
I feel like I've just been shattered into millions of pieces, but there's still a smile on my face.
I got what I wanted.
That ironic smile was the last thing I saw as I drifted away and the scene faded to nothingness.
AN- I know, the ending sucked. Please review despite that! It'd really make my day. So thank you for reading!
PLEASE R+R
-Jade
Aka