Disclaimer: Not. Mine. Dick. Wolf's. Clearly.
This is an(other) A/O oneshot from when Alex is in Witness Protection. Enjoy!
Fear is a state of mind. For some people, it's a constant state of mind. It's not foremost in my brain every single minute of every single day, but it's always there, in the back of my head, ready to assault my senses whenever I start to relax.
Sometimes, fear can be a good thing. Fear tells you to put on your seatbelt when you get in a car, to put on sunscreen when you're out at the beach, not to walk alone in the park at night. To look behind you every five minutes to make sure a burly man named Cesar Velez isn't following.
But sometimes, fear can be debilitating. It's the fear that keeps me awake every night, the fear that won't let me leave my house after the sun goes down, the fear that won't let me call my Olivia.
I've started a million billion letters to her that I know I'll never send. They all end the same way: I miss you, Olivia, and I love you so much. I wish I could have brought you here with me.
She made me a scrapbook for our first anniversary, of the two of us together. She'd worked for months on it and was so proud to give it to me, and I promised her I'd cherish it forever. I've brought it with me even though the feds tried to discourage it. "You're being selfish," they said. "If they find you, they might hurt Detective Benson, too." I raised an eyebrow and reminded them that it was a long ride to Wisconsin. Then they gave up the fight.
I have a particularly good way of disguising my fear, with an icy façade. It works with everyone except for Olivia. She could always see right through the cool front I tried to portray. She was amazing. She knew just when I was feeling sad, when I was feeling scared, when I needed a hug, when I wanted to be held, and when I didn't. She knew when, "Go away," meant, "Go away," and she knew when it meant, "Please don't leave me here alone." And when she said, "I love you," it took my breath away every time.
Olivia was never good at expressing her sentiments verbally, but I knew she loved me just the same. It was in the little things she did, the way she would send flowers to my office every Monday like clockwork (lilies – my favorite), the way she would refuse to turn on the heat when we were in bed at night even when she was sweating, just because I was huddled underneath all the blankets and a pile of sweatshirts, shivering. It was in the way she gave me her sweatshirt whenever I got cold, even if she was cold too, the way she would grab the car and pick me up at the front of the restaurant when it rained, so I wouldn't have to get my hair wet running out to the car. It was in the way that she would pull me onto her lap and rub soothing circles into my back whenever I'd had a particularly hard day, soothing away the tension in my muscles. It was in the gentle kisses we shared, in the beautiful love we made, in the tenderness of every embrace.
She treated me like a princess. And I miss her so, so much.
And that's my greatest fear. That I'll never see my Olivia again.
Review if you liked this little oneshot!