I immediately regret doing this. I regretted it since the moment the train took off from the station. No, wait. I regretted it the moment I woke up this morning. If only it were an hour earlier. I would just forget this whole idea about joining SOLDIER and go back to sleep. What a ridiculous thought. But even though I knew this was gonna be a bad idea since this morning, I still trudged all the way here, boarded the train and watched as we left the station behind. There was no amount of physical protesting to stop it, jump off and run back home.
No, all the protesting was in my head. It was like my body had no amount of strength left in it to stand up. As if I were possessed by something and couldn't stop myself from continuing to put this mistake into action and cross the point of no return. What am I even doing here? Just to prove to myself and everyone else that I CAN do this..? To finally have something to speak of? Goddamn.. my stomach is in KNOTS. My heart is pounding so hard it's causing my whole body to vibrate. I have no strength to get the conductor to stop the train because every ounce of it is being used to keep myself under control and refrain from having a panic attack.
Cloud leaned his head back against the seat and gulped down deep breaths in hopes of slowing his heart down and to ease his tense stomach. He was so nervous he could barely work up the nerve to ask the stewardess for a glass of water. Eventually one came around and politely asked him if he needed anything. If she hadn't, Cloud would've just gone without for the whole trip. The cool liquid was a welcome sensation for his stomach.
As he stared out the window at the passing scenery, he tried to unravel the mass of tangled negativity in his head and reassure himself that everything will be alright. He smiled at the possibility of actually being a proficient warrior and impressing everyone. A situation Cloud has never experienced in his life and has always sought after. For once, he wanted to excel at something and be envied. He wanted others to turn to him for advice. He wanted attention. He wanted to be proud.
Maybe it won't be so bad. This is what I've always wanted, isn't it? Leave it to me to constantly second guess myself. This is going to be awesome. There's gonna be a lot of guys jealous of me. It'll sure shut the ones up who didn't think I could ever amount to anything!
Cloud smiled for a second and tried his best to hang onto the optimism. Yet, he couldn't help but sigh and let his smile drop after a bit. Optimism isn't really his thing.
He glanced around the car; it was scantily populated. A few groups of people as well as a few loners dotted the compartment. No one sat next to or directly in front of Cloud, which he was thankful for. He just wanted to be alone to endure this internal torment. It's what he's used to. The seat he was in was quite comfortable despite the rest of the car looking slightly dilapidated. The sky was overcast with layers of dark and light gray clouds. Small drops of rain could be seen on the window. The train was going too fast to notice it was sprinkling outside otherwise.
At least I have a few hours before I actually have to do anything. Maybe I can catch a nap before we arrive.. All this stress is sapping my energy like crazy.
Cloud leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes. I wish I knew why things had to be this way.
..No.
Everything will be alright. They have to be for once.