Title: Coffee Cups and Caffeine Drops
Author: Water-Soter
Written For: infiniteviking
Prompt: Five people who can't stand Gibbs's industrial-strength coffee (and one who can, but only because it's from him). Bonus points for including Fornell somewhere.
Archive: Absolutely, take, take!! Just please do contact me if you are so I'll know where you're posting it so I can add it to my author's notes.
Pairings/Main Characters: Tony and ensemble.
Genre: Mostly Humor but with plenty of Angst. It seems I can't do one without the other.
Series: Five Parts
Feedback: Absolutely! I'm new at this, so please don't burn me at the stake. Comments, suggestions and constructive criticism are always welcomed. Be honest, I'm hard to offend.
Rating/Warning: PG-13, canon character death
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the NCIS characters. I just love to torture them.
Word Count: 7,376
Summary: Agents come and go, but some things never change. Tony-centered.
Author's Notes: This story was written for the NCIS Ficathon. It takes place during several timelines, from preseason including Jag intro to current episodes so there will be spoilers. This is probably not what you had in mind, infiniteviking but I hope you like it anyway. Thanks to Scifi-Lemon and for the beta and inspiring me to do better and to Cassie for looking over my fic and inspiring me to keep going, and Annie for looking at my story at the last minute, you guys are awesome. English is not my first language, so if you spot any mistakes, please point them out so I can fix them. Hope you guys enjoy!
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Tony stared at the drink like a rabbit would a rattle snake. He had learned never to take anything from strangers, or ex-girlfriends, or anyone that looked at him funny. So when Abby, who never hid her extreme abhorrence for him, placed a Styrofoam cup the size of a small continent on his desk Tony considered making a run for it.
"What is it?" He glanced around the cubicle, but Viv was off doing something and Dobes was out in the field doing grunt work. Gibbs was with the director and Ducky was in autopsy. All of them too far to be any help in case Tony needed saving. And he would need saving if the glint in Abby's eyes was anything to go by.
"It's coffee." She said, her devilish grin practically tickling her ears.
Tony leaned back on his chair in a futile attempt to put some distance between him and the coffee he knew was laden with strychnine. It didn't seem to bother Abby as she bounced in place, a feat in those high heels, and leaned into his personal space despite the desk, computer and knickknacks. Her face was inches from his. The warmth breath sending shivers down his spine despite Tony's best efforts.
"Gibbs's special brew." She pulled back so abruptly Tony, along with his chair, nearly stumbled backwards onto the carpeted floor. Instead, Tony's hands slam on his desk to keep his body from following.
All this and Abby smiled and crossed her arms over her very ample chest. Tony's eyes strayed there before remembering the dangerous drink and the forensic specialist that could kill a man and not leave any evidence. "Gibbs is with the director."
Amused green eyes narrowed. "It's not for Gibbs."
Now he felt like a mouse with a looming cat. It had become such a common feeling when dealing with Abby. Much like walking on eggshells in a minefield was with Gibbs, or being spun around then jerked to a halt was with Ducky. The only normal ones were Viv and Dobes. Though Dobes, Tony had a feeling, was on his way out and Viv had a habit of stepping on Gibbs's toes.
All his years in law enforcement hadn't prepared him for working at NCIS. At the time, Tony had long worn out his welcome with the Baltimore PD and he'd been looking for his next B-something city. The job offer had come at the perfect moment and going from Baltimore detective to federal agent was a huge leap. Any sane person and their mother would have jumped at the opportunity.
The place hadn't been anything like Tony was used to. It was fancy, something closer to the life he'd left behind when he'd joined the academy. Things worked. He had his own computer and desk instead of having to share with any number of people. The restrooms didn't smell like something had crawled down the toilets and nested. There was carpeting on the floors instead of the thin and broken tiles of various stations. And he could now afford to have a two bedroom apartment instead of a hole in the wall.
It had perks and Tony loved perks. But the downsides occasionally balanced out the fringe benefits. Such as a bastard for a boss and a Goth who slept in coffins and wanted to stuff Tony in one.
"I don't really drink coffee, Abby." Now he went for polite instead of flirtatious as he had their first disastrous meeting. The first hadn't done him any favors with Abby and the latter worked only so far as to keep her from biting his head off.
"It's not for Gibbs, Tony," Abby grabbed the cup and thrust it forward, missing his face by inches. "I just thought that we hadn't given you the proper welcome, so I got you some of Gibbs's special coffee." Tony didn't become a good investigator by not following his instincts, and right at that moment they were screaming for all they were worth. And Tony wasn't stupid, no matter how many people thought the contrary. Abby turning a new leaf, overnight, and in regards to someone she had despised from the first meeting was as likely as Gibbs breaking out in a fine rendition of Gene Kelly's singing in the rain. Still, Tony hesitated, feeling trapped between a rock and a hard place.
If he didn't take, drink it, whatever sliver of an olive branch she was offering would go down the drain faster than the titanic. If he did, Tony would either end up with the runs for a week at best, or the hospital at worst. Well, he hoped that it would be the hospital, but he didn't know Abby well enough.
"Listen, I didn't put anything in it. I swear, it's just Gibbs's regular coffee." There was stark honestly in those green eyes and Tony couldn't find the lie in that statement. Though he had no doubt she was up to something, it didn't feel like the risk it had been moments ago.
"Okay, er, thanks." He hesitated on the smile, kept it genuine and not the half dirty half flirtatious he was tempted to do.
Cautiously, carefully he took the cup, brining the bitter broth to his lips for a drink. All the while he kept a firm eye on Abby's expression, but it stayed the same with that unholy glee sprouting out of every pore.
He took a sip, and nearly chocked. The sheer bitterness of the coffee exploded in his mouth. His tongue burned from the taste and he nearly chocked. His eyes filled with unwilling tears and his throat felt like sandpaper. Blindly he reached for his pack and pulled out a water bottle he kept there. It was pure heaven even if the water was temperate.
When he stopped chocking and looked up, Abby was nodding to herself as though confirming some theory. It hadn't been the expression Tony expected. He thought self-congratulatory, or smug – even though there was some of that – mostly it was a hearty disappointment that Tony couldn't decided if it bore well for him or not.
"Gibbs can drink the whole thing." Abby added in equal parts mocking and challenging.
Internally, Tony grimaced. Of course someone like Gibbs could drink that arsenic disguised as coffee. Gibbs could drink antifreeze with a side of rat poison and not even bat an eyelash. The man was barely human. The only thing keeping from Tony suspecting a pod person or android was the rare smirk that softened his stoic features.
"Of course, you're not Gibbs." The jab stung like the burn of a bullet striking his gut. It was stupid he knew, letting her get to him like that. But there was something about her little smirk that rubbed him the wrong way. So throwing caution to the wind – not to mention taking his life in his hands – he grabbed the cup and downed it like it was water.
Of course, the moment the dark broth reached his throat, he choked. His struggled against his gag reflexes and his churning stomach. He focused his mind and just breathed through it. He'd had worse, although not really because as bad at Jacks, or Vodka, or Tequila had been, none them felt as though he was being burned from the inside out. God, how did Gibbs drink this stuff!
The sensation faded after a few minutes of gulping air. And Tony felt secure enough; he lifted his head and gave her his most infamous shit-eating grin. Because he not only survived the Gibbs's broth from hell, he'd managed to gain some footing with Abby.
The elation only lasted a moment, and Abby must have known it would because when Tony's limbs started doing a fine imitation of a jacked-up speedster, she merely padded him on the head, and said cheerfully. "Only Gibbs with his intestines of steel can drink that."
Tony didn't hear much after that over the roaring in his ears. His body went numb and dark spots dancing up and down his vision. He couldn't get air fast enough and his heart was doing a fine imitation of a drum on crack.
Everything went white then black and then there were pretty colors sparkling around the room. And when things weren't dancing the Macarena around him, they were taking funny shapes and talking to him. Some distant part of his brain tried informing him that inanimate objects couldn't really talk, or move without help. At the moment, he was too fascinated to care.
I like puffy candy! One squishy thing stated and Tony agreed wholeheartedly.
"Puffy candy is the best." He muttered. There was a loud noise and Ducky's face swam into view.
"Ah, there you are Anthony." There was something heavy on his arm but he couldn't raise his head enough to look at it. And that was interesting, because last thing he remembered he was sitting at his desk. His mind started to clear, and the room stopped shifting and the furniture wasn't shifting around as much. It was enough for him to note that not only was he lying down, but he was prone on one of autopsy's slabs.
"Am I dead?" His voice was raspy and throat dry. Speaking even a few words hurt a lot.
Ducky chuckled, and the gentle pat on his shoulder hurt his oversensitive skin. "Not at all, though I fear you may be wishing you were in a few hours."
Tony was already wishing he was. His head was a bundle of jackhammers and ice picks. His body felt like an electrical current was running through it. Even his worse hangover paled in comparison.
"Abigail has been quite concerned with your well being."
The snort came out before he remembered his headache and felt it explode throughout his brain. "She's the one that tried killing me." Instead of the accusing tone he wanted, his voice came out sounded young and frail at the edges.
"Well, for a trained forensic specialist, she must not have done a good job." Tony groaned when Ducky slowly lifted him up and stuck a straw in his mouth.
"She gave me Gibbs's special coffee." He muttered between the wonderful sips of cool water. Tony wasn't sure if he was in heaven or hell.
"Ah," The doctor chuckled lightly then carefully set him down back on the slab. He was going to have nightmares about this while situation, he just knew it.
"Then if I may be so bold." Ducky waited until he had Tony's undivided attention. "May I recommend you avoid trying to imitate Marines, Anthony, not only do they appear to have intestines of steel, but I am told they also possess a set of 'brass ones'." He added with a twinkle.
That he didn't doubt for a second. Tony already learned his lesson, but he suppose it never hurt to have it reinforced. His estimation of Gibbs's humanity had taken a plunge. The man was not only a bastard, but an indestructible bastard at that. "I'll make sure to remember that." Not like this experience was leaving him any time soon. But Gibbs aside, Abby was clearly psychotic. Sexy, but psychotic, hot as hell, but psychotic. And even if Tony occasionally liked to live dangerously – and with those short, plaid skirts and those leather boots Tony was temped – but there had to be a line drawn somewhere. So Tony was drawing his line in the sand. Stay away from Abby, keep insides on the insides. His new mission from now on.
That lasted until the moment said Goth bounced into autopsy all apologetic and gave him a very steamy flirtatious look. "Hey, Tony! I'm glad you're feeling okay. Caf Pow?"
Tony eyed the massive drink – he didn't know they made cups that big – and the sexy lips. Well, he never did like lines anyway. And it wasn't like Abby would try anything in front of witnesses.
Ducky shook his head sadly from where he'd scuttled off to, "Anthony, will you never learn."
As far as he was concerned, it was work the three days of throwing up and the shakes when he returned to work, his favorite tea on his desk and Abby giving him a look that would make the devil blush.