Zusammen Geschoben
Post-Pusher (MSR-RST-Angst-Scully POV)
Rating: Mature (R/NC-17-Depending on the reader)
Title Translation: Pushed Together
Summary: After absorbing the events of Pusher, Mulder tries to push Scully away.
Feedback: Of course, positive or negative, they all have a place in a writer's life. powerofxfanfiction .
Disclaimer: All characters/stories/references belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions, Fox and a lot of other big players—I am merely having fun—don't waste your time chasing me down. I promise all you will get is student loan debt.
I tug at Mulder's hand and we both turn away from Modell's unresponsive form, leaving another monster to die alone in the dark. It is late; the corridors of the hospital are mostly empty. The silence is deafening. I notice that I am still holding onto Mulder's hand and that it feels comfortable, almost natural. He is miles away and doesn't seem to notice. We walk out of the hospital into the night.
S-Are you okay, Mulder? You haven't said very much since…
Since what? Playing Russian roulette with a demented man, almost killing me and/or you? It was normal for him to be in a mental state of shock. Physically he was going through the motions. But with Mulder, I never worry about the physical. It is that beautiful, dark, complex mind I have come to obsess over.
M-Maybe I am tired? I don't know, Scully…being with Modell, feeling his power over me…it was exhausting.
I disengage my fingers from his and touch his forearm instead, rubbing it softly, showing him I was here and I wanted to listen.
M-Let's get you home.
I sigh. He wasn't going to give me the chance to help or heal. He walks a few steps ahead of me, opens the passenger side door and I slip into my rightful place. He walks around the front of the car to reach the driver's side, takes his own place, and starts for my apartment.
We arrive at my apartment first. The ride felt both too long and too short. The silence that had haunted the halls of the hospital had settled between us in the car.
S-Do you want to come up? I can make tea. We can…talk?
Mulder turned and looked at me, offered a small smile, which I knew instantly was forced. His real smile made my heart stop, made my skin flush, and affected my entire existence.
M-I should get home, get some rest. We will have mounds of paperwork to do on this mess.
S-I can go in early, start the process. Take a day. Let me…
He cuts me off.
M-I need to work. You know that is how I…cope.
I nod. I look at his face, every feature, hoping to find a crack in the wall where I could slip in. Nothing.
S-Goodnight, Mulder.
M-Night, Scully.
I leave the car and walk towards my building. When I reach the main doors and look over my shoulder, he has already disappeared into the blackness, and my heart breaks a little. I don't know what I was hoping for but I know it was more than this.
I've been lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. I wear only a worn, grey FBI academy t-shirt with black boy shorts, but I feel claustrophobic in these clothes, in this room, in this bed. It is too warm; I lay on top of the blankets, the oscillating fan offering little bits of cool relief. I think about Mulder, lying on his couch, the glow of the fish tank illuminating his face in the shadows. I know he is lying awake, too. He hardly sleeps as it is. After today, sleep would be even more evasive to my dark hero. I close my eyes and see his face. The face from earlier—scared, confused, determined…determined not to hurt me. Those are the moments that will creep into my nightmares. How easily it was to point the gun to his head and pull the trigger? My heart stops at the memory. He could have died right in front of me; I was powerless to stop him. But when I was in his line of sight, his hand trembling as he pointed the weapon towards me, there was an internal struggle, a desperate fight to maintain control. I was that important. Yet here I am, alive and very much alone. My heart aches for him. My whole being wishes he was beside me.
I hear a knock at the door—I am half convinced I imagined it, but it comes again, slightly louder. I look at the clock—2:14 a.m. It has to be him. I practically jump out of bed and race towards the door, afraid he will change his mind and leave. I push my state of dress to the back of my mind. I just need him here with me. I pull the door open without checking the peep hole and there he stands. In black jeans and a black t-shirt, he confirms my suspicions that sleep was eluding both of us.
M-I'm sorry it is so late…I…
S-Come in, Mulder. I wasn't sleeping.
He steps inside, closing the door behind him. He turns to me and takes a quick head to toe assessment.
M-You were in bed-damn it .
He speaks in almost a whisper. The storm is raging inside of him. I can see it in the way he stands, the way he hesitates to get close.
M-We can talk about this tomorrow.
S-Talk about what? Please don't leave, please.
I reach out and grab his hand, leading him away from the door, into the darkness of my living room. We sit on the couch and I am still clinging to his hand, convinced if I let go, he will disappear into the black of night. I reach with my other hand to turn on the lamp, but he stops me.
M-Leave it, Scully. I think it might be easier.
S-You're worrying me.
He pulls his hand away from mine, rubs his hands together as he stares down at them. I am anxious, almost sick, waiting.
M-I think you should ask Skinner for a transfer. Out of the X-files.
I wait for the punch line. There has to be something, some plan or hidden agenda. I ask for a transfer out and then we work together to close the net around the syndicate. Or maybe I could access more records, more proof if I worked for a department with higher security clearance. But he doesn't say anything.
S-Why? Why would you want me not to be with you—work with you anymore?
A million conflicting urges course through my body—I want to vomit, scream, hit him, and cry. I want to cry until I can't cry anymore.
M-I can't have another day like today. It was too close. I was too close to killing you, Scully. I can't watch you be put in danger, time and time again, because of me. Because of the life I chose.
S-That's not up to you. You don't get to decide. It is my choice. I get to choose, too. This is my life, too. And you were just as close to death today as I was. Closer, actually. What about you? Who is going to take care of you?
I am angry, but my voice is riddled with sobs I am trying to conceal. My whole body hurts. Breathing is becoming harder to do.
M-When it was me—just me—they had nothing to take. I had nothing worth taking. I could have been a piece or pawn in any game-I accepted that fate.
I am only half listening, trying to calm myself down. It feels like my heart is being squeezed.
M-But with you, Scully…
He gently tips my chin up to look into his eyes, aware that I have been looking anywhere except for his face. I resist for a second…but only a second.
M-But with you, Scully, they have something. They have the key to my unraveling. They have the ability to make me hurt more than I have ever hurt before. You mean everything to me—do you understand? I need you so much that I will push you away just to keep you safe. Safe from me and safe from people who will stop at nothing to hurt me by hurting you. I don't care about the truth, Scully. My truth now is protecting you. Because…
My heart is pounding; a single tear slides helpless down my cheek. I want to will it away. I want to be stronger than this. But there is strength in his words; a strength I didn't know existed between us.
S-Because what?
I keep my eyes fixed on his. Even in the dark, I see him. His voice is softer, but the intensity doesn't waiver.
M-Because I love you so damn much. I'm so in love with you I don't know how I would live without you, but I will try if it keeps you safe. I will hurt so you don't have to.
He lets his hand fall from my chin, it settles on my thigh. His skin touching my skin, the heat of it, causes me to shiver.
S-We are stronger together, Mulder. You and me—this—
I reach for his other hand and place it on my chest.
S-This is bigger than any person, any conspiracy, and any monster. My heart belongs with you. Don't make me learn to live without you. I'm in the safest place I can be—with you, Mulder. With the person that loves me…with the person I love. The person I need. The person I want.
I crawl into his embrace and wrap my arms around his neck so tightly. The hands of God couldn't move me. I settle into his lap, his arms just as tight around my waist. I pull away just enough to gain access to that beautiful mouth. I want to taste his words and his want. I want him to feel how much I need him. I need him so much closer to me. I want him inside of me. I want to feel the weight of his body on my. I want to taste the salt of his skin as he thrusts inside of me. I want to feel him come inside of me. I want him to make me come like I know only he can.
S-I love you…I love you…I need you…touch me…
I am chanting sweet nothings and with one swift movement, he has pulled my t-shirt off and tossed it into the darkness. He kisses, licks, and softly bites my neck, shoulders, and my hard nipples. My thighs instinctively wrap tighter around him. He stands with little effort and I feel like a ragdoll in his arms. He carries me to bed, lays me down, and looks at my breasts in the moonlight. I feel exposed yet beautiful. Like a goddess being worshiped.
M-You are so perfect. Every inch of you is so perfect.
He pulls his t-shirt off. He pushes his jeans down and with them, black boxer briefs. His body is lean, the muscles defined, and seeing him stand before me like this causes my thighs to tremble in anticipation. He slides a finger around the satin waistband of my boy shorts and I left my hips, making their removal easier. He gently pushes my hips back onto the bed. His mouth drops to the cotton covering my mound. His hot breath teases my clit; my entire center is wet and ready for more. His thumb grazes where his mouth just was and I whimper.
S-Jesus…Jesus…just…please…
My ability to form a sentence has left me and those boy shorts are finally being pushed down my legs and to the floor. I can't seem to open my legs wide enough—I want him so bad. He positions himself above me, lowers his chest to mine, his hips press against my hips. His cock brushes against me and a moan escape my lips. I open my eyes to see him looking down at me with lust, fear, anticipation, but more than anything, love.
M-Can I make love to you, please?
S-Yes…yes…yes…
And within seconds of my reply, he is inside me. He fills me up, reaching places I never knew possible. It only takes a few thrusts for him to find the rhythm I want. Sex has never felt like this. My whole body responds to Mulder and I know I will never be able to do without this closeness.
M-Tell me when you are close…I want to come with you.
He kisses me deeply, slowing down, pushing deep inside of me. I wrap my legs around him wanting to feel every inch. After a few deep dives, I feel my body start to react. My muscles contract around him and it is his turn to whimper.
S-I am coming. Fuck…oh God…Mulder…come with me. Come in me…
And it happens. I feel him fill me and after a few seconds, he stops. He is still inside of me. I rub his back, making small circles with my fingertips. His face is nestled in my neck. He finally pulls out of me and I instantly want him back. He falls to his back, pulls me to his chest, and wraps the sheet around our us.
S-We have to be together. Nothing can come between us. Promise me.
He turns to look me in my eyes, brushing a few red strands of hair from my face, and kisses my forehead.
M-Nothing can pull us apart, Scully. They will try, but they will fail. It will only push us closer together. I promise to spend the rest of my days on this planet as close as possible to you.
He kisses my mouth with a tenderness that takes my breath away.
M-As long as I have you, I have everything.
S-You have me…you have me…
I whisper this over and over, this mantra, until we finally fall asleep.