Chapter one
I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all
I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow seems colder now
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
I want to go back to believing in everything
-Evanescence
Walk down the mile at the end of the aisle; give your life to my charms in the admiral's arms.
The music blasted through my mind clearing away all the problems and replacing it in a fantasy world. Where my life was almost perfect. My fantasy world was shattered though when the voices of my parents rose. No matter how high I turn my music up, I can still hear them. Nothing helps.
My life has gone to hell in the past four years. And there is no way to stop it. As I start playing with the blade I bought two years ago I could not help but wonder what would happen if I cut? Would I feel better? Or would I have the pain of the cut to deal with on top of everything else? I do not know. I slowly put the blade back into the bottom drawer under the false bottom I made for it. I look at the clock and realize I am late.
I hurry out my window and down my willow tree, not chancing walking through the war zone our living room has become. The streets are eerily quite, like they know a secret and will not share. I walk faster. Someone reaches out and pushes me against the wall. I am so startled that at first I did not realize who it was and started to struggle.
"Where have you been?" the hissing voice quickly stops all my struggles and leaves my mind to come up with and answer.
"I-I'm sorry. I lost track of time."
All of a sudden, I felt a searing pain in my stomach. I would have fallen down, if not for the bruising hold he had on my arms.
"How many times do I have to tell you I hate excuses!"
He lets go and I fall to my knees. Pain explodes in my back and I fall down all the way. The kicks and punches rain down on my back. It is a good while before he stops.
"Get up!"
I slowly start to get up. The pain is just scarcely tolerable. He grabs my arm in a firm hold and walks me down to a near by gas station. He walks in and gets the key to the bathroom. He comes out and directs me to the bathroom and shoves me in.
"Get cleaned up!"
I walk over and lock the door. I walk over to the sink area and get some paper towels to wash my face and cuts. I grabbed the bag I brought with me and changed into some non-ripped and bloody clothes. As I walk out, he is leaning against a wall with a Hershey's cookies and cream bar and strawberry milk. I walk slowly over trying to prevent any more pain but failing miserably.
He holds out the chocolate bar and milk as peace offerings. He slowly reaches out and pulls me into a bear hug. It takes all my will power not to cry out. I concentrate on what words out of his mouth.
"I am so sorry baby. It will never happen again. I promise. It is just you got here thirty minuets late and you know how I hate to wait."
I slowly realize that it is going to happen repeatedly. No matter what he says? Deep down something will not let me believe him. I realize that eventually I am going to have to leave him or, die. I start to cry and hold on to him, running my finger through his hair, telling him everything is going to be all right, but not believing it myself. Slowly we break apart and I allow the mask I have developed to fall in place.
He looked into my eyes and I wonder what he sees. He slowly leans toward me and gives me a gentle kiss on the lips. Silently pleading with me not to tell and reminding me that he can be gentle as well as harsh. He takes the key back to the gas station clerk. While he is gone, I take the time to wipe away the tears on my check and get compose.
Hands slipped around my waist, and I turn around and see its him.
"How are you feeling?"
I bite back the sarcastic remark that comes to mind.
"Not so well."
I do not want to say in pain because he will get angry again. Besides, I learned a very young age how to tolerate the pain.
"You look paler than normal and you have bags under your eyes. How have you been sleeping?"
"I sleep three hours and wake up having nightmares that drive away sleep the rest of the night."
That is not the only kind of dreams that drive away sleep. The others are more disturbing featuring a tall and dark vampire I have never met.
"How about we skip the party and I walk you home so you can get some sleep?"
"Ok."
We held hands as we started walking. As we got a couple of houses down, I stopped him.
"This is where you should stop. If they see me with you, not only will I get the third degree about where I have been but you will too. I will get gr- "
He was kissing me. It lasted only a few moments, but was enough to shut me up.
"It's ok. I will watch you from here. Make sure you get in alright."
I walk up the porch and immediately here the yelling.
'''They are your sons. You should talk to them, control them, -"
"Oh! No! Don't you dare bring this on me. You are the one who brought them into this world, shouldn't you have some maternal bond with them. And you helped raise them!"
I slam the door shut to try to draw the fight away from where it is going. I start up the stairs, and just as I planned, they stop me.
"And where did you go, young lady?"
"I went out for a walk and as I was coming in the wind picked up and the door got away from me."
"Why were you taking a walk this time of night?"
"I just needed to clear my head. I am going to go upstairs and take a hot bath. Is that ok?"
My mom opened her mouth, but before she could get any sound out my dad said, "it's ok. I will come up and check on you before I leave for work. Ok?"
"Ok."
I could tell by the look on my moms face that my effort to stop the fight failed, in fact it fueled it more. I went upstairs and started running the bath. I got in and relaxed letting the water take away the pain. After awhile I got out and got dressed. I looked in the mirror not recognizing myself. In front of me stood a battered and broken child silently screaming for help instead of the young naively vibrant woman I used to be.
I remember when my life used to be good. The whole family would go out on really cloudy days and go to the movie theaters, theme parks, and have a really great time. I remember when I would have a nightmare, my dad would come in and sing to me until I slept peacefully again. As I stand here looking in the mirror wondering, how we got here. Where did it all go? How did I get to this place? Where is the person I used to be?
I have no answers to the questions I just asked. I want to yell, scream, and cry. Most of all, I want to run into my daddy's arms and feel safe. I want to tell him what is happening and have him make the nightmare that used to be my life go away, but I cannot. Instead, I bottle up all my feelings and slide the mask into place and go answer my door.
"How's my little devil doing?"
I walk over and sit on my bed while he chooses the chair next to it.
"I'm a little tired."
"How's school."
"School is fine and the work I can do in my sleep."
"Well I'll just go and let you get some sleep."
"Daddy?"
"Yea"
"Sing me to sleep."
A smile appears on his face.
"You haven't asked me to do that in years. What would you like me to sing?"
"It doesn't matter."
I lay down, getting comfortable while he racks his brain to think of a song. He sits down and pulls the chair to the bed.
" TIME GOES BY AND GOD KNOWS I TRY TO CARRY ON WITH LIFE
DECIDE NOT TO HIDE THE FEELINGS INSIDE, EVEN THOUGH THEY HURT SOMETIMES,
I FORGET TO REMEMBER YOU
IT'S EASY TO LOCK AWAY THESE PAINS, DON'T WANT TO RELIVE IT THROUGH
BUT I STAYED STRONG, YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO MOVE ON IN THIS WORLD
I MARRIED MY SWEET HEART AND EVEN GOT A LITTLE BABY GIRL
I WISH YOU COULD SEE HER, I SWEAR SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU
IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, SHOW ME A SIGN, PLEASE SEND ME A BUTTERFLY OR TWO
I'M THINKING ABOUT FOREVER (MISSING YOU)
I KNOW WE'RE SO MUCH BETTER (WE MADE IT THROUGH)
NOW I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO LIVE FOR SOMEONE ELSE
TO GIVE UP YOURSELF
THINGS HAVE CHANGED, AT TIMES IT GETS KIND OF STRANGE
YOUR LOVE REMAINS THE SAME
DO I MAKE YOU PROUD? MAMA, CAN YOU SEE ME NOW?
WHATEVER IS GOOD IN ME IS BECAUSE YOU SHOWED ME HOW TO TAKE LOVE THE HAND
AND SO NO I CAN SHARE YOU WITH MY BABY
SO THAT SHE CAN UNDERSTAND
IM THINKING ABOUT FOREVER (MISSING YOU)
I KNOW WE'RE SO MUCH BETTER (WE MADE IT THROUGH)
IM THINKING ABOUT FOREVER (MISSING YOU)
I KNOW WE'RE SO MUCH BETTER (WE MADE IT THROUGH)
IM THINKING ABOUT FOREVER (MISSING YOU)
IM TRIPPING ON WHATEVER (HEARING YOU)."
I lean over to hug him, pushing back tears, trying to find the words to tell him what is happening.
"Daddy I-"
I look at him and the look in his eyes stop me.
"Daddy I love you."
"I love you too, but you need to get some sleep. I don't want you missing school on my account."
He kisses me on the top of the head and leaves. After he shuts the door, the tears start to fall. The words I love you were false. He does not love me. He loves the young woman I used to be and he is so wrapped up that he does not realize that she is gone. I turn on my radio so no one can hear me sob myself to sleep.