A/N - Wow, this is probably the most personal thing I've ever written. For those of you that know me, you'll know exactly where this came from. And gasp! It might not be a one-shot! But it may stay like this. I guess we'll see what happens. haha. Thanks again to all of you who read my stuff and leave me such amazing reviews. You all are the amazing ones.
Anxiety
By: Azfixiation
I keep telling myself to open my eyes, despite the fact that they already are. Surely this can't be real. My fingers reach out to run through the cobalt tresses that are sprawled on my pillow. My heart catches as she begins to stir, a slight moment of fear lodging its way into my chest. What if she regrets this?
The only thing I can think of is to close my eyes and pretend that I'm still asleep. Give her the chance to slip out if she wants. A moment goes by before I feel her shifting, rolling over to face me no doubt. I try to keep my breath even and give no sign that I'm awake. "Oi, Shizuru," she whispers, bringing her hand up to cup my cheek. "I know you're awake."
"No," I mumble, unable to stop the smile as I feel her thumb caressing my skin. No running away. So far so good. Play it cool, Shizuru.
"Afraid I was going to leave, weren't you?" I open my eyes slightly, and the first thing I see is her lopsided grin. How is it possible she knows me so well?
"Maybe I just wanted to see if Natsuki would wake me with a morning kiss," I giggle, not wanting to let my fears push her away. Besides that blush of hers is simply too irresistible.
"I guess I could manage that," she says before propping herself up on her elbow in front of me. "But only if you give me back that mayo you hid last night."
Her eyebrow arches as she looks down at me. Her newfound boldness brings out my own, as I reach my hand behind her neck and pull her down to me without answering. I will not have my Natsuki turning the tables on me this early in the morning.
She doesn't resist when our lips meet, so I continue to pull her down on top of me. "Maybe Natsuki should spend the night every night," I tease further.
"Don't push it," she says as she graces me with another beautiful blush. Our eyes lock before I feel her fingers brushing the bangs from my eyes. "You are so beautiful, Shizuru."
Her lips capture mine once more, gently this time though. As if she is kissing me with all the love she can summon within her. The tears fall from my eyes as I feel her weight on top of me. "Natsuki…"
I can't hold myself back any longer, so I bite gently on her bottom lip, wanting to see how far she will let me go. This is the game we have danced around for so long. Me pushing to see where our boundaries lie. Yes, she loves me. That much is evident. Yet still she has never given herself completely to me. Not her heart nor her body.
This isn't the first time we've been in this situation. Far from it. This is try number… three? Or is it four? Who's going to break whose heart this time, my precious Natsuki?
Her leg slides between mine and instinctively my hips press upwards against her, the softest moan escaping from my lips. It's only when I feel her fingers teasing their way under the hem of my shirt, nails grazing against my skin, that I'm flooded with fear once more. "Don't be such a tease," I nearly pant out as her teeth gently graze the skin of my neck.
She only grunts a response as she kisses her way back to my jaw. "Shizuru?" She jumps off me when she finally realizes that I am crying. Had I even realized I was crying?
"Forgive me Natsuki," I try to laugh, but it turns out more like a choke.
Instead of the sigh of frustration I have become used to over the years, this time she gently scoops me into her arms as she lays back down next to me. "It's ok this time."
"Is it? I don't think I can lose you again," I reply honestly.
"I don't know. Why does it always have to come to this? Can't you ever just let it be?" I can feel the discomfort in her voice. I know she hates it when I am like this. "You're the one who always runs away anyways…"
"Because I don't think I could survive if my Natsuki broke my heart," I say softly. It's the truth.
"Maybe you should learn to believe in me a little bit." Her voice is bitter and the harshness makes me wince. How is it that her body is so soft against me when her words are so cold? Will everything always be at opposites with us?
"How can I believe, when you will never commit? Am I yours when it is convenient?" I push myself away from her and walk to the window, my own arms reaching around my waist as I try to keep my composure.
"Why do you have to be this way!?" Her voice is tense, but how many years can I continue to hold this in? "How can I do anything when you're so afraid of me?"
"I'm not afraid of you. You know that. I'm afraid of myself. And I'm not the one who always leaves. You're the one who left me first."
"And I've done everything I could since then to make it up to you. I love you, Shizuru. Stop running away. Believe in me. No, I'm not perfect. But I love you, ok? I'll… I'll try to show it better, I guess. Just stop running."
Before I can register the depth of her words, her strong arms encircle me as she hugs me from behind. We stay silent as I enjoy the strength her embrace seems to fill me with. "I'll stop running," I say finally as she rewards my decision with a tight hug. "Please don't shatter me, my Natsuki."
"I have to go…"
Her voice is sad, and despite knowing she has somewhere else to be, it seems too painful to let go after such an emotional moment. "You'll call?"
"Of course. Now look at me." As she says this she gently guides my chin to the left as she adjusts so that I can see those beautiful emerald eyes of hers. "I. Love. You."
"I love you too," I force a smile as I say this, but the sinking in my stomach isn't subsiding.
Quickly she changes, giving me another kiss before making her departure. Sure, it's only three days. We've gone years without talking before. It's not that I can't make it. But can she keep her word this time?
Please don't let me down this time Natuski… Not when I've promised so much to you.