AN: Remix of penknife's Practical Arrangement, which you can find on livejournal.
Spoilers: None, really.
Rating: Teen
Disclaimer: *sighs*
Character/Pairing: John, James, Helen, hints of everything.
Summary: It's a practical arrangement, one that suits them both.
Practical Arrangement (The Left Out in The Cold Remix)
It's a practical arrangement, one that suits them both.
The monster in him rages. The man in him despairs. Of course they turn to one another. What else had he left them with, besides the bitter taste of loneliness and the cold embrace of betrayal. He has nowhere to turn, but on himself.
It's several years before James acknowledges the truth of it, which is that it was never mainly about loneliness for Helen and never mainly about sexual frustration for him.
He could see the whole time, of course. The monster thought it was funny. The man thought it was sad. The two people he loves, had loved, as he could, when he could, lie to each other and to everyone else, and most of all to themselves.
She has plenty of cures for loneliness easily enough to hand.
She's not like them, the one's he's killed, no matter what the monster says. The man knows that. But the whispers never stop. It's not wrong, it's not, it's why he loves her, had loved her, when he could. It's why he watches now, why the monster hopes she'll make a mistake.
James has only ever asked her to marry him twice.
The man is not surprised, his best friend has always been the best of men, and the most pragmatic. He doesn't know the details, couldn't, because he's never close enough to hear them speak, but he is not surprised that she always turns him down. The monster reminds him that he knew they'd play him false, but this is how he knows they're true.
It's what she's really here for, although neither of them says as much.
In his darkest moments, when the monster doesn't have to whisper at all to provoke him, that thought blacks out his mind. The man has no right, and he knows it, but he will see them out for the evening or through the window, bent over a microscope, and for one moment, he doesn't fear the monster anymore, because his own darkness terrifies him more.
He kisses her on the forehead and wonders where the nagging sense of sadness comes from.
They break his heart, which is only fair as he broke theirs first. The monster prods him, whispering that they'll find common cause together and hunt him, but it's been years and they never have, not seriously. The monster, who knows only one rage and rush of the kill does not understand that the man would only try to kill them for one reason, and even then, he's not entirely sure how they would react.
He remembers what it felt like to yearn for someone.
Sometimes, he doesn't know who is talking. Who is feeling. If it's the monster or the man, or if they have always been the same thing, and the monster was just the story he told himself to alleviate the guilt. It would be easier if neither of them felt anything at all.
"No danger here," James assures her, and Helen settles against him more comfortably and closes her eyes.
There is danger everywhere. Between them, they have seen to that.
finis
Gravity_Not_Included, May 2, 2011