"Unite me now, Hachiman." I yelped, with each syllable scratching my throat, already dry from the blowjob I gave him. His attempts at reaching my cervix were getting sadder by the minute, as each thrust gave birth to a new form of depression for Hachiman, clear on his face. It got to the point where I said what I said, in a desperate move to save Hachiman from any other thoughts of castrating himself. Again.

"Why can't I do it? It seems IMPOSSIBLE!" He started weeping into my clothes after the whole mess of ropes and BDSM paraphernalia was put aside for another year. I had no idea how to help him, as sad, and almost crazy, as his sobbing was. The whole ordeal was made infinitely worse as it dawned on us that we were twenty-two, not fifteen, and there was little chance of growth for the both of us. With breasts, however, mine grew to a respectable size,and there are some in society that might accept it.

I still haven't seen one girl or woman who like a small dick though, and I've had to work with many business clients, all with a very, very sad sex life. Not as bad as Hachiman, but still. Sadly for Hachiman, this was usually common ground as the women and I would talk about this a lot, and then get into the deal with a newfound respect for each other.

Looking at the calender, it might have actually hit me.

"Honey, what's wrong?" Hachiman looked up at me in half shock, half "I'm ready to jump into a vat of penis enhancement liquid"

"Let's try not doing this each time on April fools." That was a common ground, by coincidence of the date, maybe, just maybe, the rom-com gods were still fucking with him. Although I barely believe it, we've only tried having sex once a year on this very date.

"Let's see if tomorrow works." Hachiman's desperation leaked out from those words, before he left the bedroom to make us breakfast.

April the second, judgement day for us. As if it wasn't nervous enough, my job went as smoothly as rape does, with my client this time ranting for over 3 hours about how she not only was dissatisfied with her husband, but also that she was *this* close to proclaiming that netorare porn and hentai was her lord and saviour. Of course, I just wanted to get into whatever she came to negotiate for.

"Please tell me that you're right, and the rom-com gods were fucking with me on April Fools." Hachiman nervously said as he gingerly walked into the room. I was tired, yes. But if I was right, I was also ready to be ravaged.

As Hachiman undid his belt, and took it all off, I saw the size of his thing. The size of it was like a mammoth, nothing like the almost literal mouse dick of previous years. How the hell did he not notice this?! I felt my vagina tighten hard, and the liquid stated pouring like Niagara falls.

I AM DEFINITELY READY TO BE RAVAGED.

A/N: THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO COME OUT ON APRIL FOOLS, BUT IT GOT DELAYED. This is also proof that, yes, I am still alive. This was awkward as hell to write to be honest, and to anyone who expected a good fic from me after all this time...

YOU'RE WRONG BIACH

have a good one.