Blade to the Heart

It had been raining all day. Dark gray clouds took over the sky, and hid the sun so no one could see it, and bask in its warmth. Hagi wandered the streets of Paris, originally looking for Saya, but a new purpose consumed his reason. Memories of all the two had been through replayed in his head over and over. Usually, he'd ignore these thoughts and concentrate on his main goal: protecting Saya. But today, today was different. Saya had finally put all of the pieces of her past lives together. She'd gone off to find out about Joel's diary.

He knew she had her reasons. Living a life as someone the exact opposite of what she once was so long ago, but living this polar opposite life in the same body. It must've been hard for her, especially finding out some parts of her life in painful flashes that entered her mind, triggered by the slightest sound or image of familiarity. It was almost as though she was living a lie, a sinful life that, no matter how hard she tried, would always be with her, and all the crimson blood she had caused to shed would never wash off of her stained hands, in whatever memory she was focused on that day. It must be so hard for her, and yet, she still tried to live life with a smile, always looking at the glass as half full rather than half empty, something her father told her to do, no matter how bad life gets, and one of the things Hagi deeply admired about her.

But today, her world came crashing down on her positive world, and reality crushed her, smothered her, an impact so great that it'd caused tears to fall from her eyes and stain her face with the regret of what was once. Diva's release was her fault inevitably, though it was purely a mistake, an error in judgement, and then there was Vietnam.

Hagi, without really realizing it, rubbed his right arm the second the events of that day played out in his mind. When Saya had lost all control, her need for killing anything in her path had clouded her judgement and her innocence that made Hagi so attracted to her. This desire even made Saya almost kill Hagi, but even if that was true, Hagi simply discarded the idea from his head, repetitively telling himself that Saya wasn't herself, that she didn't know what she was doing, that she didn't mean to do it. And while all of this was absolute fact to him, still, he felt the pain of not only the blade used to kill hundreds of living things cutting through his flesh, but a similar pain cutting through his heart. The pain caused the minute he realized that Saya didn't remember him. After all they'd been through, and the connection they had, she couldn't even recognize him, and this hurt Hagi more than the sword ever did.

Now, Saya was living a new life, and she was living life as if she were still that innocent girl that first existed so long ago, where most of Hagi's happiest memories lay. But he contemplated, shifted through all of his memories of her, at her highest highs and her lowest low. And he finally came to the conclusion: He was certain that he would never be able to get rid of the pain in his heart. Despite this final conclusion, something in the back of his head kept telling him, or tried to tell him that that was not true. Again, Hagi discarded that thought, for he didn't want to keep such a pestering, lingering doubt.

And here he was, roaming the streets of Paris, searching for her. Kai and Riku headed off somewhere, Haji wasn't really paying attention to them. He's realized that Saya had run off without saying a word, and Hagi went off to find her. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if he found Saya hurt, because he was not there to protect her. If only for a moment, that moment would haunt him.

Ten minutes had gone by and Hagi still could not locate her. It was only until he passed an alley did he hear something...peculiar.

"..."

Someone was crying, and the muffled sobs were echoing, bouncing off the walls of the narrow alleyway. Hagi could easily recognize the tone of the cries as Saya's, and wandered down the alley laid out with gray cobblestones, the walls made of brick with dark green vines growing on them, which elegantly hid the ugly faded graffiti sprayed on the walls. With every step the chevalier took, the sobs became louder, and at the end of the alley a silhouette of a girl with short hair in a jacket and a skirt came into full view. The girl was sitting on the ground, her knees up to her chest, arms wrapped around them, and her head resting upon them, her body shaking with each sob. Hagi appeared standing by her side but she didn't notice until he spoke.

"You read Joel's diary, didn't you?"

Saya lifted her head, looking up at Hagi, seeing the concern in his eyes. She wiped away the tears clinging to her cheeks with the sleeve of her jacket and tried to even out her breathing before speaking back.

"...Hagi, I just... I'm sorry, I just needed to be alone for a minute and-"

"Saya, did you find out what was written in Joel's diary?" He asked again, a bit more sternly this time.

Saya could tell that he didn't want excuses, just the flat-out truth. Easier realized than said. She was silent for a moment, but then finally answered. "Yes, I did." She chose her words carefully before continuing. "I needed to know, Hagi. Everyday for a long while now, I've been so confused. I didn't know who I was, or what I was, or... or anything I'd... the horrible thing that I did. As soon as Kai told me that he knew who I was, and about Joel's diary, I had to find out for myself."

Hagi hadn't heard about this until now. "Kai told you about it?"

She nodded. "Yes, he was the one who first told me how to find Joel, the living Joel, I mean. And he read to me everything written in there, and it was all about Diva and me. And then everything became clear, I remembered everything on my own, like you kept telling me I had to do... but now, I..." Saya tried to keep her warm stinging tears from falling, but with every word she said, it became that much harder. "I just wish I never knew to begin with... I killed so many people, innocent people who had nothing to do with me and I killed them all as if it were nothing. I'm a murderer, Hagi...I..."

She couldn't do it anymore, and the tears fell once again. It was so hard for her to fight the tears, because she wanted to be strong for Kai and Riku. They'd already gone through enough, they didn't need to deal with her crying over her own problems. This was the first time in a while that she'd allowed the tears to fall freely, because they weren't there. It was only her and Hagi, who stood at her side.

He could see how upset she was, who couldn't? But this pain she felt in her heart, for some reason, it struck a nerve with him within his own heart. Everytime she cried, his heart ached for her to stop. He only wanted her to be happy in within this confusing life she was living. And everytime she was happy, he was happy too. His eyes still showed deep concern, and his face held the same emotion as his eyes. "Saya..." was all he could think of to say. Luckily, Saya still had more to say, thoughts she wanted to say but never wanted to, she was simply too scared.

"All of those people...I caused them so much pain...and you, Hagi... I've hurt you most of all...I hate myself for hurting you like I did..." Saya looked at Hagi, trying to see into his eyes, to see what he could be thinking, even though with Hagi, she, nor anyone else could get a solid read on him, but her vision was distorted thanks to her tears.

Hagi stood dumbstruck. He was taken off guard by the words that had escaped the her lips. She... hated herself? For causing him pain? Somehow, he could understand the anguish inside of her heart, it seemed to be the exactly the same as Hagi felt.

He bent one knee and knelt down beside the distraught girl, gently placing a hand on her shoulder. He could feel her shakiness and uneven breathing. He could feel her pain. "Saya, you have caused me no pain. Please don't be upset."

Her gaze was now fixated onto the ground, a particular cobblestone that had a little white flower growing in between the cracks. From the moment he put his hand on her shoulder, a chill ran down her spine, and, overcome with guilt, she couldn't look at him. "But Hagi... I'm the one who let Diva out... I'm the reason all of this is happening... and then in Vietnam... I was a monster and I... I almost murdered you... along with all of those people... I could've killed you...I'm sorry, Hagi..."

Enough was enough. Hagi wasn't going to let Saya talk about herself in such a way: That she was a monster, that she hated herself. For he knew that what she'd said was not the truth. He removed his hand from her shoulder and now cupped in under her chin, forcing her to see him. Their eyes locked and Hagi ceased the moment.

"You weren't yourself, but that does not make you a monster. You shouldn't be speak so negatively about yourself, Saya. You aren't giving yourself enough credit. You're trying to fix your mistake, and that's all that matters. Letting Diva out was: a mistake. You had no way of knowing that any of this was going to happen. So you shouldn't blame yourself."

Hagi wiped away the tears from her fragile face and gave her a light smile. He pulled his hand away, but Saya grabbed hold of it, still shaking a bit. "But this is all my fault. And I know that I've caused you pain, so don't lie to me. I can see it in your eyes sometimes. I can see it, Hagi, so don't pretend like it doesn't bother you."

For the second time that day, Hagi was taken off guard by her remarks. How could she see that he was feeling this, after all the effort he'd put into hiding it? How? He sighed. This girl, he thought, she really is something... this must be why I love her so much, despite...

He caught himself. Perhaps he hadn't done such a good job with hiding it as he'd originally thought. The fact that she knew of his heartache from so many years ago made the feeling of the ice cold blade in his heart return. Saya knew Hagi had not forgotten, and both of their hearts, while neither of them knew it, were calling out for one another, and waiting to be healed and for the warmth in their hearts to melt away the frigid blade.

"Saya... what you did to me, I still carry the memories with me, but you are not to blame for what happened. You weren't yourself, and I'm alright now. That's all that matters. I wish for nothing more than for you to trust and believe me, and to stop feeling so guilty for something you cannot change."

"So...you're really not mad at me?"

Hagi had to smile at this. What a heavy subject they were talking about, and yet Saya still managed to keep her innocent demeanor. Not that she had ever willingly lost it anyway. "Of course not. I could never be angry, or hold a grudge against you. There are far too many other memories that overshadow the ones of that day. Wonderful memories I hold so close to my heart." He lifted his hand while still holding Saya's and placed both over his chest, each heartbeat felt by both of them. His heart was beating in a way that could only be started by love.

Saya, with her tears still streaming down her face was overcome with the words spoken by her chevalier. It was almost as though there was another, happier emotion shining through to her through him, overpowering any and every other emotion. She turned, kneeling to him, and hugged him tightly, resting her head on his shoulder, and she couldn't help but cry just one more tear. This tear symbolized all of the forgiveness within her.

For the third time, she'd done it again, and Hagi was at a loss for words. By pure instinct, he returned the favor and hugged her back, his arms wrapping around her petite frame and holding onto her as if for dear life. He found comfort in this moment hearing the steady rhythm of her heartbeat, feeling it against his chest.

The moment seemed to last forever to the both of them, until Hagi heard Saya's voice. "Hagi, I'm so sorry."

Hearing her apologize made him hold on tighter to her. But this time, he decided to surprise her. "You have no need to be sorry. My love for you is far greater than anything."

As soon as 'love for you' had reached her ears, her eyes widen, and Saya was frozen in place. He... loves me? She thought in disbelief. Not only was Hagi not mad at her, but he loved her. There was another feeling nagging at her, aside from the disbelief. It was a mix of relief and understanding. She couldn't figure out why this was what she was feeling, then again, she couldn't really figure out if what she'd heard was real. Maybe he said something else about love and had simply misinterpreted. Or she could've just imagined it. But why would she imagine him saying that he loved her? What Saya struggled to realize was that those were the words she'd wanted to hear him say for a very long time. She pulled away from Hagi and looked into his eyes again, needing clarification.

"What...what did you say?"

His arms still wrapped around her waist, he replied, "Saya, I love you. You mean more to me than life itself, and I could never have anything else but love for you, no matter what."

Says's heart pumped at lightning speed, and all of a sudden, nothing else mattered to her but him. She knew she loved him too, she'd finally accepted it. She'd wanted him to tell her for so long, for she was afraid to tell him first. She was afraid that he'd reject her, and she didn't want anymore pain in her life. But now, she was floating on cloud nine, and her tears ceased because the love she now truly discovered for Hagi made them evanescent. "Hagi..."

At once, they both wrapped their arms around each other in a soft gentle hug, both pressed up against one another, able to feel the other's heart beat, and cold blades inside of them started to melt. Saya, overcome by emotion, was still trying to register the events in her mind that had just unfolded. She would've jumped for joy if she wasn't in the greatest hug of her life. I don't believe it... he really loves me.

"Oh, Hagi, I love you too..." she whispered to him fiercely. "I love you so much... I never meant to hurt you..."

In that instant, Hagi was so thankful. He had Saya in his life and his love was accepted by her. He couldn't have been any happier. He pulled back a bit. Tucking a loose strand of hair behind Saya's ear, he whispered:

"I will always be with you."

Saya smiled at this. "Just like the promise." The promise they'd made before she went into her deep sleep.

Hagi smiled back at her. Slowly, Saya and Hagi found themselves leaning in closer to each other, as if there was some invisible magnetic force pulling them closer. Neither one questioned it, and neither wanted it to stop. They both closed their eyes and before they even knew it, they were kissing. The feeling was intense, the feeling of longing for the kiss they were meant to share ages ago. Saya felt Hagi's hands caressing her back, as her own were running through his black hair. Bodies pressed against each other again, the incredible sensation only deepened, as well as the kiss.

Eventually, they separated, as loving smiles that couldn't be helped stretched across their faces, and they felt their foreheads connect. They looked into each other's eyes one last time and found something pleasant in both sets. Hagi's eyes held no more burdening pain from the events at Vietnam, and Saya's eyes held no more guilt or sorrow. No more words needing to be said, they embraced, and remained that way for a long time, engulfed in each other's warmth. As the sun set above them, their love had only started to rise.

And the ice cold blades in their hearts melted away, never to hurt them again.

A/N: This is something I wrote at 2AM after watching the newest episode, 'Joel's Diary'. I've been watching the American dubs, not the Japanese version, so I don't know what happens after this episode, but it's my take on how Saya feels after reading the diary (a continuation after they all cross the street, the end of the episode). I think it's pretty accurate, but if not, it's still filled with SayaxHagi goodness! So please review!