EreJean Week, Day 4: Gender
Dear those who read this (particularly transgenders): I have never written a transgender character so I apologize in advance if the way I portray Eren is in any way offensive or incorrect. I had no one to converse with concerning this so I did the best I could with the information given. Also, know that yes, there are assholes in the world, but you should still stay strong. You deserve to live just as much as the rest of us.
Self harm is heavily referenced, as well as other triggering elements (self-hatred, the want to revert, etc)
The door slammed shut as familiar footsteps stormed through the apartment, heels clicking against the wooden floors. Jean glanced up, hands stilling over the bread he had been slicing for their dinner of spaghetti that night. Something smashed against the floor, the thump heavy and distinct enough that Jean could place it as a backpack full of textbooks.
The knife settled on the counter as Jean poked his head out of the kitchen to stare down the hall, amber eyes narrowed with confusion, suspicion, and dread. "Eren?"
Heavy footsteps stormed close, heels clicking with each violent step. Eren whipped around the corner in a flurry of pastels. Her face was dark, cheeks flushed and eyes hard even as tears streamed down her cheeks, streaking the makeup she had so carefully applied that morning before class. "Fuck them!" she spat as she pushed past Jean with a hard, careless shove.
She stomped on a few more steps before she paused for a moment. Harsh, trembling fingers dug into her shoes, struggling for a moment before she ripped them off one by one. The pretty yellow heels hit the ground as she bolted down the door, ducked into the bathroom, and slammed the door shut.
The lock clicked a second before Jean's hand wrapped around the knob but he jiggled it anyway, praying that somehow, someway the lock had miraculously decided to stop working at that exact moment. Naturally, it failed to turn, catching on the tumblers hidden within. "I hate them all! Dammit!"
Jean knocked on the door as he pressed his cheek to the white wood, desperate to be a little closer, to hear a little more. "Eren, open the door. Or at least talk to me. Please, Eren. Don't make me unlock the door."
The rough sob that met his words was a white-hot knife straight through the heart. Something slammed against the counter. Drawers rattled open and objects shifted as Eren dug through, searching for God knew what, though Jean had a sneaking suspicion. It didn't help the tight, frigid curl of dread that sat smack in the middle of his stomach.
"Eren. Please Eren, open the door. Don't do it. Don't let those dumb assholes get to you, don't let them make you… make you… Please, Eren." He couldn't bear to see more blood on her skin or scars on her wrists. To see the insecurity and hatred and isolation in her beautiful blue-green eyes. There were already too many scars, too much of that pain in those soulful depths. "Eren…"
A quiet sniff, a soft thump. No harsh sobbing, no weak laughter. Just a soft sniff. "I hate them…"
"I know you do, and I do too, but talk to me. Don't shut me out, not now. Not again. Please, Eren…"
Those few seconds between his words and the click of the lock nearly made his heart burst with all sorts of anticipation. The thoughts running rampant through his skull didn't help: imaging finally unlocking the door from the outside to see her arms smeared with blood; to have the door opened before a lithe body flung itself at him; rushing Eren to the hospital; hugging her and kissing her and telling her all would be fine one day, someday, maybe sooner than she thought.
The bathroom door swung open beneath his hand. The drawers of the sink had been jerked open, their contents in a chaotic disarray. A pair of scissors and several small sharp objects - razorblades, shards of glass - littered the countertop. I guess I didn't find them all. Fuck, I'm not surprised really.
Teary turquoise orbs flicked up from where Eren had slumped onto the floor, her makeup smudged and running down her cheeks, smeared from incessant swipes of her hands and the thick flow of tears. The pretty golden skirt and flowery shirt she'd been wearing had been cast off, leaving her in a white tank top and underwear.
Jean knelt down before her, slow with his movements as though he was dealing with some wild, easily spooked animal. And sometimes, that was exactly what Eren was - a feral, untameable beast on the outside that their world kept trying to force into submission. Little did they know that she was just a little kitten on the inside, not really like the tigress front she put up.
Gentle fingers cupped Eren's cheeks, tilting her head up. His thumbs swept across her cheeks, smearing the makeup and tears even more. "Talk to me."
Eren sniffed and rubbed her nose as her jaw tightened, all too familiar agitation sparking in her eyes. "I hate them…" Her voice was soft, weak, slipping down into her original, natural vocal register. "Ever since that kid found out and spread it, they've been houndin' me about it. Those assholes don't respect me, don't use the pronouns I want… They call me a freak. Tell me to cut my hair and dress like a guy. But I don't wanna."
Slender digits wrapped around Jean's wrist as her forehead pressed to his chest, slender shoulders shaking with hiccuped sobs. "They're… they're a bunch of idiots and bigots… Calling you gay just 'cause I've still got a dick… Fucking assholes… No respect for other people's life choices! And… they're so cruel… The things they say…"
Her fingertips dug into Jean's back as they pressed close together until he could feel the steady, if a bit elevated pulse of her heart through their chests. Jean turned his head, nuzzling the soft skin of her neck, then her cheek as he pressed a tender kiss to the smudged flesh.
"That's because they can't see how special or beautiful you are. They don't understand that you're defined by more than the sex you have at birth. I know their words hurt - I can't stand to hear them say those things about us. It makes me wanna go and break their noses, their faces, beat them until they stop. But when it comes down to it, those idiots don't fucking matter. Not when we love each other, no matter what our dumb asses look like."
Soft lips twitched up against Jean's neck before Eren leaned back, a tiny smile curling at her sweet mouth. There were still tears glittering in the corner of her eyes, but at least they were no longer streaming down her face. "Our dumb asses look pretty damn good. Best asses this side of Trost." The brunette dabbed at her cheeks with a final muted sniff. "I feel so gross. Ugh, crying fucking sucks."
"Yeah, but you still look gorgeous no matter what."
Eren smacked his thigh, but there was no force behind it and there was a tiny grin firmly plastered across her face. "I love you."
"Love you more." Jean kissed his girlfriend's cheek as he rose, pulling her up with him.
And for the life of him, in those few seconds it took to rise, he couldn't see what those guys saw. Sure, there was a little bump in her panties that most girls wouldn't have, but Eren did a pretty good job of tucking. Sure, she didn't have breasts, but there were plenty of girls nearly as flat as she was. Her hair might not have been long, but it wasn't exactly short either with the back brushing the top of her spine and her bangs falling into her eyes.
He couldn't see the man in Eren - no, all he saw was a young, intelligent, stubborn, beautiful woman and nothing less than that. He hadn't seen her any other way since she'd first announced the desire to be female nearly seven years before. They're idiots if they can't value her no matter what or who she is.
Jean pinched her chin with a soft smile. "How about you clean up and get dressed? Dinner's almost ready and it's a nice day to eat outside." The smile he received made his heart flutter and knocked him breathless.
He kissed Eren's nose and glanced back at the counter. The shame in those beautiful turquoise eyes nearly broke his heart. Warm hands curled over Jean's wrists, holding him in place as Eren stared at his chest, ears pink and eyes downcast. "... I'm sorry I lied. I just… I thought I might need them later."
Jean twisted his hands and pulled Eren's arms up so he could kiss the middle of the inside of both wrists where the skin was raised with thin straight lines. "I understand… But I hope you never think that again. I know you will. But talk to me first, no matter what. I'm always here for you, through the thick and thin."
Eren bobbed her head, ears an even darker shade of red, though she didn't look nearly as distressed as she had before. With that, Jean gave her cheek one last peck before he swept the sharp objects into his palm. When the bathroom door clicked shut behind him once more, it did so without the lock. He couldn't deny the relief at that.
The blonde dumped the blades and glass into the trashcan, washed his hands, and finished slicing up the bread. By the time he pulled the plates out Eren had emerged from the bathroom, her face clear of makeup, the skirt and blouse back on, though the shoes had been left behind in their bedroom.
They loaded up their plates and filled their glasses before they headed out to the balcony and settled into the comfy cushioned chairs, Eren's slim ankles resting on Jean's thighs as they basked in the weakening sunlight.
As they slowly ate in silence, Jean couldn't help but trace the veins visible beneath her soft skin as he snuck glances at his girlfriend, from the eyes that positively glowed in the light of the setting sun to the prominent collarbones visible beneath her blouse. "Can I ask you one last question before we move on?"
Turquoise orbs flicked up, hesitant for a moment but Eren nodded, biting back any sarcastic or witty retorts she had for once. "Why the scissors?"
The brunette glanced away, out to the city drenched in shadows and orange hues that caught off every window and metallic surface. "I was gonna cut my hair… Wear your clothes. Be… be a guy again." Her hands were tight, knuckles while from where she clutched as her glass and fork.
Jean set his plate down so he could reach across to catch Eren's hand in his, the hand that was "masculine" to the rest of the world but forevermore "feminine" to him.
"Eren Yeager. Don't you dare cut your hair. It's too beautiful to do something that, especially for douchenozzles like them. Besides, you shouldn't have to change just because some damn assholes don't understand you."
This time, Eren's smile was positively radiant, lighting up his world infinitely better than the sun could ever possibly hope to. She was the true sun, the one Jean orbited around faithfully, never wandering or turning away from her. "Okay."
Conversation was easy after that, full of laughter and smiles and a mixture of comments that slid between coy, crass, and sarcastic. Jean hid the rage pretty well, though the thoughts were never far from mind. Those assholes are gonna pay for this.
Jean pressed the guy's head against the pavement with a heavy foot, pointedly ignoring the groan of pain and the blood that oozed from the mouth smushed beneath his foot. He ground his heel against the college student's jaw before he knelt down beside him. It was probably cruel to apply more weight to his face but Jean was beyond the point of caring. He deserves it.
"Let's get this clear as crystal right. Fucking. Now," he growled with another twisted of his heel. He probably shouldn't have taken so much satisfaction in the whimper of pain but he couldn't help it. Not when he saw Eren's tear-stained face every time his eyes closed.
"You're a piece of bigoted shit. I wouldn't want to walk on you if you were the ground beneath my feet 'cause I wouldn't want you fucking my shoes up. I don't even want to touch you, you filthy bastard, so let's do this one time and one time only. Agreed?"
The young ginger nodded the best he could beneath Jean's foot as his stricken brown eyes stared up at Jean, pupils blown wide and blood trickling out of his mouth. Bruises had already started to form beneath his eye and along his cheek. Hell, he'd probably be black and blue tomorrow from the number Jean had done on him. The blonde himself only had a split lip and that had been pure luck. Jean smirked, feral and wild and all sorts of vicious as he leaned closer, voice dropping.
"If you ever talk to Eren again, you address her by the right fucking pronouns - and I don't mean the ones she was given at birth. You and your idiot friends respect her choice. She is who she wants to be, not who you fucking want her to be. Next time you and your dumbass friends make her upset or cry, I'll put you in the motherfucking hospital. Understood?" The man nodded frantically, desperation filling up those disgusting shit-brown eyes. "Now, what is Eren?"
"G-Girl!"
"And are you going to tell your friends?"
"Yes!" "Sorry, I didn't hear that. Try again."
"Yes!" The young man bolted the second Jean's foot rose from his cheek.
Jean watched him go, blood finally starting to cool. "They'd better fucking learn." And they did.