Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 3
EPISODE 16
Airdate: April 26, 2015
Title: The Roommate from Hell
Segway Segment: Thank You, Heavenly Shorts ("Wade's First Failure, Part II")
Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne, William Daniels as Mr. Robertson
SCENE 1
The Newman Condominium
Interior Master Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
(Buster is sleeping late at night, but he begins to toss and turn and mumble.)
BUSTER: Oh, no. No. No, get away from him. NO, PUT ZAYN DOWN, HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! AAAAAHHHH! (Buster wakes up and starts panting) Oh, cool. It was just a nightmare. Sure beats the last one where I was kidnapped by the C.I.A. Wait a minute. What's that noise?
(Buster begins to hear somewhat of a distinctive chewing noise through the walls, and realizes something important)
BUSTER: AAAAAHHHH, TERMITES! THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!
(Buster starts screaming and runs out of the room with LPC trailing after him. He falls over and trips. Pretty soon, several other tenants come out of their condos and start to complain.)
SCENE 2
The Westboro Complex
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
(The tenants are outside of the complex murmuring amongst themselves while pest control specialists have been called in to deal with the termite problem)
BUSTER: So what happens now?
TENANT: I HAVE TO FEED MY BABIES, PETE!
PETE: Rob...what the hell, man? Calm down. Everybody has to temporarily relocate until fumigation of the entire complex is complete, which will take at least two years.
TENANTS: WHAT?!
PETE: Two weeks. You guys thought that was funny?
ROB: No, we didn't.
BUSTER: What does it mean to temporarily relocate?
PETE: Oh, Buster, it just means that you have to find another place to stay because there are too many termites in the complex. Do you have any friends you can live with for now?
(Buster starts to think, and gets a sly smile)
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
(Buster walks through the door carrying luggage and tries wheeling one of the suitcases inside, but ends up falling over. This wakes up Sparky and Bitch Clock.)
SPARKY: Wait, what...Cimorelli? (Sparky rubs his eyes and checks the time) It's 2:43, who's interrupting my beauty sleep?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, now I know you're interrupting mine.
SPARKY: I'm pretty sure there's someone down there. A burglar! I'm going to go down there and give that guy some hell!
(Sparky goes into his closet and grabs a steel chair)
BITCH CLOCK: Do you always keep a steel chair in there?
SPARKY: Yeah, always. Everybody in TSE does it. Why not?
BITCH CLOCK: You should probably know why not by now.
(Sparky slowly goes downstairs with the steel chair and looks around for the potential intruder. He is now back-to-back with Buster, and Buster screams. However, the scream is indeterminate enough for Sparky to not identify it. He screams as well and smashes Buster in the head with the chair, knocking him down and causing him to scream again.)
BUSTER: Owwwww.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. Buster?!
(Sparky turns on the light and realizes that he hit Buster)
SPARKY: BUSTER, OH MY GOD! Are you okay, buddy? I'm so sorry, I thought you were a burglar. No offense, man, but what are you doing here?
BUSTER: My condo has termites so it's being fubulated. I don't know, some weird word.
SPARKY: Fumigated?
BUSTER: That's it! You've heard of that word before too?!
(Sparky gives the camera a disinterested look)
(Sparky goes upstairs and rolls back into bed. Bitch Clock has a "Well, what happens now?" look on his face.)
BITCH CLOCK: So, did you catch the burglar? Are we going to be on one of those local news channels that all the Hispanics watch?
SPARKY: It wasn't a burglar, it was Buster. He's going to be staying here for a while.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, okay. Wait, what? I don't want your friends staying here, that's not cool!
SPARKY: What are you talking about?
BITCH CLOCK: If Buster stays here, then I'm going to have to use the bathroom to treat myself. And we all know the guest room is my place for that.
SPARKY: You know, if you talked like that in front of my parents, they would chop you up and sell you in a pouch.
BITCH CLOCK: Well, they're not here and I'm not drawing with my pencil in the bathroom.
SPARKY: Look, maybe you can go sleep in a hotel until he leaves. You always said you wanted a vacation away from these ugly, disgusting people you see every day.
BITCH CLOCK: That's true. I do hate people.
SPARKY: Eh, we'll talk about it in the morning.
BITCH CLOCK: Alright.
(Sparky and Bitch Clock both go back to sleep.)
SPARKY: Wait, Bitch Clock?
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah?
SPARKY: Since Buster's staying here, you might want to lock up your booze.
BITCH CLOCK: Gotcha.
SCENE 4
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Anja is watching TV when Jaylynn comes in from the kitchen. She sees the music video for Divide the Day's "Let It Roll" and turns it off.)
ANJA: Hey, I love that song.
JAYLYNN: Really? Honestly, I'm getting sick of it. So, did you hear that Buster's moving in with Sparky while his condo is being fumigated?
ANJA: No, I haven't. How are they going to survive?
JAYLYNN: No way in hell are they going to last a week. Everybody knows that friends make terrible roommates.
ANJA: Yeah, that's why I would never invite you to stay over for a week.
JAYLYNN: (chuckles) Yeah. Wait a minute, what's that supposed to mean?
ANJA: It means I would never invite you to stay over for a week.
JAYLYNN: Why not?
ANJA: Because you're Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: And you're Anja, and these walls can't talk, and I'm Hispanic, and this is a very big deal.
ANJA: No, it's really not. Let's just keep watching TV.
JAYLYNN: I don't think I want to watch TV. The TV and I aren't speaking right now.
ANJA: Jaylynn, what's your problem?
JAYLYNN: My problem is I want to know why we couldn't work as roommates and I want to know now.
ANJA: The truth?
JAYLYNN: The whole truth.
(Anja sighs)
ANJA: Well, I'm pretty sure you would annoy the hell out of me. I mean, you're always fighting with Lynne about something and you do tend to be loud. Honestly, after a week of putting up with all that, I would probably lose my mind.
JAYLYNN: Hmmmmm. That's nice. Well, I'm going to go upstairs. The door's over there by the way.
ANJA: Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: Leave me the hell alone!
(Jaylynn runs upstairs while Anja pinches her forehead with her eyes closed)
ANJA: I need aspirin for no reason at all right now.
SCENE 5
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Dining Area
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky, RK, and Wade all have their own booth. Buster is noticeably absent along with Jaylynn. Sparky plays with his fingers for a couple seconds while watching RK and Wade on their phones.)
SPARKY: Are you guys going to talk or what?
RK: Oh, sweet, we're getting lines! So we were talking about the home run you hit at your Little League game last night, slugger? Heh? (RK then playfully slugs a confused Sparky on the arm)
SPARKY: Yeah, so anyway, Buster's condo is being fumigated because of termites so he moved in with me last night.
WADE: And you just agreed to it?
SPARKY: Well, it was late at night so who really gives a shit about anything then, right? Besides, he's my best friend and he's slept over at my place hundreds of times. It will be like a never-ending party.
RK: You said the same thing about Cimorelli.
SPARKY: How do you know about that dream?
RK: You mumble about it whenever you nap, I hear it all the time when I'm over there. Is there something you're not telling us about that?
SPARKY: Nope, nothing at all.
WADE: Look, Sparky, I know you think this is going to be really fun because Buster is your best friend and all but you've never actually tried to live with him.
SPARKY: I've seen his condo for years, it looks great.
WADE: Yeah, but because of how close you two are, he might start testing his limits on what he can do. I'm just saying, you two being roommates might not be as cool as you think it is.
RK: You know, Wade does have a point. That's why I don't sleep over at his house anymore. I tried one weekend and it was a disaster.
CUTAWAY GAG
(RK is looking through Wade's refrigerator while Wade stands near it)
RK: Kale chips? You actually have mother(bleep)ing kale chips in your fridge? No-fat apple sauce and...oh, look, some Greek yogurt. John Stamos could use some advertising money for that. Wait a minute. You have scones? You actually have freaking scones in this fridge?!
WADE: Yeah.
RK: Dude, this is not an RK refrigerator, this is what Willow and Jaden eat.
END OF CUTAWAY
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Buster and Bitch Clock are playing rock paper scissors)
BUSTER AND BITCH CLOCK: Rock paper scissors says shoot!
(Bitch Clock has scissors, and Buster has paper)
BITCH CLOCK: Scissors beats paper.
BUSTER: Actually...
(Buster turns his paper into a rock)
BUSTER: I believe rock beats scissors.
BITCH CLOCK: You little son of a bitch, you can't do that, it's against the rules!
BUSTER: No, I have the adaptation function locked in after five wins. I could change it.
BITCH CLOCK: No, you can't.
BUSTER: Yes I can. Think about the administration we live under. Yes I can.
(Sparky comes in with a bunch of bags from the store, which Buster helps him with)
SPARKY: Thanks Buster.
BUSTER: You're welcome. Are we eating sriracha tonight?
SPARKY: Oh, we have to, it's all the rage these days.
BITCH CLOCK: I'm going to my wine cave upstairs. It's all I have now that Homer Simpson's a part of this family.
SPARKY: He's not a part of the family, he's just a roommate until further notice.
BUSTER: H...He's calling me Homer, right?
(Bitch Clock sighs and walks upstairs)
BITCH CLOCK: I need a drink.
BUSTER: Hey Sparky, you never told me why Bitch Clock can talk.
SPARKY: Well, when I was younger, I was really stupid and I wished my alarm clock could talk. Now I have this on my hands. Wait a minute, do you know anything about that Talking Dumpster because I never understood that.
BUSTER: No, but I know nobody in my neighborhood can stand him.
SCENE 7
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Anja is flipping through random channels on her TV, eventually stopping at one of them.)
VOICEOVER: AND THAT IS WHY GAY PEOPLE ARE CONDEMNED BY THE GOODWILL OF GOD BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE HIGHER POWER THAT WILL GUIDE THEM! THEIR SEXUALITY IS A SIN THAT HAS BEEN BURNING FOR TOO LONG AND WE MUST CORRECT THIS SOCIAL INJUSTICE BEFORE WE BECOME GAY, AND OUR CHILDREN BECOME GAY, AND OUR GRANDCHILDREN BECOME GAY, AND OUR PARENTS AND SPOUSES BECOME GAY!
ANJA: Dumbass.
(Lynne comes down the stairs and sees Anja. Her instinct tells her to go over to the sofa and see if everything's on the up and up.)
LYNNE: Anja, you okay?
ANJA: Figures. Who's asking?
LYNNE: I am.
ANJA: I don't really know if I'm okay, Lynne. Who is really okay in this world? You know, some people believe that being okay is not really something that exists. It's a feeling you project on yourself and it begins to talk to you. I like to talk to it. Do you like talking to your emotions, Lynne?
LYNNE: I have absolutely no clue what you're talking about. What happened at Jaylynn's house?
ANJA: How do you know this has to do with Jaylynn?
LYNNE: Because nobody else ever makes you act weirder than her. Come on, Anja, I want to help. Really.
ANJA: I have no idea what happened over there, sis. I told her the reasons why we wouldn't make good roommates and she just ran upstairs.
LYNNE: (cackles) What a stupid bitch.
(Anja angrily stares at Lynne)
LYNNE: I think Nicki Minaj had a song called that.
ANJA: The song is called "Stupid Hoe," actually.
(brief pause)
LYNNE: Well, that's wild, huh? Ain't that something?
ANJA Lynne, work with me here. I think I really upset Jaylynn and I need to figure out how to approach this.
LYNNE: I don't know why she's taking it to heart anyway. I mean, isn't she supposed to be some kind of badass or something?
ANJA: I think so, at least that's what I've seen. You know what? I'm just going to go over there and clear this whole mess up.
LYNNE: Yeah, you probably should. But if it doesn't work out, you can always get yourself a new best friend. You know, somebody with a less irritating personality and voice.
ANJA: You're one to talk. You sound like you're 16 sometimes.
LYNNE: Oh, and that's my fault?
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
(Without Jaylynn, Testicular Sound Express is having dinner with Bitch Clock.)
RK: Alright, so, um, when I was in the first grade...
SPARKY: Yeah.
BUSTER AND WADE: Yeah.
RK: There were these two girls named Nicole and Kayla. And they were so freaking ugly. I'm telling you, God must love his baboons because there they were in plain sight. So for some reason, they had an obsession with my dick.
SPARKY, BUSTER, AND WADE: WHAT?!
BITCH CLOCK: I like where this is going.
RK: Yeah, I know, it's creepy but this is where it gets creepier. They told me to just whip out my dick because they wanted to see it.
WADE: And you did?
RK:...I did.
(The boys and Bitch Clock all go "OHHHHHHHHHHHH!")
BUSTER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, no, man!
RK: And then it just gets worse. I, um...I was told to pee on the floor by the girls so I just went ahead and started pissing on the floor.
(Another collective "OHHHHHHHHHH!")
WADE: Did you even get in trouble?
RK: No, I didn't get in trouble at all. And this happened multiple times.
(Sparky starts cackling like a hyena)
SPARKY: RK, my man, that story is phenomenal.
BITCH CLOCK: Alright, it's a little nutty, but I bet I can top it.
RK: You have a better story?
BITCH CLOCK: Hell yeah I do. It's a beautiful story. Alright, I was vacationing in Canada when the bitch wanted my money. So I told the bitch to step off and then she tried grabbing my gun. I grabbed the gun and I shot her. Then I shot everyone that was in sight because I couldn't have any witnesses. So the cops came after they heard gunshots and I started running like hell because I didn't want to get arrested. So I took the gun and started firing random bullets until one of them was hit and fell down a hill. Homeboy busted his neck so hard, it was like a bubble popped inside his spine. It was sick. So that's why I can't go back to Canada. Montreal, I believe.
(The boys are all wide-eyed and disturbed by Bitch Clock's story.)
BUSTER: You know, I've been working on a new shot using simple household objects. KOBE! (Buster takes his plate and tries shooting it into the sink, but the plate misses wildly and crashes into the dishwasher.)
RK: Was that Kobe in his prime or Kobe right now?
(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: BUSTER! You know what? Just for that, you're washing the dishes tonight.
BUSTER: But...
SPARKY: I mean it, Buster.
(Buster looks visibly disappointed.)
BITCH CLOCK: You know what? I have a date tonight so I'm going to go.
WADE: Yeah, I have to read up on cold fusion for a self-imposed project I'm working on.
RK: I have to go do some random thing that's...not exactly in this house so yeah, see you boys tomorrow.
WADE: Stay in school!
BITCH CLOCK: Only you can prevent STDs.
(The scene ends with Sparky angrily staring at a nervous Buster.)
SCENE 9
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
JAYLYNN: You guys were chosen because I understand your strengths and weaknesses. You people represent a new generation of friends that mean something to me. It's time to look into the future. It's time to find the next Anja.
(The camera pulls back to reveal Halley, Ashley, and Gilcania sitting on Jaylynn's couch.)
ASHLEY: I don't feel comfortable doing this.
JAYLYNN: Then why did you show up?
ASHLEY: Because you told me something else on the phone.
GILCANIA: Jaylynn, did something happen with Anja?
JAYLYNN: No, nothing happened with Anja. Except I realized that maybe I should make sure I have other friends to take her place.
HALLEY: I'm not taking anyone's place, and that's a fact.
JAYLYNN: Halley, you should learn to compromise. When you do that, we can actually start to have great conversations.
(Anja knocks on the door, and Jaylynn looks through the peephole. She refuses to open the door when she sees who is there.)
GILCANIA: Who's there, boo-boo?
JAYLYNN: Oh, nobody, just some telemarketer.
ASHLEY: They're supposed to call you, not come to your house.
JAYLYNN: Well, it was probably a Jehovah's Witness. You know how you need your bug spray to get rid of them. (Jaylynn chuckles, and nobody else is laughing. Instead, they just give her blank stares. Halley is in fact, just using her phone.)
HALLEY: Jaylynn, what did you say?
(Jaylynn sighs in disappointment)
SCENE 10
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Buster is watching TV when Sparky comes in from the kitchen.)
SPARKY: Buster, I thought I told you to do the dishes.
BUSTER: Well, you said to wash them and I did.
SPARKY: Then how come they're still wet and in the sink?
BUSTER: Because I didn't dry them.
SPARKY: Dude...
BUSTER: Hey, I filled my obligation for the night. And I even threw away the plate I broke.
SPARKY: That's nice and all, but it would really help me out if you dried them and put them back in the cabinets.
BUSTER: I can't do that now. That's not how things go at my condo. There's a system to it.
SPARKY: A system?
BUSTER: Yeah.
(The scene flashes back to a time where Buster was washing the dishes in his condo.)
BUSTER: You see, after I clean said dishes and remove any yucky gunk or leftover food or whatever and then wash them, I wait at least 45 minutes to dry them. It helps me cool down and collect my thoughts before going to the next phase.
(The scene flashes forward to real time and Sparky's look of disinterest.)
SPARKY: That's really something, Buster.
BUSTER: It is, isn't it?
SPARKY: Look, I know you don't want to do it by yourself so we could do it together. After all, I know where everything goes.
BUSTER: Nah, that's cool. I just want to kick back before I have to go to bed. Stupid school nights. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! PATRICK'S LAUGHING BECAUSE THAT GUY GOT HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A COCONUT!
SPARKY: Ah, (bleep) me.
BUSTER: Hey, donate one to the swear jar, why don't ya?
SCENE 11
The MacDougal Household
Interior Guest Room
Seattle, Washington
(Buster is whistling "BO$$" by Fifth Harmony as he fixes his covers, then jumps into bed. However, he is tossing and turning within seconds.)
BUSTER: Ah, this sucks. It's like, I know I have to sleep, but I can't. I know what to do. It's once again time for Buster's patented bedtime method. JUMP ON THE BED LIKE A PSYCHO! WOOO-HAOW! (Buster starts jumping on the bed repeatedly with a big smile on his face. Meanwhile, Sparky is trying his hardest to sleep.)
SPARKY: GOOD LORD! That racket is going to keep me up all night.
BITCH CLOCK: You have blood in your veins, right?
SPARKY: Obviously.
BITCH CLOCK: Then go in there and tell that sumbitch to knock it off before you knock him out.
SPARKY: You know what? I will.
(Sparky marches into the guest room and sees Buster still jumping on the bed.)
SPARKY: BUSTER!
BUSTER: Oh, hey Sparky. Wait a minute, your hair looked great an hour ago, why is it all messed up?
SPARKY: Because I've been trying to sleep between then and now. What are you doing anyway?
BUSTER: Well, since I couldn't fall asleep the normal way, I decided to bring back the old Buster bedtime method.
SPARKY: You mean, jumping on the bed like an idiot?
BUSTER: Not exactly like an idiot, more like a psycho, but I understand the confusion.
SPARKY: Buster, I know you want to make my home feel more like your home, but it's nighttime and we both have things to do tomorrow. So just try to go to sleep.
BUSTER: Ugh, alright. I'm only doing this for you, you know.
(Buster simply gets into the bed and tries to go to sleep. Sparky slowly shuts the door and goes back to sleep.)
ONE HOUR LATER
(Buster can be heard screaming in his sleep, and the camera does a close-up shot of Sparky staring up at the ceiling, looking slightly unhinged. Bitch Clock kicks Sparky's drawer and violently opens the closet.)
SPARKY: What are you doing?
BITCH CLOCK: I'm getting the gun. Where's the mother(bleep)ing gun, I'm going to blow his head off.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, we're not killing Buster.
BITCH CLOCK: You mean, you're not killing Buster, but for me, I'm done.
(Bitch Clock finds his gun and heads for Buster's room. Sparky thinks quickly and jumps on Bitch Clock, tackling him to the ground, taking the gun and throwing it out the window. It eventually fires a shot once it hits the ground and cracks the window of the house across the street. While all of this is happening, Buster continues screaming.)
BITCH CLOCK: You know what? I can always just stab him.
SCENE 12
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky is eating with RK, Wade, and Jaylynn.)
SPARKY: I'm just lucky my neighbor across the street didn't have me arrested for attempted murder. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think it's time that Buster found another place to stay.
RK: I would love to have him as a guest, but after what you told me and the fact that KG is not exactly that kind of person, I don't think it's a good idea.
JAYLYNN: What do you mean he's not that kind of person?
RK: Well, remember that time he threatened to bite off your finger if you took the last Snack Pack? Imagine that for one whole weekend.
JAYLYNN: Gotcha.
WADE: Sparky, I don't get it. Buster is usually a lot less obnoxious than how you're describing the events of last night.
SPARKY: I know. I've slept over at his condo many times and he doesn't do any of that stuff. The broken plate, the wet dishes, the bed jumping, the screaming. He even finished up the orange juice and didn't tell me. I had to drink apple juice.
JAYLYNN: So?
SPARKY: When it comes to breakfast and apple juice, I'm just not that kind of person.
JAYLYNN: Gotcha.
WADE: I think what I predicted is coming true. If I didn't know any better, I would say that Buster is testing his limits since he's staying there now. You should let him know that's not cool.
SPARKY: I guess, but it's Buster. He would never take advantage of me like that. Would he?
SCENE 13
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Anja is doing her homework when she accidentally writes Jaylynn's name on her paper. She then sighs and shakes her head.)
ANJA: I can't stop thinking about it.
(Jaylynn is watching TV and gets a call from Anja, which she picks up.)
JAYLYNN: What do you want?
ANJA: Jaylynn, how long have you and I been best friends?
JAYLYNN: I don't know, a year, several months, probably more than 20 episodes?
ANJA: Right, and during that time, you never ignored me like this. Even when we said things we didn't mean, neither of us would just avoid each other.
JAYLYNN: What about that thing with your birthday?
ANJA: That's more of a grey area.
JAYLYNN: Look, Anja, if you don't think we can be good roommates, then we shouldn't be friends. It's as simple as that. I just never realized you thought I was an abrasive, loud, annoying jackass.
ANJA: I don't think you're a jackass. Jaylynn, I love you no matter what. You asked me to be candid about the roommate thing and I was. That doesn't mean I think any less of you. We're best friends at the end of the day and even if I don't think we could make good roommates, that doesn't change anything else about how I feel about you as a person.
(Lynne walks into the room and just so happened to hear most of what Anja said. There is a brief pause as Anja turns around and realizes Lynne is behind her.)
LYNNE: Anja, are you lesbian?
(Anja gives Lynne an annoyed open-mouthed stare.)
JAYLYNN: Okay, I accept your apology. And I'm sorry for the way I acted. I kinda lost my cool over nothing.
ANJA: Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty sure there's a couple things you don't like about me that make me a bad roommate.
JAYLYNN: Well, I don't know about that. Of course, you yelling at people gets pretty irritating in seconds.
ANJA: I can't help what I sound like!
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but your voice when you yell is like Mickey Mouse on steroids.
(Anja starts giggling)
JAYLYNN: Of course, your laugh is still really sexy.
ANJA: What?
JAYLYNN: I mean, you know, those Padres. Somebody's gotta win that World Series this season.
ANJA: Nice save, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: It was a Mariano Rivera save.
SCENE 14
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky and Halley are making out on the couch and then suddenly stop.)
SPARKY: I'm like a madman for you, Halley Vidal.
HALLEY: And you're the king of my heart, Sparky MacDougal.
SPARKY: No one else makes me feel the way I do better than you.
HALLEY: Same here. You're the only one for me.
SPARKY: Well, you're the only only one for me.
HALLEY: Well, you're the only only only one for me.
(walking down the stairs) BUSTER: Awwww, Sam Smith is a dirty liar.
SPARKY: Buster, I thought you were watching TV.
BUSTER: I was, but then I realized something important. Why watch TV by myself when I can watch it with my best friend and my best friend's lady?
HALLEY: Well, this is our date night.
BUSTER: Date night? Well, why wasn't I told?
SPARKY: I told you three hours ago.
BUSTER: You did? Hmmmmm...
(Buster thinks back to three hours ago when Sparky was in the guest room talking to Buster.)
SPARKY: Buster, tonight's my date night with Halley so don't do or say anything stupid.
BUSTER: Aight, bruh.
(For some unknown reason, Buster then thinks about running towards a tree with a pack of Hostess Vanilla Zingers taped to it. There's also a note attached to the pack that says "Save me, Buster." In the background, the Fiber One commercial cover of Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is playing as Buster gets further and further towards the tree, and as soon as he does, he trips over a pebble and tumbles down the hill behind the tree.)
BUSTER: Owwww.
In real time...
BUSTER: Ah, now I know how Sisyphus felt. Wait a minute, was Sisyphus the Greek guy with the boulder?
(sternly) SPARKY: Yes, Buster, he was.
HALLEY: Um, Sparks, I'm going to go home now.
SPARKY: But you've only been here for 26 minutes!
HALLEY: And they were a really romantic 26 minutes but you know...a certain someone.
SPARKY: Yeah, I know what you mean.
(Sparky angrily turns his head towards a smiling Buster, who seems oblivious towards what is happening)
HALLEY: Don't worry, I'll call you later.
SPARKY: Sure.
(Halley kisses Sparky on the lips and leaves)
HALLEY: Bye Buster.
BUSTER: BYE HALLEY!
(Halley initially has a confused look and starts cracking up as she walks out of the house.)
BUSTER: I wonder why she left, it was about to get really fun.
SPARKY: She left because of you, you dumb son of a bitch!
(Buster blankly stares at Sparky, then stares at the wall, then the stairs, then the kitchen, then back at Sparky.)
BUSTER: Sparky, is there someone else here that I can't see?
SPARKY: What the hell is your problem, man?! I mean, usually, you're just mildly stupid and you don't mean to be, but this time, you're being ACTIVELY stupid and you're aware of it. It takes an actual brain to realize all the shit you've been up to lately and it's pretty damn obvious that YOU DON'T HAVE ONE! You barge in here unannounced, you break my plates, you half-ass a simple task just to be cute, you jump on the (bleep)ing bed, you scream in your sleep, AND YOU JUST DROVE HALLEY OUT OF HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO MORONIC TO UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES!
BUSTER: You know, I never forced you to let me stay here. Why were you so passive about it anyway?
SPARKY: Because it was late at night and you're my best friend so these are the things I do for you. But sometimes, I let people like you walk all over me and I'm sick of it! I also seem to forget how stupid you can be. And you're not just average stupid. YOU'RE EXCEPTIONALLY STUPID!
BUSTER: So all these years, I've just been a big fat idiot, haven't I? I'm just a basket case that you felt sorry for, HAVEN'T I?!
SPARKY: That's not what I meant.
BUSTER: I don't need you to say anything more, you already hurt my feelings. God forbid we make it a second time. (Buster starts walking up the stairs) If you want me out of here, I'll be gone by the morning and hole myself up in a hotel.
SPARKY: Why don't you just leave now?
BUSTER: I don't have to explain anything to YOU. I'm just good old Dumbass Buster, right? (Buster continues walking up the stairs while Sparky lays on the couch, despondent. "Big Time Theme Song" by Big Time Rush starts playing in the background as well.)
SEGWAY SEGMENT
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
(Wade is roaming the halls when Mr. Robertson walks up to him)
MR. ROBERTSON: Mr. Saltalamacchia, is that you?
WADE: You bet it is, Rob. Oh, from now on, I will refer to myself as the Wade-Man. The Maestro, if you will. King Asiatic, heavyweight champion of awesomeness.
MR. ROBERTSON: I think I've heard enough uninspired monikers for one morning. Anyway, Mr. Saltalamacchia, or "Maestro," if you will, I've been working arduously at bringing chess club to iCarly Elementary, and starting next week is our very first meeting. I wouldn't want to bore the kids by facilitating the club myself, so I was hoping you would be interested in the position. I would only be there next week to lend guidance and explain all the basic instructions the kids would need to know.
WADE: Eh, it sounds intriguing, but it corresponds deeply with the apocalypse, and with that apocalypse only brings more failure. So, I would have to pass on such festivities, teach.
MR. ROBERTSON: Mr. Saltalamacchia, are you being internally pestered by an insect or something?
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
WADE: So, you know what I want, baby. I give you my gold chain, tell you to wear it around town, you do it. Else you won't get to break the bank.
JAYLYNN: Wade, snap out of it, I'm not Adriana.
WADE: Who said you were? We all know that you can't be that kind of honey.
(Jaylynn angrily stares at Wade)
SPARKY: Wade, I found out you skipped two classes today. Is that true?
WADE: Ah, what's it to you, skoogaly moogaly doo?
SPARKY: You got a slightly lower grade than usual on a stupid test. Can you please just get over yourself already?
WADE: NO, I WON'T! I DIDN'T SKIP A GRADE TO DEAL WITH THIS CRAP! I'm going to go mess with the water fountains. These kids are about to get a big surprise.
(Wade walks his way towards the water fountain)
JAYLYNN: We have to stop him!
SPARKY: Right! We have to stop Wade from messing with the water fountain! If we don't, the whole school is going to go ka-blooie!
JAYLYNN: Ka-blooie? Ewww, who wrote that line for you?
SPARKY: I have no idea, but whoever wrote it needs to get their genitals hung up on a flagpole. Unless they enjoy that kind of thing.
("Boy from School" by Hot Chip playing in the background)
(A black screen is shown with the following in white lettering: "Wade was stopped from pulling his water fountain prank by Sparky and Jaylynn, who told him that he should not overreact to one failure. Wade told them he understands what they are trying to say, but the lesson was revealed to have been completely lost on him when he spit in both their faces and gave them an RKO out of nowhere. While walking away in a conveniently and coincidentally empty hallway, Wade fell down and his strong lips ended up pulling the fire alarm as he toppled to the ground. Wade was forced to explain his lip malfunction the next day and the resulting humiliation forced him to go back to his old self."
"Also, for a time, Buster was fully convinced that the Talking Dumpster was out to kill him after he saw the dumpster gain arms and legs out of nowhere and walk towards him. This was later revealed to be a horrific nightmare caused by bizarre sleep patterns, gastrointestinal distress, and RK forcing him to watch the entire third season of A.N.T. Farm, which nearly caused him to go back to atheism.)
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
(RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are all sitting together. Sparky and Buster are nowhere to be found.)
JAYLYNN: Did you guys hear about the fight Sparky and Buster had last night?
RK: Yeah, that shit was crazy. I guess it just goes to show you that no matter how sexy your friends are, they get pretty ugly and sweaty-necked to look at when they're in your house touching your stuff.
WADE: By my calculations, this is the worst confrontation Sparky and Buster have ever had.
RK: I doubt it, there have been some pretty nasty ones in the past.
JAYLYNN: Really? Was I here for them?
RK: Eh, I doubt it. I know there was one where Sparky kidnapped Buster and assaulted him because he wouldn't give him back his pennies. Oh, and when Buster was having the time of his life in Times Square, Sparky paid this girl Buster met $100 to yell at him and steal his pennies.
WADE: I think you have those situations mixed up.
RK: Who cares? They were so long ago.
(Buster comes to the table at that very moment.)
RK, WADE, AND JAYLYNN: NORM!
BUSTER: My name's not Norm.
(long pause; the three kids all give Buster bored expressions)
RK: Thank you for killing a great reference.
JAYLYNN: So Buster, how do you feel?
BUSTER: Like garbage. Like worthless, cheated trash with nothing to live for. Like how I always feel when I come to lunch and someone else has already snatched up the last piece of pie.
RK: I feel like I'm the only person who appreciates pumpkin pie.
WADE: So what exactly did Sparky say to you last night?
BUSTER: Well, I don't know, the basic stuff. "You're an idiot, your stupidity is dangerous, buy more cat food." Oh, just so you know, I wrote down some of Sparky's cracks on my old shopping list.
RK: I still can't believe you guys had that fight. It sounded really intense.
BUSTER: It was. It's just that whenever I try and be a nice guy, it always blows up in my face. I'm just not good at a lot of stuff, but I'm good at being Sparky's best friend and that's all that matters.
WADE: So, long story short, you did something really bad or said something really bad?
BUSTER: Well, he thinks I took advantage of him. I guess he's right. I think I was having a little bit too much fun. Then again, I was there for less than three days. Why did he blow up like that?
RK: He has a very odd history involving houseguests.
BUSTER: Oh, I see.
RK: Yeah.
(Sparky walks to the table, stares at Buster, and walks away)
JAYLYNN: I feel like the whole world's coming to an end. You and Sparky can't stop talking to each other.
BUSTER: I don't know. I guess this is how things are going to be from now on.
WADE: No, they are not. The systematic breakdown of Testicular Sound Express might happen after junior high, but not today. Let's go see Buster's hotel room after school. We can take Sparky and you guys can patch things up.
BUSTER: You really think you can save our friendship?
RK: Definitely. When it comes to schemes, Wade and I are the king of schemes.
WADE: Kings of schemes, you nut.
RK: See? That's why we work so well. I'm a strategist and he's a grammar Nazi.
SCENE 16
Sheraton Seattle Hotel
Exterior Parking Lot
Seattle, Washington
(Wade is driving to Buster's hotel alongside the rest of Testicular Sound Express. Sparky is in the passenger's seat with an unimpressed look, while RK and Jaylynn are in the back. They find a parking spot and Wade stops the car.)
WADE: Well, this is the address. Beautiful hotel, isn't it, guys?
RK: Yes, very classy.
JAYLYNN: Really sweet place here.
(while staring out the window with his arms folded) SPARKY: Meh.
(The next shot is of the kids looking for Buster's hotel room.)
WADE: Alright, according to the concierge, Buster's room is 203 so...a-ha! Got it right here.
(Wade knocks on the door. Buster is watching TV but does not seem to hear anything.)
WADE: Buster, are you in there? It's us.
BUSTER: The police? Look, I didn't turn in that library book late, I swear. It was only two hours past the checkout time. Don't you have some black guys to go shoot?
(bored) WADE: Buster, it's your friends, Testicular Sound Express, not the police.
BUSTER: I knew that, I was waiting for you guys to catch on.
(brief pause)
WADE: Well, are you going to let us in?
BUSTER: I don't know. I'm not feeling it right now.
RK: BUSTER, OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!
BUSTER: Alright, sheesh.
(Buster gets off his bed and unlocks the door to the room, letting in the kids)
BUSTER: Welcome to Hotel Room Casa de Busto. That's Spanish for "Hotel Room of Buster."
JAYLYNN: Catchy. So, Buster, this is a pretty sick room.
BUSTER: You like? When I came here, I wanted to make the room feel more like home, so I made it more...me. A glass of Mountain Dew on the dresser? Sick. A poster of Alyssa Milano in a New Jersey Devils jersey? Very sick. And hot. A wonderful view of...that area over there I'm not quite sure of? Kinda sick.
WADE: Well, Buster, I'm pleased you found the decor that suits you.
SPARKY: Yeah, it's nice.
(long pause; everyone is turned off by Sparky's cold demeanor)
RK: Hey, I have a neat idea. Let's play a little game that I like to call "Get the Hell Out of Your Friend's Hotel Room So Your Friends Can Talk." Won't that be super duper oodles of fun?
JAYLYNN: You don't have to talk like that.
(through clenched teeth) RK: Let's just go, the tension is killing me.
(RK, Wade, and Jaylynn leave Buster's room. Sparky tries to leave as well, but the trio barricades the door so he has nowhere to run. To seal the deal, Buster locks the door and puts the room key in his pocket.)
SPARKY: Give me the key!
BUSTER: Over my living body!
SPARKY: This is ridiculous. Now I'm locked in here with you.
BUSTER: Sparky, what's wrong with you? Ever since last night, all you do or say is make me feel like a loser.
SPARKY: Because I'm sick and tired of you always screwing up something. I know who you really are.
BUSTER: What are you talking about?
SPARKY: You've just been tied to my back for years so when the chips are down, you can take everything from me that's valuable. You want me out of your life. You want me DEAD!
(long pause)
BUSTER: Sparky, I have no idea what you're trying to say.
SPARKY: Me either, I'm getting manic.
BUSTER: Look, I know I was a terrible roommate and I'm really sorry if I disappointed you. I guess I was so happy to be there, I went a little crazy and it got out of hand. But I don't want you dead. I just want my best friend back because...(close to tears)...life sucks without you. Do you know how much it hurts to know that people have low expectations of me, or that they just think I'm a brain dead loser? It's the worst feeling in the world. I never thought you would end up being one of those people and I hate it! I hate being the reason why you're one of those people now. It took a while, but I finally found out how you really feel about me.
SPARKY: Buster, I may have snapped at you last night, but that doesn't mean I think you're an idiot or a loser or brain dead.
BUSTER: But you think my stupidity is dangerous and I'm on the fast track towards even more irredeemable sociopathic behavior.
SPARKY: You've been watching too many Mr. Enter reviews. Dude, I know what I said, and I got caught up in the moment. But you're my best friend no matter what, and just because you do a stupid thing every now and then, doesn't mean I hate you.
BUSTER: It doesn't?
SPARKY: No, not at all. I don't know what came over me last night because I never thought I would ever talk to you like that. I let my anger get the better of me and I will never forgive myself for how I made you feel.
BUSTER: I can't forgive myself either. I need you in my life, man.
SPARKY: I NEED YOU, BRO!
(Sparky and Buster hug each other while crying. Meanwhile, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are spying through the peephole. RK is standing on top of Wade's shoulders while Jaylynn keeps jumping up to get a good look.)
WADE: What's happening in there? Are they making up?
RK: I think so. But it looks like they're about to kiss.
JAYLYNN: WHAT?!
SCENE 17
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Testicular Sound Express is, of course, watching TV.)
RK: Well, it's great to have the old gang back together.
SPARKY: It sure is, man. Hey Buster, how long are you going to stay in that hotel room?
BUSTER: I don't know, according to Pete, they should be reopening the complex in a week.
SPARKY: You're not losing money, are you? Because staying at the Sheraton sounds pretty expensive to maintain.
BUSTER: I don't think it's possible for any of us to ever lose money. (chuckles) This guy. Trying to be logical about stuff. (chuckles) Wait...
JAYLYNN: So, what's the lesson here about all of this?
RK: Absolutely nothing. I don't know why we always have to learn something. Why can't we just go through stuff and press the reset button for next time?
WADE: Because we can't grow as people like that. Do you think television works that way?
RK: I'm pretty sure it does. Otherwise, if life was always about learning stuff, we would be like a certain show on Disney Channel that seems to be feeling itself a little too much. (RK gives the camera a brief glance)
SPARKY: You know, I hear that life is the long game.
BUSTER: It is, isn't it?
JAYLYNN: Life is the long game?
SPARKY: Yes, Jaylynn. Life is the long game.
WADE: I'm in it for the long game.
BUSTER: Me too.
RK: OH MY GOD, WILL YOU GUYS PLEASE SHUT UP, YOU SOUND LIKE NICK JR. RIGHT NOW! END IT, END IT PLEASE, FADE TO BLACK, PLAY THE SONG, JUST END IT FOR GOD'S SAKE!
(long pause)
SPARKY: You know, RK, I think you could use the power of friendship and education.
RK: NO, (BLEEP) FRIENDSHIP AND EDUCATION!
(The screen finally fades to black. Testicular Sound Express is now seen in the Queensbridge neighborhood of Queens, New York.)
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Survival of the Fittest" by Mobb Deep playing in the end credits)
©2015 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS