I dedicate this story to my dear friend and loyal reader, Melissa or melgonzo (her username).

For Melissa - thank you for all your support through the months I have been writing, for all your heartfelt comments and the enjoyment shared between you and I over the various characters of Dragon Age II.

An Anders/Hawke story, set in Act II. To all my readers, please enjoy.

Chapter 1: The Truths Owed To Justice

Anders

It was too much. The culmination of Vengeance and Justice in my mind was ripping my soul apart. I needed release, reprieve, anything to escape from the sharp clawing within that threatened to overwhelm me and make me lose control.

It would be so easy to give in, to finally become that mindless husk and allow Justice or Vengeance to take hold. I struggled harder and harder each day to fight what I was, to fight what I had become. After five years, half a decade, I thought it would be easier. It wasn't.

I needed to be free of Vengeance, of Justice. My anger towards the Templars could never be quashed but the need for freedom was stronger. I could do no good with the ever repressive hounding from Justice to fight for the rights and lives of mages or the ever tempting demon of Vengeance screaming at me to take all the lives of any who even dared to think of doing harm to mages. It grew worse when they realized what I was attempting – a potion that would untangle our spirits so that I could be free again.

It was a potion of my own creation. There were no potions known to man that could unbind a spirit with his host, I had to create one of my own. Over many months, I gathered herbs, rocks, spirit shards, anything that could be conducive to the removal of Justice and Vengeance from my body. My friends were suspicious as to my continued absences, as often I was lost at the Wounded Coast, searching for more herbs. I know my edgy nature did nothing to ease their worries but I did not have any capability within me to act better. I had no idea if the potion would work and there was a risk, always a risk, that I would be causing my own death. It would be a potential consequence that I would reluctantly accept. It was better than being a prisoner. Justice was once my friend, in some ways he would always be my friend but he had changed. I had changed him and for that, I would always be sorry but I needed my freedom. In some ways, I was trapped in an even more basic way than I had been in the Circle of Magi.

Death was not so unwelcome in comparison.

I would miss her, though. I had known her for three years, coming on four, watched her kindness and benevolence from an arm's length, fearful that my contrasting malevolence would mar her beauty and courage. I had spent the majority of those three years aching ceaselessly for her.

Hawke. Yvaine. Sunshine. Sweetheart. The girl with the tousled, dark curls that never lay still, always shimmying in the breeze. The girl with the sultry dark eyes that glinted with mischief. The girl whose lips curved into smiles that blossomed with the sweetness of sunrise. The girl with the perfectly shaped ears that deserved to be adorned with jewels and gold. The girl with the soft, smooth, pale skin that was always just cool enough to make you keep your hands on her so you could keep her warm. The girl with those wonderful curves and perfect legs all hidden beneath that robe she wore. The girl with never ending love and care. The girl with endless talent and energies for magic. The girl who looked at me with eyes of admiration and understanding instead of the hate and despise that should have been there. The girl with the cheeky wit, intellectual comments and constant hunger for learning. The mage. The goddess. The woman of my dreams.

Oh yes, how I dreamed of loving her, holding her, being with her, taking from her and warming myself with that precious inner fire that she so easily shared with others but I knew, one night would never be enough. I knew that if I succumbed to her for even a moment, I would drag her down into the depths of despair for all eternity. I was a selfish man. I am a selfish man. I would take and take from her and she did not deserve that.

I was selfish enough to leave the plight of mages behind me so that I could be free once more. I could reign in my need to possess her so that she could live her normal life. Without me. Never with me.

When the last patient left for the day, I locked the doors of the clinic behind him. I was alone. The quietness of the room was a stark contrast to the angry heat of claws scraping the insides of my skin. I needed freedom from them. I pushed them away, holding onto the last vestiges of control I had as I carefully measured out each ingredient.

I stared down at the list and then at the bubbling cauldron that sat in the corner of my dirty clinic.

Deathroot, for the death of someone I had once called a friend and maybe even for me.

Frostrock, to freeze the anger and hatred that welled up inside of me.

Spirit shards, to give my mind the resistance against spirits.

Lyrium dust, to hopefully retain my magical powers.

Panacea, to heal the damage the Deathroot would cause.

Tilia, for protection from spirits, in particular, evil spirits.

Artemisia, a poison for parasites.

I waved my hand over the cauldron, watching lightening slowly issue from my fingers and whirl the bubbling contents within. The mixture turned colour, from a faded and dull pink to an angry red before dying down to a royal purple, a noble colour that I could not relate to. Justice concurred with that thought. He was of a wrathful disapproval, cursing me from within. Vengeance fought for control. I wrestled with him, fighting for dominance of my own body. The conflict, the struggle, the ceaseless battle as I poured the purple substance into a flask was almost too much to bear.

I had to keep going and though, Justice was slowly taking over and my movements were no longer completely my own, I managed to lift the flask to my lips and swallow down its contents quickly. There was an eruption, a wave of bright blue spread out like sapphire flames from my body. The pain, the burst of explosion that sped through my system was indescribable.

I heard a loud noise, though I am uncertain whether it was within or without, and Justice as he screamed out, "FOOL! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" I began losing consciousness.

I am sorry, my friend but the truth was, it was just too much.

A/N: As always, please read and review. Let me know what you thought of the chapter!

Love,
Ann