Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the mentioned songs.
Summary: Asking to see Snape's peacock, telling McGonagall to save a horse and ride a cowboy, announcing in the Great Hall that Fred is her Mr Saxobeat, reassuring Dumbledore that she'll eat him up along with telling Wood that his love is her drug… Hermione's had a rather odd day.
It was the last day of term at Hogwarts - usually an exciting day. This day was easily going to be the worst day of her life. She knew that going up against the twins was wrong and beyond stupid but dear Merlin she never would have done it had she known that they'd retaliate with this.
It was purely innocent at first - their little prank war. They'd put itching powder in her clothes, she'd put spiders in their beds (Though somehow that ended up with Ron in tears of fear and with the twins with tear of mirth), charming each others wands to backfire on each other (Though she learned Fred is very attractive when his clothes suddenly disappear leaving only a leaf for coverage), jinxing each others possessions, transfiguring one another into animals (Hermione still refuses to admit she makes an adorable squirrel).
That was all fun and games - they even let go of her Polyjuice act of being Molly Weasley and demanding children from them as soon as possible because she wanted to be a grandmother to at least a dozen children… As soon as possible.
But, they finally cracked it and decided to ruin her life when for a single day she decided that they should be glued together. Pelvis to pelvis, chest to chest, nose to nose with their lips and eyes constantly within inches of each other. Oh yeah, as fun as it was to see looks of shock students wore as they walked past ("OMG - twincest!"), it just wasn't worth it.
She should have been more careful but in her defence she was too distracted from a fight with Ronald to really check her Pumpkin juice that morning. But, despite that, she should have stopped drinking it when she thought it tasted slightly tangy.
"Hermione," Harry asked "Are you going to spend the Summer at the Burrow?"
An innocent question. One that should have had an equally innocent answer. But when the Weasley twins are involved - nothing is innocent.
The next thing she knew, she was on a very surprised Harry's lap, with an equally surprised Gryffindor table as an audience. Golden Girl Granger sitting - no, straddling - The-Boy-Who-Lived's lap was just too shocking to verbalise. If that was bad enough, a sly grin formed on her face but her eyes remained very confused. But no one, not even the culprits themselves, expected what would come out of that girls mouth.
"Can you be my doctor?
Can you fix me up?
Can you wipe me down?
So I can make you give it up, give it up
Until you say my name
Like a Jersey Jersey shuttin' down the game.
Be my head coach so you can…
And never take me out
Till you can taste the way.
Do it again, and again
Till you say my name
And by the way i'm so glad;
I just wanna make you sweat.
I wanna make you sweat.
I just wanna make you sweat.
I wanna make you sweat.
Sweat, sweat."
The entire Gryffindor table sat gob smacked at the words - the innuendoes that just left the usually stuck up girls mouth. She sat frozen in Harry Potters lap, staring into his equally horrified eyes. Without another word, Harry threw her off his lap and jumped up looking at her as if he'd never seen her before.
Hermione felt she'd never seen herself before either.
But, as if the unravelling of yarn ball, two identical, familiar laughs polluted the air in astonished glee. The two read heads were rolling on the hall in stitches, catching the attention of everyone in the Great Hall. One had his hands clutching his sides as if it were the only thing holding him together whilst his brother was having trouble breathing and looked as red as his hair from lack of oxygen.
Hermione felt a vein in her forehead pop as she stomped towards the two of the boys that suddenly looked slightly afraid.
"What. Did. You. Do?" Hermione screeched loudly.
The two boys looked horrified but then, as if a light bulb had gone off over their heads, shared two identical grins of pure evil.
"What did we do?"
"That question is-"
"- what are you doing?"
Hermione was about to scream a retort but as before, found herself with her arms wrapped around Fred's shoulders. In fact, Fred looked afraid he'd initiated the question.
"Hey, sexy boy, set me free.
Don't be so shy, play with me.
My dirty boy, can't you see
That you belong next to me.
Hey, sexy boy, set me free.
Don't be so shy, play with me.
My dirty boy, can't you see.
You are the one I need!"
All throughout this tiny little snippet of a song, Hermione had successfully grinded herself up against Fred, running her hands up and down his body, batting her eyelashes seductively and whispering in his ear. But no, none of that had him running from the room - just standing their in mute shock.
No, her small little nibble on his ear and the playful growl she released had him jumping over tables and fleeing the Great Hall, a smirking George running after him.
The Great Hall sat in stunned silence as they'd watched Granger practically have sex with someone who was decidedly not her boyfriend but her boyfriends brother in a very public place and shamelessly attracting the fish eyes of many staff and students.
Hermione stood stock still, wondering if what she'd just done was real or if she'd finally been driven insane.
Suddenly, laughter could be heard from Harry Potter, whom had tears in his eyes and looked about ready to have a seizure. Hermione turned her glare on him and with a dash faster than lighting, she ran towards him. Seeing where her fury filled eyes were looking, Harry looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He suddenly looked around for an escape, when what the twins did finally clicked in his mind. Grabbing the closest person - which happened to be Oliver Wood - Harry whispered a quiet 'Imperio' in his ear before running off.
Unforgivable curse or no, Azkaban was much safer than Hermione right now.
Under the affects of the curse, Oliver dazedly asked "Can you say crazy bitch?"
After saying those words, Oliver was suddenly very aware of his surrounding and the girl who stood in front of him. He closed his eyes tightly, preparing himself for whatever this spell dished out. However, to his surprise, Hermione fell to her knees and held his hand lovingly, looking up at him with tearful and loving, albeit annoyed eyes.
Oliver couldn't decide if this was worse or better.
"Because your love, your love, your love, is my drug.
Your love, your love, your love.
I said your love, your love, your love, is my drug.
Your love, your love, your love."
Suddenly no longer singing, she stands up and holds his face delicately in her hands.
"Heyyy." she drawls, sounding very drunk or perhaps even drugged.
"Soooo, your love, your love, your love, your love, is my drug." she trailed her fingers down his face and Oliver felt a shiver run through his body. She leaned forward, her lips grazing sensitive his ear.
"I like your beard." his face dropped in confusion. He was clean shaven.
But whatever response he had was gone when her lips landed firmly on his.
She was snogging him. In front of everyone. Quite roughly too. He suddenly realised he had nothing against this and took full advantage of her not-so-normal state of mind.
It lasted maybe four seconds before he'd been hexed across the room and landed harshly on the Hufflepuff table. Hermione fled the room, ignoring the car calls and wolf whistles thrown her way.
"Oh," Wood sighed happily and slightly dazed. "I'm in love."
Hermione searched for about an hour, looking for the offending pranksters to demand that the spell be taken off. She was, alas, unsuccessful as the two boys were nowhere to be found. Sighing in dismay, she knew she'd have to go to her potions class.
Half and hour late.
Groaning at the on-coming onslaught of Gryffindor that was no doubt coming her way, Hermione dragged her feet to the dungeons.
As predicted, the second she entered the room silence ensured before silent snickers were heard and some even coughing to hide their obvious laughter. The only one not amused, was Snape.
"I'd love to see what your reasoning if for being late, Miss Granger."
Hermione winced, waiting to break out into a musical number but was relieved when she didn't.
"I was trying to kill Fred and George, Sir." she answered truthfully.
"I assume you didn't succeed."
"No, Sir."
"Thirty point from Gryffindor." Hermione smiled slightly, throughout that entire conversation Snape has not asked her a single question, the things she has figured out is the trigger.
"Do you mind taking you seat, Miss Granger?" Snape sneered.
Oh bloody hell.
Again, her body moved on it's own towards a suddenly wary Snape, swinging her hips like she just don't care that she'll get a thousand points off Gryffindor for this.
"Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch.
I'ma peace out if you don't give me the pay off.
Come on baby let me see what you're hiding underneath.
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
What you're waiting for, it's time for you to show it off.
Don't be a shy kinda guy I'll bet it's beautiful.
Come on baby let me see. Whatchu hidin' underneath."
As if that wasn't bad enough, Hermione had started a ridiculous dance routine involving her moving her conjured up peacock feathers around, like an actual peacock, while dancing and winking at Snape who stood their with the most dumbfounded, horrified, anger filled expression she'd ever seen.
"I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock. Your peacock, cock. Your peacock, cock, cock. Your peacock. I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock. Your peacock, cock. Your peacock, cock, cock. Your peacock. I wanna see ya."
Ending with a dramatic pose, the Gryffindor's and Slytherin's finally agreed on something: this was hilarious and needed to be laughed at. Not just snickers or chuckles but full blown, stomach bursting, pee initiating, gasp filled laughter.
Snape just stared at Hermione with the most incredulous look on his face that Hermione wondered if he'd ever be able to take on his usual stoic face again. With this being said, Hermione wasn't surprised when he only managed two words.
"Dumbledore. Now."
As she fled from the dudgeons in embarrassment, she could still fear the laughter that was ricocheting off of the walls.
Dear Merlin, those twins were dead next time she saw them.
After shouting out random candies at the statue (Sugar quills, acid pops, lemon drops, bertie blot every flavour beans, fairy floss until finally she said gob stoppers) and entering after receiving the okay, Hermione was about to open her mouth and beg him not to ask her a question but his voice sounded throughout the room before she could.
"Ah! Miss Granger! What a delight! What are you doing here? Would you care for a seat? Perhaps a Lemon Drop?"
There was a God and he hated her.
"If you move any closer boy there is no guarantee.
What I will do to you I fear it and it's scaring me.
Like I've become some kind of demon in the night.
You look so tasty I could eat you up alive!
I'll eat you up! So yum, yum.
Can't get enough."
Professor Dumbledore's mouth had dropped into a 'o' shape, his eyes looked about ready to fall from their sockets and he looked like he'd forgotten how to breath - understandably so too.
But it didn't stop there.
"Let's have some fun this beat is sick,
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick,
Don't think too much just bust that kick,
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick."
Dumbledore was now breathing heavily, looking around spastically as if looking for Voldemort to jump out at any second and start doing the hula and perhaps declare his undying love for his old Headmaster.
"Coming out your mouth with your blah, blah, blah
Zip your lips like a padlock
And meet me in the back
With the jack and the jukebox
I don't really care where you live at
Just turn around, boy, let me hit that
Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dick's at"
He looked about ready to have a cardio attack. Dear Merlin! She's almost killed the Headmaster.
With a shouted out apology, Hermione run as fast as she could down the schools Hallways towards what should now be her next class. Transfiguration. Please Merlin, make sure no questions are asked. When Hermione entered, everyone looked at her and many couldn't contained their giggles and those that did looked about red with restraint.
"Your late." McGonagall said, not bothering to turn around from her writing on the board.
Hermione, deciding to not test her luck, flung herself into her chair and readied her station, grabbing her textbooks, quill, ink bottle and parchment.
"Now, who can tell me what is the most efficient way of preserving an object transformation into horse transfiguration?"
Hermione gave up right that second. She might as well join the circus. She's done for. If all the people she's offended today have not decided to have her whacked off before she could flee.
"Cause I saddle up my horse
and I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
on my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy."
… At least it had no reference to her peacock but something told Hermione that McGonagall didn't appreciate it all the same.
Surprisingly, McGonagall had managed to keep her composure the entire time. No shock showed on her face but confusion did.
"Mr Malfoy, please escort Miss Granger to the Hospital Wing."
Reluctantly, the Slytherin did what he was told and they slowly walked out of the transfiguration classroom.
They walked in awkward silence for awhile, Malfoy obviously not sure what to make of the situation and Hermione was sure that he'd only insult her if he had to speak and would have absolutely no questions to ask her. She wasn't worried. Well, this is the result of having faith (No matter how little) in a Slytherin.
"So," he started, shifting slightly "Not that the peacock thing wasn't hilarious but ummm… What exactly is with the musical numbers?"
She mentally sighed but she felt her facial expression change drastically and knew that this one, would not end well. The first words of the song, said it all.
"I know you want me.
I made it obvious that I want you too.
So put it on me.
Let's remove the space between me and you.
Now rock your body.
Damn I like the way that you move.
So give it to me.
Cause I already know what you wanna do.
Here's the situation,
Been to every nation.
Nobody's ever made me feel the way that you do.
You know my motivation,
Given my reputation.
Please excuse I don't mean to be rude.
But tonight I'm fucking you!"
Malfoy's jaw had hit the floor and Hermione was sure that if she looked hard enough, she could see his tonsils. He stayed absolutely shocked for a few minutes before a wicked grin made it's way to his face.
"Well, that clears a few things up."
Before being able to ask what he meant, his lips were upon hers in an almost bruising kiss. Not thinking straight or perhaps under the influence of the spell, she allowed Draco Malfoy (To hell with Ronald, he was a horrible boyfriend anyway) to drag her into the closest broom closet and she will confess to letting him have his wicked way with her (Though he begs to differ that the roles were quite reversed).
They left that broom closet totally satisfied and a promise to revisit that small little sanctuary tonight.
Well, maybe it wasn't the worst day of her life.
… And they never did quite make it to the Hospital Wing.
I'm please to report that Professor Dumbledore was sent to St Mungo's and is expected to make a full recovery. Although some therapy was needed he should be back before term starts. He still, to this day has trouble looking into Hermione's eyes.
Oliver Wood was so heartbroken at Hermione's sudden relationship with Draco that he actually cried. After winning the House Cup later that year all thoughts of Hermione were gone. Although, he still did have the occasional dream about her.
Snape, well, his sneer did return but like Dumbledore - he never looked Hermione in the face again. Gryffindor survived with only one hundred points gone. Hermione didn't even suffer detention but then again, after her little 'suggestion' she'd not surprised if he didn't want to be alone with her.
McGonagall… Well, she doesn't seem any different.
Fred to this day makes fun of Hermione's little sexy dance for him.
Harry was the only on who pretended it never happened in the first place. Though Ginny made sure that Hermione knew her place in his life.
"Tell me Fred, was it worth it?"
"I'm not sure George. We've heard stories but we didn't see majority of it."
"Hmmm… Still the most ingenious thing we've come up with though."
"Indeed, George."
The two stayed in silence before George voiced what he's wanted to for the passed twenty minutes.
"Fred, how are we getting down? She took our wands."
"Milestones, George, milestones. We'll work it out."
But even with this said, Fred wondered how in the hell Hermione managed to steal their wands, strip them into love-hearted boxers they didn't even own, hanging them from Ravenclaw tower with gold and red glitter paint all over them.
"Let's just be thankful for now that she didn't hang us up in the third floor girls bathroom."
They both shivered at the thought - but this gave them a good idea for retaliation…