A/N; Um, first fanfic, sorry if it fails too horribly. Reviews re more than welcomed. I think I wrote this because one of the things I admire about Kurt is that he's not ashamed of himself, but yet I read a lot of fanfics that make him out to be super weak and self-hating, which I guess I kinda get, being gay can be difficult sometimes (Hi there, I'm a lesbian. c: ) but that doesn't mean someone has to be ashamed of it. So um, yeah, enjoy.
If Kurt had to assume what words people would use to describe him he would think something along the lines of; fashionable, fabulous and stylish (He didn't care if they were mostly the same thing, after all they were true.)
But one word always snuck up on him; confident.
Now, he wasn't stupid, his 4.0 GPA was only proof. He knew that he walked around with his head held high, shrugging off all the Neanderthals that attempted to be a wet, horribly patterned blanket on whatever good time he was having.
Not that he considered the word would be wrong if used to talk about him. However, there was always that insecurity he kept deep in himself, after all he was still a teenager. And that means that he had just as many things about him that he hated.
Okay. So maybe that wasn't true.
He blamed the diva in him that every time he looked at himself in a full-length mirror he;d think Damn. I am one sexy being.
But the doubt he felt in himself didn't really show up. If there was one thing that his Glee family has done for him is that they accept him for everything he is. A diva that wanted the spotlight more often who spent more that the average person should on one wardrobe and a hopeless romantic at heart. But more importantly, gay.
Being gay didn't define all he was, not by a long shot. He was always Kurt to them first. And that's what mattered. It was like a sanctuary where he didn't have to have every single wall up to avoid any sort of pain.
But things may have taken a turn for the dramatic in his Junior year.
It was all because of that girl. She joined glee, a blonde country singer with a very close relationship to her Lord and Savior (her sequined boots made him was to gag).
After discovering that Kurt was a man's man she would do her best to avoid him but sent him a disapproving stare every time he was in arms length of a male glee member.
(It probably wasn't helping that he kept looking at Sam with doe-eyes when he thought no one was looking but she was always looking.)
Finally one day Kurt snapped at her and asked if she had a problem, which probably wasn't needed since she so obviously did. He just wanted to hear her bullshit excuse.
"What you're doing is wrong. Don't you know that you're going to Hell for it? Honey, you're not right. But I'm sure if you're willing to give up that damning way you can be saved."
She had the nerve to smile at him as she finished, laying a hand on his shoulder.
He didn't care. Kurt removed her hand from his shoulder calmly, pretending he hadn't the collective gasps of the girls. "I don't-"
But he was cut off by her again, many had learned that she had a mouth that ran just as much as Rachel's, as if he needed more of a reason to hate her. (Maybe hate is a strong word, but all his hospitality to her flew out the window right about now.)
"You'll never be happy if you continue like this. It's sinful and you shouldn't be flaunting your ways, pride in something wrong is just making it worse."
And that was it. Kurt had enough of her babbling. He took his bag, slung it over his shoulder and pretended no to enjoy the fact that it hit her arm as he stormed out. As he exited the room he noted with a small warmth in his chest that Rachel was practically screaming at Little Miss Christian with whatever argument she had. Maybe Man-Hands wasn't all that bad. He made a mental note to give Rachel a proper thank-you later.
Mercedes, of course had followed him out. "Kurt, don't listen to her. You know all that's bull don't you? I bet she's just hatin' cause she knows you can more men than she ever hopes to." He let himself a small laugh at that and turned to his dear best friend.
"I know." What killed him is that it still hurt. He wasn't supposed to care, so why did it have to hurt? It was no use questioning it, he already knew why.
It happened during glee. Glee. The place that he was supposed to be himself and be confident that no one would hate him for it. And now, well fuck. He didn't know. He let Mercedes pull him into a bone-crushing hug. "Wanna go to the mall and cruise for hot guys?" Another small laugh left him as she let go of her iron grip. Girl had an abnormally strong hold.
Kurt considered it for a few seconds before giving a small shake of his head, sighing as his eyes glanced over to the choir room. "Nah, I'm good, but you should go back and give blondie a verbal smack-down for me because I don't really want to be in the same room as her right now." And with that Mercedes made her way back, but not before giving Kurt a worried look, to which he put on a brave face.
After making his way to his Baby (which was thankfully returned back to him by the beginning of his Junior year, oh how he had missed her so) the soprano turned on his radio, which was almost always on CD, he could preferred to have choice over what blasted from his radio.
Then he heard it.
Kurt laughed, pressing his head back against his seat as he allowed himself to slump back into the leather of his driver's seat. This was perfect. He wondered if the Musical Gods were smiling down at him right now.
With this song he could show what Kurt thought of himself and country-girl's opinion of him. He could give a musical middle-finger to her bigot way of thinking.
"Oh Julie, you never disappoint."
When the rest of the kids had left the day before Kurt had gone to Mr. Shuester with his wanting to sing that song. Of course there was a feeling in the back of his head that the teacher wouldn't allow him to sing it because of the fact that, well, he wasn't Rachel. But instead Mr. Shue looked at him with sympathetic eyes and agreed, to which Kurt was beaming.
He had spent a few hours in the auditorium after that with just himself and the lyric-less track, trying to get it just right. But there was also something satisfying about singing to an empty audience, something he had learned from the whole Rose's Turn fiasco.
But now, it was his turn to speak his mind. Even if it was in song, but he figured that just made him the classier one.
He was finally going to perform first. Not only first, but by himself. A solo. A solo where he was going to tell that bitch that he didn't care. That he was still going to be himself. And maybe tell her to go fuck herself without actually having to use those words.
Because again, he liked being the classy one.
Having to bite his cheek to keep himself from smiling to wide as the glee club took their seats in the auditorium he took a step closer to the mike, looking at the faces of his friends, and the one that wasn't exactly able to be in that category right now. "Hello, I've decided that the best way to express myself and what I think without, well, being a bitch, yeah I know sorry I'll watch my language Mr. Shue, was through song, a classic song. You can all interpret it anyway you want."
And so he gave the cue for the music to start, taking a deep breath as he started with a somber expression;
"What will this day be like?
I wonder.
What will my future be?
I wonder."
His expression slowly morphing into a small smile as he continued singing.
"It could be so exciting,
To be out in the world,
To be free!" With that line he threw his arms out, only to quickly pull them back down to himself, let it never be said that Kurt Hummel didn't commit himself to a song's mood.
"My heart should be wildly rejoicing.
Oh, what's the matter with me?
I've always longed for adventure,
To do the things I've never dared.
Now here I'm pacing adventure
Then why am I so scared?" He shrugged his slender shoulders, fixing his bang with put-on exasperation.
"What's so fearsome about that?
Oh, I must stop these doubts,
All these worries.
If I don't I just know I'll turn back!
I must dream of the things I am seeking.
I am seeking the courage I lack." And Fashion be damned if he wasn't going to get his confidence back.
"The courage to serve them with reliance,
Face my mistakes without defiance.
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me!" He brought his hands to his chest as he allowed himself to smile again. Oh yes, he was going to show all of them.
"So, let them bring on all their problems,
I'll do better than my best.
I have confidence
They'll put me to the test!
But I'll make them see
I have confidence in me." As the song progressed he let himself look at his fellow glee members, noting most of them smiling at him, Rachel beamed at him for choosing a classic song to sing, despite that they were a show choir they seriously lacked show tunes. How ironic.
"Somehow I will impress them.
I will be firm, but kind.
And all those children,
Heaven bless them
They will look up to me
And mind me!" After this, he was going to be the bigger person. If that girl wanted still wanted him to be ashamed, he will just hold his head up high and ignore her. She didn't matter.
"With each step I am more certain,
Everything will turn out fine.
I have confidence,
The world can all be mine!
They'll have to agree
I have confidence in me." He will still be proud. And he'll make other people proud, not hiding himself to please others that wanted to shove him in the closet and make him ashamed of who he is. He's going to be Kurt through and through.
"I have confidence in sunshine,
I have confidence in rain.
I have confidence that spring will come again!
Besides, which you see
I have confidence in me." Locking eyes with her as he sang the two lines before he narrowed his pale eyes as his smile grew. She thought that she was going to bring him down? Please, sister had another thing coming.
"Strength doesn't lie in numbers.
Strength doesn't lie in wealth,
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers,
When you wake up, wake up!
It can be all I trust I leave my heart to,
All I trust becomes my own!
I have confidence in confidence alone." He was going to make sure that that word and whatever synonym will now forever be used when describing him. Kurt Hummel; confident.
"I have confidence in confidence alone!
Besides, which you see,
I have confidence in me!" As he bellowed out the last few notes he spread out his arms again, slowly lowering them as he composed his breathing, his chest swelling with the applause that told him he did more than good.
"Now, I said you can interpret that song as whatever you deem to be correct, but let me make one thing clear; I will not change myself to fit whatever anyone else thinks is right. I know who I am and I am proud of who I am, and if you think I'm wrong for being proud of being me, of being gay." He closed his eyes for a bit, running his hand through his bang again before opening them to his crowd, smiling.
"Well, frankly my dear," At that he grinned and cocked his head slightly. "I don't give a damn."
And with that he left the stage, feeling that he owed himself a pat on the back as he made it behind the stage, humming to himself. "Despite what you may see, I have confidence in me."