Note that this story was retroactively made an interquel to Ed Without Plot: Double Down. Knowing it isn't required to understand what's going on in this one though.
An eighteen-year-old boy slammed the door behind himself. "Family, I'm home!" he loudly exclaimed.
Nobody replied.
"Hello?" Ed said, walking around the house. "Anybody home?" He peeked inside the living room. "Any humans?" He walked upstairs and poked his head inside the rooms, one by one. "Aliens? Creatures from other dimensions?" he asked. "Mom?"
Silence.
"That's odd." he muttered to himself, walking downstairs and to the kitchen. Then, he spotted a vibrant green sheet of paper attached to the fridge.
"A letter!" He jumped forward, snatched it from the fridge and started reading out loud.
Dear Ed and Sarah,
we have decided to take an unplanned vacation, just the two of us. We will be back in a couple days. After much debate, we've decided that the two of you are big enough to not need a babysitter during our absence. In case anything happens, we still have our cell phones, just call us.
Love,
Mom and Dad
PS: Ed, don't demolish the house. Our insurance is already too high.
The boy remembered his parents mentioning they need a break from it all, but didn't expect them to just drop everything and leave. On the other hand, he was kinda proud that they thought they can take care of themselves. On the other other hand, gravy gravy buttered toast.
Ed was about to pin the letter back to the refrigerator, when he noticed a line at the bottom of it, written by a different hand.
I'm sleeping at Jimmy's tonight. Sarah.
He added two and two together, or more accurately, subtracted his sister and mom and dad, and grinned. He had the house all for himself, which meant he could invite his two friends for a sleepover.
"MONSTER MOVIE NIGHT!" he shouted, ecstatic, and ran to the basement, doubling as his room, to pick up a few tapes for him and the other Eds to watch.
His scoot came to a crashing halt a moment after. Quite literally, as he slipped on something and tumbled down a flight of stairs.
"Ow-ow-owie-ow-dang it-ow!"
After standing up and dusting himself off, he noticed a piece of fabric tangled around his ankles. He picked it up and examined it, only to notice it's a worn-out gray shirt. He spun and glanced at the stairs, only to spot a pair of short shorts, discarded on the fifth step. He instantly recognized the clothes as May Kanker's
"Silly Kankers." he smiled. "They go all the way here to bring me their dirty laundry, but can't put it in the washing machine." Like in most shipping fics, they had managed to resolve their difficulties offscreen before the events proper, during a probably more interesting story. The boy tossed the clothes inside the drum, added his jacket and T-shirt to fill it up, and wasn't thinking anything more about it, for the next twenty seconds or so.
He entered his room to pick up some VHS tapes and a spare shirt, and noticed a boombox in the corner playing smooth jazz. He bobbed his head a few times along with the music before reminding himself he never owned a boombox.
Then he heard a slam from behind him. He did a one-eighty, only to notice a blonde teenager leaning against the door, locking it with one hand and playing with a strand of her hair with the other. She had nothing on herself but lust underwear, matching bra and socks.
"Hi May!" he greeted her. "I put your clothes in the-"
"Shhh." She walked to him with a sleazy grin. "Say no more." After a moment, she scratched her head. "Y'know what, better say 'I consent' or something."
The boy raised a half of his unibrow. "Excuse me?"
"What?"
"Do-do you want anything from me?" the boy asked, unsure how to react.
"Erm… yes, to do the dirty with you?" the girl replied, puzzled by Ed being puzzled. "To make love? Horizontal tango? The not-so-safety dance…"
Ed tilted his head. "I… don't follow…"
"I want you to butter my toast." the Kanker tried to phrase her request differently.
The boy sidestepped, went past her and unlocked the door. "I'll go and bring the butterdish."
"Get back here, for God's sake…" May facepalmed and yanked the boy back with her free hand. "I'm outta euphemisms, so…" she took off her bra and threw it at Ed's face in the least arousing manner possible. "Do I need to spell it out even further?"
The boy rubbed his chin. Then, as a thought appeared in his mind, he let out a prolonged "Oooooooooooooh…"
May smiled, this time in a more genuine manner.
"You're cold, and need some more clothes."
The girl needed a few seconds to process what the boy said. Then, she snapped: "I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, GODDAMMIT!"
A long pause followed, as the Kanker took a few deep breaths to relax a bit. "Okay, sorry," she rubbed her eyes with the thumb and the index finger, "I have some problems with euphemisms as well. Anyway, this is the part where your trousers go off."
"S-sorry, but no." the boy said, a bit disturbed by the Kanker's outburst. He closed his eyes and thought to himself, Ed gets raped in three. Two. One. Zero. Minus one. Minus two...
"Is there something wrong with me?" May asked, disheartened, prompting the boy to open his eyes and move the bra on his head a bit out of the way. "I mean, I know I'm short, my tits ain't exactly Ds, and the freckles…"
"No, no, no!" Ed raised his hands. "You look good. Really good. Your tits are good too. And the freckles make you look cute and almost innocent and harmless." he reassured. "It's not you, it's me."
The girl frowned. "Dammit. So, you prefer sausages over tacos?"
"Well, I don't really think one is better than the other…" he stopped, noticing the girl hiding her face in her hands. "…oh, that was an euphemism too… Still, I don't find one better than the other." He shrugged. "I'm a bee, I suppose."
"Bi."
"Okay, see ya."
The girl let out a groan, prompting Ed to chuckle. "Sorry, that one was on purpose." he admitted.
"I don't get it. You like girls, you think I'm hot, and I wanna fuck you. Hard." The Kanker counted on her fingers. "What's the problem?"
"Have you ever seen what happens to the teenagers having sex in the movies?" the boy glared at her, as if he was explaining Breathing 101. "They get stabbed, shot, cut, impaled, pregnant, sliced, minced…"
"Ed, Ed, Ed." May interrupted him. "This isn't a slasher movie, it's a comedy. The worst thing that can happen is someone walking in on us."
"Now you think so." the boy raised his index finger. "I admit that my fears are silly, we do it, let our guards down, and then BOOM, a guy with razors for toenails walks in and stabs us in the name of black comedy!"
"Um… That seems kinda…" she paused, a non-offensive word, "…far-fetched."
"I'm a slapstick cartoon protagonist." the boy pointed out.
May sighed. "You have a point. Now, can I get my bra back please?"
Ed removed the item of clothing from his face and handed it back to the girl.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Go ahead." she replied, putting her lingerie back on.
"Why me?" the boy poked his chest with his finger. "You could just stand in front of your trailer for five minutes and get about twenty guys more willing than me."
May put her arm on his shoulder. "Here's a funny thing about you: you are afraid of me, but you respect me, and you always did so. Also, you're cute, funny, kind-hearted, imaginative and protective of people you care about. If you ask me, that's a fucking jackpot."
Ed tried and failed to hide his blushing.
"Also," she scowled a bit. "I don't wanna listen to a trailer-bred moron braggin' about how he totally banged the blonde Kanker, dude, she's such a whore, till the end of days."
"I guess that's why Lee often complains about your neighbors." Ed remarked. "They sound like a pain in the butt."
"That's what she said." the Kanker replied. "Mind if I stay around a bit?"
"I dunno." Ed scratched his head. "I wanted to invite Eddy and Double D for a sleepover. I guess if they don't…"
They were interrupted by the sound of the door being opened.
"With all respect, Marie," Edd entered, followed by the blue-haired Kanker, "your idea of how a man behaves are incredibly inaccurate… and…" He paused, noticing Ed, naked from the waist above, and May, wearing nothing but bra, panties and socks.
"Ha!" Marie exclaimed triumphantly. "Inaccurate my ass! Pay up!"
The slender boy begrudgingly opened a wallet and pulled out a banknote.
"What did we miss?" the tall Ed asked.
"Well," his friend started, "Marie tried to convince me to… ahem, dance the horizontal ta-"
"I wanted to screw him, and all I got is a Lichtenberg figure on my tit."
"It was self-defense!" Edd raised his voice a bit.
"You could have just said 'no' instead of zapping me with that thing!" the Kanker retorted.
"And you didn't have to break into my house and await me in a birthday suit!"
"Can you go on with the story?" May stepped in, not wanting the argument to escalate.
"Yes, obviously." Both Edd and Marie regained composure and the boy went on. "We ended up having a brief discussion about how the generic specimen of the male gender usually behave."
"I bet twenty bucks that any other guy in that case would just rip the chick's clothes off and screw her." the bluenette explained. "And he said that it's not the case for all of ya. And apparently he was wrong and I was right! Eat it, Oven Mitt!" she taunted.
"Marie, give him his cash back." May said, matter-of-factly. "We didn't have sex."
The middle Kanker's jaw hit the floor.
"What?!" she blurted out. "How… But you're…"
"I wanted to, he didn't." the blonde explained. "Nothing happened in the end."
Her sister turned to the smart boy. "Are y'all gay or something?"
"Well, I'm bisexual." Edd replied. "But I fail to see how that is relevant."
So, yeah, I'm telling pretty much the same story for the third time. Call of Duty joke goes here.
Ed Without Plot didn't age well. Those of you who want to compare the old version to the new one can find the latter on my dA account, bvader95. The idea of subverting an uninspired PWP setup is still quite original though, which means I can rewrite that thing and still keep it relevant and funny.
And dear [polite] guest reviewer from the original: I don't think I'm better than everyone. There are other authors that I look up to, and am willing to accept that I can be wrong in some cases. Maybe that wasn't the case two years ago, but it is now.
Thanks to Mr. Dusk for providing some colorful euphemisms for me to use.
"Marie, for the last time, I refuse to participate in any sexual activities with Ed for your amusement!" Edd growled. He decided to prepare some snacks for the movie night, and the blunette decided to bother him some more.
"Aw come oooooooon!" the girl persisted. "You said you're both bi, you're friends, what's the big deal?"
"One, Ed's personal hygiene leaves much to be desired," the slender boy explained, "two, I'm perfectly fine with him being my friend without benefits, and three, even if the previous two points weren't enough, I wouldn't like to be watched by anyone, especially you, during neither foreplay nor coitus."
The blunette frowned. "Did anyone tell you how much of a killjoy you are?"
"Numerous people."