Hi, just want to say thankyou for looking at my story; It's my first fic so I would really appreciate some reviews as feed back.
Also, I would like to thank my wonderful Beta AlexisRose for taking a chance on a new writer and tidying this up for me!
Flipping her somewhat-less-unruly-than-it-used-to-be hair out of her face, Hermione sighed as she shelved her books and idly selected new passages to pass the time. It had been another long night of avoidance since her return to Hogwarts for her final "eighth" year.
Avoidance. That was all she felt she could do since the events that lead to the culmination of the Second War. Avoiding her parents, who were still blissfully unaware that there was no such thing as an 'Advanced Eighth Year Program" at Hogwarts, avoiding her friends who didn't know and could never understand the things she had seen and done to ensure that the Light side triumphed. Avoiding the Weasleys: her second family who still saw her as the little Muggle-born whom they only wanted to be theirs and finally- most importantly- avoiding Ron and Harry.
Though they were and always would be her best friends, she could no longer stand to be around them. The Unforgivables that she had had to cast during their struggle to survive bore down on her every hour of every day. She didn't really blame them. They just weren't as strong as she was. Their strength was in stunners and minor hexes that just didn't cut it on the battlefield. She also knew that whilst they still loved her as she loved them, they didn't look at her with the same unconditional sentiment in their eyes. There was a sheen there that showed hesitance and a hint of suspicion that maybe, just maybe, the Dark Arts had responded a little too strongly to Hermione's call.
So here she was again. Avoiding.
Being a well known bibliophile, Hermione had finally gotten into Madam Pince's good graces, and as such was given an unlimited to pass to her favourite place: the Hogwarts Library. Along with the other fifteen students to opt to return to their education, Hermione had been given her own separate quarters in a wing of the rebuilt castle. These two factors were the only things allowing her to survive.
She slept in her room. She ate in her room. She studied in her library. Her weekly curriculum update meetings were held in Headmistress McGonagall's office and conveniently scheduled to avoid any contact with other students. Well, all bar one; Draco 'Prince of Slytherin' Malfoy.
Malfoy was the one person her avoidance seemed to miss out. She knew he had switched to the side of Light early on, before even his failed attempt at the assassination of Professor Dumbledore, but he was still troubled by the 'looks'. The looks from the same people who bestowed them on her; that reluctance to maintain eye contact and the propensity to stare a little too long when they thought she…they weren't aware.
And it was these looks that allowed the proud lioness to regularly consort with the snake, although she didn't really see him that way or consort with him for that matter. They merely tolerated each other's presence in silence- in avoidance. Never acknowledging what linked them but never forgetting it either.
"Granger…"
She didn't want to go back to her room. It was cold, and she wasn't tired.
"Granger!..."
She could stay here, in her nook, get some more books, there were never enough after all.
"Hermione!!"
It was Malfoy. Talking to her. Explicitly not avoiding her!
"Malfoy?" she asked quizzically, small lines forming between her brows as if she didn't quite believe someone was talking to her.
"Of course it's me Granger, we're the only two here, we're the only two ever here!"
"What can I do for you Draco? I was just about to head off to the wing…"
"No."
"No...?" Again with the lines marred her brow, denoting a problem she couldn't quite grasp. "What do you mean 'no', Malfoy? If you're not going to make sense, why don't you go away and stop bothering me."
"What I meant Hermione," Draco started patiently, "is that no, you weren't about to leave. Do you even realise the time? It's nearly midnight and you've been sitting here- in your nook- for over an hour staring at what appears to be a tome on the mating nuances of the South Asian Hippogriffs."
It was nearly midnight? What was it to him anyway? She thought they had an unspoken agreement, that their acquaintance was just that – unspoken, and therefore conducive to the avoidance program that they were both so avidly following.
"For your information, Malfoy." Ha. Two can play the name change game ferret! "I'm reading this for the Care of Magical Creatures N.E.W.T project paper I'm preparing. Now, is there anything else, or can you please leave me to my studies?!"
"It's upside down."
"What?" she exclaimed, the lines returning to her forehead as she struggled to understand him. Why was he standing there looking at her? Arms folded, nonchalantly leaning against one of the three bookcases that protected her from everyone else, or so she thought…
"For Merlin's sake Granger, the book- the 'oh-so-important' book that you are so avidly reading for your precious paper- is upside down. And in French." He was teasing her! The ferr… Draco Malfoy was teasing her and smiling?
"Hermione, look. I know you're feeling isolated, believe me, I know about isolation. I watch you, you know. You go from your quarters to the nook and back, do you even eat? You're so thin and pale you could be my sister if it weren't for that hair…" he trailed off for a moment, looking at her with a look she couldn't quite decipher; pain certainly, but something else too…Oh! He's talking again.
"Did you know some of the first-years think that you're a ghost? They're too scared to come back here for class books because they think the Ghost of Granger's Nook will get them!" His voice was soft but there was an undercurrent something that gave it power.
Was it concern or contempt? No, not concern, not from him, not from anyone. Contempt then. It was just an excuse to berate and denigrate her about her flaws. Again. Nothing had changed; she was even more worthless in his eyes now. The high and mighty Gryffindor Muggle-born seduced by the dark side. That was what he thought. It was what they all thought.
Hermione tried to avoid the dreaded eye contact as she gathered her scrolls and quills and endeavoured to put them in her bag quickly but unhurriedly, so that he didn't know that he had won.
"Don't run from me Granger. I…"
"You WHAT Malfoy?! You want to drag me down some more? My looks not offering you enough ammunition, want to start on my intelligence and blood inferiority again too?" Fuck it, she hadn't meant to bite but he made her blood boil and her temper snap every damn time.
He grabbed at her arm and firmly swung her around to face him, reaching up with his other hand to secure his grasp on her.
"Let go of me Malfoy, or else I'll…"
"You'll what, Hermione? Your wand is under the table. I don't want to hurt you. I…I'm trying to, to…Merlin's Balls Hermione, will you please stop wriggling!"
At that he yanked her forward using his superior strength and spinning her, held firmly yet gently against his body, her back to his chest with his arms crossed across her stomach. She honestly did not know what the hell was happening. For the first time in a long time Hermione Granger, Brains of the Golden Trio, Brightest Witch of the Age, didn't know what to do, so she said the first thing that came to mind.
"Why do you keep calling me Hermione?" It was a timid, hollow echo of her true voice that sounded sad and wrong to her ears, and unknowingly to her, Draco's as well.
When he spoke, his voice was so soft and close in her ear that she startled in his grip.
"I was under the impression that it was your name, granted an annoyingly long one, but unique and yours nonetheless."
"You call me Granger or Mudblood, you always have. Why change? Is this some sort of ploy?" It was closer to normal now- her voice, that is- nothing else in this picture was remotely normal. She was being held, in the library by Draco Sodding Malfoy for God's sake.
"Hermione, with everything we've gone through in the past seven years, don't you think we can get past that and call each other by our given names? I just want to talk, civilly. So, can I let you go?"
Could he? Did she really want him to? This was the most human contact she'd had in months, even if it was him.
"Yes Mal... Draco, you can let me go." As he released her, she stepped away, wrapping her arms around herself to try and maintain the feeling of comfort she'd had only seconds ago in his arms. And wasn't that an oxymoron if ever there was one; she'd actually found a feeling of security in the embrace of her arch-nemesis.
"Look, Draco, I appreciate your…concern? But I'm fine, really, Winky brings food to my dorm room and I study here. I'm already done with my N.E.W.T work to be honest, I'm just going for extra credit preparation until I know what I want to pursue. I'm fine." All of this was said with her back to him as she tried in vain to find her wand.
"Okay." She turned and looked at him with hope. He believed her. They would go back to the avoidance and she could carry on as she was. With a large smile plastered to her face, she turned to him, wand raised in triumph.
"Great! Okay! Well…"
"Okay. Now say it again, but look me in the eye this time, Hermione."
She stilled, not quite knowing what to do. "Draco, I was looking for my wand, which as you pointed out, was under the table. I couldn't very well look for it and look you in the eye at the same time now could I?"
"Good point."
"Okay so I'll…"
"But if you meant it, then you wont have any trouble saying it again while looking me in the eye, will you?"
Damn him, why was he doing this to her? Why did he choose today to break the silence?
"For fuck's sake! I meant what I said Draco, the only reason for me to repeat myself is for your own childish enjoyment at detaining me longer than you already have. Now, if you'll step aside, can I go?!"
"No." Why did she have to choose the nook surrounded on three sides? It was a great idea. But now- now he was standing directly in the middle of the only exit.
"Just move!"
"No. You asked if you could leave, and my answer is no. Hermione, please, I just want an honest conversation. I'll even start if you'd like. Shall we sit?"
She couldn't overpower him if he wanted to keep her there, and this was the most social interaction she'd had in longer than she could remember. So, she sat.
With a wave of her hand, she bade him to continue, watching him sit in front of her and tense, holding his head in his hands as he commenced his tale.
"You know most of what happened to me I'm sure. It started when my father forced me to take the Dark Mark and progressed through regular beatings, to torture, to the Imperious. My..." He paused, laying his hands flat on the table in front of her and looking up directly at her. The old saying rang screaming through her head because she could practically see every beating and emotional hurt through the grey slate windows of his eyes. Impulsively, she leaned forward and clutched his hands in her own, gently stroking his knuckles with her thumbs to encourage him to continue.
Drawing a shaky breath, he started to speak, choosing to re-focus his gaze on their joined hands.
"My mother was the one to free me, she convinced my fath... Lucius-" Another slight pause, where his grip tightened around her fingers as if for strength.
"She convinced Lucius that she could secure my loyalty with the Death Eaters so that he would lift the Imperius. Of course, as soon as I had the opportunity, I ran. I ran to the Order and for my cowardice, my mother was punished." His voice had gotten shakier as he talked. On the last word, it cracked as tears slipped down his face. Opening her mouth to speak, Draco stopped her with a squeeze to her wrist.
"I need to finish. I need for you to understand why you're not alone, Hermione. I have been ostracised by friends and family in the same way you have been for opposite but identical reasons. I embraced the wrong side of magic. For you, it was the Dark curses you had to use to ensure the survival of your friends and yourself and the victory of the side of the Light in the War against Voldemort. For me, it was embracing the feelings of compassion and empathy that are so reviled among my peers and revered amongst your own."
He was looking at her directly again now, his voice having grown stronger throughout the last part of his speech.
"Hermione, our journeys weren't identical but our destination is the same. We are alone together. I see the same loneliness in your eyes that I see in my own. I watch the way you avoid your friends and the professors unless you absolutely cannot escape, and I mirror you. And Hermione, I can't do it anymore. I need someone who understands the way I feel without the judgement and I think you do too."
She didn't know what to say. Her thoughts were jumbled yet simultaneously clear. He was right. She needed someone to share her pain but couldn't believe that he was the one to do that with. She saw the reality of her existence in the pain and shadow of hope in his eyes, and knew what she should do.
She released his hands but maintained eye contact as she glimpsed the rejection there, which he thought was all she offered. Moving around the table, she sat next to him and reached for him once again. She needed the strength the contact offered if she was going to do this as he had.
When he turned to face her- his hand closing around her own- she opened her mouth and began her story, despite knowing it might ruin the tentative friendship that had begun to take form.
"As you know, Harry, Ron and I were charged with a specific task by Professor Dumbledore. He asked that we find and destroy the Horcruxes created by Voldemort to ensure his own survival. During our trip, Harry, trying to bolster our spirits and prove that there was nothing to fear, said Voldemort's name aloud. The curse cast by Riddle allowed several of his most loyal Death Eaters to immediately Apparate to our location"
As his point, she paused as he had, drawing courage from she knew not where to continue.
"Your father was there, Draco. And the boys… They were so scared and panicked, I had to take charge, Ron was hit with a slicing hex and couldn't fight and Harry was so distraught at having brought them upon us, he was sloppy. I saw our defeat right then. I saw them lying dead in front of me, and our world under his control, and I couldn't let it happen, Draco. You have to understand, I did what I thought was best. I used the Killing Curse. I killed three before they ran. Full-grown wizards and witches ran from me. I checked the boys and then we each took a body to ensure we were safe and to…dispose of evidence."
She looked down at her lap, pushing through to the completion of her tale.
"Draco, the one I had responsibility for removing- my third victim- it… It was your father, Draco. I killed Lucius Malfoy." She had to stop. She could feel the tenseness in his body through the link of their hands and thought that finally, her pain would end because he would end it. Now that he knew the truth of what she had done 'on her journey', as he had put it, she was certain he would take the appropriate retribution. And so she waited.
When he hadn't moved in a few minutes, she looked up to his face and saw not revenge, but acceptance there. He leaned forward, raising his hand, and shocked, she retreated in her chair. It was not a strike that landed however but an embrace. He pulled her to him, cradling her head in his hands and whispered in her ear.
"Thank you."
That was not what she had expected. She tried to pull away but he held her to him as he continued to speak.
"The man you killed. The Death Eater you removed from our society was not my father, Hermione. The man who taught me to ride a broom and the basics of how to apply Arithmancy to business transactions was lost to me years ago. The thing you destroyed was my torturer and you were brave enough to do what I could not. When I had the opportunity, I ran from him to save myself. You sacrificed your morals, which for you, I believe, is greater than sacrificing your life. And you did that for people you love, Hermione. Even though I am not one of them and even though you did it without knowing what he had done to me, you did it for me as well, and I can never repay you for that. I can only try to be here for you. To show you that your motives and efforts were emphatically not wrong!"
She could feel the wetness of her own tears dripping from her chin and raised her hands to surround him as his did her. When she felt him start to retreat, she instantly released him, assuming that he was finished with her now, but found his hands were still holding hers. Slowly, he slid a hand up her arm and gently cupped her chin, raising her face to his own. Hesitantly, he lowered his lips towards her, pausing for but a moment to gaze searchingly into her eyes. It seemed he found what he was looking for, as the next instant his lips were on hers.
Once the shock had abated, she slid her eyes closed and increased the pressure of her lips to his, amazed at the surge of feelings coursing through her. Whilst she had always thought him attractive on a peripheral level, she had never thought of Draco in a romantic setting- until now. She knew that part of the rush was simply having basic human contact after such a long absence, but that didn't stop her from parting her lips to stroke her tongue against his, to further and prolong the experience.
Once again, she felt him pulling away and though she tried to follow, he gently restricted her movement. Somehow, she had ended up on the study table with Draco nestled in the apex of her thighs. They were both breathing heavily and she could tell it had been as difficult for him to stop as it was for her.
"You didn't finish your story."
His statement momentarily confused her until she realised that she had, in fact, stopped her story at the start of the events that lead to her separation and avoidance of her closest friends.
"You need to finish it, Hermione. You know what happened to me after I ran. I joined the Order and told them everything I knew, I helped to aid the wounded brought to me, one of them being you, if you recall. But I was not there at the final battle, I was at the safe house, and then I came here. I don't know how your journey got you here and I need to know and you need to tell me."
She didn't have to think it over. She had already told him the worst thing she had done and he hadn't batted an eye.
"Draco, I'm happy to do this, but can we go to the Eighth-Year Common Room? I'm exhausted and there shouldn't be anyone there at this time of night." She stood and took his hand again to pull him along behind her.