Once upon a time there was a giant cake. Once day, it decided it was going to eat everyone that had ever existed, including the dead people. Swinging its oversized knife around with its spongy, delicious arms, the cake began to completely decimate the entire population of Earth. Understandably, the people of Earth were quite angry about this, so they retaliated. They brought spoons and forks to attempt to eat the giant, squishy sponge cake, but it was to no avail; the cake was too agile for these humans, and it managed to swiftly avoid their cutlery-wielding attacks. One by one, the cake sliced and diced each and every human being, sparing not even the weak or helpless. The cake travelled around the world, invading each city, town and graveyard that it encountered, leaving only destruction in its wake.
After its bloody and murderous world tour, the cake realised that it had, in fact, run out of people to kill. So, it made the decision to steal a rocket from NASA and fly to Mars. Upon the cake's arrival, it discovered that there were no people there, either. If the cake had paid more attention in science class, it would have saved itself the hassle of travelling all that way. However, the cake had utilised science class as a time to catch up on all that sleep it missed while scrolling through 4chan at 3am. Consequently, the cake travelled to yet another planet; this time, Venus. The cake had always loved Venus, mostly due to a vulgar word that rhymes with its name. When it arrived, the cake was saddened and shocked to find that there were no humans on Venus, either. The cake had just about reached breaking point; there were an infinite number of planets left to check for humans. It decided that the most efficient strategy to find the humans was to travel towards the giant, glowing orb of light that it had spotted a few hundred kilometres away. Of course, this would prove to be a very dangerous mission, as this orb was what us humans call "the sun". The cake was becoming impatient, and yearned for more human flesh to satisfy its hunger. So, when it landed on Mercury, it was relieved to notice that the glowing orb was becoming larger and larger. The cake became nervous; what if there were no humans on this orb? What if this entire journey had been a waste of the cake's precious time? The cake would become mouldy and stale any day now, and it was well aware of its impending expiration. Its last mission was to consume all of the human beings in the universe, as revenge for all of its friends and family members that had been brutally stabbed as a result of human greed. As the stolen rocket edged closer and closer towards the glowing orb, the cake silently reflected and remembered its parents, and its best friend Frederick, who were each dissected by sharp blades, and impaled with fiery sticks of wax. Those humans were going to pay for what they did to poor Fred…
After what seemed like years, but was in fact only about 10 minutes, the cake was taken aback. The glowing orb was floating right beside the rocket. The cake was so distracted by the orb's beauty that it didn't notice its frosting becoming a wet, dripping mess, and the sponge that made up the cake's head and torso transforming into sludge. The cake swore that it could see several humans standing on the orb, just waiting for their next delicious victim to land. They were, however, just figments of the cake's imagination, as he became delirious from the awesome amount of heat that emanated from the orb. And all of a sudden, it was time to land. As the rocket containing the cake edged slowly towards the orb, the cake realised that the front of the vehicle was on fire. It ignored this fact; the desperation to avenge his family and friends was too great for it to be overcome by such a small, insignificant obstacle. The fire spread rapidly towards the poor cake, but it bravely soldiered on. Eventually, the entire rocket was engulfed in flames, including the cake. As the cake was taking its final breaths, it sobbed tears of strawberry jam, and thought to itself,
"I am so sorry, my people. I am sorry for not avenging you..."
And just like that, the cake was gone. Its soul floated up to visit St Peter at the pearly gates. Except cakes don't have souls, because they are inanimate food products. So the cake just kind of lived in limbo for the rest of eternity. It would never be reunited with its parents, or poor, innocent Fred. The remaining humans of the universe would never be punished for their crimes against cakes. The torture and murders of these innocent cakes would never be vindicated. And the humans would continue committing these atrocities against cakes for the rest of time. What a sad, sad universe we live in.
RIP Cake and Frederick.
THE END