Just a drabble/song-fic of what I imagine Amu's feelings might be if she'd never gone to the airpot to talk to Ikuto. Her thoughts and actions while he's gone. And this is following the MANGA, meaning no kiss. D: Sorry. And this excludes the epic scenes in encore as well. I made this at 11:30 at night, so it's not my best .xD But enjoy nonetheless. The song is Hurt by Christina Aguilera. Review? =)

Hurt

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

Two years. That's how long it'd been since she'd seen him. Two long years, filled with nothing but lost memories that dimmed with each passing day, slowly losing their shine. But the one memory that remained, clearer than any other, was the way he'd looked when she'd said those words to him. He'd never been an easy person to read, but she had known him long enough to understand the hurt in them as she ran away like the coward that she knew she was.

She'd hurt him, and she couldn't take it back now.

Two years; she'd spent two years regretting those words, wondering what he thought of her now. Did he still love her, or had he moved on, believing that she never wanted to see him again? All she'd wanted since the day he'd left was to see him again, to tell him how sorry she was, how she'd wanted him to stay. She'd spent so long thinking about what she'd do if she ever saw him again, all the while knowing that it would never happen.

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes

He'd saved her more times than she could count. He was always there when she needed him, and each time she pushed him away, refusing to let him closer because she was afraid. Even when he'd been working for Easter, he wouldn't let any harm come to her. He always came to her rescue; he was like her knight in shining armor, straight out of a fairytale book.

Oh, but he wasn't flawless. She could remember all the times he'd teased her just to see how red her face got, just to make her uncomfortable. And she'd been so upset with him for that; she pushed him further away, building up the wall that kept them separated even higher, even stronger. And yet he always seemed to find a way around it. He always had been sneaky. Every memory of him was still there, however dim they had become. She tried to dust them off, to see them clearly again, but they were starting to break. She'd spent so long trying to forget about him that she had begun to destroy them herself.

There were so many things that she longed to tell him, but it seemed like she would never get the chance. Would an apology even be enough? The last words she'd said to him were hateful ones. In a moment of weakness, of anger, she'd turned her back on him and run away, the one thing that he had never done to her, not even in his worst moments.

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

He wasn't coming back, was he? He was going to find his father, to fulfill his own dreams. Did she even fit into his future anymore? Or was she just another broken piece to the puzzle? Did he ever think about her like she thought about him? She'd shed so many tears, spent so many sleepless nights wishing that he was next to her again. She'd always yelled at him and run away when he tried to get too close, but now he was too far away. She wanted to be able to hear his voice once more; just once more, she told herself, and she would be happy. But she knew that it was a lie; she would never be happy, not until she saw him again. Not until she could tell him she was sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

She knew that she had never been fair to him. She was terrified to let him in, to let him see the weaker side of her that she had spent so long keeping hidden from everyone else. She didn't even know who she was yet, so how could he claim to love her? She didn't understand him, but then again, she rarely had. He was a mystery to everyone. He wouldn't let anyone close, and she understood why now. She understood that he had been afraid, just as she had been. The only difference was, he had given up that fear, tore down that wall that kept them separated.

And she hadn't.

She wondered if he knew how badly she was hurting because of what she'd said to him. She wondered if he remembered everything that they'd been through together, even while her memories were fading. She grabbed blindly, trying to bring them back, but they were always just out of reach.

Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide
'Cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this

She'd been in a stupor since that night at the amusement park. No one seemed able to bring her out of it; not her family, not her friends, not even her guardian charas. Dia had long since given up, right around the time she did. They'd disappeared a few months after Ikuto did, and she hadn't seen them since. An empty place still stood on her dresser where they used to sit, slowly collecting dust.

She tried to go on with her life; she tried to smile as she went to school, though she was no longer with the guardians. Junior high was supposed to be an exciting time for her, but she just couldn't let herself enjoy it. Everything she saw made her think of the blue-eyed boy whom she had let go. His smile, his laugh, his eyes. The pain-filled times, the happy times, the stressful times. She remembered them all, and in each one his face was the one that she remembered the most. But he was slowly fading from her memory, collecting dust just as the empty place on her dresser was.

She never wanted to say goodbye. She wanted to apologize, to beg him to stay with her. She wanted to be weak, for just once in her life, and let him be the one to comfort her. She could feel his arms around her once more, but the warmth that his embrace once held was replaced by a cold that chilled her to the bones. His face no longer brought a flood of happy memories as it once had; instead, it brought a crushing wave of sadness, making her feel as though she were literally drowning.

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

What would he think of her now, she often wondered? Would he tell her to grow up, like he so often had before? Would he laugh and take her into his arms, and with it take away the chill that had haunted her for two years? Or would he turn away from her if he saw what she was like now? Would he be proud, or disappointed? She wanted him to come back, to tell her how to fix things. She wanted him to take away all of her worries with the touch of his hand, to make everything okay again.

She often looked at her window in the middle of the night, at the stars outside that shone down on the terrace. She always hoped to see a familiar face at her window, tapping on the glass and looking at her with the warmth she'd been missing so badly for the past two years. But it was always empty; always abandoned. And yet she still insisted on leaving it unlocked.

She could hear his voice, telling her that that was how perverts would get in. How he would smile as he said it, ruffling her hair like she was still a child. And wasn't she? She'd acted just like one, telling him to leave and never come back. She'd only looked at her side of things instead of his. She'd hurt him, and she couldn't take it back. Not now.

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

She wanted another chance; she wanted to feel the warmth of his hand enclosing hers as he pulled her along, making her feel safe even when all she wanted to do was cry. She wanted to be able to see her reflection in his eyes as he stared back at her. The eyes that had always seemed so mysterious to her, but were now the only familiar thing that she knew. She wanted to see him look at her again, to be able to see him just once more.

But just once more wouldn't do. She wanted him back for good; she never wanted him to leave her side again. And though she knew it was selfish, she wanted him to only look at her. She wanted him to be hers and hers alone; her stray cat that had run away.

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh

Was he hurting like she was? Or had he moved on? She had spent two years wondering about the same things, with the same questions running rampant in her mind until she could no longer think clearly. They were her lullaby before she went to sleep at night, the first thing she thought of when she got up in the morning, the only thing that occupied her mind all day. He was the only thing she cared about; seeing him was the only thing she could think anymore.

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away

Would he come back if he knew how badly she hurt? Would he stay with her if he knew how much she needed him? She'd thought of all of the things she would say to him if she ever saw him again, but no words seemed to fit. Nothing could express the amount of pain she'd felt those first few nights he was gone, how she felt like her heart would literally stop beating more and more each day. Because the pain didn't die down over time, like the memories did. It only became sharper, more intense.

The noise of a violin, blue eyes, a stray cat walking by her on the street, everything made the pain come back just as fresh as the first day she'd left him standing alone. Was this her punishment, she wondered? She was left behind as he moved on, forced to forever be reminded of what she had pushed away.

Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

She was still a child. She had never been anything but that. She'd acted like a little kid, only hearing what she wanted to and ignoring the rest. She'd let her fear of being hurt keep her from letting him close, though he had always had so much more to fear than she had. He was so brave, while she was nothing more than a coward. And yet he still loved her.

Why couldn't she fix things? Why couldn't she go back, just once, and tell him how she really felt? That she loved him? She was still a child, and she knew that, but she did understand those words. She was in love with him; she knew that. She had known it all along, and yet she'd passed it off as nothing more than a crush. Not even that; annoyance, anger. Anything but what she really felt. And even as he held her hand, she refused to think of how deeply she felt for him, because it scared her.

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself..
By hurting you

She never told him how much he meant to her. She never told him that she loved him, that she was so grateful for all that he'd done for her. She had never told him that she didn't care about any of the mistakes he'd made, because she'd made much worse. She'd let him go under the pretense that she never wanted to see him again, almost that she hated him.

She'd hurt him.

And she couldn't fix it.