Title: Motions
Pairing: Implied Jack/Ianto
Disclaimer: Russell Davies own the entirety of Torchwood. . I own nothing.
Ianto wonders why he puts up with it. He reckons Owen's got it right when he calls him Jack's part time shag. He doesn't want to seem too clingy but the fact is he needs Jack as much as the air he breathes. He doesn't want Jack to get bored and move onto someone else who catches attention. He also doesn't want to drive him away by being the paranoid lover, if that term can even be applied.
He doesn't know what this is between them. He loved Lisa truly and deeply but it's different to his feelings for Jack. Where Lisa provided feelings of normalcy and contentment, in Jack's arms he finds the fire that fuels his passion and the sense of home. He won't use the word 'love' to describe what he feels for Jack. To do so would be like to say that a mountain erupting is just a cinder, or a star going supernova is just well lit.
He worries whenever Jack goes out and does his hero thing. Also appearing at the right time, saving people, saving dreams and hopes, allowing all them to live a day extra. He suppresses the desire to stalk Jack when he's not at the hub, pushes the feeling down, down, down. He resists the urge to contact him every few minutes, telling himself that he's sure that Jack won't appreciate him ruining some grand, dramatic entrance. He can't help but worry though.
He makes the team their beverages of choice. Gwen's fruity essence tea that she adores so much to Toshiko's hot chocolate with extra chocolate sauce to Owen's cup of coffee with enough sugar to give cavities at the merest thought. Jack's cup is more special though. It's made whilst Ianto is feeling what he feels for him. Black filtered coffee, with whipped cream, shot of cappuccino and chocolate and vanilla sprinkles on top.
He hands their drinks to everyone getting grateful glances from the girls and a snark from Owen. Jack's eyes crinkle and then gives him a soft smile as he hands the beverage over. Their fingers touch a moment too long as their passing cups between them. Sparks seems to fly up Ianto's arm, and Jack doesn't seem to be immune either. Their eyes hold promise of what will be, as soon as the team have long deserted the Hub and it's just two of them.
He feels like he's going through the motions sometimes. Torchwood has that effect on people. Torchwood have drilled into his head the need for punctuality and he's followed it religiously ever since. He gets up every morning, arrives at the Hub before everyone else, straightens paper on the desks and generally tidies up. He has the round of teas and coffees as well as a selection of biscuits or even croissants for when the team arrive.
He's not sure if he likes it though. Things are becoming to routine. The long ago buried rebellious streak inside him longs to riot once again. It wants out and do things generally unIanto-ish. He knows it's not a good idea though so he squashes the urge mercilessly. The last time he rebelled was with Lisa and that situation ended disastrously.
He wonders if he will ever leave Torchwood. He can't see it happening though. He was recruited into Torchwood straight out of university and it's all he's known since. Forgetting Torchwood is almost as bad as forgetting himself but he wonders if that's a more merciful option. Torchwood has only brought heartache and pain to him yet he stays because he has nowhere else to go.
Jack has brought light into his well of darkness. He's like the beacon calling all the lost sailors home. When they lie in bed, sated and tangled together, he can almost imagine that they're more than fuck buddies. That there's something more that a quick lay when it's just them two. He pretends that their conversations are like conversations between friends and lovers, even if they talk about work and sex.
Whenever Ianto gathers the courage to ask Jack what exactly is it that they share, he finds his well garnered courage fleeing when Jack's eyes settle on him. He doesn't ask because he doesn't want to take the risk that whatever this is they have between them will end, so he'll suffer gladly in silence because here in the present, the demons are kept at bay.
For now it's enough because Ianto's feeling for Jack eclipses any constant he knows. He'll suffer because for now he has Jack. Jack who set his soul on fire and burns him from inside out. Jack who protects him from the nightmares that haunt him through the night. He'll always cherish Jack even if Jack doesn't feel the same. Maybe one day they'll go their separate ways and Ianto's heart screams in protest but he doesn't dwell on the 'what ifs'. He has long given up on such trivialities.
Maybe one day he'll get an answer to the question that he's been meaning to asking but never able to. Until then though, he'll suffer gladly.
Hmm I think I've written enough angst for now, I'm feeling positively emo. I'm going to be branching out into multi-chaptered fics soon, I'm just organising some of my thoughts and ideas and stuff. If anyone has an idea they want to be seen in a story run it by me and I'll see what I can do.
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