Disclaimer: I don't own anything of Harry Potter.
Note: I was in the mood to write a little canon. This is the only canon piece you'll ever read from me. I was in a little bit of a sad mood so this is the result.
Title: Goodbye before it started.
Summary: How do you say goodbye to somebody before something even started? Harry certainly doesn't know how.
Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape.
Warnings: tissue warning.
How do you say goodbye to somebody you hardly even knew? Or a person that you thought you knew but who has been fooling you for all these years? But that wasn't the worst of it, no the saddest and the most painful thing was the fact that Harry Potter had to say goodbye to his lover before anything between them could start.
True, they had taken the step to becoming lovers, thus being intimate, with all the after cuddles that Harry had become fond of. And they had exchanged promises but that was all. It was all that it was ever going to be. The only thing Harry was going to keep was the few odd things his lover had deemed important enough to matter to him and thus to Harry and well…the memories.
But were memories enough? Could the memories get him through the long, painful and endless eternity of nights that awaited him during the years ahead of him?
He was only 17 years old and his lover had been 37. They were supposed to have the rest of their life to look forward to once Voldemort had been defeated but it was not to be. The very same Voldemort had put a stop to that. And how he had done that? By releasing his pet snake upon his lover and letting him bleed to death.
Harry had tried to safe his lover but it wasn't to be. Apparently he had another role to play before he could safe his lover. A role that should have filled him with disgust but it had oddly enough only filled him with peace. True, like any man who was going to die Harry had entertained himself with the regrets but underneath it all it had been peace and exhilaration because he knew who was going to be waiting on the other side.
He had been severely disappointed not to see his lover but Albus Dumbledore, who told him that it was important that Harry go back because his fight wasn't done yet. It hadn't been enough that Harry could have the peace he deserved. The peace they had both deserved and what they had been talking about for so long, laying in bed during the hours in the night when everything was possible and the ugly daylight wasn't showing their worries or anything else they faced.
They had talked about what they were going to do once the war was over but they had never talked about what would happen if one of them was killed. Harry knew what his lover would say in that deep, shiver inducing voice of his.
He would want Harry to live his life to the best of his ability. But that was just the thing, ever since his lover had died; Harry had been unable to continue. He knew that he couldn't cope and he didn't want to cope with the pain that was going to come.
At this moment he was numb. The pain and the grief would come and they would never leave. They would cripple Harry. He had already seen and felt so much grief and drama that he couldn't handle anymore.
He knew that everybody expected of him. To mourn those who had died and then to move on with his life, join the aurors, marry a pretty girl, preferably Ginny Weasley and sire a bunch of Potter – Weasley children. But Harry didn't want that.
No, what he longed for most of all was peace. He wanted to be left alone. He had wanted to spend the rest of his life with his lover. True, his lover would most likely scoff at that but Harry really did feel that way.
There was nobody else who understood him like his lover did. For a moment Harry had thought that his lover had survived and had simply disappeared but he realized now that he had been quite ill and delusional after the final battle.
Only when they had brought in the cold body had he completely lost it. He had screamed, sobbed and everything in between. He had wanted to throw himself across the dark clad body but he knew that it hadn't been allowed. People would have never understood if their hero had done that.
Heroes weren't supposed to grief for people they didn't even know or were not supposed to like. No, they were supposed to just smile, nod and say what a shame it was that Severus Snape had died in his fight for the light side.
But Harry had done all those things. He had stood on the stage when the Minister had handed him in name of Severus the Order of Merlin, second class!, to Harry that had been awarded post mortem.
Harry had wanted to rave and shout to the whole hall of people who had survived, and some who sure as hell didn't deserve it, that they never even knew Severus or what he had sacrificed to see the light side win. They had all thought he had been somebody who practiced dark magic and who was sarcastic and unpleasant.
At first Harry had thought the same but that was before he had come to know the real Severus Snape. The person behind the sarcastic mask who was brilliant, witty, and sarcastic and who would go the end of the earth to safe those he loved and trusted. It was hard to gain, Severus' trust but once you had it, you would never lose it.
It was a precious gift to Harry but once Severus had accepted him into his life, Harry's life had changed. He had found somebody who supported him, who allowed him to be himself and who above all, loved him and was there when Harry needed something, no matter what that thing was.
And now…now it was gone. The best thing that had ever happen to him and it had been taken away from him even before he could fully taste it. And Harry had wanted to show everybody the person Severus really was and that Harry was happy with his Potions Master.
But it was not to be. It had been ripped from him even before Harry had come to realize it. He had thought that he may actually have time left and to have something to live for after the war was over but now he knew that it wasn't the case.
Those happily ever afters that were written about in the books but now Harry knew that they just weren't for the heroes who had been prophesied to die. And Harry had been one of those. They had never expected him to live and he hadn't been supposed to. He was supposed to die.
Because really, nobody knew what to do with a hero who survived. So they made a special arrangement for him where, instead of sitting his NEWTS like everybody else, he could simply start the auror program. So they told him to marry his childhood sweetheart.
They never even asked if that was what Harry wanted. Well, he knew what he wanted right now. He wanted it to end. He wanted peace but above all, he wanted to be with his lover. And he knew just the way.
He didn't expect them to understand. The people who expected him to join the aurors or the people who told him to marry Ginny Weasley. No, Harry knew who would understand. His best friends would understand. He knew they would. They had nearly told him so themselves.
It wasn't like they needed him any longer. They had each other and this was the only way for Harry to be truly happy. He had left them a note, explaining everything but most importantly why he couldn't continue.
He loved Severus too much. He couldn't even imagine being married to Ginny and siring children because he couldn't imagine his life without Severus. The older wizard meant so much to Harry. He would even go as far as to say that Severus was the one for Harry. The love of his life…but the love of his life had died even before their life together could begin.
So what do you do when your love has died and you're a hero that nobody expected to live? Why would you live?
Harry couldn't think of any reasons. Dumbledore had tricked him into coming back instead of going on like he had wanted to. So why would he stay now? He had gone his duty to the world and now he was free to live his life as he saw fit. And Harry knew what he was going to do; he was going to end it….
He was just waiting for the right moment to take the potion and then…then he would see Severus again. He looked down at the unmarked grave that held Severus' lifeless body. The body that was just rotting in the ground and where no spirit was housed again.
No, Harry had nothing to live for anymore. Most people he loved were dead and he was going to join them. He looked up one last time at the sun as it set. It was one of the most beautiful sunsets he had ever seen, with all the right vibrant colors Severus so loved. It seemed a fitting tribute to him as well as Harry.
Knowing that the moment was right, Harry drowned the potion. It was a type of poison that moved quickly and Severus had assured Harry that it was like falling asleep. Already Harry could feel his mind clouding. Severus had saved it in case he was so wounded that there wasn't a change for him to recuperate, that he would be like a vegetable, well Harry knew that he was supposed to use it on the older wizard then.
Severus would never allow himself to be viewed as weak and he had died like he had lived, filled with secrets which he only shared with Harry and fighting for the good cause. It had been a quick death, one that Harry had been glad for because he wouldn't have been able to stand it if his lover had suffered.
But he wasn't suffering either. All he had to do was to close his eyes. He was so very tired. He wanted to go home and that was where he was going to go now. He was going home where all the people that had ever cared were going to be waiting for him,
He fell to his knees. He was slowly losing focus quickly and there was a great exhaustion stealing over him. He could feel his heart rate slowing and it was getting harder to breath. The urge to close his eyes was too overwhelming and Harry focused for the last time on the name of his lover before he closed his eyes and knew no more.
How do you say goodbye to somebody before your life with them has even started? You don't, you simply don't say goodbye at all and join them as Harry Potter did as he died on July the 31st 1998, following his lover Severus Snape, because he knew his lover was waiting for him on the other side and it was one of the few times Harry Potter was right concerning Severus Snape but to them, this was only time that mattered as they spend eternity together.
The end
So a remotely happy ending. Review of course. Now that is out of my system and I feel better.