Ritsuko's monologue
Title: Everybody's fool Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own Ritsuko or any of the characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion, unfortunately. They belong to Gainax, etc.
A/N: This fic is set after Ritsuko destroys the dummy-plugs and is confined by Gendo.
Review: Oh please do! This is my first fic and besides hearing what you think of it, I'd love to get in contact with other Neon Genesis Evangelion/ Ritsuko- fans !
Spoilers': Yup, quite a few! So be warned.
-
A disillusioned fool.
Never thought that I'd ever be accused of being that.
A fool, perhaps, on the rarest of occasions when one of my theories didn't work out quite the way that I'd planned, or one of my calculations had been flawed.
Yes, there have been a three or four moments where I'd been stunned, surprised, taken aback. I can still hear the few times I called out "Impossible!!" echoing through NERV.
So, a fool....yes.
Nevertheless ; the word disillusioned suggest that I had illusions of some sort. I don't believe I'm guilty of ever harbouring those.
Illusions are unreal, illogical, they're self-imposed wishes and dreams. I never had them, so....never lost hem.
That is not the way I think and perceive.
And I've been doing a lot of thinking, here in this cramped cell.
The dark, you know, is the worst enemy for the lonely. And although my pride has always prevented me from actually admitting it, I do feel lonely.
This would make me a lonely fool then.
I'm not entirely alone, though. I get the occasional visit. Misato has paid me a few visits although it's difficult for me to face her after....well, after what happened. I'm literally unable to face her, so I just sit there in the dark, slightly hunched over, my back turned to her.
She asks me questions about NERV, the Commander, SEELE, Rei and I bitterly reveal all of their secrets. There is no point in hiding it anymore as it has become painfully clear to me that I have no-one left to protect.
Who do I have left?
Misato? Our so-called friendship consisted out of me envying her and she...well...Misato was just being Misato, I suppose.
Gendo..... after his last visit, where he questioned me about my reasons for destroying the dummy-plugs, I realised just of how little value I am to him. I always knew, just never chose to believe it. Leave it. I won't waste anymore thoughts on him.
Who does that leave? Ha! My cats, used to fill the gaping void I feel in my life....I've already forgotten how Misato put it exactly. But it's something to that effect. That my cats are substitutes.
My grandmother? I have no idea. She could never understand me and mother.
Ah, Mother.
Mother, the MAGI. It's true, although she failed me many times while still alive, I know she will never fail me again. Not now.
All I have to rely on now is a computer I call my mother.
Pathetic.
I am pathetic.
I am alone.
And a fool.
God, look at how I'm going on and on about this. About me and 'feelings'. I should have become a psychiatrist or something. But, the few people around me always predicted I'd follow in my mother's footsteps.
People. I never particularly cared for other people's opinions of me. Not like Misato always has.
On the other hand, I know I was and still am...wearing some kind of mask. Hiding behind science, logic. I've been accused of putting on a façade too many times to deny it.
Neither, can I deny the fact that Gendo's opinion has always mattered to me. And mother's. And in a strange way, so has Ibuki's. As my assistant, she never really got to know me as a....person, but she respected and admired me as a scientist. And her constant confirmation of those feelings were...helpful. To me, anyway.
I can't help but wonder what they must be thinking right now. Do they know what I did?
They're probably trying to understand. That is, if they know where I am. Gendo will probably try to cover it all up. I know too well how he operates. What will he use as an excuse? That I was 'let go' because of some 'errors' I made? That maybe it was a decision of Seele? Or that I chose to leave because it was getting 'too much for me'. Or perhaps, he'll conjure up a way to make them, the other scientist at NERV, believe that I'm....no longer alive.
That would be ironic.
Like mother, like daughter, unfortunately.
Same man.
Equal hatred for the same creature. Whether you call it Yui or Rei.
And, the same loneliness, I suppose.
No matter how much I don't want to be a victim, a fool or an open book, I'm all of those things. You spend you're whole life trying to be something you're not and at one point you discover that people can see right through you.
Interaction between men and women has always been a mystery to me, an illogical issue, because I've never even had one normal, healthy relationship.
And I can't blame mother or my genes for all of that. It's my doing. I'm the one responsible, after all. I always am.
I know what they must be thinking of me right now. 'That love-sick blonde' 'what a disappointment' 'She is weak' 'thought she was supposed to be the genius'
I do not feel like a failure. Failure is not an option.
Like always, I find myself having no choice. It's like my life is supposed to go a certain way,...so it does.
I'll avenge my mother's broken heart. I'll show Gendo what kind of woman I really am. That he will no longer be able to dominate me.
Misato called me a disillusioned fool when she last visited me.
But I'll show her.
All of them.
WE will show them, won't we mother?
And we always keep our promises.
Everybody's Fool – by Evanescence
--
without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself, lost in your lie
- - -
I know the truth now
I know who you are
and I don't love you anymore
- -
it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
- - -
it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
-
-
- - - - -
The End
Title: Everybody's fool Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own Ritsuko or any of the characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion, unfortunately. They belong to Gainax, etc.
A/N: This fic is set after Ritsuko destroys the dummy-plugs and is confined by Gendo.
Review: Oh please do! This is my first fic and besides hearing what you think of it, I'd love to get in contact with other Neon Genesis Evangelion/ Ritsuko- fans !
Spoilers': Yup, quite a few! So be warned.
-
A disillusioned fool.
Never thought that I'd ever be accused of being that.
A fool, perhaps, on the rarest of occasions when one of my theories didn't work out quite the way that I'd planned, or one of my calculations had been flawed.
Yes, there have been a three or four moments where I'd been stunned, surprised, taken aback. I can still hear the few times I called out "Impossible!!" echoing through NERV.
So, a fool....yes.
Nevertheless ; the word disillusioned suggest that I had illusions of some sort. I don't believe I'm guilty of ever harbouring those.
Illusions are unreal, illogical, they're self-imposed wishes and dreams. I never had them, so....never lost hem.
That is not the way I think and perceive.
And I've been doing a lot of thinking, here in this cramped cell.
The dark, you know, is the worst enemy for the lonely. And although my pride has always prevented me from actually admitting it, I do feel lonely.
This would make me a lonely fool then.
I'm not entirely alone, though. I get the occasional visit. Misato has paid me a few visits although it's difficult for me to face her after....well, after what happened. I'm literally unable to face her, so I just sit there in the dark, slightly hunched over, my back turned to her.
She asks me questions about NERV, the Commander, SEELE, Rei and I bitterly reveal all of their secrets. There is no point in hiding it anymore as it has become painfully clear to me that I have no-one left to protect.
Who do I have left?
Misato? Our so-called friendship consisted out of me envying her and she...well...Misato was just being Misato, I suppose.
Gendo..... after his last visit, where he questioned me about my reasons for destroying the dummy-plugs, I realised just of how little value I am to him. I always knew, just never chose to believe it. Leave it. I won't waste anymore thoughts on him.
Who does that leave? Ha! My cats, used to fill the gaping void I feel in my life....I've already forgotten how Misato put it exactly. But it's something to that effect. That my cats are substitutes.
My grandmother? I have no idea. She could never understand me and mother.
Ah, Mother.
Mother, the MAGI. It's true, although she failed me many times while still alive, I know she will never fail me again. Not now.
All I have to rely on now is a computer I call my mother.
Pathetic.
I am pathetic.
I am alone.
And a fool.
God, look at how I'm going on and on about this. About me and 'feelings'. I should have become a psychiatrist or something. But, the few people around me always predicted I'd follow in my mother's footsteps.
People. I never particularly cared for other people's opinions of me. Not like Misato always has.
On the other hand, I know I was and still am...wearing some kind of mask. Hiding behind science, logic. I've been accused of putting on a façade too many times to deny it.
Neither, can I deny the fact that Gendo's opinion has always mattered to me. And mother's. And in a strange way, so has Ibuki's. As my assistant, she never really got to know me as a....person, but she respected and admired me as a scientist. And her constant confirmation of those feelings were...helpful. To me, anyway.
I can't help but wonder what they must be thinking right now. Do they know what I did?
They're probably trying to understand. That is, if they know where I am. Gendo will probably try to cover it all up. I know too well how he operates. What will he use as an excuse? That I was 'let go' because of some 'errors' I made? That maybe it was a decision of Seele? Or that I chose to leave because it was getting 'too much for me'. Or perhaps, he'll conjure up a way to make them, the other scientist at NERV, believe that I'm....no longer alive.
That would be ironic.
Like mother, like daughter, unfortunately.
Same man.
Equal hatred for the same creature. Whether you call it Yui or Rei.
And, the same loneliness, I suppose.
No matter how much I don't want to be a victim, a fool or an open book, I'm all of those things. You spend you're whole life trying to be something you're not and at one point you discover that people can see right through you.
Interaction between men and women has always been a mystery to me, an illogical issue, because I've never even had one normal, healthy relationship.
And I can't blame mother or my genes for all of that. It's my doing. I'm the one responsible, after all. I always am.
I know what they must be thinking of me right now. 'That love-sick blonde' 'what a disappointment' 'She is weak' 'thought she was supposed to be the genius'
I do not feel like a failure. Failure is not an option.
Like always, I find myself having no choice. It's like my life is supposed to go a certain way,...so it does.
I'll avenge my mother's broken heart. I'll show Gendo what kind of woman I really am. That he will no longer be able to dominate me.
Misato called me a disillusioned fool when she last visited me.
But I'll show her.
All of them.
WE will show them, won't we mother?
And we always keep our promises.
Everybody's Fool – by Evanescence
--
without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself, lost in your lie
- - -
I know the truth now
I know who you are
and I don't love you anymore
- -
it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
- - -
it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
-
-
- - - - -
The End