Title: Premiere

Rating: PG-13

Category: Sam/Jack, Humour, Silliness

Summary: What's an air force general doing at a movie premier?

"Oh come on, Mr President, I never really ask anything of you!"

"What about the time you asked if you could use Asgard beaming technology to transport you to see your girlfriend whenever any of the fleet is in orbit."

"Well you see Mr. President, in that incident I was actually just joking. I never expected you to say yes, Sir. I would be glad to exchange that privilege for this small favour I am asking of you now."

Henry Hayes' raised his eyes at his head of Homeworld Security, "And what would Colonel Carter have to say about that?"

Jack was a little taken aback by the President's statement, he thought he and Sam had been doing a good job of keeping their relationship under wraps. But then again, he was talking to the President of the United States of America, you could be as discrete as you like but if the President wanted to know the name of your lover not even black ops training could help you keep that secret.

"Well Sir, apparently she prefers some kind of warning anyway. Something about how I always manage to beam in when she looks like a hobo."

"Take advantage of that whilst it lasts Jack. I don't think the first lady has cared about what she looks like when I get home since our first child was born," Hayes had obviously intended this as a joke but Jack did take a moment to seriously consider knocking Sam to stop her moaning at him about the way she looked. This slightly insecure side of her was not something he had expected from the Carter he had known in the field, though he should have guessed, her camera shyness hinted at it.

"I will see what I can do, General. I suppose you've already arranged for her to be on leave at the appropriate time?"

"Yes, Mr. President."

"Well bare in mind Jack, this favour might come with conditions you don't necessarily like. You're dismissed."

He held them in his hand as if they were worth their weight in refined weapons grade naquedah. The sacrifice would be great, he had agreed to something that he was not at all happy about and he'd yet to tell Carter what they were going to have to go though. But none of these things seemed to matter as he held them – two tickets to the premiere of The Simpson's Movie.

He was waiting for her to get back from the mountain at her place, apparently he had not sacrificed the right to take advantage of any 304's when they were in orbit. He had called her in her lab to let her know he was here, hoping to put her in a good mood by being considerate. This was after all her place, even if the wardrobe did contain a significant amount of his clothes. There were flowers as well, arranged neatly in a vase on the coffee table. He thought presenting them to her would make her suspicious that he was up to something and put her on her guard. The $30 bottle of red breathing in the kitchen was also designed to loosen her up. Unfortunately Sam would have to cook dinner (he'd just burn the place down) but he had already chopped the vegetables and peeled the potatoes.

She walked in the front door as he was considering attempting to put the joint of roast beef in the oven to help her. Without saying a word she smiled at him, took it out of his hands as she kissed him lightly on the lips, and set about taking off the cellophane. He knew there was something he forgot.

Dinner went well, she admired the flowers, praised the wine and they made out like they were teenagers for desert. Jack felt his 'evil' plan was all going, well, according to plan. She was currently half asleep lying on the sofa with her head on his lap. Perfect opportunity to move onto stage two.

"You know that leave we have actually managed to book in July notwithstanding alien invasions, time paradoxes and appendicitis?" He received an affirmative sounding mumble in response to his query. "I thought we'd go away for the weekend. Maybe to Vermont, it's a pretty state. And nobody knows us there so there would be no need to be discrete so I can actually take you out on a Saturday night."

"You mean like out to dinner?" Sam asked, sounding a little more awake.

"I'm sure it would involve food..." That was a mistake, he should have just said yes, because now she was sitting up with that quirky smile on her face that told him she knew he was up to something.

"Oh come on Jack! Do you think I don't know what's going on that weekend in that state? I may normally be a little out of touch with life on Earth but I date you, and you've mentioned it, a lot."

"D'oh!"

She rolled her eyes, "What were we going to do, hang around town in the hopes we spot Dan whatshisname?"

"Dan Castellaneta," Said Jack automatically. "And no because I have tickets!"

He flourished them before her and she deftly grabbed them to examine them closer. However the look on her face wasn't exactly promising.

"Can't we just go see it in a theatre here?"

"Sam, these are tickets to see the world premiere! We'd be among the first people to ever see it!"

"Hang on these are tickets to the premiere? I just thought it was for another showing...how the hell did you get hold of these? You didn't use the Odyssey to steal them did you?"

"I asked the President to get them for me!"

Sam's face assumed the look all women where when they give you a lecture for disreputable behaviour, "You asked the President, of the United States, to get you movie tickets? Jack I can't believe you! I mean, why would he do this anyway? And don't say because you saved the world there's got to be more than that going on here!"

His plan had been to let the idea of attending the premiere sink in for a day or two before he revealed the President's demands in return for the tickets. However once again she had outsmarted him, even when she had drunk half a bottle of wine. There was nothing for it now but to just wing it.

"It's a PR thing," he explained. "Fox wants to use it as a "we support our troops" publicity thing. I have to wear my stupid dress blues and the President wanted you in something dressy and we have to walk down the yellow carpet and smile for the cameras."

She was glaring at him, this was not good.

"Look I'm not happy either! I was hoping to sneak in the back door with the press or something! You know how much I hate that uniform but Sam, this is the Simpson's movie!" He emphasised that last point with Daniel-esq hand gestures.

"But Jack, the cameras and the pictures, pictures a lot of people are going to see! Can't you bring Daniel or Teal'c or Cassie or Maybourne or anyone else? I mean I'll probably trip over in my freaking heels!"

He decided to use the puppy dog face, "Sam, this is just so important to me, and you're the one I want to share this moment with."

Man that sounded cheesy, but careful inspection of her face did show her resolve to be softening, and there it went, he'd cracked it! They were going to the Simpson's movie!

He knew she had chosen that dress on purpose, because of the very memorable occasion that had occurred the last time she wore it. It did not matter how many hot celebrities were there tonight, he would not notice. In fact only his near religious devotion to The Simpson's would probably allow him to take his eyes off her.

She was smiling shyly at him, "Too much?"

"I think you'll probably be offered six contracts and two indecent proposals by the end of the evening."

She placed her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrows, "Only two?"

"I've perfected my ability to scare off men with a single glare before they get within ten feet of you," he replied.

She crossed the room and took a seat, probably deliberately choosing a position that best showed off her very long and very bare legs which distracted him from the task of trying to put his damn tie on straight.

"You sure you don't wanna stay home and work on getting me back out of this dress?" She said with a sly sexy smile. She was trying to catch him out at what would be his weakest point, she knew he hated his tie the most, but he was so on to her.

"Now Sam we made a commitment and said we would attend this premiere as representatives of the United States Air force, you know that," his tone sounded like he was admonishing a small child.

"You'd rather go to the movie than have sex with me?"

Jack wasn't quite expecting this line of attack but he still knew how to deal with it, "You shouldn't be upset by that. It means our relationship has more substance to it than just sex- that there are other things I want to share with you. In this instance I would rather share the evening out at this movie with you than have sex. Though I wouldn't say no to both."

He could see the cogs turning in her head, "But if I gave you an ultimatum, and said it was me or the movie..?"

"I would of course pick you."

"It's me or the movie!" She said, though it was pretty obvious she was trying to call his bluff.

Jack shrugged and began to take off the tie he had seconds before finally gotten into place, "Ok, why don't we go give the tickets to that nice couple we met last night in the bar?"

Sam rolled her eyes, stood up, turned him towards her and deftly put his tie back on, "Yeah, yeah. You love me more than The Simpsons. Let's go!"

She turned to leave but he grabbed her by the wrist and brought her back round to face him.

"I really do," he said, before kissing her thoroughly.

The whole red (though actually it was yellow) carpet thing wasn't that bad, perhaps because in their minds they had imagined something far worse than was humanly possible. Every man they met (including Dan Castellaneta, woohoo!) had flirted shamelessly with Sam meaning Jack spent the time before the film started alternating between thrilled and pissed off. He was relieved to get her safely seated next to him in the theatre.

They had both laughed until they cried during the movie, Sam even snorting in a cute but very un-lady like fashion. Jack had informed her before hand that they were sitting right until the end of the credits and they did, along with the rest of the theatre, as apparently that's what you do at a premiere.

Neither of them really wanted to go to the after show party, Jack because he didn't want to spend the evening fighting off the competition and Sam because her shoes were hurting her feet. Instead they walked back to the car with him singing spider pig quietly, drove home with him singing spider pig quietly and got changed with him signing spider pig, quietly.

It was so stuck in his head. It only took a couple an hour to start to irritate Sam.

"Jack if you don't stop singing that I swear, not only are you not getting any, you're also sleeping in the bathtub! In fact every time I hear a sentence containing the words spider and pig that's another night you can count on not having sex."

"It's not my fault, it's so damn catchy!"

She huffed and went back to her night time rituals.

"Spider-pig, spider-pig, does whatever a spider-pig does!"

A pillow hit him square on the head. He picked it up and took it into the bathroom.