I walk into my apartment and throw my things on the ground not bothering to put my jacket and briefcase into their proper places. I walk into my bedroom and take off the bloodied shirt from last nights events. I go into the bathroom and start the shower, ignoring both my house phone and cell phone's constant ringing, which I can only gather must be Ange calling to make sure I'm alright.
I tell myself I'm alright, but anyone around me knows that's a lie. I know it's a lie, but breaking down is not what I'm used to.
Once I'm in the shower the hot water takes away the numbness that my body has succumbed to and leaves me feeling like my world has ended. Tears come to eyes. I can see is his smile. I remember the way his guy hugs left me feeling. I think of the way his hand always found the small of my back. These thoughts make the tears fall, and I begin to cry harder thinking of not only of what I lost, but what Parker lost. Parker. The brightest, most polite little boy I've ever met lost his father.
I sink to the floor of the tub, letting the hot water hit me, and sob and curse myself for the missed opportunities. I whispered I love you in the ambulance to him, but they said he couldn't hear me. I was too late. He never knew how I felt.
Suddenly I hear a click, as if the front door is closing. I stand up lethargically because really there is nothing anyone can take away from me anymore. I shut off the water, grab a towel and step out of the tub. I walk out through my bedroom and into the living room. Nothing is out of place and no one is there. I check the kitchen, my office, and I look around the living room one more time, which is when I notice something that wasn't there before.
On my mantel there is a picture of Booth, Parker, and I at the carousel after a case. We are laughing, both boys wearing matching grins. It has always been there, but now there is a daffodil and a poker chip leaning up against. My favorite flower and Booth's favorite thing. And, as quickly as the pain flooded through my body only hours earlier, it leaves and is replaced with the joy that Booth is alive and safe and that all of this has a deeper meaning. For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I don't want to know the answer because the only thing that matters is that Booth, my Booth, is alive and wanted me to know.