OMG! First crackfic! Total OC! i used my fave characters,and some un-fave pairings,even tho i hate some of these ill ttly use them for the sake of comedy! im half asleep so whatev,right?
(Disclaimer: Don't own anything Naruto whatsoever. Otherwise it would be one screwed up anime...)
i also need yr thoughts! good bad ugly or spaghetti i need crack reviews for a crack fic!!
Oh and a mini-spoiler/apology: it starts out mega crack,then at a point it's sorta serious,cuz im just like that,then the good part's back.
Lee laughed,half-digested chips flying out of his mouth. He slapped the ground in his fit of unbearable laughter. Sakura squeezed her eyes closed,cackling along.
Yeah,maybe they both went just a little too heavy on the Sparkling Cider.
They were in a tent,flashlights ablaze and in the middle of the night,but dont worry,nothing going on in this tent (sorry but my characters are -somewhat- clean!) cuz,of course, I rated this...well T cuz its kinda u no but whatev.
"Heh,oh wait,Sakura! -hic- You have this -burp- big bug behind you! Whoa,it is as big as...heh..."
He squinted to see the ladybug perched on the back tent wall and lifted his fingers to eye level and watched the insect through them. It,of course, being as big as his fingers from his point of view.
"Wow,Sakura...can I...-hic- touch it? Do you think it will like me? Cuz,gee,I like it!"
Sakura cackled too.
"Heh! Well sure,Lee! -hic- It's fine! Who wouldn't want to touch such a fascinating thing!?" she rolled her eyes and swayed dizzily.
Lee leaned over amusedly and started picking at the bug,Sakura just staring blankly as his chest was in her face.
Naruto,Neji,Tenten,Chouji,and Ino crept sneakily snickering,they peered from behind a tree at their comrades' tent,which was about 15 feet away. They,of course, looked like black shadows in the tent,but their movements and figures could be easily seen. They spied intently.
Suddenly their mouths flew open at what they could hear,they thought they themselves were drunk!
"Heh! Oh,wait,Sakura..." they heard Lee say. But they could only catch some of the words.
"Wow," he continued."Can I touch it?"
"Okay,wtf?" Naruto commented before being shushed by Ino.
"Do you...like me? Cuz,gee..." they heard him go on.
"I can't hear!" Ino complained,shoving the boys over to get a better view.
"Heh! Well sure, Lee!" Sakura said."It's fine...who wouldn't want to touch such a fascinating thing!?"
The five chunin rubbed their eyes,not believing what they thought they were hearing. The next thing they knew was Lee leaning in to Sakura,shadows overlapping suspiciously.
They all did a face-fall and started rolling on the ground in a fit of uncontrollable emotions.
"Huh? What is going on!? What is out there!?" Lee said,standing up dramatically.
"What is it,Lee? Did the bug eat you?"
"Huh? Uh...I do not think so...I heard something out there! I think it is the abominable snowman!"
"Oh no! I'm scared,Lee!"
"Do not fear! The handsome devil of the leaf village is here to protect you!"
"Oh,Lee! You're so brave!"
He stood up and ducked out of the tent,hands in a battle-ready position.
"Come out,beast!"
Ino giggled.
"Watch this,guys!" she whispered,then in a booming voice,"I AM HERE,LEE! SHOW YOURSELF! BUT DO NOT COME ANY CLOSER!"
"Who are you?" Lee yelled into the night air.
"Quick,Chouji,the recorder!" Naruto prompted. He fumbled with the video camera,then clicked it on.
"I AM THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN!"
"Hm...I do not see you."
"UH...THAT IS BECAUSE...UH,..."
"I'M INVISIBLE!" Tenten added quickly. They all giggled maniacally and continued.
"You are...invisible?!"
"YES!"
"Hm...you sound funny."
"YEAH,WELL...YOU LOOK FUNNY,SO HA!"
"Well I cannot even see you,so you are the one who looks funny!"
"Great comeback,Lee!" Sakura exclaimed.
"WELL...NUH-UH!"
"Of course you do! Does it not,Sakura-san?"
"Sure is,er,uh,does,or was or whatever."
"WELL,JUST...UH,um...J-I,uh...SH-UT UP!"
"Make him,why don't ya?!"Sakura yelled,having popped her head out of the tent entrance,as well,over Lee's shoulder.
"HA! I DON'T MAKE TRASH I BURN IT!"
"Well the joke is on you, we are not trash,we are human beans!"
"Human beans?" Neji whispered to Naruto,who shrugged.
"Okay,you know what,drunken lovers talking to the invisible abominable snowman is just a little over my head. I'm outta here," Ino said,and disappeared into the nearby woods,Tenten following her.
"Well I haven't had enough fun,yet!" Naruto said,Chouji having paused the camera.
"Are you there!?" Lee yelled,swaying cockishly. "Ha! I bet it ran off in fright of my youthfulishness!"
"Way to go,Lee!" Sakura squealed,then they both collpased dizzily,snoring like pitbulls with sinus drainage.
"I'm bored,now. Let's go bother Sasuke!" Naruto suggested.
"Eh,sounds good to me," Neji said,and they whisked away.
"Ready?" Ino said,barely able to contain herself.
"Go!" Tenten demanded,then watched as she spun the bottle around the circular group.
"...It landed on Sasuke! Okay,truth or dare!"
"Eh,truth. I hate dares."
"Okay...um...ooh! Which Konoha girl do you like!"
"Hm...well I don't know about Konoha,but that Haku chick is some kinda face!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Um,Sasuke?" Hinata finally spoke up.
"Yeah?"
"I don't quite know how to tell you this..."
"HAKU'S A BOY,YOU RETARD!" Shikamaru burst,sending everyone into a fit of giggles except Ino,who was silently crying.
"Okay,I'll spin this time," Tenten chimed,waiting until it landed on Hinata.
"Okay,Hina,truth or dare."
"...truth."
"Okay...um...who do you like more? Naruto,or Kiba?"
Everyone snickered as she blushed.
"Um...uh...Naruto,of course."
"Hinata,the truth!"
"Um...okay,fine. I like Gaara! He's so strong and handsome and his sand gourd is SO hot!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"O-kay..." Tenten said meekly.
"Okay,my turn!" she twisted the bottle and it spun until it landed on Shikamaru.
"Truth or dare!"
"What a drag. Dare."
" I dare you to go put on a frozen bra!"
"...I don't actually own one..."
"Oh,you can have mine."
"..."
Tenten runs to the bathroom,comes back a few minutes later,pink frilly bra in hand.
Shikamaru eyes it nervously,turning blood red and cringing as Tenten planted it in his hand. He gave one more mercy-pleading look to her,then pulled it over his head.
And everyone died a little more on the inside.
"How long do I have to wear this?"
"Eh,till your next turn."
"I hate you,Tenten."
"Just shut up and spin the bottle."
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Everyone turned to see Naruto,Chouji and Neji enter.
"Yay! Now we have 8 players!...I think," Ino said,struggling with her fingers.
"Yeah,you just go ahead...Come in,you guys,we're playing truth or dare," Sasuke said,and the circle expanded to make room for the others.
"So what were you guys doing,Ino?"Hinata asked.
All five of the ninjas that had been spying just minutes ago snickered. Ino only shook her head and laughed again.
"You'll all find out tomorrow."
"What did you do?"she said suspiciously.
"Heh...oh,nothing you need to worry about right now," Naruto cackled.
"Whatever. Come on,let's get this game going again!" Tenten rushed.
"Okay,okay," Shikamaru said,then sighed as it landed on Naruto.
"Okay,Naruto. Truth or-"
"DARE!!"
"I dare you to shut up for five turns. Consequences being you kissing Sasuke." Whom could be seen hiding a blush.
Naruto literally ran to the bathroom and gurgling noises could be heard.
He came back into the room,wiping his mouth and shivering.
"Ugh,Shikamaru! That's disgusting! You made me throw up!"
"Hm,well sucks for you. You just talked."
"AH! THAT DON'T COUNT!"
"Then shut up already!!" he said,and laid back on his hands.
Naruto spun the bottle and grit his teeth as it stopped pointing to Chouji. He had the perfect truth and dare,but he wasn't allowed to say a word.
"Heh,don't worry,Naruto. I'll go ahead and pick. Dare!" Chouji said ignorantly.
Naruto kinda just struggled with himself. Shikamaru laughed wickedly.
"Maybe this ain't such a drag after all. Come on,Naruto. Out with it!"
He shook his head furiously.
"Naruto if you don't he can't have his turn. And if he doesn't get a turn,you better learn to sleep with your eyes open!" he said menacingly. Naruto gulped,cringed,and sighed before saying:
"Chouji..."
Shikamaru smiled wickedly.
"I dare you to pick your earwax and wipe it on Ino!" he suddenly burst. Ino squealed and jumped up as Chouji started digging in his ear. Shikamaru cackled again as Chouji started chasing Ino around the room.
"GET AWAY FROM ME,YOU PIG!" she cried as he chased her over a sofa.
Everyone was in an uproar as she started crying and was trapped in a corner.
"Kiss me and I'll back off!" he said to her.
"Ugh,never!"
He held up a disgusting yellow-globbed finger. She held up her hands and cried out.
"Okay,okay! Just wipe it off first!"
He looked kinda surprised,then wiped it off on his shirt eagerly as her hands slowly came down. Then he looked to her nervously,both were expressionless.
The whole room was in a silent tension as Ino's eyes darted around the room,trying to find some way out of her dilema,but she saw none. She looked to him defeatedly,then leaned in,lips in a twitchy purse.
Then everyone gasped as Chouji brought his hand to her neck and back,and she wrapped hers around his neck.
They all did a face-fall except Naruto,who whooped. The two quickly parted,Ino blushing made their way back to the circle,scooting over to make room for Ino's spot by Chouji.
"Oh,and Naruto?"
He jolted,knowing what was coming.
"You talked."
He whimpered,turning to Shikamaru.
"Now you gotta pay the consequences."
His lip fell in a pitiful whine as he turned to Sasuke,who was trying desperately to look as out-of-place as Naruto.
"Go,Naruto! You dissed the dare,now you gotta pay!" Shikamaru said.
Naruto got up,then Sasuke. They both kinda just stood around for a second,then Naruto gave Sasuke a quick peck on the cheek.
"No way. You gotta kiss him," Shikamaru said firmly. Everyone snickered,but the room had grown tense again.
This time Sasuke made the move. He grabbed Naruto's head and dove in,his lips sticking out strainedly. Naruto yelped and struggled against him,finally kicking him down and running to the other side of the room.
"KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME!" he screamed. Sasuke just hung his head disappointedly and made his way back to his spot in the circle.
"Okay then,Chouji,go ahead."
He blushed again and spun the bottle.
"Yes! Dare!" Neji said without waiting for the prompt.
"Okay,I dare you to go out with Tenten for remainder of the game!" Chouji declared challengingly,knowing Tenten really liked Lee,who liked Sakura,who like Sasuke,who apparently was gay. Lol. Etc.
The hair on her head could be seen standing up,and her eye was twitching.
"Ooh! And make it include making out before the game's over!" Ino added,her eyes darting to Chouji.
"Sure!" Chuoji accepted.
"And they have to dance!" Naruto jumped in.
"-gasp- Naruto! For once in your useless life you have a good idea!" Hinata said.
"What?" Ino said.
"Let's have a dance! It'll be fun!" she jumped up and ran to Sasuke's CD player and popped in a CD.
"Everybody pair up!"
"But Sakura's not here!" Naruto whined.
"DANCE WITH ME, !&# IT!! EVERYONE IN THIS #&! VILLAGE KNOWS I LIKE YOU EXCEPT YOU!!" she nearly screamed. He shrank on the spot.
"Neji and Tenten," reminded Chouji.
"Ino and you," Shikamaru said to them,which both blushed.
"So Naruto and Hinata," Ino said,marking off her fingers.
"Wait,what about me?" Shikamaru said.
Sasuke strolled up to him,trying to act all fly and crap.
"You know," he said,sucking loudly on his tooth,"I'm gay. You know,if you wanna-"
"OH !#& NO!!" he said,jumping away.
Suddenly a loud knock came from the door. Shikamaru used it as an excuse to get away from Sasuke.
"Temari?Sakura? And...Lee? What are you guys doing here?"
"SAKURA?! LEE!?" Naruto shouted as the two stumbled in,holding their heads.
"Yes,Naruto,we know we were drunk. -groans- We can't remember anything...-another groan- but Temari came over and said you guys were all hanging over here,so we'd thought we'd pop by. Is that okay? We drank a load of coffee."
"SURE!!" Naruto and Tenten cried together.
"Ahem," Neji and Hinata said to their dance partners,crossing their arms. Tenten laughed nervously and reluctantly took his arm,and Naruto shrugged as Hinata took his.
"Hey,Sakura. We're about to have a dance. It was Naruto's idea. Wanna join us?"
Lee gasped,apparently sober now (go figure) and looked to Sakura with wide eyes.
"Will you dance with me,Sakura-san?" he said,hope bubbling up in his voice. Sakura laughed,sighed,and looked around.
"Well,it looks like- Oh! Sasuke!"
"Sorry,gay."
She did a face-fall,but shook it off and turned back to Lee.
"Okay,now it looks like I can't dance with anyone else. Sure,Lee. I will."
He whooped and took her hand. They both blushed.
"I'm not dancing," Temari and Shikamaru said at the same time.
"Oh,and whoever doesn't dance is getting tied up to Sasuke's oven at 500 degrees while being kissed-tongue included- by everyone here. Boy or girl," Hinata said wickedly.
"I'M IN!" they both said quickly.
"Well you better find out who with cause I'm about to play the dern CD!" she prompted.
"Um,Temari-"
"Yeah."
"Kay."
"Does everyone here have a dance partner?" Hinata said to the whole room.
"Not Sasuke."
They all turned to him.
"I ain't touching his mouth," Naruto piped quickly.
"Me neither," Tenten said.
"No way!"
"Uh-uh."
"Okay,sorry Sasuke. You'll just haffa sit this out,and no one'll dare go near you,though," Hinata said.
"Aw..."
"Okay,does everyone except Sasuke have a dance partner?" she repeated.
"Yes already!" Ino said.
"Okay,okay. Here we go!" she ran to a light and dimmed it,then hit the play button,where then Barbie Song started playing. Sasuke quickly ran to it and grabbed the CD.
"Heh,wrong one,Hinata! Use this one!" he quickly put away the other and gave her another. She smiled suspiciously and hit play again. This time a more appropriate song played, 100 Years by Five for Fighting.
Naruto went to Hinata and took her hand,placing his other on her waist. She suddenly went back to shy Hinata mode and blushed.
Shikamaru bowed to Temari,who cocked her head amusedly and allowed him to escort her to a place in the room among their fellow chunin.
Lee held a hand out to Sakura,who elegantly took it and placed a hand on his shoulder. He took her waist properly and looked into her eyes.
Chouji also walked Ino to a spot on the 'dance floor' and took her slim waist. She blushed and hung her hands over his shoulders.
Neji and Tenten,though,acted like they did everything only because they had to,but both were raging emotion-wars on the inside.
After the song played and everybody-except lonely Sasuke,of course- was ready to burst with unknown feelings,the boy chunin all did the same thing at once.
They dipped their partner and planted one on her lips.
Sakura flushed confusedly,uncertain if she liked this or not,but eventually closed her eyes and returned the gesture.
Ino bathed in the moment,having been her second kiss.
Temari was caught rather off-guard,but kissed back.
Neji and Tenten finally gave in to each other,both finding love in each other.
And Hinata was ready to faint,her cheeks hot and red.
After a few seconds they all parted,looking around sheepishly,until Hinata-taking it upon herself to be the host of the 'party'- broke the awkward silence.
"Um...well,that was -ahem- fun...wh-what do you guys wanna do now?"
"I don't know about ya'll but I'm starved for affection!" Sasuke burst. Yeah,everyone took a fist to his head. That fixed that.
"Let's go swimming in the Konoha Lake!" Tenten suggested entusiastically,now hand-in-hand with Neji.
"SKINNY DIPPING,ALL RIGHT!" Sasuke cried,getting up,which was pointless cause everybody just beat him down again anyway.
"Eh,I'm kinda tired," Sakura said.
"Me,too," Ino agreed.
"Aw,come on,girls,let's have some more fun!" Naruto pursuaded.
"Naruto,we're I bet Sakura especially is," Hinata said firmly. Sakura laughed nervously. She continued.
"Let us go home."
"Oh,okay,come on,I'll walk you,Hinata," Naruto took her hand and turned to the rest of the group.
"How about everybody else?" he asked.
"I'll take you home,Ino,if that's what you want," Chouji volunteered.
"Thank you,I'm pretty beat," she agreed and took his hand,too.
"Lee,I'm going,too," Sakura said.
"Not without me you are not! It is dangerous at night!" he said firmly and grabbed her hand. She smiled and kinda blushed.
"Okay, please let's go ahead and go,I'm tired and still have a headache."
"Yes,Sakura-san," he said loyally and walked her to the door,waving goodbye to their fellow chunin.
"Temari,may I?" he said,holding out his hand humbly. She took it,head held high,the snob, and everyone exited.
"HEY! WHAT ABOUT ME?! YOU'RE JUST GONNA LEAVE ME!?" Sasuke yelled after them,scrambling to his feet and tearing to hang out the door.
"NARUTO?! NEJI?! I'LL EVEN TAKE LEE! COME ON!" he sunk to his knees,mouth rigidly open and streams of tears running down his chibi face.
"Naruto..." Hinata said timidly. "I had...a lot of fun...thank you..."
Naruto stopped,took a step in front of her and took her hands. Her heart skipped a beat when his fingers rose lightly to her face.
"Hinata..."
"Y-yes N-Naruto?"
"You got a bug in your hair."
"AH!! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" she squealed.
"Heh,just kidding."
"UGH! YOU PEST!" she slapped him across the face and marched off.
"What? Was it something I said?"
Chouji stopped Ino halfway to their house and skid dramatically in front of her.
"He-what are you doing?"
He only raises his eyebrows and started unzipping his shirt.
"CHOUJI,WTF?!" she yelled,attempting to run,but something kept her frozen to the spot.
Then he took it off,swinging it over his head,then wrapped it around Ino,dancing a circle around her until she was in a knot. Her eyes were twitching now.
He shuddered and threw up the shirt,letting it fall to the ground. Ino screamed and ran off,chibi form, as Chouji only scratched his head.
Sakura and Lee walked slow,short steps,Lee looking back every few seconds and Sakura trying not to show her impatience.
"Is the coast clear,yet?" she said.
"Yes,Sakura-san!"
"Okay,let's get the heck out of here!" she turned sharply to the right,hooking an arm around Lee,and started tearing across the woods,heading enthusiastically to the Konoha Lake.
"Finally!" she said and started stripping until she had only her undershirt and tights on. Lee's eye twitched as she dove into the ice-cold water,the moonlight lighting it all up. As she went under water,obviously trying to persuade him in,he slowly crept off.
"Shikamaru?" Temari said.
"Yo?" he replied,hands lazily plastered on the back of his head.
"Um...I was just...wondering...do-...do you like me?"
Suddenly he thrust his arms down,shaking. He sweat-dropped.
"Er-...uh...y-yeah...kinda,I guess..."
"Oh..." she looked down.
Well she's acting strange,he thought.
"Why?" he said,relaxing a little.
"Oh! Do you like Ino?!" she suddenly burst.
He started shaking again,mind racing. Why would she ask a question like that?
"Uh-uh...uh..."
She stopped him.
"DO YOU!?" she demanded.
"Uh,I-uh...uh...I don't know-"
"AND WHY NOT!? DO YOU LIKE HER OR NOT?! WHO DO YOU LIKE BETTER!? ANSWER ME,SHIKAMARU NARA!" she suddenly went into a fit of fury.
Whoa,dude,a preppy girl...what a drag.
"Uh-uh-uh..."
Suddenly she turned around and her shoulders dropped. Her voice was high.
"Okay,fine,I get the picture. You just hung out with me cause Ino was taken...I saw that look when she kissed Chouji...I'll just go if you feel that way,then."
"Okay,later," he said and walked past her. Her mouth dropped to her knees as he walked casually around her. She grit her teeth and smacked him in the back of the head.
"SHIKAMARU!"
"Hey,what'd I do?!"
Neji and Tenten walked hand-in-hand all the way to her house.
"Thank you,Neji. I had fun."
"Yeah,I especially liked the dance."
She leaned against her door frame.
"What'd you like about it?" she gave a warm half-smile.
"Well,you know when we danced?"
Her grin widened and her heart stopped.
"Yeah..."
"And at the end of the song?"
"Yeah..." she could barely contain herself.
"And everybody kissed?"
"Yeah!" Out with it,Nejikins!
"I like kissing you-"
She was fit to burst with excitement.
"-cause your breath smells like bacon and ham. I loooooooooooves me some ham," he smiled in a daze,obviously dreaming about his sick obsession.
Tenten's smile only broadened,only it was really creepy. Once Neji realized he jumped back. She cocked her head as if she was possessed,then she just broke loose.
"YOU #!& SON OF A #&, NEJI!!" she lunged from her porch and grabbed his neck,jarring it carelessly.
Heh,wasn't exactly sure how to end it,but tell me what you think,anyway.
Like I said,this is my first crackfic and Im really eager to see if it was any good,so PLZ PLZ take a second of yr time and review!!