Title: The First to Go
Author: Cassandra Mulder
E-mail/Feedback: dana_mulder32@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Written: March 12, 2002
Website: Bound http://www.geocities.com/cassandra_mulder
Spoilers: "Pilot" maybe, otherwise just general stuff.
Classification: Syd/Vaughn; Syd POV; angst
Disclaimer: "Alias" is not mine. You know that because Vaughn is actually in the show. If the show was mine, he'd be with me, and not on the show. *g* ;) It all belongs to J.J. Abrams, Bad Robot Productions, and ABC.
Distribution: You can have it if you want it, but you gotta ask me first!
Summary: Sydney's thoughts at one of her meetings with Vaughn.
Author's Notes: After three months of serious writer's block, along came this. I'm relieved, to say the very least. I hope y'all like it.
***********************************************************************************
He's looking at me like that again. Always looking at me like that. The rest of his face may be different at times, but his eyes are always the same. He looks at me as if he could see right through me, as if he has no fear that I know that.
I look down at my hands and then back up at him. We're having one of those awkward silences again. The ones that come after he's explained the mission and neither one of us wants to be the first to go. We just sit here opposite each other in this dank, fenced warehouse, neither of us having a clue what we're doing here or if this will all even work out in the end. I'm sure we both have moments where we wonder if this is just a waste of time and if we'll ever accomplish the objective at all.
Why am I thinking in 'we'? There is no 'we'. There probably never can be. The fact that I'm even thinking like that makes me feel guilty on several levels. Maybe it shouldn't at this point, but it does. It makes me feel unfaithful to Danny, like I'm not paying enough attention to the job, like I'm not what's best for Vaughn. I could never be what's best for him. To take this any farther would be life threatening for us both. Even these clandestine meetings are getting more nerve wracking each time. The threat from Sloane himself these days is becoming greater all the time. Sometimes I think he knows more than he's letting on, and sometimes I'm positive he doesn't have a clue. Whatever the case, I don't want to bring Vaughn into this anymore than he has to be. Sloane is ruthless, and if he ever knew, he would kill everyone I care about before he ever got to me. He had Danny killed without a second thought, and I've had to pretend I don't hate him ever since.
"Syd..." Vaughn starts, but I just look at him. I know what he's thinking, because I'm thinking it, too. But we've already been over this at least twice. I don't think I have the heart to do it again.
"Don't," is all I can say. I squeeze my eyes shut as he looks away.
But he surprises me, and starts talking again anyway. He never did listen very well.
"Look, I just... There is something here, isn't there? With us? I just want to make sure I'm not imagining things."
I nod. "Yeah, there is, but..."
"I know. I was just making sure. Syd, I know this is hard on you for so many reasons. I just don't want to make it any harder."
I have to smile at him then, because that's just so ridiculous. Being around him is the easiest part of this crappy job. "Trust me, you don't make it harder. Besides, this gives us something to shoot for, right?"
We just look at each other, still not sure who'll be the first to go.
End
Author: Cassandra Mulder
E-mail/Feedback: dana_mulder32@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Written: March 12, 2002
Website: Bound http://www.geocities.com/cassandra_mulder
Spoilers: "Pilot" maybe, otherwise just general stuff.
Classification: Syd/Vaughn; Syd POV; angst
Disclaimer: "Alias" is not mine. You know that because Vaughn is actually in the show. If the show was mine, he'd be with me, and not on the show. *g* ;) It all belongs to J.J. Abrams, Bad Robot Productions, and ABC.
Distribution: You can have it if you want it, but you gotta ask me first!
Summary: Sydney's thoughts at one of her meetings with Vaughn.
Author's Notes: After three months of serious writer's block, along came this. I'm relieved, to say the very least. I hope y'all like it.
***********************************************************************************
He's looking at me like that again. Always looking at me like that. The rest of his face may be different at times, but his eyes are always the same. He looks at me as if he could see right through me, as if he has no fear that I know that.
I look down at my hands and then back up at him. We're having one of those awkward silences again. The ones that come after he's explained the mission and neither one of us wants to be the first to go. We just sit here opposite each other in this dank, fenced warehouse, neither of us having a clue what we're doing here or if this will all even work out in the end. I'm sure we both have moments where we wonder if this is just a waste of time and if we'll ever accomplish the objective at all.
Why am I thinking in 'we'? There is no 'we'. There probably never can be. The fact that I'm even thinking like that makes me feel guilty on several levels. Maybe it shouldn't at this point, but it does. It makes me feel unfaithful to Danny, like I'm not paying enough attention to the job, like I'm not what's best for Vaughn. I could never be what's best for him. To take this any farther would be life threatening for us both. Even these clandestine meetings are getting more nerve wracking each time. The threat from Sloane himself these days is becoming greater all the time. Sometimes I think he knows more than he's letting on, and sometimes I'm positive he doesn't have a clue. Whatever the case, I don't want to bring Vaughn into this anymore than he has to be. Sloane is ruthless, and if he ever knew, he would kill everyone I care about before he ever got to me. He had Danny killed without a second thought, and I've had to pretend I don't hate him ever since.
"Syd..." Vaughn starts, but I just look at him. I know what he's thinking, because I'm thinking it, too. But we've already been over this at least twice. I don't think I have the heart to do it again.
"Don't," is all I can say. I squeeze my eyes shut as he looks away.
But he surprises me, and starts talking again anyway. He never did listen very well.
"Look, I just... There is something here, isn't there? With us? I just want to make sure I'm not imagining things."
I nod. "Yeah, there is, but..."
"I know. I was just making sure. Syd, I know this is hard on you for so many reasons. I just don't want to make it any harder."
I have to smile at him then, because that's just so ridiculous. Being around him is the easiest part of this crappy job. "Trust me, you don't make it harder. Besides, this gives us something to shoot for, right?"
We just look at each other, still not sure who'll be the first to go.
End