A/N: as of March 2019, some minor edits have been made to this fic to bring it into line with the version on AO3.

Big thanks go out to Nicpie for all her help beta reading this story. Whether you're an old or new reader, please enjoy!

Cut Through the Heart

Part 1- loving you is in my blood

by Nina Windia

In the ballroom, the last garlands were hoisted into place. The room was being transformed: ropes of frost-coated ivy threaded with snowdrops criss-crossed the walls, wicker weave baskets packed full of christmas roses perched on every table. An immaculate candelabra of ice crystals hung from the ceiling and on the buffet table, where the staff stood straightening the tablecloth, stood an incredible ice swan. It was a love song, to that breaking season of dark evenings and crisp cold air in your throat.

There wasn't much time left for preparations. In just a few days time Arendelle would hold the winter ball, and begin the annual fortnight-long winter pageant.

Queen Elsa, knee deep in preparations, tried to stave off the dread and focus only on guest lists, budgets, caterers.

Stood with the arch chancellor, observing the preparations, Gerda approached. In her hands were a ring of napkin samples.

"Your Majesty," she said, with a little familiar curtsy. "What do you reckon? Ice blue looks pretty nice. Or would you prefer the white?"

"What do you think Gerda?" Elsa said. She felt tired. She ran her hand up to her braid of ice-blond hair.

"The blue, maybe. Too much white is too forbidding, don't you think?" said Gerda.

"I think you're right. We'll go with that."

"How many do you want made, ma'am?"

She turned to the Franz, the arch chancellor. He was a squat friendly man who looked somewhat squished, as though a giant had picked him up between his hands and squeezed him too hard. A friend of Elsa and Anna's father, he'd ruled as regent until Elsa came of age. Now, he advised her.

Franz pulled out a densely packed notebook full of scribbles and flipped through it until he found the right figure.

"We've two hundred and two confirmed coming. Though we're still awaiting reply from the Spring City and Corona," he said.

"Have two hundred and fifty made then, Gerda, just in case," said Elsa.

"Very good your Majesty." Gerda dipped in another curtsy, and disappeared with the samples.

When she was gone, Elsa said, "I really didn't expect the number of replies we've had. I'm starting to worry we won't have room for all the guests."

"Already taken into consideration. I've spoken to a number of the innkeepers and come to an arrangement."

Elsa smiled at him gratefully. "I don't know how I'd do all this without your help, Franz," she said. "I'd no idea of the work that goes into having a ball. Or that I'd have to choose the colour of the napkins!" she laughed.

"This is your first major social event, your Majesty. It's bound to be puzzling at first. You'll get the hang of it. But you know… you don't really have to choose the napkin colours. I've told you already: leave that to the staff. You work too hard."

Instinctively, she shook her head. If she didn't think about napkins, her mind would find something worse to focus on instead.

Franz put a comforting hand on Elsa's shoulder. After these few months, it was still a surprising feeling: all the handshakes and easy touches of normal human contact.

"You look tired, Elsa. Why don't you go get some rest? I'll finish up here."

"I'm really fine—" she began to protest.

"You're really not. Gerda tells me you haven't been sleeping. The candle's been burning in your room all night." Franz fixed her in the eye, with a raised knowing eyebrow.

Elsa replied with a purse of her lips. Gerda. Of course. In a castle this small, you really couldn't get away with anything.

"I've said it before but I'll say it again. If you have any concerns you wish to speak to me about, my shoulder is always—"

"Franz…"

"—Because if it's about the suitors and the Winter King, I should say your father always regarded me as quite the expert on—"

"Franz." Elsa stopped him, with a smile. "Thank you."

The arch chancellor stopped. He chuckled. "Alright, Elsa. Just let me know if you change your mind."

What Franz spoke of was an Arendelle tradition dating back hundreds of years. This was how it went: that any unwed monarch would, on the final night of the Winter Pageant, choose from their suitors a partner. For Elsa, that would mean she would spend the Pageant being wooed by the visiting suitors, and choose from them her Winter King. Over a dozen husbands and brides had been found this way. Her history books from her years with tutors told her that it was a remnant, left over from when several lines died out from stubborn monarchs who refused to marry and breed an heir.

Or perhaps more simply, it owed to the ideology she was raised with: a queen ought to have a king.

She was no fool. On the day of her coronation she knew this day would come. However, on the day of her coronation, she'd thought she would be lucky to get through it without being branded a witch.

There were still some that thought that much. Which was partly why they were going to this trouble. There was so much riding on this pageant: not just finding Elsa a husband, but proving to the wary surrounding nations she was not the maleficent snow queen the whispers in the shadows told of.

Her fingers tightened against her palms, threatening to frost her fingernails. She tried to relax. After all, no one told her being queen was going to be easy.

"Have you seen Anna?" she asked Franz. "I haven't seen her today."

"I believe I saw her with our new royal ice harvester this morning," Franz said, a twinkle in his eye. "They were out in the courtyard. Princess Anna was being herself."

Kristoff. Of course. The boy might has well move in, Elsa thought, with the amount of time he spent at the castle. Anna was always dragging him around, and with what Franz said no doubt they'd been thundering down into the fjord on her bike for two again. The two of them argued like an old couple that'd been together for decades.

They really were a perfect match.

"Did you want her for something?" Franz asked.

"No… it's fine," said Elsa.

A voice rent through the air: "Help! Elsa!"

It was Anna.

"Anna!" Elsa gasped. No second thought, she turned and fled the ballroom, following her sister's voice. Down the hallway. Down the stairs.

"Elsa!"

Fear ripped through her, sharp as shards of ice. She skidded round the corner, and came face to face with her sister in front of the trophy cabinet, pinned by down a giant brown bear.

Laila, one of the maids, stood at the other end of the corridor, looking like she was about to scream.

And understanding clicked into place.

"It's not real," she called to Laila. "It's stuffed!"

The bear, stuffed and dead since their great-great-grandfather famously shot it, had toppled from its raised alcove and effectively trapped Anna underneath, its muzzle inches from her face. Its feet, however, still rested on the ledge, which had stopped her being squished completely.

Raising the hem of her dress, Elsa knelt by her sister's side. "Are you okay?" she said.

"I'm alright," said Anna, freckled cheeks pink with embarrassment. "Just stuck."

"What happened?" she asked.

"I was—" she shifted, uncomfortably under the bear, "I was trying to rig up the decorations by myself… but somehow I managed to knock Andre down."

"Andre, ma'am?" inquired Laila.

"The bear," explained Elsa, as she eyed the big brute. In their games as children, he'd been known as Andre the Handsome.

"Anna!" Franz came puffing round the corner, Kai on his heels. Looks of panic on their faces.

"She's not hurt," said Elsa. "We just need to get this off her."

Some of the strong boys were called from the stables, but despite their efforts, the bear wouldn't budge.

"Andre, we need to put you on a diet," said Anna. She was getting progressively pinker and gigglier by the minute.

"Princess Anna, this is no laughing matter," Gerda scolded her. "I don't know how we're going to get you out."

"It's alright," said Franz. "What we'll just have to do is find the groundsman. We'll saw the bear up to get you out."

"You can't do that," Anna exclaimed. "Not to Andre!"

"Dear girl, I don't see what else we can do," Franz said, with patience.

"I do," said Anna. She twisted to look at Elsa. "Use your magic," she said.

All eyes turned to her. Elsa noticed now, the large crowd that had assembled.

"I don't know, Anna…" she said, biting her lip. "Maybe we ought to wait for the groundsman…"

Anna addressed Elsa unspoken fear: "You won't hurt me. I know you won't."

"Anna, I…"

The fear bit hard. One wrong move and the bear could topple and squash Anna. It wasn't a matter of being unable to do it. She knew she could. It was as the trolls told her, years ago, when she was too young, and afraid to understand. Fear was her enemy. She had perfect control over her magic, except when she was nervous or afraid. Right now, she was both.

Anna's eyes sought out hers.

"You can do it. I know you can."

There was quiet in the corridor as Elsa stood, straightening her gown out in front of her.

"Okay," she said.

Elsa concentrated. She felt the familiar warm tingle of her magic in her fingertips. Felt it spread up her fingers to her hands: unlike what most people thought, it was not cold. All encompassing, the magic filled her whole body.

The ground began to tremble. And several jagged pillars of ice exploded from the marble floor. Several of the staff jumped back, as it pushed the bear up off Anna and with a crash rolled him onto the floor on the other side. Anna, safe between the pillars, wriggled out and collapsed in relief. Elsa ran to her.

She realised the staff and on-lookers were cheering.

Suddenly, she was knocked into a rough embrace. Anna squeezed the life out of her. Elsa squeezed her back.

Her heart was in her mouth.

"Hey, Elsa… Elsa, why are you crying?"

They sparkled in the corners of her eyes: painfully hard crystalline tears.

"It's just… if anything happened to you, I would… I…"

She couldn't even find the words.

Night.

Elsa stood by her window, looking out at the sky: black velvet, studded with diamonds. Hung like a lamp above the fjord was a pale half moon.

Several raps at the door, in quick succession.

"Elsa?"

"Come in Anna," she said.

Anna sidled into the room. She wore her nightdress, and her hair fell loose in auburn waves around her shoulders. She looked around the room, curiously. Even after all this time, Elsa thought, she still seemed a little uncomfortable here, uncertain.

"Elsa?" she asked.

"I'm here," said Elsa.

Anna's eyes sought her out in the darkness and she exclaimed, "Oh!" She laughed to herself. "It was so dark in here, I thought you'd gone to bed already."

"I'm about to," said Elsa.

She crossed to the bed and climbed in. She pulled back a corner of the duvet for Anna. An unspoken invitation. Silently, Anna took it. The bed sagged, the sheets rustled, and her sister cuddled up next to her. She was soft and warm.

Elsa wasn't sure how it started. Though she never invited her, and Anna never asked, several times a week there'd be a knock on the door, and Anna would crawl in next to her. But she wouldn't change it: nothing made her happier than falling asleep with her sister's warmth by her side.

"Tired from your wrestling match with Andre?" Elsa said, a quiet whisper near her ear.

"Ex-hausted," sing-song, Anna sung.

There was quiet. Only the murmur of moonlight.

"I know why you did what you did earlier," Elsa said finally.

"I don't know what you mean."

"You've always hated that ugly bear," said Elsa. "You wanted me to use my magic so everyone would see its not dangerous."

The creak of sheets. Anna rolled round to face her sister. "I wanted you to see, too."

Elsa said nothing.

"You treat me like I'm so fragile lately. You need to have more confidence in yourself."

Anna's hand found hers. It was so warm.

"You only get like this when you're worrying. The winter ball, right?"

"Maybe a little…"

"A little?"

The clouds shifted, the pale moonlight extinguished. In the darkness, she could only see the lights of Anna's eyes.

"Okay. A lot," she sighed. "I just don't understand… how I'm supposed to find someone to spend a lifetime with, in just two weeks."

Anna gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. "Don't worry. You're just bound to meet someone. Half the princes in the world sound like they're coming."

It was strange. But somehow, in the dark, Elsa could always be a little more honest.

"But that's the thing—- I… I don't even know if I want to meet someone. I just can't imagine it. Having a husband, a family… it's always sounded to me like something from someone else's life. Not meant for me."

She heard the ridiculousness in the words as soon as they left her mouth. She was a queen. Having a husband and children was exactly what she was meant for.

"You only think that way because you haven't met the right person yet," said Anna. Elsa made a noise.

She was well-meaning, but she didn't understand at all.

Anna snuggled up against her, wrapping a hand around her waist. Elsa felt the whole length of her, her warmth.

There just wasn't room left in her heart for anybody else. Because, for as long as she could remember, there was only one person she could love.

Anna's snuffly sleep breathing. Elsa thought, Something changed when I locked myself away. Mama and Papa, I know they were trying to help, but…

She gazed at Anna's sleeping face, her adorable freckles. A strand of her messy hair fell across her face. Elsa brushed it back behind her ear. A treasure, just to be able to touch her like this.

At first I couldn't put a name to my feelings. And then, I thought it was because we'd been apart so long. I asked about you every day. When I saw you at dinner, and when I bumped into you in the library and made myself turn back, Anna, my heart ached. I never told Mama or Papa, or anyone. It was just one more secret to keep.

And now, you've come back to me. And I'm still having to hide. It hurts more than ever.

And yet, it would be too painful to push her away again. There was nothing she could do. Loving you is in my blood.

To be continued.