A/N: Helloooo everyoneeee! CookiesMilkAndAnime here with my first story ever, Bleach: Talk Sessions! There's really no plot, just random conversations between the characters in Bleach. But I guess you could say that this story is pure randomness and possibly contains the elements in a crackfic. Meh, who cares what this story is. IT WILL BE A WAY TO SPY ON WHAT THE BLEACH PPL REALLY DO! Muahhahhaha.
Uh, I'm sorry about that. You see, I have this sister . . . and yeah. I will be known as CMAA in this story. Enjoy!
And now I present . . . . .BLEACH: Talk Sessions- Chapter One, New Gotei 13!
Brought to you by: the SUPER HIYORI WALKER! Keep on . . . walking? IDK . . .
CMAA: Welcome, mina-san! I'm so glad that you decided to join us today. For our first talk session, I brought the captains of the new Gotei 13 and even arranged for a few Zanpakutos to come in later for extra fun. Everyone, I'd like to ask you to be quiet when others are talking. So anyways, Yamamoto-soutaichou, how has Seireitei been since the victory against Aizen?
Yamamoto: We have . . . –long ass pause- . . . shipped in some weed for extra money. It helps . . . –long ass pause- . . . calm down many captains in the Gotei 13. For example, Kyoraku-taichou is . . . –long ass pause- . . . no longer-
CMAA: OK I'M SORRY I EVEN ASKED! Jii-chan, we don't have all day! It's freakin 12 AM from where I'm typing this! –Face palm- You're just like Chad with that bird, Yuichi Shitbat or something!
Ichigo, new captain of 5th Division: Hey, how you get into da Seireitei? I taught you live in one da Glued Together States of America, or something. I don tink they have Senkaimons from where you are. –He said in English, I might add-
Everyone in the room except for CMAA was shocked at his sudden English outburst. Not many people know English in Soul Society since it is in Japan.
CMAA: -twitches slightly in horror- Glued Together . . . States of America? -contemplates this for a minute- Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! WHAT THE HELL DO THEY TEACH YOU IN SCHOOL? What, does KON take notes for you in class? You have a horrible way of pronouncing English words and your grammar is atrocious! I'm glad you're in Soul Society because if you weren't, I bet you would end up embarrassing yourself in America! And by the way, strawberry, I live in the UNITED States of America! -Uses AUTHOR POWER to materialize a HUGE mallet and starts hitting him until he's unconscious –
Byakuya: I for one agree with Miss CMAA. As I understand it, English is taught to students in the World of Living to students in middle and high school. That would give you three years of exposure to English at the most considering that you're only 17. I don't see why you still have a problem to even use correct grammar.
CMAA: Byakuya . . . You actually understood what he said?
Byakuya: Of course I did. English is a required language to learn as a noble. However, there seems to be a lack of explanation as to why it is compulsory.
Shunsui: Well obviously it's to make you nobles look cooler and smarter –No surprise, drunk on sake, but also stoned- It can also be, like, a secret language that you can speak to other nobles! You're bye bye ringual!
CMAA: Shunsui, you shouldn't talk when you're drunk. It's called bilingual and I should remind you, on Byakuya's behalf, that YOU are from a noble family. Not the top four, but still pretty noble. Wouldn't you know English too?
Ukitake: You have a point there Miss CMAA, but you see, Shunsui isn't the best student around. I doubt he even knows one word in your language.
Shunsui: NO THAT'S NOT TRUE! I do know a few English words and I'll even use it in a sentence. Urahara taught me it and said that they were one of the nicest compliments you can give a person! Here, here! Listen, CMAA-chan! –Japanese with learned English mode- 'Unohana-taichou is such a dumb slut for a woman like herself. And since Ukitake's relationship with Hitsugaya-taichou is so nice, I would've mistaken them for a master and sex slave. That just proves that my friend Ukitake would make a wonderful pedophile. –Keep in mind, he's still drunk-
(What Urahara failed to teach: Unohana-taichou is such a beautiful person for a woman like herself. And since Ukitake's relationship with Hitsugaya-taichou is so nice, I would've mistaken them for a father and son. That just proves that my friend Ukitake would make a wonderful parent.)
CMAA: -spits out her tea on Shunsui- First Ichigo and now you? Is the weed seriously getting to everyone like that? I-Ichigo, Byakuya, did you understand what he just said?
Ichigo and Byakuya: I have never heard those words in my entire life. What did he say?
CMAA: -Looks at Unohana, Ukitake, and Hitsugaya in horror-
Unohana, Ukitake, Hitsugaya: Is something wrong?
CMAA: Uh nope. . . No, no of course not! . . . NO NOTHING'S WRONG! SHUNSUI DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT UNOHANA WAS A DUMB SLUT AND HE DEFINITELY DIDN'T CALL YOU A PEDOPHILE WITH TOSHIRO, UKITAKE-TAICHOU. (In Japanese this time)
Unohana, Ukitake, Toshiro: What? KYORAKU GET YOUR DRUNK AND STONED ASS OVER HERE! –Start chasing Shunsui with drawn Zanpakuto-
Shunsui: -cries- What did I say? Unohana you are a dumb slut (beautiful woman) and Ukitake seems like such a pedophile (such a father) towards little Shiro-chan! –Jumps out the window-
Unohana, Ukitake, Shiro-chan: He did it again didn't he?
CMAA: …Yes.
Unohana: COME
Ukitake: BACK
Hitsugaya: HERE! –Jump out the window to follow him, Zanpakutos released by now-
CMAA: Hey wait, speaking of Zanpakuto, where the hell are the materializations I asked for, Mayuri? I specifically said to have Zangetsu, Zabimaru, Sode no Shirayuki, and Senbonzakura delivered to the captains' meeting room at 10 AM TODAY! And it is now 4 PM.
Kurotsuchi: Nemu was supposed to take care of that, but I can see that she's still a useless creation! She is, what did that drunken captain say again, oh yes: A dumb slut. I will have the Zanpakutos set up for the next chapter, CMAA.
CMAA: Damn it! Fine. Oh on another note, where is Kenpachi? I didn't see him when I was materializing into Seireitei.
Ichigo: I sent him and Yachiru into Rukongai so he wouldn't challenge me to a fight to the death anymore. They should be lost by now.
CMAA: -face palm- IDIOT! They had the best parts planned out! Now the first chapter is all ruined thanks to your fear! You should be very thankful that I didn't kill off your character yet!
Ichigo: -cowers in fear- I-I-I'm sorry!
CMAA:-satisfied- Good. You stay in that corner and think about what you've done. Now then, Soifon-taichou, would you like to accompany me to the real world to have a 'talk' with Urahara-san? Komamura-taichou, Renji, Neliel, you can come along too.
Soifon: Of course I would like to come along. I'm sure Yoruichi-sama will be there and I will rescue her from that monster's grasp! –Grabs sword and takes a princely stance-
-Everyone backs away . . . slowly-
Komamura: Please do not take this the wrong way but I'd like to stay here, Miss CMAA. There is some work that needs to be finished in my division's barracks and I am needed to oversee it. But, can you please ask Miss Orihime for another comb for me? It seems that it has disappeared along with my lieutenant this morning.
CMAA: Will do, sir.
Renji, new captain of 9th Division: Sure, why not. Haven't been to Karakura Town for a while now but the minute they call me Free-Loader-san, I'm heading back.
Neliel, new captain of 3rd: I'd be delighted to. I've never actually seen what the World of Living looks like! This is going to be so much fun!
CMAA: Yoshi, let's go then! Neliel, can you open a Garganta to Karakura Town? From what I've heard, it's faster than a Senkaimon. We'll beat some, I mean talk some, sense into Urahara and we can go shopping with Yoruichi-san.
Neliel: The Garganta's already opened and ready.
Soifon: Oh Yoruichi-sama . . . –Umm we'll just call it 'fantasies'-
CMAA: What did I get myself into when I signed a contract to host this story? -grabs Renji, Neliel and a dazed Soifon into the Garganta-
Mina-san! We encourage you to join us again for chapter two: The Zanpakutos. Our guests for tomorrow will be Sode no Shirayuki, Senbonzakura, Zangetsu, Zabimaru, and Shirosaki! Until next time my dear readers, mata ne!"
A/N: So what did you think? You can be a character in here too if you tell me a name and a few things you should do with the characters during Talk Session. (Remember, our rating is T because of Shunsui's dirty language and Kon's appearance in the next few chapters!) Tell me if this script mode bothers you or not and if I should have less of my character.
Umm… what else . . . OH RIGHT. Constructive criticism is taken, FLAMES are not. Also, send in some topics that you want our lovely Bleach characters to cover during a session. Today's Talk Session was: Language.