My old man is a bad man
But I can't deny the way he holds my hand
And he grabs me, he has me by my heart
He doesn't mind I have a Las Vegas past
He doesn't mind I have a L.A. crass way about me
He loves me with every beat of his cocaine heart
-Lana Del Rey, Off to The Races
The hallway to the Joker's cell is it's own floor.
I have to pass row after row of empty cells, the silence a testament to how dangerous they think he is.
But like any danger, he constantly reminds me that danger is only danger if you have something to compare it to.
I want to laugh- the entire asylum is terrified.
My shirt is the softest I could find, but it rubs against my back, stinging enough to make me shiver.
The wanting makes me feel like I'm drowning. As if he could melt me away, like candle wax, into something else altogether.
And I'd let him. He just has to say it.
I'm maudlin tonight. I haven't slept for days and at times like these it seems that the line between what I can do, and what I should do, blurs- a satisfying loss of control.
The thought makes me laugh, and I pour myself another scotch. I'm dangerously drunk now, and the remnants of the coke I was doing earlier are still throbbing through my system like knives.
I'm hazy with the need to hurt something, but my "free time" agreement with Waller precludes going and burning down a city block.
The thought of Waller's collar makes me angrier. I really should-
Fuck off Johnny.
I raise a hand and point him out.
Go on.
He stays, wavering. Fuck. I slug some more scotch.
WHAT? He shifts back slightly. Good. He should be afraid.
"She's here boss."
Tell waller now is not the fucking time, alright. show her out the back and get her somewhere that's not within a 10 block radius.
"Not Waller. Her." he mutters.
Hmmm.
And I watch the Boss roll his shoulders like a pent up animal. I told her to leave, but she wouldn't. That little girl is like a pitbull terrier, and she obviously has the bit between her teeth. It's a bad combination. J is drunk, fucked up, and plain angry. I can't help but feel like I should have told her he wasn't here. Not that she would have taken that.
The Boss seems to resolve, and downs some more booze, then sucks up a bit more coke. And suddenly he's right in front of me, leaning so close I almost step back.
"Well, come on Johnny. Let's go play. Close the curtains, would you?"
And that's when I know she's really in trouble.
Where the fuck is he? I know he's here. The vibe is too frenetic for him not to be. Lolita is pumping out through the sound system, and it's so loud I can feel the bass through my feet.
And then he's strolling out in front of Johnny.
His tuxedo shirt is undone to the waist, and he strolls along, barefoot, comfortably languid. If I hadn't spent so much time with him, I'd think he's relaxed.
He's sipping something the color of dark tea. Halfway across the floor, Johnny stops him, and tries to take off his shoulder holster.
J shrugs him off and waves a finger at him, then seems to point him elsewhere.
Johnny takes the hint. Maybe I should've too.
But it's too late for that. He's seen me.
He smiles, and it makes my heart beat faster.
It only takes him another couple of seconds to cross over to me.
J-
and then his hand is around my jaw and I'm up against the club wall. He leans to the side to sip some more of whatever it is that he's swallowing like water, his hipbone pinning me in place. And then he squeezes and leans in and whispers "Well you called for me and here I am. Was it the right decision? What can I do for you?" And I can smell the alcohol on his breath but underneath it is something that smells like yearning. I can't seem to breathe, let alone say what I came to say.
He laughs again, a low chuckle, and then leans in. "Do you like me now?" And his stare is like something lost.
He lets go and leans back. "Go home little girl. You took a wrong turn. Here there are monsters." His laugh is bitter and it makes me shiver, and then he's gone, crossing the floor more lithely than I would've expected someone that under the weather to. I should leave.
I can't.
I cross along after him. The curtain on his booth is closed. I really should be leaving but I stay. Dissolved Girl opens, and as it does, I take a moment.
This is insane.
And then I open the curtain, and slide in after him. He's pulling off his shirt, and pouring another drink. Casual as you please he picks up a pistol and turns.
You're still here.
She says nothing, but then again I do have a gun shoved into her jaw, so that might have something to do with it.
I can't help but laugh. She's shivering.
Well sit the fuck down then. I'm not going to shoot you. I'd have to clean it up. Time for some more coke. Whatever the hell she wants she's not leaving. I chase it with some more scotch. She's looking more frightened by the second. I fucking warned her. Her fear makes me hard. I could fucking drink it. Tell me, and I slug some more drink.. what is it that you want, as clearly you think I'm at your service today. Spit it out sweetheart. I think I might have finally shut the good doctor up. It's a miracle. Ordinarily she won't stop talking. She gapes at me like a fish, and truth be told I'm running out of patience. I pour some more to drink and take a bit more coke. She looks more frightened by the second. For fucks sake. She's starting to flush. I do like that color though.
Well, Doctor, I think we'll just have to talk, about what I want, won't we?
And before she can anticipate it, I put down my drink and step, yanking her forward arm around the sweet Doctor's waist, the other yanking her shirt back down over her shoulders by the collar. The speakers switch over to Cola. Perfect. She starting to struggle, though. Oh well, has the little birdy found her voice. It's too late now. I warned her. I lean forward over her, forcing her down over the table and make sure she can see my hand is on the switchblade next to her fucking head. And lean down on her bare scarred back and laugh. I know she can feel the rumble of it, because she relaxes, ever so slightly.
Mistake. I slam the knife down hard and she startles, and i force a knee up between her legs.
"J-"
Shhhhhh. I gave you your chance, you wasted it, pretty. I don't like being toyed with. I drop the blade and stuff what remains of her shirt in her mouth, and twist her hand back around her back. I pick up the blade again, and let her hear the click as I flick it open. I flick her hair off her neck with it, and then trace my way down the property of, and all the way down her back and into the scar tissue. Hmm. Shame I can't put my own picture here sweetheart. Someone got there first. I pull her skirt up, and stroke her through her good girl panties until I can feel a well of fluid under my hand. Then, quickly, I do what I've wanted to all along. I take the blade and slice a J straight into the scar tissue on her back.
Talk about compromised. I came here to talk to him, and his hand is on my cunt and chest is warm against my back and it's all I ever fucking wanted. I could stay right here until the end of time, until the earth stops turning. All it does is remind me how wrong I've been from the very start. And then pain. He's cut my back. It hurts so much it makes me cry out.
Hmmm. He rumbles a laugh, and touches me more firmly as he runs the knife through again. Hard and fast, and I'm this close to coming on his hand, and I don't care about what I'm supposed to be.
I just want this, and I'd give anything, anything at all for him to love me. Because the pain feels right.
"No. Not yet. I'm not done with you yet", and he's breathing it into my ear like hot fire.
Lick it. You made it, now seal it. And the words have escaped out my mouth like a betrayal of everything I ever intended.
He laughs that rumbling, angry laugh again and I hear the clink of a glass, and then he shoves a straw in my nose and tells me to breathe in. I do, and the drugs hit my system like fire and it makes me groan. It makes me shudder, and he shoves a firm hand right into his cut, and and the pain feels like breathing.
"Stay." It's a command.
And he takes his hands away and the loss makes me want to cry. I can't hear anything but the fumble of clothing and the sound the vinyl makes as he sits behind me, and the thought that he's level with my cunt makes me flush again. He yanks my skirt off and slams his hands into the backs of my thighs, and circles in ever more closely.
The track switches to Everything In It's Right Place, and he chuckles that warm laugh again, and I should leave, run while I still can.
She's bent over like trapped animal and shivering and all I'm doing is touching her thighs.
The track rolls over to strangers on a train, and it's all fucked up. I'm higher than fucking god and I want to hurt her as much as I want to come in her tight cunt.
The thought makes me laugh, and she moves as if she's really going to go somewhere.
I don't think so. You're mine now sweetheart, I wrote it on you.
And I yank her panties down and shove her legs apart and start licking her cunt. She tastes like sweat and oblivion.
Fucking stay still. and I grab her just over the cut and push the skin upwards and hold her still and swirl my tongue over her clit and she's finally doing what she's told and it's like hot syrup and I can't help but fist my cock.
I speed up, putting pressure on her- part of me wants her to disobey. I'm in a punishing mood. When she does I'm going to shove my cock in her.
She's warm and soft and it thrums through my veins like the perfect drug.
Finally. She shivers and that's enough. I'm up before she's done breathing.
"I said, stay fucking still" and his breath is hot in my ear and his breath is on my neck and I can feel everything all at once and it's fucking terrifying.
And then he forces my legs wider and pushes straight in, holding me down by the back of my neck and it's so good I could run mad.
With every pump his other hand is on my clit and it occurs to me that he's fucking me and fucking with me, and the laughter bubbles out of me like acid.
And he takes his hand away but I couldn't care less.
And then he's leaning over me again and all I want is right here.
I lean down over her, hand on her clit. I want her to feel just how crazy she makes me feel. How out of control. How it makes me want to hurt her, just so I'm not alone.
I take another slug of my drink and then slam it down, and she jumps, and I just laugh and knuckle into her pussy harder.
She has one more chance.
So tell me... what is it you wanted. Did you get it? Tell me and.... I let it hang. Let her take what she wants from it. Right now I could strangle her just as easily as I could let her finish. It's on you darling. How do you want this to end Harley?
And I lean down over her, shoving into her harder and christ she's tight and wet and finally, finally, she speaks.
"I wanted to know..."
Yes? Hurry up.
"I wanted to know if you love me. If you could love me."
And the rage under my skin is so hot I feel like I'm burning. A few little words and it's all out of control.
I can't answer her, won't.
She couldn't have been crueler if she'd fucking tried. And so instead I lean down and lick the marks I made, hard, so she can feel my teeth and she moans but I lean up and I can see the tears falling and I'm furious.
Alright. Alright. Come on now. Come on me. And like letting go she does and it feels like drowning and all I can hear is the roaring in my ears and I can't do anything but bite her.
And then it's over. I pull out and don't even clean her up, I just yank my pants back up and pick up the bottle. A little more coke would do just fine.
And between us, laid bare, like burning, are the stakes.
There's nothing at all to say, and her sobs echo sharply, into silence.
Get out. Get out while you still can.
I pour some of my scotch on her back and throw my shirt at her and make sure to walk around the other side of the table as I leave.
And as I get closer to The Joker's door, I want to run in the other direction because he couldn't say it. My back stings like a reminder.
And then I hear it. The sound of machine gun fire and then someone's hit me and I'm dazed, and I'm being carried up the hallway to the electrotherapy room.
The guys holding me have a rough grip, and one of them stands between my legs as he holds me down and straps me to the table.
And then he's leaning over me and a bright light is in my eyes and he looks at me, for a moment.
"Oh I'm not gonna kill you. I'm just going to hurt you. really, really bad."
I can take it. And I can. And he leans down and puts the strap in my mouth and leans down to whisper in my ear.
"I love you Princess." I smile up at him as he turns up the voltage.