She couldn't, until she could. It had always been so for Pearl when it came to the enigmatic Rose Quartz who had won her loyalty and captured her heart.
Pearl could still remember that first time she laid eyes on the Rose Quartz that shone the brightest. Amongst the soldiers pledging their fealty just after creation, she stood out. Though her hands were composed in the customary diamond salute, there was something less rigid in how she held herself. The hard edges that those around her possessed, they didn't seem wholly present. Strength, certainly, but fluid in a way that Pearl had never known existed. The quartz's stance was not servile, nor did she give the air of submission to a greater authority. She didn't break rank, but she looked as if she would like to.
It wasn't until her second sighting of the gem that she would even find the words to describe what she felt.
Unlike the first encounter, in which Pearl was present solely to attend to her Diamond and thus hadn't even considered interaction with the quartz, the second time was far more personal. Though, again, Pearl was to do her duty to her Diamond, there were a considerably smaller amount of gems present. Pink Diamond stood from her chair, towering over the pearl at her side and the Rose Quartz who bowed her head even as her eyes remained aimed steadfastly upward, peeking through the fringe of her brightly colored hair. She was accused of spreading traitorous ideas, speaking out against the order that the Diamonds demanded and upheld. Only her rank saved her from being shattered right there. Pearl watched with bated breath as the gem remained stoic, responding with justifications in a tone that could nearly be misconstrued as defiance.
It was beautiful. It was revolutionary. And Pearl was enraptured.
The third time she encountered her was the first time that Rose Quartz saw her in return. Of course, Pearl was seen many times, by many gems, but never had another gem acknowledged her with such sincerity. Rose Quartz, dismissed after finding herself on the wrong end of another scolding, walked alongside Pearl in silence. Pearl had made an attempt to walk just behind the gem, as was proper for a pearl, but the quartz merely slowed her own pace. She remained unspeaking even when they had reached the point to which Pearl was told to accompany her. Pearl opened the doors, but when Rose did not exit she looked up. She met the eyes of the gem soldier and found herself startled by a gaze more intense than any she had yet received.
Boring into her, Rose Quartz's eyes burned with questions. She asked only one.
Pearl was nearly as startled by the single question as she had been by the eye contact.
Are you happy?
The answer was obvious from the moment the words were spoken. Pearl could do nothing more than watch Rose's retreating back.
Until their next encounter, Pearl was on edge. In the weeks since finding that part of herself that wanted more, despite the confusion as to what exactly she meant by 'more', she had been incapable of anything beyond the simple plotting of the words she would say to the quartz the very next chance that she had. At first, she had decided that speaking out and answering the quartz was a mistake, especially if there were any chance at all that it might come back to Pink Diamond. But mere hours earlier, her mind was made up by the most powerful force known to gem.
Fear.
Fear drove her to plan, gave her courage. The fear of losing all that she already was. What little of her there was to treasure. After all, she was only a pearl.
Pink Diamond had summoned her, informing her with calm words that she was to be sent out the following day to be Re-finished. The words struck hard. Re-finished. Her physical form would be destroyed, forcing her into her gem so that she might have the outer layers ground down, bringing her to the base version of herself. She would be broken in mind, but compliant. Without questions. Rebuilt to once again be the decorative servant. The pretty pet. Pink Diamond was not a fool, and she would not suffer any sort of deviance from something so lowly as a pearl.
The crash that rang through Pink Diamond's hall was sudden and horribly welcome. She'd known something was going to happen, because Rose Quartz was absent from the training yard. She'd never been absent before. While the noise temporarily paralyzed the other senses of any in the vicinity, Pearl was alert. She was weak. She wasn't built to be defiant or strong or independent. She was created to be beautiful and silent and spend her days in contented servitude.
She was more than ready to follow the gem that had given a thought to her happiness.
Rose Quartz dashed through the hall, shrieking a mighty battle cry. She fell still when she reached Pearl, the small gem's eyes wild with fear though her chest heaved with the thrill of defiance and the destruction of the order she had been born into.
Come with me.
Pearl hesitated, the reality of what this decision would mean for her driving the energy from her limbs with a swift blow. Her eyes fell from the gem's face. Pearls weren't meant to look up.
I can't.
Fingers lifting her chin forced her to meet Rose's eyes.
You can.
That was the first time that she couldn't, until she could.
Through battle after battle, Pearl came into herself. Serving at Rose's side, there was nothing that she couldn't do. From servant to warrior, the gem evolved.
No amount of battle could have prepared her.
Pearl, please. Rose beckoned with one hand, the other resting on her rounded belly. I need you to do this for me. Her eyes begged Pearl, for herself and for the life that she would soon create.
I can't. The gem didn't draw close, didn't take the outstretched hand. Instead, she raised one to her mouth to smother a sob.
Not long after, with a small body nestled in her grasp and a small hand wrapped firmly around her finger, Pearl felt her mouth curving into a faint smile. Big trusting eyes gazed up at her, full of love and trust and need and it was like old times.
She couldn't, until she could.
For Rose.
For Steven.