We walk into Kirkwall and I smile at Varric, Anders, Fenris.
"Ah it's good to be back. I didn't care for the Deep Roads." I say.
"Yes it's much more agreeable. I'll never understand why Dwarfs are so happy living underground." Varric says.
"I tried to warn you about the blighted Deep Roads. Maker I swear I'm never going back there again." Anders says with a shudder.
"Oh you say that now Blondie but if we go back you'll be going. All Hawke will have to do is bat those eyes at you and you'll be putty in her hands." Varric laughs.
"I imagine I could convince you of I put my mind to it." I walk over to Anders. I bat my eyes and grab his hand between mine. I hold our hands up to my chest. "Oh please say you'll go back with us. I don't know what I'd do without my trusty healer." I pout.
Anders blushes while Fenris and Varric laugh.
He makes no move to remove his hand from mine. "I don't know why you're laughing Fenris. She can get you to do anything even help the Mages…"
"Could you stop talking about the blighted Mages for five minutes? It's all I heard down there." Fenris growls.
"Well if you'd just realize that the Mages plight is similar to the elves then I would."
"Mages are susceptible to…"
"Enough both of you." I grab their arms. "Go home and get some rest. You two really need some time apart. We'll all meet tomorrow at the Hanged Man."
"Yes the two of you are starting to sound like an old married couple. Careful you might make Hawke jealous." Varric says smiling.
They glare at him and Varric laughs. I hide my laugh in a cough.
They bid Varric and I farewell and walk off in separate directions thankfully.
I look at Varric critically and wonder what he must be thinking. He hides it well, but I know what Bartrand did must be bothering him. Carver and I fought all the time, but he wouldn't have tried to kill me.
"Varric are you alright?"
He sighs. "Can we talk about this later? We'll plot our revenge on my traitorous brother tomorrow with everyone else." He gives a wry smile.
"Well ok." I look at him worriedly.
"Seriously Hawke I'm fine. Go see your family they'll want to know you're safe and we'll soon have the money."
I smile. "See you tomorrow."
He waves and heads off toward the Hanged Man. I walk through the streets in a splendid mood. Soon we'll have enough money to buy the estate for Mother. Then Bethany will be safe.
I turn the corner and see the door to Gamlen's house is ajar and I can hear muffled shouts. I cautiously near the house. I wonder if Gamlen got into trouble again and is being threatened again. I hear Mother crying and my heart seizes. I ease the door open and freeze with my hand on one of my blades.
There's a Templar and Bethany is wearing Circle robes.
"What's going on?" I ask my hand falling to my side.
"He's taking Bethany. You have to stop him," Mother sobs.
I take a closer look at the Templar. I think I recognize him. "Cullen?"
"Hawke. I'm here to take Bethany to the Circle. I trust we won't have any issues." He says watching me closely.
"But my friends and I saved you. When the recruits were going missing, we stopped the blood Mages. We rescued the Viscounts son. We helped Sebastian the Prince of Starkhaven and he's a Chantry Brother. We're friends with Aveline the Guard Captain. Surely all that has to count for something."
"It does Hawke. Your sister will be treated fairly and she won't be treated like an Apostate. Your sister is going to the Circle. She'll take the Harrowing and if she passes she'll join the Circle."
"No. She's not a danger." How can I believe him? My idea of fair is different from the Templars. Mages are raped and beaten in the Circle. Denied their basic rights. Made Tranquil. A fate much worse than death. To be locked up and a fundamental part of you taken away. Leaving you a shell so you no longer care what they do to you.
My hand twitches longing to reach for my blades. I want to kill him. I can't let him take her. I don't care what he says she'll suffer in the Circle. I hate this man. Whatever he sees on face makes him flinch and take a step back. His sits his hand on his blade. Bethany looks at me and shakes her head.
"No Sister. I'll be fine. This was bound to happen sooner or later. I'll be fine. I'm a strong Mage. I'll pass my Harrowing."
It takes all my effort to stop myself from launching myself at him. To just stand there and do nothing. My heart pounding.
"Are you sure?" I ask in a tight voice.
"Yes." She squeezes my hand as Cullen leads her out.
I stand there feeling numb. Mother falls to her knees and I go to her.
She looks up at me. "Why didn't you do anything? You just stood there. You could have stopped it. My little girl…" She breaks off sobbing.
I flinch and close my eyes. My hands balled into fists at my sides.
"Leandra stop. It's not her fault." Gamlen says walking over to her. He looks at me. "Go on."
I nod my thanks and run.
I don't care why he does it. I just have to get away. I run through the streets my thoughts keeping up. I can't outrun them. I can't fight them. I barely notice the people jumping out of my way and yelling at me. I don't even know where I'm going. I just run.
I stop. I stand there panting and realize I'm outside Fenris's house. Why him? He hates Mages. I should go to Anders for comfort. But that's not what I want. I want understanding.
I know in some strange way that Fenris will understand. He'll understand these feelings. The overwhelming desire to do something. To want to kill someone so bad it consumes your every thought. To feel the desire for action coursing through your veins. To fight to keep yourself sane. To struggle for control of yourself instead of letting your instincts take over.
He won't try to make it all better. He'll know that words are inadequate right now. He won't try to talk to me until I'm ready. He won't flinch away from my animalistic actions. From the murderous rage I know is flickering in my eyes. He'll let me be until I can deal with this. I know if my tenuous control over myself breaks he'll stop me.
I pound on the door. Not caring that people are watching. Not caring if I look wild.
I hear him stomp to the door muttering and threatening. He throws the door open and sees me. I probably look positively insane covered in sweat, panting, my hair wind-blown, my face red, and anger flickering in my eyes. He just steps back and lets me enter.
He closes the door behind me and we walk up the stairs in silence. He lights the fire and sits at the table. Waiting.
I pace feeling like a caged animal. Rage burning through my veins. A desire to do something, anything to ease my mind of some of the tension. I feel helpless knowing that no matter what I do it won't change what happened.
A guttural sound escapes my lips. Halfway between a growl and a scream. I drag my hands through my hair. I slide my eyes over and look at Fenris. He doesn't move but I know he watches me. He won't let me go tearing off. He won't let me do something stupid and make things worse. I think he's one of the few people that could talk me down from trying. If that failed he might tie me up or knock me out.
I finally stop pacing and walk over to the chair across from him. Gripping its back until my knuckles are white.
"They took her to the Circle," I growl.
"When?" he asks. I think I see a flicker of concern in his eyes, but it vanishes too quickly for me to be sure.
"Just now. That Templar Cullen was there when I got home."
He pauses for a moment and looks at me. "You know how I feel about Mages, but" he holds up a hand to stop my tirade, "I am sorry they took your sister. She's strong…and if they were ever a Mage that wouldn't turn to blood magic it's her. I'm sure she'll be fine."
I give him a small smile. Knowing how much it pains him to say that, though I know that he means what he says. If he's convinced then maybe it will be ok. But still…
"Cullen says they'll treat her fairly, but he doesn't have the final say in it. What if they assume that just because she's an apostate she uses blood magic? What if they make her Tranquil? What if they hit her? What if they touch her?" I seethe.
"Hawke I'll admit there are some Templars who take things too far. Some who abuse their power. But those are in the minority. Plus you've helped the Templars, the Viscount, and many others. You have connections. Surely that will count for something."
"That's what he said. That all that would be taken into account. They're going to let her take the Harrowing, but I'm still worried." I chew on my lip.
"I know you hate this…inactivity, but you should wait. Give them a chance Hawke. If you do anything now you'll only make it worse for her."
I sigh. "I know. I just feel powerless…"
"Hawke there's nothing you can do right now without making things more difficult. There's nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening."
"But if I were here…"
He cuts me off. "No Hawke. It still would have happened this way. You're being there or getting home any sooner wouldn't have changed it. The only thing that might have changed is your reaction to it. You have a temper and you might have done something rash."
I glare at him, but I've begun to calm down. I've had time and some of my rage has left. I know he's right but it also feels good to hear it from someone else. For him to say it's not my fault.
I throw myself into the chair and cross my arms. "Tell that to my Mother."
"She blamed you?" Anger flashes through his eyes.
I give a hard smile. "Oh yes. For this and Carver's death. She probably blamed me when we had to flee Lothering. You know I'm always supposed to fix things. So I probably could have tried harder to save out home."
He bangs his fist on the table. "That's ridiculous none of this is your fault."
"I keep telling myself that. But it's hard not to think what if."
"I know. To always second guess yourself…"
I smile. "I knew you'd understand all of this. Though I don't think she really means it. She just says these things out of grief and looking for someone to blame. Blaming someone makes it easier. I'm the one that took care of us after Father died so I'm just the most convenient."
"Hmmm. Still she shouldn't put the blame on you. These things hurt you too and her words make it worse."
I blink at him. I forget how nice he can be when it's just the two of us. I let some of my defenses down around him and I think he does the same.
"Where's my broody elf? And what have you done with him?" I ask squinting at him suspiciously.
He laughs.
I shrug. "Oh well get your gear."
"Why?" he asks walking over to get his sword.
"I need to kill something."
"I understand that feeling perfectly. Though," he pauses rubbing his chin, "Might I suggest avoiding the Gallows or any place frequented by Templars. I might have to tie you up and carry you off. That does sound a bit fun though. I'd have you at my mercy." He smirks.
"Ooo laughs, smiles, and a joke. I'll have to mark this on my calendar."
"Who said I was joking?"
"Well then you get the rope and I'll get the Templars."
"I though you wanted to kill something. And even though you'd love to the Templars aren't an acceptable target."
"Well," I look him up and down, "There are other methods of stress relief."
He shakes his head. Though I see a grin on his face and his cheeks pinken. "Come on Hawke. Killing things is a much…safer option." He walks to the door and holds it open.
"Don't tease." I pout and walk outside.
"I'm not teasing just delaying things a bit." He follows me outside and closes the door behind him.
Title from the song "Dark Side" by Kelly Clarkson.