Title: Say my name (sequel to Need a little Detroit in my bones)
Rating: 18
Summary: Alex wants payback for what Chris did to him - the question is can Chris keep it together to give Alex his needed closure.
Featuring: Alex Shelley & Chris Sabin
SERIOUS Warning: THIS IS A DARK FIC featuring serious angst, violence, bad language with mentions dub-con, rape fantasy gone wrong,
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters/people of TNA. No copyright or trademark infringement is intended and no money is being made.
Notes: Ths is DARK people, please read the WARNINGS above before is the sequel to Need a little Detroit in my bones. You NEED to read that fic first before reading this. As always this is unbeta'd so any mistakes you find, please, please, please forgive (I mean it PLEASE!)
X x x x x x x x x
"I want to fuck you."
"You what?" breathed Chris his face paling just at the thought.
"You asked what it would take for me to forgive you," snarled Alex, glaring at his partner who was sitting on the spare bed, "Well I want to fuck you. I want to top you for once. For once I want to be in control."
Chris felt as if he couldn't breathe. In all their years together Alex had never topped him, it wasn't their thing. Chris topped, Alex bottomed. It was the perfect balance. It was what they did, it was what they liked. They had the perfect partnership. But Chris had destroyed that perfection; he had ripped apart everything they had ever shared. He bit his lower lip taking time to process what Alex was asking for. He took a deep breath then slowly looking up, he murmured, "That's what you want? That's what you need to…to…"
Alex nodded stiffly. There was no relaxed smile, there wasn't even a mocking smirk there was nothing and that ripped Chris's heart apart. Staring into Alex's eyes Chris could see the hurt and pain and the worse thing of all a total lack of trust. Alex no longer trusted him and that was like a sword to his soul. Looking away Chris ran a hand through his hair and took another deep breath. The thing Alex was asking, no demanding, in recompense was terrifying.
Truly and utterly terrifying.
But as he glanced back he found his eyes seeking out the physical reminders of what he had inflicted on Alex. The split lip, the hand print across his face, the finger bruises around the base of his neck and he knew there was more bruises, darker more violent bruises hidden beneath Alex's shirt and jeans, bruises that made Chris sick to his stomach, bruises he had put there because he'd lost control. He bowed his head unable to look at Alex any more without his heart breaking.
"Well?" snapped Alex.
He was standing a few feet away, his arms curled around himself as if he was trying to hide something. And that ripped at Chris's conscious just as much as the physical reminders of what he had done. Ales had been withdrawn all day. Sure he'd laughed and joked around in the locker room during practice and he'd given Matt as much of a hard time about being Roderick's little ring rat but Chris could tell his heart wasn't in it. And he knew too that Roderick had picked up on the change as well. As dumb as everyone thought Roderick was, he was a damn good friend and surprisingly protective of Alex. Not that he would ever admit it of course. Chris absently rubbed the back of his head where Roderick had smacked him earlier during a private conversation…
"What the fuck have you done to Lex?" demanded Roderick blocking Chris's path.
"What d'ya mean?" asked Chris trying to act innocent despite the fact he was anything but innocent. He'd seen Alex talking to Roderick earlier. He was terrified Alex may have told Roderick what had happened. He knew it was unlikely but just the thought was enough to make his heart hammer against his chest.
"Cut the crap," smirked Roderick, shaking his head, "None of us do innocent convincingly." The smile faded a little and he added firmly, "There's something wrong with Lex and I'm guessing you had something to do with it."
"What the...why do you think I did something to upset him?" spluttered Chris horrified that Roderick would even think that of him, despite the truth being far worse than anything Roderick could imagine.
"Because he refused to take his t-shirt off during practice and we both know he only ever gets self-conscious when you two have a fight. So spill, what the fuck did you do?"
"Nothing! Not that it's any of your good damn business what happens between us!" exclaimed Chris, his anger and humiliation at his own actions finding an outlet against Roderick's accusations.
"You're right and I'm not asking for chick-flick details," replied Roderick, "I'm just asking you to make it right. I hate seeing you guys like this…" he leant over and cuffing Chris around the back of the head, he hissed menacingly, "So do whatever the fuck it take to bring the cocky snarky bastard back because I do not like withdrawn Lex. You got me?"
"Anything it takes." That phrase kept running through Chris's head. Anything it takes. Could he do it, could he really do anything it takes to get Alex back? To get back to the place they were less than 24hours before. Before he screwed everything up.
"Hey Dickweed," yelled Alex, actually snapping his fingers to get Chris's attention, "I asked you a question - don't you dare zone out on me."
Chris looked over at Alex and took yet another deep breath. Then without speaking he put his hands on his thighs and pushed up from the bed he had been sitting on. He tried to ignore the slight back step Alex took when he moved closer. Stopping a few feet in front of Alex he licked his suddenly dry lips and rasped, "Where do you want me?"
For a moment Alex didn't reply. If anything he seemed to be in shock. His eyes had opened wide in surprise and there was a slight flush on his face.
"Alex?" asked Chris frowning at the silence, "Lex? Are you okay?"
"No, I'm not fucking ok!" exploded Alex.
Chris winced. He knew the moment the words where out of his mouth it was the wrong thing to say. He flinched as Alex glared at him, the surprise from moments before had vanished replaced by a near burning anger. An anger Chris had never seen in Alex before and if he was honest it scared the shit out of him.
"How the fuck can you ask if I'm okay?" spat Alex, breathing heavily, "You attacked me. You ignored all the rules, all the safeguards we ever put in pace and you fucking ignored my safe word." He took a step closer getting into Chris's personal space, "You hit me, Chris, you held me against the wall and you fucked me against my will. You strong armed me, you split my lip, you made me feel fucking terrified and I couldn't stop you. I was screaming my safe word and you didn't fucking stop." He took a deep breath then suddenly lashing out he caught Chris's face, his fingers digging into the soft flesh of his cheeks as he snarled, "So no I'm not fucking all right."
Chris didn't make a sound. He didn't deserve to speak. He didn't deserve anything other than what Alex chose to give him. Never in all his years of being a Dom had he ever lost control the way he had the previous night. And the fact he lost control with the man he adored and loved more than his own life ripped his shattered heart apart. He tried to swallow down the words burning his throat. He knew it was meaningless, he knew the words burning his throat meant absolutely nothing. But that didn't stop him trying to say it.
He stumbled backwards as Alex pushed him away. Catching himself on the back of the chair he looked up from under his lashes and against his better judgment he whispered, "I'm sorry."
Alex froze.
For a moment the younger man didn't move then slowly he turned and levelled Chris with one of the most hateful glares Chris had ever seen.
"Don't!" ordered Alex.
"I mean it," persisted Chris ignoring all the warning signs, "Lex please I'm so sorry. I never meant to...I never i…"
"I said don't!" yelled Alex and suddenly he was back in Chris's space. Standing chest to chest with him, staring into his eyes with more hate and anger than Chris had ever seen in his partner before. But beyond the anger he could see something else. Something that looked terrifyingly like fear. He never wanted Alex to be afraid of him, never.
"Just shut the fuck up," hissed Alex, balling his fists as if trying to stop himself from striking Chris, "Please." he added in a barely there whisper, "Please just stop talking."
He closed his eyes and Chris could see the internally battle taking place inside his partner. It took all his will power not to reach out and hug his best friend. He didn't, he just stood there waiting for Alex to look at him, waiting for what he knew was coming.
What he wasn't prepared for was the slap Alex landed against his cheek. It stung more than any other strike he had ever received in his life. His head snapped to the left, ricking his neck and making him gaps in pain. Instantly he grabbed his neck, hissing in pain as he felt the muscles tensing up.
"What the…"
"Shut up," spat Alex. Then before Chris could work out what was happening he found himself being dragged by the arm towards the spare bed. On pure instinct alone he tried to resist digging his heels in to the thick hotel carpet.
Alex glanced back the moment he felt Chris resist. Spinning back around he got into Chris's face, hissing, "Don't you dare try and resist."
Chris held his gaze a moment before looking away unable to bare the hate burning in Alex's eyes. He follows him the rest of the short way back to the bed. With his pulse increasing to an almost unbearable speed, he rasps, "What now"?
"Take off your pant," ordered Alex.
Chris looked up and frowned. Alex had retreated slightly and his arms had resumed their depressingly familiar place, hugging Alex's torso the younger man looking decidedly uncomfortable. Not wanting to add to Alex's discomfort Chris fumbled with his belt. His fingers though seemed to have forgotten how to do the simplest of tasks such undoing buttons.
"For fuck sake it's not that hard," sapped Alex. Stepping forward he batted Chris's hands out of the way and within seconds he yanked Chris's jeans and boxers down, leaving them pooled around Chris's calves. Chris went to step out of them but Alex shook his head snarling, "No leave them on, around your ankles," he looked up and staring into Chris's eyes he added with a venomous hiss, "I want you to understand what it felt like to be fucked like that."
Chris closed his eyes. He was starting to shake. This wasn't Alex, this wasn't his Lex, the man he knew and loved. But then, he reasoned bitterly, he hadn't been himself when he'd hurt Alex the night before. He gasped as he found himself falling forward. He landed heavily on the bed, trapped at an awkward angle. He was bent over at the waist, his feet still on the floor his legs trapped by his jeans. He scrambled for purchase on the bedspreads but suddenly Alex was on top of him, grabbed his hands and held them above Chris's head, forcing them to be still. Kicking Chris's legs as far apart as the jeans would allow Alex stepped between his exposed thighs and hissed, "Don't worry sweetheart this won't hurt...much."
Chris screwed his eyes shut. He'd hope Alex would go slowly, give him time to adjust it was years since he'd had anything other than a finger inside of him and now the thought of Alex fucking him was starting to terrify him. He tried to move, tried to get into a more comfortable position. But Lex simply growled in annoyance. Chris stilled the moment he felt Alex's breath on the back of his neck. He tensed, waiting for something, waiting for some pain to suddenly flare up. He knew in the dark recesses of his mind that if their positions were reversed that is what he would do. The fact he could even think about hurting Alex sickened him and he couldn't stop the whimpered, "I'm sorry," escaping his suddenly dry lips.
He felt Alex tense and for a moment there was no response. There was nothing. The only reason he even knew Alex was still there was the surprisingly pleasing weight on his back and the warm clothes pressing against his exposed flesh.
Chris frowned even more. Something was wrong he knew that. For some reason his Dom side knew something was wrong. With his sub. With his Lex. It was an instinct that had been sadly missing the night before and Chris knew he would never forgive himself for that lapse but right then, right there he had to take care of Alex, no matter what was happening to him, he had to make sure Alex was okay. He twisted his head around trying to see Alex trying to see what was wrong. All he saw was dark hair from where Alex had collapsed on top of him, his face buried against his shoulder. He could feel Alex's breath on the back of his neck and it was getting ragged, coming in short little gasps almost as if Alex was crying. But Alex never cried. The only time Chris had seen him cry was for a few seconds night before, before the shutters had slammed down and Alex had hidden behind the anger and the pain and bathroom door.
"Lex?" asked Chris fighting to try and move he was desperate to touch Alex but the position he was currently being held in meant he could only just move his head.
"Why did you do it?"
Chris felt tears of humiliation and anger prick his eyes. He had never heard Alex sound so broken so lost and it ripped him apart.
"I don't know," he replied honestly pressing his face into the exposed mattress, "I don't know I just...something snapped. I just...I was so angry with you with everything else that was going on and...I wanted to hurt something to...to hurt you and I…Lex I'm sorry you've got to believe me," He started to press up trying to turn over so he could look at Alex properly as they talked, "Please. We can talk about this we can..."
"No! Don't you fucking move," exclaimed Alex angrily, "And don't you dare think you are talking your way out this Sabin."
Suddenly the pressure was back on Chris's body. The unpleasant nearly suffocating pressure. He tried to wriggle free, he tried to ease the pressure on his back but nothing worked. If anything is made the position even harder to bear. He was finding it hard to get air into his lungs and he was starting to feel lightheaded. Not that Alex cared. He got that. At that moment in time Alex didn't care if he was in pain or not. And on some deeper level Chris totally understood and accepted that fact even though it scared him to death.
"I don't think you deserve any prep, do you, Chris?" asked Alex his voice sounding disturbingly flat.
Chris gasped and started struggling for real hissing, "Fuck no...Lex, no. Please... No don't you dare dry fuck me..."
"Shut. The. Fuck. Up!" ordered Alex.
Chris felt him shift his hands into one grip which meant Alex's right hand was free to do whatever he felt like. Chris struggled even more as he heard Alex's zipper being pulled open. He felt a hand brush over his exposed near virginal arse and with the last of his remaining air he rasped, "Alex please I'm begging you don't do this dry! Fuck me by all means, I agreed to that but please not dry…"
"Shut up!" ordered Alex. He leant in and snarled in Chris's ear, "I begged you to stop last night. But you didn't listen, did you, you bastard. So guess what - begging isn't going to work for you either." He landed a heavy blow to the back of Chris head. Hard enough to make Chris see stars and nearly bite his tongue, but the sheer panic and fear he was currently whirling through his mind made the pain duller. His survival instinct was kicking in and he was starting to fight back for real.
"Lie still," ordered Alex shifting his position. Chris whimpered as he felt the blunt wet head rub against his quivering hole. He screwed his eyes shut thinking over and over, this is Lex, this is Lex. But it didn't take away the fear, the sheer fear of what was about to happen.
He cried out as two fingers forced their way into his body. He arched in pain as Alex scissored the dry digits inside of him, he was shaking so much he could hear his teeth chattering. Chris wasn't one to normally show fear or pain but he knew right then and there he knew Alex could tell how scared he was – and it didn't stop him.
Biting hard into the comforter Chris tried to hold back the yell as Alex pulled his fingers back out. Chris tensed waiting for them to be forced back into his resisting body. No matter how much he tried to relax, his natural instinct was to tense to keep the intrusion out. He wriggled some more surprised when he managed to move slightly. Then suddenly he was free to move. Not that he dared. He knew the sadistic streak that ran through Lex; he knew Alex could be cruel when he wanted to be. And he didn't dare provoke his damaged partner any more than he already had. So he lay there biting down on the comforter, eyes screwed shut waiting for his best friend and lover to fuck his unwilling arse and give them both closures.
And he kept waiting.
After what felt hours with no sound or movement Chris risked opening his eyes. He frowned he couldn't feel Alex; there was no residual heat no nothing. Risking Alex's wrath he dared to turn his head and when he did he gasped. Alex had retreated to the other side of the room and was leaning against the wall, head bowed with his arms wrapped around his body -the very image of misery. And the sight broke Chris's heart.
Wincing at the burn as he moved Chris kicked off his jeans and boxers and moved cautiously towards Alex. He didn't know what to do. They never really expressed emotions to each other. They never shared emotions; they knew what the other was feeling instinctively. That was what made them so perfect. They never had to say any of the girly touchy-feely crap to know what they meant to each other. But at that moment in time Chris had no idea what to do. His instinct was to wrap his arms around Alex and hold him but he knew Alex would hate that. So he stood there, naked from the waist down, arse burning from the rough fingering, unsure of anything in the world anymore.
"I couldn't do it," rasped Alex not looking up.
"Do what?" asked Chris fighting to keep his voice soft and level despite the fear still running through him.
"I couldn't bring myself to hurt you," confessed Alex his eyes focused firmly on the floor. "I wanted to. I wanted to make you scream and bleed and feel everything I felt. I wanted to break you but…I couldn't. I couldn't do that...not to you …." finally he looked up and with tears sparkling in his eyes he hissed, "I fucking hate what you did to me and it's gonna take me a long time to get over it but...you're still my best friend and for some fucking reason I still love you and I can't hurt you. Not that way. Not by…I want payback but I don't want to rape you and that what I'd be doing and I…"
"Lex…" breathed Chris. He didn't know what to say so he simply went with his instinct. He closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around Alex. He waited for the punch. He waited for the anger and hate to kick in he even braced himself to be pushed to the floor. But there was nothing. Alex just stood there, non-responsive in his embrace and that hurt almost as much as being rejected. Brushing his cheek against Alex's Chris pulled back and staring into the dark eyes he rasped, "Tell me what to do that will things right between us. Lex, I'll do anything, you can fuck me, hit me, hurt me, anything just...I want you back. I want my Lex back I…"
There was several minutes silence and Chris could almost hear the wheels going around in Alex's brain – which was something that scared the hell out of him. It was never a good sign when Alex was so deep in thought.
"Let me film you."
Chris swallowed and titled his head waiting for Alex to continue.
"I want to film you. You've never let me film you solo," murmured Alex, his voice sounding a little firmer, a little more self-assured as he made his way back from the emotional distress, "That's it. I want to film you."
"Film me?" breathed Chris. It was a hell of a thing to ask. Alex knew Chris hated to be filmed when they were in bed. During the first few months it had caused major rows between them but eventually Alex had stopped asking. But Chris knew he still loved the idea, loved the notion of being able to watch Chris over and over again. In many way Chris would almost preferred to have been fucked. At least it would have been done and over with but to be filmed to be captured for ever in an intently private moment. He let out a slow sigh then nodded slowly.
Alex stared at him a moment then before Chris could think Alex brushed a kiss over his cheek and murmured, "Thank you. Get your arse on the bed and give me a fucking good show."
Chris almost laughed. Alex sound like himself, the snarky arrogant cocky bastard he adored. But he knew it was an act. He could see Alex's eyes, he could see the fear and pain and the uncertainty and that killed him. He nodded and stepping away he made his way back to the bed. Staring at the bed he looked at the crumpled sheets at the evidence of what nearly happened and it made his stomach churn. He was glad Alex hadn't gone through with his first idea. He knew deep down if he had, it would have killed something between them, something that they would never have been able to repair. Gripping the hem of his t-shirt he pulled it off and threw it aside. A noise behind him made him glance back and he saw Alex was ready, the camera already set up waiting for him to get into position. Knowing he was blushing he crawled onto the bed and kneeling in the centre of the crumpled sheets, he looked at Alex and asked hesitantly, "How do you want me?"
Slowly Alex looked up and when he did Chris couldn't help smiling faintly as he caught sight of the look on Alex's face. Alex was smirking again, there was a slightly sparkle to him that had been missing minutes before and that made Chris's heart leap with joy. As Alex positioned him on the bed to get the perfect angle, Chris let out a long slow breath and made a promise to himself no matter how embarrassed or humiliated he was feeling at being filmed if it made Alex smile again he'd do it. He'd do it without a second's hesitation because that was all he wanted. For Alex to be happy again. For there to be a chance for them to pick up the broken pieces of their relationship and move on to bigger and better things.
"Open your eyes, Chris," ordered Alex.
Chris obeyed and staring into the camera, he put on his most seductive smile and asked teasingly, "You mean like this?"
"Yeah," purred Alex, suddenly looking more like his old self than he had in hours, "Just like that. Now quit stalling and start showing me your best moves, Josh."
With that single word echoing in his brain, Chris kept his gaze fixed solely on the camera. Slowly he started to stroke himself, knowing deep in his heart if Alex could call him that name at this moment in time then there really was hope for them yet.
FIN x